Larry Flynt: Patriot

There are many celebrities stepping forward with varied plans to help combat the Gulf oil spill. We all know about Kevin Costner's plan and that James Cameron offered up his help, but we've heard very little from the pron/smut community. Until now.

Enter Larry Flynt, patriot and pornographer, who has his own solution: he wants one of Louisiana's Senators to employ the perversion that he used to engage in with hookers to help clean up the Gulf. Let us hear him out.

Dear Senator Vitter:

Forgive me for intruding on your valuable time. I know you are a very busy man, especially in regards to the current problems in the Gulf of Mexico. But that's exactly what I want to talk to you about. I concur that everybody must do their part to solve this serious catastrophe. And that's where I think you, in particular, can be of so much help.

As I understand it, you have some expertise regarding diapers. I have no idea how many diapers you actually have on hand (quite a collection from what I hear) but as you know, diapers are quite absorbent. So, when it comes to blocking the oil that's gushing into the Gulf, they might be a very effective way of solving that problem. With that in mind, I urge you to donate your extensive diaper collection to BP so they can use them to stop the leak by creating, for want of a better term, a giant "plug."

It could be a historic moment: An ecological disaster thwarted. And you'll get the credit for it. In fact, when people hear the word "diaper" they will automatically think of you. Hell, they already do.
Please don't piss away this golden opportunity.

Sincerely,

Larry Flynt
Publisher
Hustler

Flynt continues “Senator Vitter has gone on record claiming that the oil spill in the Gulf is ‘too big of an endeavor’ for one company. Accordingly, in an effort to protect the coastlines and marshes on the Gulf Coast, I am asking Senator Vitter to use the personal articles that he’s best known for to aid in the relief. His experience in the discipline of ‘spills’ is unprecedented.”

We would like to commend Flynt for this suggestion and the initial work he engaged in to expose Vitter and the DC prostitution ring. We hope Senator Vitter takes Larry up on the offer. It's not like reminding people of your shady sexual past and your hypocrisy would actually cause you to slip below 50% in the polls LOUISIANA WHAT THE FUCK? At the very least you could towel down a few pelicans. Think about it.

Not the time, David

Yesterday we learned about the poor, poor BP executives, the hardships they're going through, and how Americans are callously withholding their sympathy for shitbags who cause oil spills.

Sure, having a BP CEO tell us we should lay off and stop hating them so much is one thing, but where is one of our elected betters to tell us that same thing and hamper any attempt to make BP liable for this? Surely there must be one asshole who is so completely bought and paid for by an oil company that he cannot help himself and starts pushing to help out BP. Anyone? Anyone? What's that, Louisiana Senator David Vitter? You say you don't want to be Senator anymore? Continue.

What happens when you're a small government, pro-business conservative and your state gets pummeled by one of the worst man made disasters ever – not five years after getting pummeled by one of the worst natural disasters (Hurricane Katrina)? If you're Louisiana Senator David Vitter, you double down on offshore drilling and push for a liability cap for BP.

Doubling down on drilling is not particularly surprising. Much of Louisiana's much-needed revenue comes from off-shore drilling leases. “By the same token, after every plane crash, you and I should both oppose plane travel,” Vitter quipped on Sunday to CNN's Candy Crowley. “I don't think that is rational.”
...
But it's Vitter's early support of a liability cap – he introduced legislation that he promoted in last weekend's weekly GOP radio address – he introduced legislation that he promoted in last weekend's weekly GOP radio address – that's landing the son of a Chevron petroleum engineer in trouble.

Nicely played. For the last month a busted offshore oil rig has been pouring seemingly every drop of oil in the earth into the Gulf and is in the process of ruining large parts of your state, which -if you remember- is Louisiana. So of course now is the proper time to start bitching about people who suddenly don't think offshore drilling is such a great idea, 1) because the safety procedures seems so lax, and 2) because there seems to be know way to stop the oil if one breaks. Don't forget to try to limit the amount the responsible party has to pay out in damages. I mean, why should BP be responsible for all the oil BP spills and all the costs relating to all the oil they spilled? That's madness.

It's a nice "Idiot provides opponents, opposing party, and constituents with gun, fish, an barrel during re-election campaign" story. Usually politicians aren't that stupid, especially when somehow they've been able to survive the whole "Moral crusader gets famously busted for buying hookers"/Bayou whoremaster thing. But I guess BP has given him rather a lot of money over the years and he feels he owes them. Vitter is, of course, getting pilloried by anyone with a microphone in Louisiana.

