When in doubt, quit.

There's been a well worn pattern for legislation over the past few years. Democrats attempt to address a pressing issue. Republicans, seeing that the successful addressing of said issue could make Democrats popular, throw all their weight into opposing it and filibustering it. In the mad dash to get 60 votes to overcome a filibuster, Democrats water the bill down to the point where all neutral observers are angered and disappointed. Bill that addresses tragically little of the original idea they meant to fix eventually passes to overblown fanfare. Wash, rinse, repeat.

Anyone want to guess how that pattern worked out for climate change legislation and energy policy? Surprise!!!! They just ended up quitting.

Light it on fire, and let its carbon pollution soar into the sky unrestricted: climate change legislation is dead.

At a press conference this afternoon, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), the Democrats' top climate and energy negotiator, acknowledged officially, and with obvious disappointment, that they lack the votes to pass legislation limiting carbon pollution, and that forthcoming energy legislation will be extremely narrow, in a bid to overcome a GOP filibuster.
...
In the meantime, Reid said, the Senate will proceed imminently with a much smaller bill that will tackle four goals:

It will deal with BP and oil spill liability, invest in the manufacturing of natural gas vehicles, create a jobs program -- formerly called Cash for Caulkers, now called Home Star -- aimed at increasing home efficiency, and put money back in the Land and Water Conservation Fund.

Well done! Round of applause. I'm sure this problem will fix itself. Mother Earth will look at this inaction and no longer wait for the government to fix things. She'll decide to pull herself up by her own bootstraps and become self-reliant. Plus, who needs a new energy policy? We're fine right now depending on the most volatile region in the world to supply us with underground dinosaur blood.

Is their a comic addendum that sounds tin eared in its naivete?

"President Obama called me before this meeting and said, point blank, he is committed to working in these next days at a more intensive pace...to help bring together the ability to find 60 votes for that comprehensive legislation," Kerry said.

Yeah, I'm sure Republicans will be real eager to jump on board with that one. I mean sure, they wanted no part of this bill now, but a week or two from now, closer to the elections, is when they'll all stop making political hay out of this, get serious, start believing science and scientists, and get serious about governing.

Hmm, I wonder if there's a recent scientific report with charts that comically underlines the depth of failure and inaction by our elected betters?

According to NASA, 2010 is on course to be the planet’s hottest year since records started in 1880. The current top 10, in descending order, are: 2005, 2007, 2009, 1998, 2002, 2003, 2006, 2004, 2001 and 2008.

Hot is the new normal.

Hah! It's funny because we'll all be dead of heat stroke soon. Bang up job, Senate!

Quote of the day

From an article depicting how Democrats and President Obama are willing to scale back and compromise on a scaled back, compromised, and largely ineffective (it's a like a running theme of the past year+) climate and energy bill.

But they said the president acknowledged that he could agree to a more limited climate and energy bill than any the senators had previously drafted.

“We believe we have compromised significantly, and we’re prepared to compromise further,” Kerry said.

Christ is there any more fitting epitaph that could be written on the Democrats' gravestone this November? I bet that phrase is on t-shirts they all wear underneath their suits.

Chart of the day

A chart via Keith Hennessey which shows US energy consumption and the methods by which we derive that energy. It's part of a larger article about how the oil spill is an opportunity for us to have a smarter, cleaner energy policy.

Modern America looking at a problem and acting decisively to deal with it in a progressive and sensible manner that sets us up for the future? I think the phrase is "Over the Senate's dead body."

click to embiggen

Things you don't want to hear the military say

There are things you don't want to hear the military say. Things like "Sorry we accidentally killed all those civilians", "Sorry we purposely killed all those civilians", "I just read a Glenn Beck book, who wants to start a Tea Bag militia with actual soldiers?", "I found the pin, but where's the grenade?", or "Anyone seen a large nuclear bomb shaped object lying around... perhaps with a southern man in a cowboy hat riding it... no?".

How about "we foresee a severe oil crisis that will drive up prices drastically as demand outstrips supply and further compounds large scale economic problems" and notes that they're going to be operating and planning for the future under these projections?

The US military has warned that surplus oil production capacity could disappear within two years and there could be serious shortages by 2015 with a significant economic and political impact.

The energy crisis is outlined in a Joint Operating Environment report from the US Joint Forces Command. ... "By 2012, surplus oil production capacity could entirely disappear, and as early as 2015, the shortfall in output could reach nearly 10 million barrels per day," says the report, which has a foreword by a senior commander, General James N Mattis.

It adds: "While it is difficult to predict precisely what economic, political, and strategic effects such a shortfall might produce, it surely would reduce the prospects for growth in both the developing and developed worlds. Such an economic slowdown would exacerbate other unresolved tensions, push fragile and failing states further down the path toward collapse, and perhaps have serious economic impact on both China and India."

