Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.14

Modern Toss' Periodic Table of British Swearing. Click to embiggen you 71 with 76 and a 79.

Maybe you were clued into this fact when you went outside last week and your brain melted, your shirt soaked through, and you begged unsuccessfully for God to kill you immediately, but it was fucking hot. The hottest January to June in recorded history. If you were one of those douches who complain the global warming is a myth or hoax or were one of those shitbags who was yelling how there couldn't be global warming because there was so much snow over the winter, know this: next time it hits 90 and I have to listen to one of you jerkoffs spout off about Al Gore, I'm lighting you on fire. Spread the word.

In The World Is Full of Deadbeat Scum News, remember all that money every country pledged to Haiti and then patted themselves on the back for, it's citizens clapping and cheering for the gesture and then never bothering to ever check back on to see how Haiti was doing? Turns out only 1.9% of that money has made it to Haiti. Not that it matters. That money was about making us feel better, not Haiti. And we do feel better. What's Haiti? Haven't even thought about it in months. Mission accomplished.

Are you one of those people who thinks that a gas station sandwich is too luxurious a gastronomic delicacy to partake in? Good news, that's why science has created Candwich: the Sandwich in a can. Maybe the idea of eating a BBQ chicken sandwich in a Mountain Dew can doesn't seem appealing, but did I mention there was a candy surprise? On the bright side, this product is the result of SEC fraud and a real estate swindle, and how many awful foodstuffs can say that?

If you had to guess where the nexus of dumb parents, dumb school districts, fear of technology, misunderstanding of technology, misunderstanding of drugs, and fear of youth gone wild was, Oklahoma would have to come up early in the discussion right? That's where a school district is under the grip of kids downloading and listening to "digital drugs" and "i-dosers", sounds/songs that are supposed to create a drug like euphoria. *sighs* This sounds like a town ripe for the taking from a shady monorail salesman. Whatever happened to huffing gas and listing to Dark Side of the Moon? I think everyone should just abide by my one rule: technology is a witch, burn it. It is responsible for the Candwich after all.

As some of you are aware, the threat of robot attack is constant. But today I bring you news of an even greater threat: psychic warrior octopi. Of course we are referring to Paul, a German octopus who correctly predicted the last eight World Cup matches. Some might say that this is just random luck and that the octopus was probably just picking flags based on which one has more yellow in it. To them I say: octopi are probably color blind. I think it's much more likely it can see around the curvature of spacetime and into the future.

We all love Mel Gibson and his humorous awful misogyny and equal opportunity racism. Even if it did likely cost us a movie where he walked around with a beaver hand puppet and then committed suicide. But for those who didn't like Mel's various affronts to all human decency, would perhaps cute kittens saying his most heinous 20 quotes change your mind? C'mon, forgive him. Look at the beaver movie picture. That goddamn thing has to be allowed come out.

Dirty, dirty, dirty

You know, I really thought we were done knocking George W. Bush. OK, that's a lie. I really thought we were done directly knocking the man on a personal level. Oh sure, we'd savage his policies, the consequences of those policies, and the members of the conservative established who were part of his administration and now won't go away, but we thought we were done with G-Dub himself.

Why? Because he's mostly done with politics, content just to earn money on the truck show and motivational speaker circuit. Plus he made himself part of a genuinely good thing; palling up with Bubba to raise money, awareness, and humanitarian aid for the people of Haiti. Oh sure, you could knock him for supporting the Aristide coup, which looks poor in hindsight. But it's not like that was what made building code regulation non-existent. Then... well, then he went and did this:



Yeah, he did just shake hands with a dirty poor person and then immediately wipe his hand off -- in that demonstratively unsubtle Bush way we all came to know and love -- on Bill Clinton. Clinton seems to have a slight reaction of "Did he just do what I think he just did? Did he just try to wipe a double dose of the black and the poor off of his hands?" Yeah Bill, he did.