So here's TB election tip #132b: During this election season, maybe you don't want to go out of your way to publicly call for more offshore drilling and attempt to legally protect corporations from paying for all the damage they've caused. It may be unpopular with people who like coasts and water that's mostly comprised of, uh, water.

Quote of the day

When last we left the state of Louisiana and it's 2010 Senate race it was expected that they would re-elect David "the Bayou Whoremaster" Vitter to the Senate despite that whole thing where he was deeply involved in paying hookers for sex and wearing diapers.... sexual diapers. Because whore-banging is a Conservative Christian value. But there was also a point in time where it seemed Vitter would be challenged... by porn star Stormy Daniels. Then there were a bunch of allegations of spousal abuse and a car bombing and she seemingly dropped out.

But know with tales of abusing her husband and maybe paying some dude to tie some C4 to her political consultant's car now firmly in the past, it looks like Daniels is back to challenge Vitter in the GOP primary, splitting the crucial swing votes of "people who like hypocrites who drill prostitutes" and "people who like porn-stars with an affinity for hand to hand combat and explosives". The Louisiana GOP is spitting (not swallowing) mad and lashing out at her and what must assuredly be the Democratic conspiracy behind it. Louisiana Democrats saw the ball lovingly lined up on top of it's tee and decided to take a good hard swing at it.

Kevin Franck, spokesman for the Louisiana Democratic Party, said neither the party nor the Melancon campaign recruited Daniels.

"If the Louisiana Republican Party is uncomfortable with a Republican challenger who has a history of selling sex, I would suggest they reconsider standing by an incumbent with a history of paying for it," Franck said in an e-mailed statement.

Gentlemen, I do believe that is game, set, and match.

God bless our stupid system of government

You have to love the logic that comes out of our elected betters in Washington, sometimes. While some Democrats took time out at the beginning of the health care debate to mention what they'd really prefer is single payer health care, they know it's a pip dream. For most other Senators the reaction to single payer was NOFUCKINGNOSOCIALISMSTALINCOMMUNISMNOOOO!

Hell, even people like Joe Lieberman and others were deeply opposed to a public option because they thought it was a trojan horse for single payer. But now when you see one of the proposed amendments that has popular support, you find out that our senators fucking love single payer... just in a way that's completely backwards, overly complex, and makes little logical sense. To wit:

Senate leadership has pledged to allow a vote on re-importing prescription drugs from Canada as an amendment to the health care reform bill...
...
On top of the billions it would save consumers, the re-importation measure introduced by Sen. Byron Dorgan (D-N.D.) would save the federal government $19 billion over the next 10 years, according to the Congressional Budget Office. Dorgan's amendment would also bust the deal the White House cut with Big Pharma, which has vowed to kill the re-importation provision in "hand to hand combat."
...
When it does come time to vote on re-importation, however, the White House-PhRMA deal may be a bigger obstacle than Republicans. Dorgan's amendment is also championed by health care linchpin Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-Maine), who pledged last weekend to work to garner other GOP votes. Republican Sens. Charles Grassley (Iowa), John McCain (Ariz.) and David Vitter (La.) are cosponsoring a bill that would do the same thing.

Yes, not only are Democrats largely supportive of re-importing drugs from the socialist single payer health care wonderland of Canada, so are several Republicans. You follow? SIngle payer is something that would mean the death of freedom here in the US, buuuuuut if Canada wants to have it that's fine and oh, by the way, can we completely piggyback off it in order to lower our crippling medical costs?

You know why Canada has lower drug prices? Because they, like every other country in the world that has lower drug prices than us, negotiate directly with drug companies on prices. So of course we'd want to take the long, convoluted path of letting them do the work and then importing their drugs instead of, say, passing a bill that allows our government to directly negotiate our drug prices with pharmaceutical companies. I mean sure, our country is much larger and with much more people and we'd be able to use our leverage to garner much lower prices than Canada, but doing so would be socialism. No, it's makes better sense to import our drugs from socialists.

Don't you love the logic of the Senate? Now do you understand why nothing good ever happens there? Good, now go pass this amendment, Senators.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.30

Pope: My 'Guardian Angel' Let Me Down
I know he's the Pope and thus prone to believe in this fanciful bullshit, but did he really just blame an angel for failing to keep him upright? And then suggested that God wanted him to fall and ordered an angel to let it happen? I wonder why it is I fail to take religion seriously.

The Baucus Bill's Bad Math
Nate Silver turn his super robot abacus brain onto leaked plans of the health care bill that Max Baucus is negotiating. It seems that it can't possibly do what he says it will and contains a terrible mish-mash of attributes for a health care bill to have. Man, I'm so glad everyone decided it was a great idea to let Max fuckin' Baucus lead the way on health care reform.