Well.... goody gumdrops. Bonus points to a Mad Max apocalypse scenario. Now I know I won't look like an ass for armoring up my dune buggy and creating an array of fearsome costumes and masks.

I know you might be thinking "Well that's just the military and blarg blarg conspiracy raaargh no blood for oil", but if there's one thing that the US military takes seriously it's their ability to wage war and massive oil shortages fuck with their ability to wage war. On the bright side they're talking about 2015 and by then we'll probably have all that coastal offshore oil drilled out by then.

Sunshine and smiles everyone. Start hoarding gas and take lessons on how to subdue a school-bus full of gas, crossbow wielding rebels, and feral children with a Dodge Charger and a few thrill seeking minions.

Great Moments in American Business Leadership

In West Virginia the last of the bodies from the worst mining disaster in the last 40 years have finally been recovered. In the time since the tragedy began, the country has come to learn about one of the more odious shits in American business, which is saying a great deal. His name is Don Blankenship and he is the CEO of Massey Energy.

Aside from running a mine that racked up 3,000 violations and $2.2 million in fines, he is someone that virulently fought against any kind of regulation or oversight. He got stooges and cronies of his chosen by Bush to the MSHA review commission that decides all legal matters under the Federal Mine Act with predictable results, busted unions, constantly downplayed worker safety, declared it more important to "run coal" than follow things like safety regulations, derided obvious and necessary laws, decreed all his opponents were like bin Laden, threatened and assaulted reporters, and became a darling of the Fox News Hannity set. He really earned the titles "evil bastard" and "the 7th scariest person in the US" that Grist dumped on him.

So now it's kind of funny to look back and see the kinds of things he said about safety, regulation, and government oversight now that this disaster happened. Not "funny- haha", but more of a "funny- people are dead because of this man" type thing. Which is to say, not funny at all.

At his Labor Day anti-union rally last year, Massey CEO Don Blankenship attacked the Mine Safety and Health Administration (MSHA), claiming it “seeks power over coal miners.” He mocked both “Washington politicians” and local elected officials who attempt to ensure miner safety:

We also endure a Mine Safety and Health Administration that seeks power over coal miners versus improving their safety and their health. As someone who has overseen the mining of more coal than anyone else in the history of central Appalachia, I know that the safety and health of coal miners is my most important job. I don’t need Washington politicians to tell me that, and neither do you. But I also know — I also know Washington and state politicians have no idea how to improve miner safety. The very idea that they care more about coal miner safety than we do is as silly as global warming.

You really need to thee the video in the link, he literally draped himself in the American flag when he said this. But it's interesting that he says that the idea that anyone cares more about safety than him is as silly as global warming. One, literally anyone in this country could be seen as caring more about miner safety, as long as they don't end up resetting the "greatest mining tragedy" record before Blankenship does.

Secondly, as silly as global warming? You mean an easily tested a proven theory that has the almost universal support of the scientific community? You're right, Don. That sounds almost as ludicrous an idea as letting someone who won't literally exchange bodies for money look after workers. I guess it's one of those far out ideas like "venting methane gas from a mine". I bet some egghead scientist told you that'd be a problem too. You sure showed them.

Not that it's all bad news and mining tragedies for Donny. He hit a bit of good luck today as Standard and Poor upgraded Massey stock from Hold to Buy, noting that the financial impact of a mine exploding and killing 29 people would be immaterial to the bottom line. Hey, sounds like Blankenship was vindicated. He can trade lives and safety for money. Good for him. I guess everything worked out.

St. Sarah the Childlike

We all had a good bit of fun with former VP candidate, teen pregnancy advocate, and Alaska quitter Sarah Palin writing trite notes on her hand. Because she's one giant walking joke and Uncle Sean and Uncle Matt likes our material to come easy.

She wrote "energy" on her hand! Because apparently she thought she'd forget about the concept of abundant or usable power that can be used in a capacity to do work unless she had a reminder on her palm. Maybe she just wanted to remind everyone to drink Alaska brand oil or something.

But whatever you may think this says about her intellectual capacity, the lack of paper in her immediate vicinity, the inability almost two years hence to remember her rote, unchanging talking points, or the superior skin writing excellence of Bic, just know that you are wrong. Because God and Jesus and the Bible.

Isaiah 49:16 reads: "See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me."

"Hey, if it was good enough for God, scribbling on the palm of his hand, it's good enough for me, for us. He says, in that passage he says, I wrote your name on the palm of my hand to remember you. And I'm like OK, I'm in good company," Palin said to laughter.