George, we've heard you're an obsessive hand-sanitizing germophobe. But the next time... could you wait just a few seconds before you recoil in horror, your body contorts itself into an "Ewwwwww" posture, and you immediately try to cleanse yourself of dirty Haitian on the shirt of the nearest dignitary? Just hold it in, subsume your revulsion towards everything that surrounds you, and at the end of the day have the staffers prepare you a nice, hot bath of Purell.

Otherwise this sort of thing makes you look like... well, George W. Bush. But you ought to be used to that by now.

Not getting it

Karl Rove is a busy man. Not only does he have the time to do commentary for Fox News, write a book, cut a bloody swath through the fact-checking community, give Stephen Colbert new ham based material, engage in the black arts that keep his 3,000 year old body alive for one more 24-hour period ,take pride in torture, and poison the area gopher population for free around his local community, but he also has time to make extremely loaded statements that show little to no self awareness of that administration he was in and that President he served.

Take it away, Turd Blossom.

ROVE:...they let a cowboy president try to act in an extra-constitutional way to violate a fundamental principle in the Constitution, all without having done their homework in advance.

What's Karl talking about? Is that a reference to himself letting Bush and Cheney run wild? Is he trying to blame other staffers for the mistakes and crimes of the Bush Administration? Is he trying to place blame on Congressional Democrats and Republicans for failing to utilize their oversight on the White House?

No, he's attacking the Obama Administration for not sitting back and allowing a military coup overthrow the democratically elected President of Honduras. Of course he is. You know maybe we should take him at his word on this. I mean if anyone could deadeye a cowboy President violating the Constitution at 100 paces, it's Karl Rove. Hell he studied at the feet of the master for nearly eight years. He could teach the course.

On the other hand, he clearly doesn't understand what's in our Constitution, so how can we expect him to know what's in Honduras' Constitution or even where Honduras is?

But the man is an expert on homework. I mean how could you accuse your opponent of fathering a black lovechild out of wedlock if you hadn't done the research to learn that they adopted a Bangladeshi child ahead of time?

No, he's an expert. We should listen to him. Obama: let military coups go through! We all saw what wonders it did for Haiti. Remember to send that thank you note to Bush, Cheney, and Rove.

Chart of the day

Via Marginal Revolution comes a look at various measures of how to measure Haiti aid from different countries in terms of pure dollars, as related to GDP, or per citizen. It seems on a per capita basis, Ghana cares the most.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 01.27

Report: U.S. Drone Goes Down Over Pakistan. Again.
What's the one phrase you don't want to hear in our illustrious war on terror. I mean besides "they're using magic wands to detect bombs in Iraq." Would it be something along the lines of all the Predator drones are glitch ridden, cut out of contact frequently, don't handle anything other than nice weather very well, are notoriously difficult to land, and crash a lot? Good news then, as it seems as we widen the scope of our war on terror we are coming to rely more and more on crash prone planes that can't be flown if there's a stiff breeze. On the bright side, it looks like General Atomics is the Bell Helicopter of our generation. Buy stock.

Dungeons & Dragons Prison Ban Upheld
In what is the next great step in the evolution of the main goal of the US prison system (Goal 1: fuck over inmates as capriciously and pettily as possible for no discernible reason other it makes society feel better. Goal 2: See Goal 1.) Dungeons & Dragons is now banned as it "promotes gang activity." Still one wonders why anyone would want to play a game that so closely resembles their own life, with the dungeon represented by an actual concrete dungeon and the dragons represented by the many personal battles one fights in prison from rapes from the black gangs, to rapes from the Mexican gangs, to rapes from the Aryan gangs. Oh, let's not for get the shankings. Ah well I'm sure this will solve all gang related problems in prison.

Pentagon Report Calls for Office of ‘Strategic Deception’
The Defense Science Board in the Pentagon says our intelligence and military capabilities are not being used to their fullest. It seems we are lacking a Dept. Of Dishonesty or a Ministry of Truth, if you will. Because for all the trillions we spend on defense, we just haven't put enough effort into having a few more lying fuckers on the payroll. I agree, if there's one thing that I complain about, it's that our military and intel communities are just way too truthful. It's nice to see that the lessons people take away from 1984 are "this book is just chock full of good ideas." Ah well, at least people are reading more.