Blue Dog Compromise Removes Billions In Savings From Public Plan
Who would have thought? I can't believe that the Blue Dogs actually ended up contradicting their stated goals in order to hack a few bucks out of a health care bill and pretend like they were doing something. It's almost as if they have no idea what they're doing or talking about. Good thing House Democrats decided to cede power to them.

The New Antiquarians
"New vintage". Overly precious kitschy shit on the walls. The hipster TGI Friday's aesthetic. Is it time to consider killing Wes Anderson and hemming in this retro 19th century taxidermist Futura fonted Victorian pastiche trend before it spreads or gets any new ideas? I'm as eager to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox as the next guy, but he needs to be stopped.

Beer choice at Obama meeting touches off new debate
Now that the President is mediating the most important peace accord since Sadat and Begin met, we can finally talk about what's important: booze. Lager? Wheat ales? Budweiser? A magical blend from the Sam Adams founder which melds all the flavors of the world plus magic rainbows? This is important, the whole next week of Glen Beck Hannity, and Rush's shows hinge on whether Barack orders a foreign beer or one they can deem "only pussy liberals drink".

Stormy Daniels Arrested for Domestic Violence
Not only did the porn star challenging David "whores are a conservative christian value" Vitter have a campaign adviser get car bombed, but now she's under arrest for beating her husband. Louisiana needs to have a Senate election every year. We're only in the beginning stages of the primaries and it's threatening to be the most interesting race ever. We're a bestiality arrest and a cultist kidnapping away from having to dip the campaign in bronze to preserve it for future generations.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.27

O'S WATCHDOG SNIFFING OUT RICH PAY PACKAGES
Finally. I mean haven't we been all waiting for weeks for a powerless compensation czar to look at financial industry pay structure for those receiving bailout money, decree which ones are ridiculous (hint: all of them), and then hope that with enough whining and media attention (hint: there won't be any) that he'll be able to chisel a few bucks out of the greediest fuckers on earth? I have.

Palin Steps Down As Alaska Governor
America's dumb rural aunt pretends to fade off into the pretend sunset. Yes it was replete with bullshit accusations, attempts to pretend scrutiny of her was disrespect to the American soldier, a litany of bizarre grammar, stories, anecdotes, and analogies, and all spit-shined with the pretend polish that she isn't dumping Alaska to immediately going to go out whoring for money she thinks the governorship is preventing her from hoarding. She will never go away.

David Vitter's "Serious Sin": GOP Eyes Fate Senator In Louisiana
A GOP hooker-banger runs for re-election. Eliot Spitzer weeps a little inside. Unsurprisingly he has the support of the GOP establishment and the religious powers, who have been moved by his attempts to pretend it never happened, that he doesn't know what you're talking about, and thank the baby Jesus that chased all the poor blacks out of the state with that hurricane. On the bright side: a porn star is running against him, so: intentional and unintentional comedy abounds.

The Petition to Make Obama Apologize
The NRSC comes out with their petition to try to make President Obama apologize for correctly identifying that police may have acted stupidly for arresting Professor Henry Louis Gates in front of his house the other day. Because when the charges are immediately dropped that's how you know police are completely in the right.

An Incoherent Truth
The ECON7-KRUGBOT MK-3000 opines on health care and the incomprehensible demands of the eternally retarded Blue Dogs Caucus, the caucus most likely to fuck it all up, are making on the bill. It turns out when you group hypocrite morons together, they just get louder and dumber, in addition to more powerful.

Forget Aloof, Bernanke Goes Barnstorming
Ben "Bitches love my rate cuts" Bernanke hits the road to stump for the Fed, trying to convince everyone that the central bank is helpful and not mysterious or menacing in any way. And if you don't believe that he'll leverage billions against you and destroy you in ways he will neither reveal nor could you hope to ever understand.

Jupiter: Our Cosmic Protector?
You want to know why God's attempts to murder us with asteroids have turned out so feebly? Is God a bitch? Have we found and worshiped a better God that protects us from the old jealous one? No, it turn out that Jupiter, friend that he is, is just using its massive size and gravitational pull to take the brunt of the damage for the solar system. So give it up for the Big J. The dinosaurs didn't and you see what mighty Jupiter did to them. Worship our new celestial master.

