NEW YORK--Fresh off its breakthrough appearance at the National Tea Party Convention last week, where it seemed to literally hold all the answers, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's left hand is said to be considering a presidential run in 2012.Several sources close to the prehensile, multi-fingered body part have noted its complete surprise at this rapid ascent to the top of the Tea Party ticket.
"It was truly floored" said a friend of the grasping appendage. "As loyal as it is to Sarah for everything she has done to further its career, her left hand is certainly considering other options outside of its current duties: hosting hastily scrawled talking points at public speaking appearances, rubbing husband Todd's 'little moose', waving, throttling a 500cc snowmobile, holding the throat of a caribou while the right hand slits the jugular, and cradling Palin's 'retard baby' for photo ops."
For its part, the Palin camp seems unconcerned about potential opposition in the next presidential election cycle. Most believe that their candidate's smarmy boilerplate conservatism, utter ignorance of virtually every important issue, and "sublime sweater meat" have her firmly positioned as the frontrunner for 2012.
"Did you see Sarah take the president down a notch at the Tea Party Convention?" asked senior adviser Clint Henderson. "The 'teleprompter' joke she read right off the printed pages of her speech? The 'hopey changey' crack followed by her trademark wink? We have no reason to be worried about some set of carpals, metacarpals, and phalanges that happened to land a spot in some AP photo."
Despite their outspoken confidence, several insiders suggest that the Palin camp is more concerned with her left hand than they are willing to admit.
"Oh, they're definitely paying attention to the left hand," claimed Politico staffwriter Amanda Schwartz. "Sarah Palin won't hesitate to start scribbling 'energy' and 'budget' and 'tax', 'breathe in, then out', and 'ham & cheese hot pockets' on her right hand."
In fact several advisers have prepared lines of attack should the collection of extrinsic muscle groups comprised of flexors and extensors decide to branch out on it's own. Sources point out the hand not only has numerous shady connections with crooked Alaskan politicians and disgraced governors, poor fingernail maintenance and sub-par nail polish color co-ordination with sleeves, but is clearly a mere backup should the dominant right hand get too tired.
Additionally, several sources have suggested that the left hand was part of a covered up junior high "hand massage with full release" scandal, but have also noted that the hand may just be too left to win a Republican primary.
Plus, as these Palin advisers point out, the left hand shows critical weaknesses in polling against Mitt Romney's hair, racial stereotypes about Bobby Jindal's ethnicity, and John McCain's sense of self-worth and integrity, which was last seen abandoning the Arizona Senator during '08 Presidential campaign and has recently re-entered politics.
But, this potential insurgency has not escaped the attention of the former Alaska governor. During a brief stop at a Tuscaloosa church bake sale and NRA rally, for which Palin was paid an estimated $75,000, the Fox News harpy in-residence said, "My hand has been with me since the beginning of my wild American life and I have faith that it will stay with me to the end."
She then added, "If not, amputation is always an option. If gloves fail."
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