Will Haiti Earthquake Response Slow Afghan Troop Surge?
An interesting subplot for the next few months in our war on terror and in our relief efforts. Seems we just went and put our Afghanistan surge into Haiti, putting 33,000 troops and the requisite equipment onto the ground in Port-au-Prince. What will happen when we need those troops to go kill brown people instead of help black people? It'll be interesting to see how they answer that ques..... they'll leave and go kill brown people. It's not even a question. Hope you get all your aid you need in the next few months, because the mountainous border between Afghanistan and Pakistan is calling to us like a sirens song.

Driving A Hard Bargain: Nelson Says He Would've Opposed His Own Abortion Language
If there's one silver lining to the fact that Democrats don't have 60 seats and that the conference committee option is no longer feasible for health reform, it's that odious fuckers like Ben Nelson will no longer get to needlessly poison the bill with their short-sighted, troglodytic concerns. Not only was Ben Nelson fighting for his right to own every woman's uterus, he was willing to pull a knife-in-the-back double cross during the conference committee process to kill the bill if he didn't get abortion concessions made that were even more restrictive than the ones he already negotiated, signed off on, and voted for. Do you understand, House? This is why the Senate can't be allowed to meddle with health care again.

Makes sense

One has to appreciate all the opportunities that the Haiti earthquake has given people. Oh, not to improve a beleaguered country, show unprecedented levels of humanitarian care and aid, or aspire to the better angels of human nature. No, to come up with crazy ass conspiracy theories about the "truth" behind the relief efforts and the earthquake.

Of course the man to step up to the forefront is Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. First he stated we were using the earthquake and aid as a pretext for occupying Haiti. you know, because controlling Haiti would be such a jewel in our crown. But then he wised up and came to a more reasonable conclusion: we were responsible for the earthquake.

Venezuelan leader, Hugo Chavez has reportedly said the Haiti earthquake was caused by a U.S. tectonic weapons test, also being dubbed The Earthquake Weapon.

Hugo Chavez told Spanish newspaper ABC that a "tectonic weapon" launched by the U.S. Navy was capable of triggering a powerful earthquake off the coast of Haiti. Chavez told the newspaper that this time it was only a test and the ultimate target is Iran

First off: The Earthquake Weapon? That's an unbelievably shitty name. Come up with something better, Hugo. Secondly, he also blames the US for the January 9th earthquake in Eureka, CA, but says we only might be responsible for a 2008 earthquake in China. Which is it, Hugo? Do we cause all earthquakes now or just some of them? Get your facts straight.

As for the accusations that we want to use this secret (but not so secret that every two-bit conspiracy theorist not only knows about it, but also knows where it is located: the HAARP facility in Alaska) earthquake weapon to finally destroy Iran? Well, no shit. We don't have the troop strength to fully invade so our only other recourse is magic space vibrations shot from satellites formerly controlled by Sarah Palin.

It's just a shame that you caught on to our plan to unleash El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo on Iran. Now we can't crush them under the might of our weather controlling powers! Curse you, Hugo, and curse the Fifth Republic Movement! Now we'll have to wait to destroy Iran... that is unless... would people find it suspicious if Tehran was hit by a Category 5 hurricane? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Broken News: AMERICANS ARE DEAD IN HAITI!!!!!!!!

PORT AU PRINCE-In what was initially thought to be a minor geological event notable only for its proximity to the United States, reports made almost a week after the fact revealed something so shocking that America, and indeed the world, must now stand up and take notice.

According to reports filed by the US media, a minimum of 17 Americans were killed during the quake that may or may not have damaged areas outside of where these specific Americans were staying. Upwards of 5,500 Americans are also missing, feared dead as a result of events that we are now allowed to consider important.