Sotomayor moves forward

It seems the Sotomayor confirmation process has regained some semblance of sanity. It would have been hard to get crazier, but still, things have been knocked back into almost sane levels of discourse. Well, by current standards anyway. Even Newt Gingrich is on board. He no longer thinks Sotomayor is a complete racist, he just think she's a "racialist", whatever that means. I guess that makes her a 7 on the racism scale, instead of her previous Tufnel-esque 11. Even Christian groups are getting on board, with the organization "Faith and Action in the Nation's Capitol" anointing the confirmation room with holy oils in an attempt to bless the room for a "truthful process for the American people." And if it perhaps leads to evil liberal spirits being forcefully exorcised from Democratic lawmakers and Sotomayor as they enter the room, that's just a bonus.

Even Sotomayor's recent ankle shattering has been met with some measure of restraint. Tom Tancredo has gone out of his way not to mention that white men are sturdier and have stronger ankles and said he even kind of regrets greasing the LaGuardia Airport terminal floor and paying an intern to trip her. Lawmakers are even going out of their way to be more accommodating.

Sen. David Vitter (R-LA) had “a bag of ice and a pillow on hand” when she arrived, and quipped, “I hope you all note that some Republicans are empathetic, too.” Sens. Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) and Mary Landrieu (D-LA) both signed her cast, and Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE) presented the Yankees fan with a “snapshot…of himself posing outside the old Yankee Stadium.”

Oh, that Vitter. As long as he isn't paying you $300 an hour to fuck him, he's a real charmer. But I can see why he was nice, he really needs to learn her judicial thoughts on prosecuting lawmakers who moralize about values and nail hookers on the side. And that rascal Ben Nelson. I'm sure there's nothing Judge Sotomayor will cherish more than a photo of you standing outside a stadium. You do know how to pick a gift.

See? Everything is all right. Just ignore the previous weeks. This is a semi-adult legal body conducting themselves in a semi-adult manner. No need to remember all that shame you felt. Blessings! Racialist! Ben Nelson photos! Meetings with Johns! America is back on track.

Gitmo: Compare/Contrast

UK government suppressed evidence on Binyam Mohamed torture because MI6 helped his interrogators

Mr Mohamed, 30, an Ethiopian, was granted refugee status in Britain in 1994. He was picked up in Pakistan in 2002 on suspicion of involvement in terrorism, rendered to Morocco and Afghanistan, tortured and then sent to Guantanamo Bay in 2004. All terror charges against him were dropped last year.
...
The 25 lines edited out of the court papers contained details of how Mr Mohamed's genitals were sliced with a scalpel and other torture methods so extreme that waterboarding, the controversial technique of simulated drowning, "is very far down the list of things they did," the official said.
...
He expects Mr Mohamed, who is currently on hunger strike, finally to be sent home from Guantanamo this week.

Right-Wing Senators Praised ‘Humane’ Conditions At Gitmo During 50-Detainee ‘Mass Hunger Strike’

Several other of Inhofe’s colleagues have been singing Gitmo’s praises. House Minority John Boehner (R-OH) remarked last month, “I don’t know that there’s a terrorist treated better anywhere in the world than what has happened at Guantanamo.” “Well, I agree that its gotten an image. I don’t know that that’s all completely deserved,” Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS) told MSNBC on Jan 22.

But according to a Guantanamo military lawyer, detainees are still being “beaten” and are living in horrific conditions. The Guardian reports today that Lt. Col. Yvonne Bradley is demanding the release of her client, who is “dying” because of his treatment.
...
Sens. David Vitter (R-LA), Richard Burr (R-NC), and Pat Roberts (R-KS) were also on Inhofe’s delegation, but none are speaking about these disturbing conditions. In fact, Burr blogged that the conditions are “well thought out and in keeping with our Nation’s highest ideals.” Burr also had this puzzling assessment:

If anyone receives mistreatment at Guantanamo, it is the guard force. They must endure frequent verbal and physical attacks from detainees while maintaining the highest standard of care for those same individuals.

This is the kind of stuff you'll need to remember when the President and the Justice Department decide that the people who tortured and ordered torture shouldn't be prosecuted because of some nebulous reason and Congress decides to go along.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.12

Tom Daschle To Also Oversee New White House Office Of Health Reform
All your healthcare jobs are belong to Tom Daschle. Apparently running the Department of Health and human Service isn't too labor intensive, because Tom also gets to run the newly invented White House Office of Health Reform. Try getting a job in this new economy, I'll bet you find Daschle swoops in and gets it before you do. This is yet another sign that not only does Obama want to get health care reformed, he's really focusing on the nuts and bolts of getting it passed. Using Tom Daschle either has you excited because he knows how the sausages are made and has remade himself into a health policy expert, or you hate it because he's an old time Washinton whore.