See, God did it. Sure, God is all knowing, all powerful, and omniscient, but sometimes he has to write shit on his hand to remember it. He created the Heavens and the Earth first, pens second, and just didn't get to paper until like the ass end of day six. And she's just tryin' to be like the Lord and you're tryin' to be all like that Devil guy who was like "Hey God, get a fuckin' pen and some papyrus" and tried to tempt our Lord in the desert with visions of Microsoft Office Word, Sharpies, and corrasable bond.

So, you know, the baby Jesus. That's who you're criticizing when you think you're criticizing Sarah Palin. She was merely writing words on her hand to help her brain stand up to the mighty onslaught of pre-screened questions from teabaggers, much in the manner of our infant Lord. If you're fine with that keep up with the mocking. Just know that the Lord is taking note. On His hand.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.30

How much did Tiger Woods cost shareholders?
We all know what Tiger Woods' appetite for incredibly trashy bar skanks costs him: his status as the most ungodly boring athlete on the face of the planet, a perfectly good set of golf clubs that is now dented and covered in car paint, a car, and a number of endorsements. I heard John Daly walked up to Tiger and told him that he "really needed to pull himself together" because he was "acting reckless and damaging his reputation." There is no lower indignity. But what's happeneing to all the companies that hitched their wagon to the seemingly unstoppably mundane juggernaut known as the Tiger Woods marketing persona? They lost somewhere in the neighborhood of $5-12 billion in stock value. Ouch. Well at least Tiget got to sleep with some real classy ladies. I'm sure that's of real comfort to EA, Nike, and Gatorade stockholders.

How Algal Biofuels Lost a Decade in the Race to Replace Oil
Wired Science looks at how one of the best sources for biofuels, algae, got started and eventually fell by the funding wayside in the transition from Carter's alternate fuels programs to Reagan's OILOILOIL and tongue kissing Saddam programs. On the negative side, we lost decades worth of research into a very promising field. On the bright side, the recent stimulus package and increase in science funding has pumped money back into algae biofuel. The downside? That money is going to run out in a few years. If only we could get some way to turn algae into corn, there would probably be more support for the initiative.

Barley + Space = Space Beer!
Space beer. Do I actually have to say a third word? Fine, Japan (could it have been anyone else) sent up barley grains that spent 5 months on the International Space Station. Now, Sapporo is making 250 six packs and selling them through a lottery for $150. The money raised is going to fund science education. It should be used to fund more space beer. Is These Bastards the only ones who sees the possibility: moon water + space barley = zero G brain lubricant. Let's get on top of this shit Sapporo, if I can't actually visit a moon base, I want to be albe to get 3 sheets to the wind on space beer. Chop chop. Make it happen.

Star Wars Weather Forecast
I know what you're all thinking: what planet in the Star Wars galaxy does the weather outside most resemble? Well now, thanks to Tom Scott, you don't have to wonder. Just type in your zip code or city name and you'll know. It also helps you learn the Star Wars planet names if you're one of those uncultured swine who can't rattle off 40-50 imaginary planets in some macho display of nerd intelligence and misspent youth.

Not again! Giant Swedish Christmas goat statue gets torched
The good people of Stockholm are trying to create a Christmas tradition for their city: building a giant straw statue of a Yule goat, the Swedish precursor to God's son and the savior of man, Santa Claus. Unfortunately, Stockholm hooligans, most likely named Lars or Henrik, have decided upon their own Christmas tradition: evading the security surrounding the giant straw goat in order to set it ablaze. Guess which tradition is winning out? Fire trumps all.

Broken News: Scientists reluctantly admit global climate change conspiracy

COPENHAGEN—Citing the recently uncovered Climategate controversy and heavy consciences, the world's scientific elite gathered today at the United Nations Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen to formally admit the decades long conspiracy to trick the world into believing the science behind climate change and global warming was, in fact, real.

“Our bad,” announced the Chair of the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, Rajendra Pachauri, to the stunned silence of those gathered.

“Uh yeah,” he continued, sweating profusely and tugging nervously at his shirt collar. “We just wanted some attention. None of you care about climate science or anyone who does research in the field. Hell, TV weathermen get more respect than us.”

Clearing his throat, Pachauri added, “We also really hated industry and spitefully wanted to cripple economies for no good reason,” before sheepishly walking off the stage, his head drooped low.

As the pained cries of “No!” went up around the surrounding area and mixed with the joyful yelps of “I knew it!”, those in attendance at COP15 struggled to understand how such a vast conspiracy was hatched and held together.

Offering up his own explanation was Dr. Eric Wenham, a now discredited climate scientist working in the field of marine ecologies, who was huddled with a group of other scientists off to the right of the stage.