“My God, the toll that has been wrought on America has been incalculable,” observed Red Cross spokesman Erica Paymer.

“Here we all were, thinking this was a minor curiosity of little importance that might allow for some pundit posturing or celebrity tax write-offs. But thanks to the vigilance of an American media that incessantly mentions 17 dead Americans, we now know the true toll of this horrific event.”

In addition to the dead Americans, there are also a number of other dramatic inconveniences to America as a result of the Haitian catastrophe. Initial reports point to a precipitous uptick in Wyclef Jean sightings, as well as some sort of correlation between the Haiti event and a decrease in backup supplies of food and water held by relief organizations.

In fact, several aid workers stationed in Miami noted that pallets of bottled water traditionally reserved for filling Super Soakers or moistening MRE’s consumed when nobody felt like driving to a nearby McDonald's had mysteriously disappeared.

Flights bound for Haitian resorts and connecting flights to other South American resorts have also been canceled due to an apparent increase in other kinds of airplanes flying into the Port-au-Prince airport for some as-yet undefined reason. But all of this pales in comparison to the hardships the earthquake has caused to cruise ships docking nearby.

“They cut our jet ski time in half and canceled the glass-bottom boat ride and never told us why,” lamented Helen St. Croix, a passenger on the Carnival Cruise Ship The Aristocrat. “Honestly, it was just a bit of ground rumbling, tragic though the deaths of those Americans were.”

“The worst bit was at the evening luau. We barely had enough local staff to dig the pig out of the fire pit and there weren’t nearly enough waiters. I had to get my mojito myself. You don’t think this earthquake thingy dingy affected people other than Americans… do you?”

This sense of dread seems to be growing more common amongst both the moneyed elite partying on the beach and those watching this tragic jet ski situation unfold back home. While most are content to believe that those brave, selfless dead Americans are the only story here, others are beginning to search for different story angles.

“You know, I keep trying to lead these searches for injured or missing Americans amongst these curiously piled heaps of concrete that seem to be everywhere. But all of these mocha-colored chattering and screeching obstacles keep getting in my way. I wonder what the hell they are,” wondered a puzzled Jim Ridgels, field correspondent for CNN Headline News. “It’s the damnedest thing.”

Others have more solid ideas about what is going on.

“I have come to learn that those annoying, intrusive figures Ridgels refers to are the native inhabitants of this island,” observed MSNBC journalist Stig Danforth. “Apparently they were also near the areas where American lives were claimed and were themselves also affected.”

“It is most important to realize that these swarthy humanoids are very much like us and deserve our compassion. That is why I have taken it upon myself to interject myself into their poorly organized rescue efforts. Viewers seem to like that I am helping these poor creatures. They're like children! Some might say ‘Stig, aren’t you just hampering these relief efforts in an attempt to gain face-time for yourself and taking away from the real story here?’ And to that I say, no. The story here is the dead Americans. The secondary story here is me and other enterprising journalists creating an air of goodwill for ourselves and filling airtime by being shown helping these poor, disadvantaged mud people that have been unfortunately drawn into this event.”

“Understand?,” he angrily finished.

But whether or not these stories of people other than Americans being affected are true or just the wanton exaggerations of fame-seeking journalists, one thing is clear: this is an uniquely American tragedy.

The country, for now, is expected to pay attention until such a time as stories of dead Americans stop coming out of this shapeless, faceless landmass which we don’t know the location of or are even completely sure exists. That, or until the Super Bowl kicks off. Whichever comes first.

Compassion 101

I, for one, find it comforting that the world's most severe humanitarian crisis in recent memory hasn't gotten in the way of everyone's fun.

Sixty miles from Haiti's devastated earthquake zone, luxury liners dock at private beaches where passengers enjoy jetski rides, parasailing and rum cocktails delivered to their hammocks.

The 4,370-berth Independence of the Seas, owned by Royal Caribbean International, disembarked at the heavily guarded resort of Labadee on the north coast on Friday; a second cruise ship, the 3,100-passenger Navigator of the Seas is due to dock.