Gotcha!
If you want to be reminded about how almost the entirety of the War on Drugs is useless garbage and large scale fraud, go see the fruits of the labor of Barry Cooper and KopBusters and their trip to Odessa. Long story short they proved the cops were illegally using thermal imaging, making false reports and paying informants to lie. And all it took was Christmas trees under grow lamps and 24 hours. It also throws into question many of the drug convictions Odessa has, including one involving Yolanda Madden, who is in jail despite an informant stating under oath that he was payed by police to plant drugs on her.

In racially exclusive neighborhood, residents worried Bush will make it a 'target'
If I told you that Bush's new neighborhood had a neighborhood association covenant didn't allow black people to live there until 2000 (exceptions were made for servants) would you be surprised? In addition to the lack of blacks, he gets to chill with residents Ross Perot and Mark Cuban. The Cuban thing might be a little awkward, what with all those Bush appointees investigating him for insider trading.

Vitter leads Senate fight
Interesting that the Republicans decided to make David Vitter one of their TV spokesmen and pointmen on blocking the auto bailout. Remember him? He was named by two separate DC madam's as frequenting the services of prostitutes, often placing calls for hookers during House roll call votes. Most noted in that revelation was that he liked it when the hookers made him wear diapers. Now's he on TV everywhere making the case against the bailout and saying things like "ass-backward". That's how shallow the GOP bench is, known hooker paying diaper fetishists are the people you have to wheel out as spokesman.

Official TB Shit List (the first of many, we assure you)

These Bastards strongly suggests you mail many, many bags of shit directly to the offices and/or residences of the following United States Senators, all of whom voted in favor of Measure H.R. 6304, entitled, "A bill to amend the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act of 1978 to establish a procedure for authorizing certain acquisitions of foreign intelligence, and for other purposes." [emphasis mine]

Or, as we've taken to calling it around the office, "The Official Death Of The 4th Amendment To The Constitution Of The United States Of America My God How Can You People Fucking Sleep At Night You Dickless Fascist Lunatics"

Alexander (R-TN)
Allard (R-CO)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Baucus (D-MT)
Bayh (D-IN)
Bennett (R-UT)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Carper (D-DE)
Casey (D-PA)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Coleman (R-MN)
Collins (R-ME)
Conrad (D-ND)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Craig (R-ID)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)
Dole (R-NC)
Domenici (R-NM)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Feinstein (D-CA)
Graham (R-SC)
Grassley (R-IA)
Gregg (R-NH)
Hagel (R-NE)
Hatch (R-UT)
Hutchison (R-TX)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Inouye (D-HI)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johnson (D-SD)
Kohl (D-WI)
Kyl (R-AZ)
Landrieu (D-LA)
Lieberman (ID-CT)
Lincoln (D-AR)
Lugar (R-IN)
Martinez (R-FL)
McCaskill (D-MO)
McConnell (R-KY)
Mikulski (D-MD)
Murkowski (R-AK)
Nelson (D-FL)
Nelson (D-NE)
Obama (D-IL)
Pryor (D-AR)
Roberts (R-KS)
Rockefeller (D-WV)
Salazar (D-CO)
Shelby (R-AL)
Smith (R-OR)
Snowe (R-ME)
Specter (R-PA)
Stevens (R-AK)
Sununu (R-NH)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Voinovich (R-OH)
Warner (R-VA)
Webb (D-VA)
Whitehouse (D-RI)
Wicker (R-MS)

Cognitive dissonance/Splendor

Guess what's back?
The Federal Marriage Amendment, bitches!!!!!!

Simply put the bill wants to make sure that:

Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution, nor the constitution of any State, shall be construed to require that marriage or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon any union other than the union of a man and a woman.

Now, go click on the cosponsors. Don't worry, I'll wait.

Senator David "the Bayou Whoremaster" Vitter (R-Louisiana) and
Senator Larry "Tap Twice For Love, Once if You're Out of T.P." Craig (R-Idaho)

Not that I think this'll pass, but couldn't you Republicans just knock the names of the two least convincing marriage advocates in politics (unless Mitch McConnell fucked a dog and I didn't hear about it) off the bill?

What I mean is: STOP DOING MY JOB! I'm supposed to take something and make a smug, wiseass remark about it. It's called blogging. You've already done all the work. Gay sex in a bathroom and hookers. For fuck's sake, leave me with something.

EDIT: The General shows us the way.