“Well, Mr. Pachauri was right. We all felt extremely unpopular and taken for granted,” he said, awkwardly digging his toe into the ground.

“I know why I got into measuring carbon concentrations in oyster and clam shells: for the fucking glory! It drove me right up the wall when I wasn’t getting the prestige and fame that a life in climate science was supposed to get you.”

The other scientists in the area agreed, with one in the back shouting “Actually, I got into climatology for the money.”

"And the women!" shouted an unidentified researcher.

“Well, we’re all in it for the money and women,” Wenham laughed. “I mean, we all know how much a top level climate scientist can pull down. Billions!“

As the day went on, this group of scientists went on to diagram how and why they became part of the greatest scientific hoax since the moon landing.

“For me, I first heard about it in hushed tones; people telling me that if I really wanted to make the big money I just had to mention that all my research showing increased carbon levels was somehow going to kill the world,” revealed Dr. Tashahiro Fumigato MIT. “A completely ludicrous proposition, by the way.”

The surrounding scientists nodded in agreement. Which begged the question, if carbon levels were actually rising, then wasn’t that a problem?

“Of course not!” Fumigato roared, practically doubled over with amusement. “We breathe CO2 out, so how dangerous can it be?”

Other scientists joined in the laughter with one asking how something could be bad if God made it.

“So,” Fumigato continued. “We just concocted a story about warming, rising oceans, bad weather, melting icecaps, and gussied it up with tales about sad polar bears and fuzzy kittens. Then all that money began rolling in.”

Everyone nodded and held up various bejeweled canes, diamond Rolexes, keys to Bentleys, and fat wads of sweaty $100 bills.

“I just want to be clear here,” Wenham chimed back in. “We also really hated industry and capitalism. I can’t stress that enough. We wanted to damage it for no other reason than our own personal amusement.”

Again everyone nodded, with several augmenting Wenham’s words with extra “really’s”, before they eventually grew disinterested in their own conspiracy and started to disperse into the crowd.

With this global conspiracy revealed and the climate "scientists" finally exposed for the frauds they are, few are sure what will happen next. Apart from Al Gore's imminent arrest and execution, most of the climate science field will revert to relative anonymity of a comparatively unrewarding upper-middle-class lifestyle.

For now, most observers are pointing to this hoax as evidence that people need to be more skeptical towards all science and especially scientists. On this point Dr. Fumigato agrees wholeheartedly.

“People just need to realize that scientists occasionally lie for no good reason and get other to join them in their lies, also for no good reason. Sometimes it really is best to listen to corporations and energy conglomerates that might not seem credible because of the colossal financial stake they have in discrediting science that doesn’t say what they want. Most times, they’re telling the truth. More so than us scientists, that’s for sure.”

A proposition

We like to consider ourselves a clearinghouse of useful information for our beloved public here at These Bastard Industries. So we are happy to announce to you that they may have discovered the next speculative bubble to burst and bankrupt you and everyone you know. I mean sure, the global financial apocalypse wiped out a lot of people. But hell, unemployment hasn't even hit 10% yet, so that mean there's still a full 90% of the country to traumatically affect yet. Enter the gas shale bubble.

The promise of enough natural gas to last the United States more than 100 years based on discoveries of vast shale formations could be the country's next speculative bubble to burst, a speaker warned Monday at a conference exploring the notion that the world's oil and gas are diminishing rapidly.

Arthur Berman, a Texas-based geological consultant, likened the optimistic projections for production from gas shale fields across the country to banks buying into mortgage securitizations, which spurred the housing market crisis and economic meltdown.

Those are the words I like to hear, baby. Now sadly, this only deals with a small part of the energy industry. Christ, natural gas production peaked 35 years ago. So even its likely collapse probably won't bankrupt this country or severely damage the world energy markets. Surely we can change that, I mean why wouldn't you want to tie up all your possessions in this? There's a 100 year supply! I mean sure 100 years isn't a lot and the coal market is the one that would have to go tits up for us to really get our post-apocalypse the Road-type situation on. But all I'm saying is there's ample opportunity for us and banks to inflate this bubble up to ridiculous proportions, leverage it in dangerous ways, tie it to the financial well being of things we hold dear, and knock out the last few remaining pillars of American and world financial stability.