The Florida cruise company leases a picturesque wooded peninsula and its five pristine beaches from the government for passengers to "cut loose" with watersports, barbecues, and shopping for trinkets at a craft market before returning on board before dusk. Safety is guaranteed by armed guards at the gate.

To be honest, I'm a little worried about these passengers. While a twelve-foot fence and armed guards might have been enough to keep the mud people at bay when they were just the most impoverished residents of the western hemisphere, all bets are probably off now that the country's cardboard infrastructure has been reduced to a pile of smoldering rubble.

Whatever you do, brave vacationers, be sure to keep the jet ski running. You never know when you'll have to make a quick getaway.

Picture of the day

From Wired Science, using Google Earth to show some of the before and after devestation in Haiti. The Big Picture is also on the ground providing coverage here and here.

Again, places to give are here, news updates here.

Maybe now is not the time

With the humanitarian crisis in Haiti, now is the time to organize aid, donate to relief, and keep news flowing from and to the beleaguered country in an attempt to help. What it isn't the time for is using the crisis as a platform for grinding some ax, attacking efforts to help, acting like a complete asshole, or offering up your truly terrible ideas. We've discussed this at length with El Rushbo and Patty's comments over the past few days, hell the Daily Show even went after those two and added Rachael Maddow into the mix. Fine, fine, good, good.

Still, it seems that people aren't getting the message to either help or just clamp your mouth shut for a few weeks. No, some people even think it's a nice tool to help their candidate advance in the polls for a primary for a Senate race. Namely the communications director for California Republican Senate candidate Chuck DeVore, who has his solution to the crisis.

"Haiti: the best thing the int'l community can do is tend the wounded, bury the dead, and then LEAVE. That includes all UN and charity," wrote Josh Trevino.

Yes, wonderful plan. Dig a few mass graves, slap a few Dora the Explorer Band-Aids on a few gaping head wounds, take a few good pictures of an entirely flattened country with zero working infrastructure or government, and then dust your hands off and say "Well, it's about time we left now. Good luck rebuilding your shattered lives on your own with no money, food, police, leadership, or buildings. By the way: you're welcome." That sounds like the perfect solution, thanks for adding it to the debate we were having about whether we were going to help out or sit back, do nothing, and take bets on which person will emerge from the shattered nation as the de facto warlord of the rubble pile that is Haiti. It was a pitched debate, but I think your sensible argument pushed the consensus into "Fuck 'em" territory.

But it isn't just idiot political campaigns jumping into the fray. Sometimes scientists ought to learn to shut up as well.

Scientists who detected worrisome signs of growing stresses in the fault that unleashed this week's devastating earthquake in Haiti said they warned officials there two years ago that their country was ripe for a major earthquake.

Their sobering findings, presented during a geological conference in March 2008 and at meetings two months later, showed that the fault was capable of causing a 7.2-magnitude earthquake — slightly stronger than Tuesday's 7.0 quake that rocked the impoverished country.

Though Haitian officials listened intently to the research, the nearly two years between the presentation and the devastating quake was not enough time for Haiti to have done much to have prevented the massive destruction.

Yeah. Listen, I know you guys like to point out when you get things right, particularly when you have so much trouble getting people to believe other predictions about natural disasters, but could you not do this the same week that the earthquake happens? Especially when you all freely admit that there wasn't much Haiti could have done given it's resources and the timeframe? It's not like they were flicking the on/off switch on their earthquake machine carelessly and you told them to knock it off or the Haitian President was putting on a miner's hat, going underground, and using his super strength to push the tectonic plates together. Next time, maybe wait two weeks before you put up the "We told you so" banner and give speeches in front of it.

Seriously, next time anyone has a brilliant idea about Haiti, just pause and ask yourself "Is this going to help in any way?" It likely isn't, so just hold your shining nugget of blinding brilliance inside, the world will try to get on without it.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 01.14

Cancel Haiti's debt
Foreign Policy Magazine points out that due to various machinations, Haiti currently owes close to $2 billion in external debt. But, it also qualifies to have around $1.2 billion of that debt forgiven by the Inter-American Development Bank. I'm of the crazy idea that it'd probably be a good idea to forgive all of it. But then again, it's not like banks have been out to win any friends lately.