I mean our financial betters haven't really changed their way of business. So how hard would it be to leverage more credit default swaps, derivatives, and collateralized debt obligations to the belief that gas shale will never run out? It's not any dumber than believing home prices will always rise. Let's get this going and try to have the economy re-destroyed, or at least the rubble reshuffled, by the end of next year.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.31

More ‘Evidence’ of Intelligent Design Shot Down by Science
I don't know. You mean to tell me that combining the intellectual rigor of 'God did it" with lying about actual science doesn't stand up to scientific scrutiny? Color me surprised and subsequently damned by God for all eternity for believing in Darwin's monkey myth. We'll throw it on the pile with all the other clear refutations. I feel sorry for the scientists studying this stuff. Sure they're making important discoveries about biology and evolution, but their audience is a group of people who will never be swayed by things like "evidence" and "scientific proof." Oh well, here's to hoping someone just finds a golden tablet under a tree that says God says evolution is real. Then, we'll have real proof.

Trial by Fire: Did Texas execute an innocent man?
Yes, it's what they do. Next question. Oh, you wanted to know if Texas executed a specific man who also happened to be innocent. Yes. Next question. But please, do read the New Yorker's comprehensive story on the case of one Cameron Todd Willingham and how you can get executed over disproven forensics and a host of other obvious mistakes and lies and a Governor too busy prattling on about secession to read about things like science and evidence.

The Cutting Edge – Humidity, Summer Skiing at Falwell's University
You know when your school doesn't have to spend money on things like accreditation and accurate science textbooks...or really any books other than the bible, you get to buy the campus some pretty kick ass shit. Like a snowless ski hill. Because what other way is there to crank out the next generation of Monica Goodlings unless your campus is not only pious, but totally radical.

Environmentalists Slow to Adjust in Climate Debate
Other than the first rule of dealing with hippies (Never go with a hippie to a second location), the second is the most important: never let the hippies organize a counter lobbying effort when they're pitted against energy conglomerates. See the story of concerted organization, junkets, press time, and face time with legislators vs. ......stickers. Yeah, looks like sensible environmental legislation and cap & trade is going to have to wait a while. On the bright side, at least Phish is back together.

Israel's Wealthiest Woman Says She Can See the Future
I think we found the answer to the question "How much money do you have to have before your crazy outbursts, deranged proclamations, and God complex are largely ignored?" The answer is $2.7 billion, which is the exact amount that Shari Arison, the richest woman in the Middle East and seer of the future, is carting around. So if you want people to believe your street-corner proclamations about government nanobots in your blood, you better start investing.

Decision to end ‘Reading Rainbow’ traced to a ‘shift’ in priorities during the Bush administration.
Turns out you can pretty much blame everything on the Bush Administration, even the cancellation of beloved reading shows. But then again you can see the logic. They were pretty sure that the book banning thing was going to catch on more than it did and didn't see the need to fund a show that promoted reading. It's a shame, Reading Rainbow's review of "The Pet Goat" was what famously got George to pick up the book in the first place....and not put it down for 7 minutes.

Broken News: “Spontaneous grassroots movements have no leaders" say movement leaders

WASHINGTON—With the recent push for health care and energy reform within the government, news coverage has been rife with stories of citizens and citizen groups being organized, exploited, and in some cases fabricated out of whole cloth in the service of large corporations and the interest groups that represent them on all sides of the debate.

Representatives from the various groups embroiled in the debates gathered today to assure everyone that these grassroots movements are in no way a naked extension of well-established political and corporate actors.

“We take offense to the notion that these expressions of support for our industry are anything other than populist movements in support of our agenda,” said Gerald Faraday, director of communications for the National Organization of Moderately Evil Pharmaceutical Conglomerates.

“That several of these groups seem to parrot our press releases word-for-word is just a happy coincidence. I’m not going to deny we offered help when we saw the public’s desire for the pharmaceutical industry to maintain its profit margins. That said, we provided assistance in only a few small areas: namely organization, funding, media strategy, and message. It’s not like we invented these groups in conjunction with PR firms, no matter what the New York Times or Washington Post claims those intercepted e-mails say.”

When some of the assembled media rabble pointed out those recently discovered memos show blatant collaboration between health care companies, lobbying firms, and the Republican Party in creating instructions for how these ostensibly "grassroots" organizations could best disrupt town hall meetings designed to open discussion on the issue, the assembled groups were quick to defend their practices.

“Look, we just wanted to make sure these groups knew how to best maximize our, I mean, their, interests,” said Dr. Victor Arlovsky, spokesman for the American Health Industry and a former convicted Crimean War criminal who is kept alive solely through his hatred of Sardinians. “And what better way to open the debate by making sure that anyone trying to intelligently talk about the matter was shouted and hooted down by easily organized childish armies of teabag-swinging birth certificate experts? We were merely advising, not organizing, encouraging, or busing in people. This is about the people’s outrage over cheaper health care.”

Questions quickly turned to the energy debate, where some energy companies had come under recent fire for hiring a public relations firm, Bonner and Associates, which subsequently forged letters from non-profit groups purporting to show them siding with the interests of the coal lobby. But those assembled today laughed off such accusations.

“Are we to extinguish the fires of American ingenuity as well?” asked energy lobbyist Eric Sandoval through a microphone powered by a coal fired generator that was quickly filling up the room with black smoke. “It was merely an artistic writing exercise that the media spun out of control. ‘What if Batman’s parents had lived?’, ‘What if Superman never landed on earth?’, ‘What if organizations that were opposed to our goals were to be shown to support them?’ You know: creative fiction.”

“But somehow once the media finds out we sent them to lawmakers, purely in the interest of getting their opinion on our creative works I assure you, then suddenly we’re ‘evil.’ We were merely positing a world in which everyone supported us,” he finished, noting that the smoke that several of the members of the media had begun to choke on was “just good old fashioned CO2”, that it was natural, and to stop complaining about the burning sensation in their lungs already.

The press conference began to take a nasty tone when the recently announced involvement of trade unions in the health care town hall meetings was discussed.

“Get fucked ya fuckin’ humps,” said Vinnie “Da Balls” DiNelco, Director of Outreach and Bustin’ the Heads of Fuckin’ Mouthy Pieces of Shit for the AFL-CIO. “What’s more fuckin’ grassroots than the one of the country’s largest unions gettin’ its members to invade these meetins to shout down those jagoffs from the pharmaceutical companies who’re shoutin’ at those assholes from Washington who take money out of our fuckin’ paychecks? Just two grassroots organizations cussin’ and fightin’ while nothing of importance is able to be discussed by the public at large. Now if you’ll excuse us, this meetin’ is fuckin’ over.”

With that, several groups of people ran into the room and proceeded to shout down additional questions, hoot, and hang media members in effigy.

“My God, a completely grassroots protest of our treatment at the hands of the vile media and their whorish masters in the Kingdom of Sardinia,” Dr. Arlovsky was heard to cry, before the shouting and ranting from the grassroots protesters drowned out all potential for worthwhile conversation. As members of the media left in disgust, some noted their disbelief at the gall of the proceedings but were surprised at the level of grassroots support that had been shown for the assembled industries.

The Waxman fan club goes wild

This probably isn't going to be that big of a story as it should be as there are no teams, rivals, or teams of rivals involved, but Henry Waxman has just defeated John Dingell for the chairmanship of the House Energy and Commerce Committee. What does all of this mean? Well namely that this House body holds sway over the five points energy, the environment and health care. Now this isn't going to mean any real change in health care but it is going to make any proposed changes Obama, or the House for that matter, wants to make for the environment and energy, specifically dealing with cars and mileage and emissions standards.

Dingell, more or less, was a Detroit man who stood in the way of things like increasing CAFE standards for mileage and any real substantive action on global warming that affected the car industry. Waxman has no such entanglements, thus we're likely to see a huge new push on the environment and global warming. This will also be helped by the fact that Waxman's former chief of staff, Phil Schiliro, is now Obama's director of legislative affairs. So score one for the good guys, you might not choke to death of smog or drown in a global flood.

DRAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE, Fidel, you boy!

If Cuba has a milkshake and I have a milkshake and I have a straw...

Cuba claims massive oil reserves

The state-owned Cuban oil company says the country may have more than 20bn barrels of oil in its offshore fields - more than double the previous estimate.

Cubapetroleo's exploration manager said drilling in the offshore wells would begin as early as the middle of 2009.

Such reserves would place Cuba among the top 20 oil producing nations.

Uh-oh, looks like we're going to need to add Cuba to the list of places we shouldn't import oil from. Let's see the list includes the entire Middle East, Venezuela, and Russia. Perhaps we just need a sufficient offshore operation. You know, giant rigs drilling slightly at an angle. I believe the term is slant drilling. Steal Cuba's oil, that's got to bump up our 3% of the world's oil reserves up a couple percent. I'm sure the CIA already has a plan and there are still a couple people in the backrooms there still pissed about the Bay of Pigs. I say let them commence Operation Plainview. We can drill our way out of this energy crisis.

Macacca on energy

George Allen on oil

"I love that statement, America is addicted to oil. What an elitist point of view. Americans are not addicted to oil. Americans are addicted to freedom — the freedom and liberty to move where and when we want."

I wish I was addicted to freedom. That shit only costs $2.78 a gallon. But noooo, we had to make cars run on oil instead of America's greatest renewable resource: patriotic jingoism. George Allen could have fueled his car for months with that patriotic jibber jabber, instead he has to go beg a sheik for dinosaur blood.