Mobile giving to help Haiti exceeds $5 million
The various text campaigns to raise money for Haiti (HAITI to 90999 and YELE to 501501) have raised over $5 million dollars for relief efforts, breaking previous records. But because we here are bitter, unpleasant men, this isn't so much about the incessant texting addiction of the American public finally being harnessed for something other than causing a car accident. No, it's about how Sprint is the only cell phone company that still sees fit to charge you a texting fee for donating money to the Red Cross. Yup, gotta make a buck somehow. So bully for them. They saw a humanitarian disaster and said "standard text messaging rates still apply." Slow golf clap for these good and decent people.

As Wallets Open For Haiti, Credit Card Companies Take A Big Cut
Speaking of grifting, thieving fucks here comes the credit card companies with their own way to skim money off the top of people's genuine concern for Haiti. Yup credit card companies are going to net a quarter of a billion a year off of credit card charges for charitable donations. Except for Capitol One, they seem the only ones wanting to be able to look at themselves in the mirror. American Express also announced that they would waive fees until the end of February because they realize it looks horrible. Priorities, people. Just because an entire company collapsed on itself doesn't mean quarterly earnings figures don't need to be met.

NHL investigating FSN Pittsburgh
As if the Philly/Pittsburgh hockey rivalry needed some extra juice, it turns out that FSN Pittsburgh may in fact withheld from goal review judges a critical angle showing the puck crossing the line during the last Penguins/Flyers matchup. And by "may" I mean "did", because they showed the angle right after it was ruled a no goal. It was hilarious. It's nice to see that even the production crew is getting into the rivalry and doing all they can to stick it to those cheap shotting, finger biting goons from Filthadelphia. Hopefully this is just another precursor to us sending them home early from the playoffs for the third straight year.

Chuck Norris Hunts for Obama's 'Secret Vault' as Interpol Conspiracy Theories Get Wilder
Have I mentioned hat Chuck Norris might be the craziest right winger in the country right now? I think it bears mentioning. Because he seems to be convinced that not only did President Obama five Interpol the ability to investigate, arrest, and detain American on American soil (they can't), but is certain that there is a secret vault in New York City where Interpol is secretly housing kidnapped Americans it secretly arrested in a secretive manner. And Chuck Fuckin' Norris is on the hunt to find that vault. I don't know what's sadder, that Chuck Norris believes this, he got it published on a website, or that a professional journalist had to wirte about it for an ostensibly important national news magazine. I wonder what Don "The Dragon" Wilson thinks about this whole Interpol business?

Haven't these people suffered enough?

As the US conceives of and coordinates its relief efforts to Haiti they have been quick to point out that there is absolutely no means in place to collect goods and transport them over. So instead what they're asking for is money. And much in the tradition of the Tsunami and hurricane Katrina, they've enlisted former US Presidents to lead the fundraising drive. Except there's one small difference...

Indeed, it is now being reported that Obama has asked the former Republican president to join with U.N. special envoy to Haiti Bill Clinton to raise funds for the nation:

Former US president George W. Bush will join former president Bill Clinton to help lead the US relief effort in response to the earthquake that devastated Haiti, an official close to Bush said Thursday.

Bush, President Barack Obama’s predecessor, “will join president Clinton in helping with disaster relief” after the catastrophe, the official, who spoke on condition of anonymity, told AFP.

Thankfully Haitians don't have TV right now, so they likely aren't going to be able to not the irony of a man who backed a military coup in their country, helping destabilizing it further while costing businesses there hundreds of millions of dollars and skyrocketing the prices of food, ask for money to help them out.