Though on a more serious note, if you are addicted to freedom there are many organizations that can help you kick it. Seek out a meeting and change your life today. Stop chasing the freedom dragon!

Republicans piss and moan for oil

Republicans aren't going to give up the fight. They're committed to solving high gas prices. They're committed to helping American's get cheaper gas. That commitment only extends to drilling however, and only when they can make political asses out of themselves.

– “Today is the 2008 version of the Boston Tea Party.” [Rep. John Shadegg (R-AZ), 8/1/08]

– “Without your help we won’t be able to do anything…like the founders of this country we’re going directly to the American people.” [Rep. Tim Price (R-GA), 8/4/08]

– “Tell your congressman- we don’t want you back home. We want you in Washington. This could be America’s greatest hour. Insist that we come back to vote.” [Rep. Don Manzullo (R-IL), 8/4/08]

– “As a part of their history-making efforts to continue the fight to lower gas prices, House Republicans held a press conference just a few moments ago to demand that Speaker Pelosi allow a vote on the American Energy Act.” [Blog of House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-OH), 8/4/08]

I know what you're saying: "They've decided the best image to conjure up for their political oil masters is when Americans came together to dump something overpriced into the ocean." I know, that's not the image you want to conjure up for offshore oil drilling. Or the self aggrandizing statement about how shilling for your oil daddies is 'America's greatest hour'. This in addition to the fact that offshore drilling will in no way reduce gas prices now or in the future. But you knew that already. Oh yeah, one more thing, Democrats did try to have an up or down vote on this last week......the Republicans blocked it.

What's great is that all the pissing and moaning, breath holding, foot stomping, and tear stained speeches from hacks like John Boehner, the Republicans can't even get Bush to pull a token stunt to make Congress has to stay in session over their break. Let me repeat that: they can't even convince the boy emperor to pull a petty, snide, empty stunt before he jets off to Beijing to be secretly loathed by our athletes. Ouch.

Take it like men Republicans. Go back to your paymasters, tell them you couldn't get them the free money they wanted, get rapped on the knuckles with a ruler, then go into the "Grope Closet" with Rex Tillerson and David O'Reilly until they've gotten their fill of your pasty flesh. You'll never learn otherwise.

Under (tire) Pressure

The bad idea factory otherwise known as the John McCain campaign is pimping its newest piece of clever, an Obama Tire Pressure Gauge. This handy item was issued in response to Obama's outlandish and wildly controversial aside that maintaining good tire pressure increases fuel economy.

The GOP plan is to distribute these tire gauges to newsrooms and at rallies around the country as Obama unveils his energy policy over the next week. According to McCain Campaign Manager Rick Davis, who really ought to take me off his email list, "Senator Obama's solution to high gas prices is telling Americans to make sure their tires are inflated."

Yes, it has come to this. While Atrios already asked, how is this funny, I think the answer is rather clear: In the absence of momentum, coordination, substantive policy, or a candidate who can remember what he ate for breakfast, the McCain campaign has reverted to extracting a minor comment out of context and acting as though it is the primary focus of the speech. Old political tactic, sure, but pretty lame. More over, the campaign, already financially outpaced by its Democratic rival, shelled out a bunch of cash for fucking custom tire pressure gauges.

Does this make anyone else think of that episode of Arrested Development where Michael buys all of those whistles in an attempt to encourage transparency at the Bluth Company?

But fear not, Republicans. It seems Obama is tacking right on offshore drilling as well. Next time have a little more patience before placing the order.

You're welcome

A flashback to October 14, 2001.

THEY are the nightmares, the worst confluence of misguided decisions and startling violence, that politicians and oil executives ponder briefly and then shoo away:

That sympathizers of Osama bin Laden sink three oil tankers in the Strait of Hormuz and choke off the narrow, bow-shaped channel that funnels 14 million barrels a day from the Persian Gulf to the rest of the world. That the United States attacks Iraq, and Israel launches a huge strike against the Palestinians, driving them from their camps and staking out more land -- all of which spurs the Persian Gulf states to cut off oil for the West. Or perhaps that a popular uprising, led by sympathizers of Mr. bin Laden, topples the ruling Saud family in Saudi Arabia, by far the world's largest oil producer.

''If bin Laden takes over and becomes king of Saudi Arabia, he'd turn off the tap,'' said Roger Diwan, a managing director of the Petroleum Finance Company, a consulting firm in Washington. ''He said at one point that he wants oil to be $144 a barrel'' -- about six times what it sells for now.

From Foreign Affairs in May.