Hopefully no other safari conventions, rodeo clown conventions, or the Greater Dallas job fair offers him conflicting dates and money to speak. He might have to bail. Still, w'd like to commend the former President for taking time out of his schedule to help out with a humanitarian cause greater than himself. There's a first time for everything, I guess.

Natural disaster conspiracy

Of course the big story of today and the next few days is the continuing aftermath of the earthquake in Haiti. The country is so destroyed that it's making it extremely difficult to even get aid to the island let alone administer it and some projections have the death toll near 500,000. As such, there's not any type of humorous dick joke that can be made, so Sean and I aren't going to bother to try.

But, there is no shortage of right wing assholes who saw this tragedy and gleefully clapped their hands together and said "Ooooh, what a wonderful time to turn this into a political and religious dick slapping contest." Of course we already covered Pat Robertson waxing philosophic about the signed contract the devil has from the people of Haiti. But there's also Rush Limbaugh, who had concerns that the true story of this disaster was being missed.

"This will play right into Obama's hands. He's humanitarian, compassionate. They'll use this to burnish their, shall we say, "credibility" with the black community -- in the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It's made-to-order for them. That's why he couldn't wait to get out there, could not wait to get out there."

See! Dead people shmed people. Why aren't we talking about how Obama is going to use this to exploit and build his humanitarian street cred among blacks? Why aren't we talking about how eager the President seemed to be to get out there and talk about the crisis and organize a response to a massive humanitarian disaster? Why aren't people focusing on the important side of this story: that a black man might benefit politically if he handles the US response to the crisis well and ends up helping millions of displaced and injured Haitians? What an outrage!

He then spent time attacking Haiti as producing "zilch, zero, nada,", when it was one of only two Caribbean countries expected to see actual economic growth. He then seemed to think that we pay US income tax to Haiti and dusted off some of his most hilarious "Obama apologizes to other countries" material.

Yes, yes, we all know: Rush Limbaugh is an incredible prick and it's a shame that his heart attack didn't fell him. But I just wanted to point out what a special class of prick he was. It takes a certain kind of soul deadened cretin to see an entire country flattened and reports of half a million dead and crack ones knuckles and say to oneself "Time to mock these people, this country, and devote hours of coverage to my low grade racism and theories about how Mother Nature is conspiring to help out Barack Obama by destroying a whole country." We like to mock Glenn Beck around here, but when you see a master like Rush at work, it's only then when you realize who is the pro and who is the amateur.

Stay classy, Pat

With the disaster in Haiti that's going on right now, it was a mad dash to see who could be the most insensitive Christian fundamentalist right wing prick to be the first one out of the gate blaming some form of immorality for the destruction. Of course evangelical leg press world record holder Pat Robertson was able to get his chastising comments towards people dying in and earthquake out first, barely edging Rush Limbaugh at the line. He's a spry fuck for a rotten old bastard.

You see, it's that pact Haiti made with the devil. Not a pact they made because they allowed gays to exist or women to expose their ankles, no. A literal pact with a man in a red suit carrying a hayfork.

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," he said on Christian Broadcasting Network's "The 700 Club." "They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."

Robertson said that "ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other" and he contrasted Haiti with its neighbor, the Dominican Republic.

Classy as always. Good old Pat, always quick to blame people for their own suffering, like Jesus did.

If you'd like to actually do something to help and somehow don't feel like inventing stories about red devil bewitching the mud people quite does it, you can donate to Oxfam, Google has a page up for UNICEF and CARE, text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross and text "YELE" to 501501 to donate $5 to Yele Haiti's efforts, and Huffington Post has a larger link to all the non-profits running relief efforts and doing work on the ground.

Oh, we're also going to have to tolerate Wyclef Jean being back in the public eye for a while and I'm sure he'll have a charity single that we'll all have to pretend is good too. It's a burden, but we'll do it anyway.

Those choosing instead to just alter their Twitter of Facebook page will get their face mashed in by the first decent person that can be sent around to their place. Prayers for the death/humiliation/humiliating death of Pat Robertson can be offered to the heavens at any time.