Mr. Chairman, Members of the Committee, about ten years ago, Osama bin Laden stated that his target price for oil is $144 a barrel and that the American people, who allegedly robbed the Muslim people of their oil, owe each Muslim man, woman, and child $30,000 in back payments. At the time, $144 a barrel seemed farfetched to most. Today, bin Laden is a mere $20 a barrel short of his target and there is little doubt it will be attained. I would like to impress upon this Committee that $144 a barrel oil will be perceived as a victory for the Jihadist movement and a reaffirmation that the economic warfare component of its campaign against the West is a resounding success. There is no need to elaborate on the implications of such a victory in terms of loss of U.S. prestige and our ability to prevail in the Long War of the 21st century. It is therefore imperative that the U.S. Congress do its utmost to forestall such a setback.

We're doing his recruiting work for him, we're achieving his goals for him, we won't even go after him, and bin Laden doesn't even have the common courtesy to say thank you. What a dick.

235 mpg

Laugh at High Gas Prices With a 235-MPG VW
The good people of Volkswagon have gone to the trouble of creating a 235 mpg car for you. It weighs 660 pounds and is made entirely out of carbon fiber, magnesium, titanium, and aluminum. Though it isn't clear if all these materials will make it into the production model. The suspension weighs 18 pounds. The transmission weighs 50 pounds. The 16-inch wheels are carbon fiber. It has a magnesium steering wheel like you always wanted. For you co-efficient drag buffs, the car has a coefficient of drag of 0.16. Which is good and possibly enables flight and/or time travel. It has anti-lock brakes, stability control, airbags, and can apparently pass all safety tests.

One liter of fuel gets 100km. Which I think converts to Americanese as like 500 furlongs or something. Science does not yet have the math to convert it to miles. They weren't going to put it out until 2012, but carbon fiber prices dropped since apparently now everything is made out of carbon fiber. Even shoes. Also the price of oil/Middle East thing had something to do with it. The major plus is that it makes you feel like you stole the car out of A.I., Minority Report or any futuristic movie where the cars don't fly. You'll also be able to sneer at Prius owners for driving such a gas guzzler. They'll probably cry.

There are some problems. One is that bullys may be able to completely pull your underwear over your head, embarrassing you in front of the car. Also masculine Hummer drivers will be able to pick it up and toss it to each other while you lamely run in between them pleading for them to stop and give it back. They could also hold it over your head out of reach until you admit how awesome their SUV is. Also it'll cost anywhere from $31,750 to $47,622. So there's that.

VW plans to have it ready to buy in 2010.

How's $400 dollar a barrel sound?

Global Energy Network Depends on a Few Vulnerable Nodes

This article from Wired, via New Scientist, shows how shockingly vulnerable the world's oil supply is. The Enbridge pipelines supply one fifth of our oil, the Abqaiq processing facility processes two thirds of Saudi oil, ten percent of the worlds oil goes through the Ras Tanura terminal, and the straits of Hormuz and Malacca see twenty percent of daily production. Any disruption at these points would completely throw us into the garroting and shanking situation I described before.

The scary part is that when testing scenarios SAFE found that it would only take a 1.2% disruption to affect price increases as much as 75%.

Fears of attack aside, the weakening dollar and our weakening economy is what's going to be driving up oil in the near term. So get ready to turn on your fellow man.

Oil is a lubricant

Have you wondered just how much longer the Middle East and oil companies could bend you over a barrel, banging away at your tender nether regions in a gruff and unkind manner? Shouldn't they be getting tired from all the fucking? Shouldn't they be pulling out, throwing some loose change on the ground, and letting us go on our way?

Apparently not. We seem to have, crucially, screwed up the way we were supposed to receive our rough violation. There's been too much cheek clenching and crying. We need more practice and they're willing and able to give it to us.

The $140-$170 barrel that OPEC predicts, isn't even the worst case scenario. $7 dollar a gallon gas could be in our near future and the current national debate is over how much drilling we need to do here. Just offshore or is there some way we can extract essential oil from the elderly by building some sort of crude human derrick? Alternative fuels and public transportation infrastructure are the patchouli stinking dreams of the unserious. Frankly, I have low hopes. In ten years we're still going to be bitching about public transportation, alternative fuels, and gas prices because some Texas backbencher didn't think any of the plans gave enough incentives to Exxon or Mitch McConnell wanted to stall in an attempt to make midterm "democrats aren't solving problems" election gains.

Either that or we're just a few months away from living out Mad Max. I know which one I'm hoping for. Critically, this is a Mad Max scenario without the whimsy, mirth, and gyrocopters of said trilogy.

Fuck your fellow man, it's garroting and shanking time. See you on the killing fields. I'll be in the armored These Bastards SUV, ramming the school bus you filled with women, children, and precious gasoline.

Photo by Flickr user bryanburke used under a Creative Commons license