Comic of the day

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

WBWJR

Following up a story from yesterday's Crutch, Stephen Colbert asks "What Boy Would Jesus Rent?"

Cheap Blogging Crutch - 5.5.10

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Things you need to know

• Whether or not Smithers picked Mr. Burns the most statistically dominant team of the era to play softball for the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant team. Perhaps he should have added Mordecai Three Finger Brown and scoured the Negro leagues a little harder, because that Steve Sax pick looks unforgivable even taking into account he was responsible for all the unsolved murders in New York.


• DJ Shadow has an internet radio station.


• Any street with the world Grape in it was probably a notorious road for prostitution and had it's name previously changed from the more advertising savvy and branding accurate Gropecunt Lane. Yes, the Middle Ages did entail a better class of street names.


• Birds are poisonous now. Possibly all birds, but definitely the Variable Pitohui, which secretes a poison similar to the Poison Dart Frog. And you thought the only danger from birds was them all going crazy and attacking Tippi Hedren. No, they can surreptitiously poison you now. DON'T TRUST BIRDS.


• The Director of Media Technology for the Penguins, Chris DeVivio, has a blog. As if I needed to tell you more than that, I will. It's called Backteching and goes into the process of the building of the new Consol Energy Arena and the kinds of technology and technological decisions that goes into building a modern sports complex.


• This is the kind of thing that would get your movie banned and you branded a purveyor of filth and lewdness in the 20's. Warning: there are female ankles... on full display.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.17

Democrats now comprise majority of ‘most corrupt in Congress’ list
Ahh, the perks of power. Not only does taking over government let you do things likes dick over citizens in your own specific way, but, as CREW shows, it opens up all kinds of new avenues for money grubbing. Of course the list is headlined by Rep John Murtha, a man who is essentially the entire Johnstown, PA economy. But our old friend Mitch McConnell is on there for awarding contracts to defense contractors convicted of bribing Saudi ambassadors. Sadly only 12 of the 15 are currently under investigation. Maybe next year, they can get all 15.

At Last! First Real Evidence for a Rocky Exoplanet
Well, if we ever finally finish destroying this planet, we can always have a hope of relocating to Corot-7b, the charmingly named first earth-like planet ever discovered outside our galaxy. Of course it's temperatures reach 3,600 degrees Fahrenheit, but that ought to be considerably cooler than we're used to after we really get the hang of this 'pumping C02 into the atmosphere' thing.

The Self-Storage Self
NYT Magazine takes a look at the US self-storage system (motto: "It's not just for storing hobo corpses and hooker cadavers anymore!") and how the fact that there's enough storage space in this country to give each America seven square feet of their own has contributed to our debt and consumption culture. Also our drifter and prostitute murdering culture.

New Jersey Poll: Birthers, Truthers, And The Anti-Christ -- Oh, My!
Sweet, sweet New Jersey. I'm sorry. We forgot that you were chock full of insane people. I'm sorry, it won't happen again. My favorite statistic? That while 18% of NJ conservatives definitively know Obama is the anti-Christ, 17% are only leaning that way and could be swayed by competing evidence disproving Barry is the son of a Kenya-by-way-of-Indonesia Beelzebub.

Director’s Commentary: Brett Ratner’s Music Video Classics
I know, I know. Who wants to read about Brett Ratner talking about music videos he directed. Trust me, it's worth it if only for the story about the Wu-Tang Clan during the filming of the Triumph video. It's a story of a million dollars, clothes looting, white devils, KFC treasures, and the hallucinations and murder demanding voices inside the head of Ghostface Killa. There's also a nice story about Redman calling Ratner's mom a hoe and then forcing the director to cast her as a woman buying drugs in a video.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.30

Pope: My 'Guardian Angel' Let Me Down
I know he's the Pope and thus prone to believe in this fanciful bullshit, but did he really just blame an angel for failing to keep him upright? And then suggested that God wanted him to fall and ordered an angel to let it happen? I wonder why it is I fail to take religion seriously.

The Baucus Bill's Bad Math
Nate Silver turn his super robot abacus brain onto leaked plans of the health care bill that Max Baucus is negotiating. It seems that it can't possibly do what he says it will and contains a terrible mish-mash of attributes for a health care bill to have. Man, I'm so glad everyone decided it was a great idea to let Max fuckin' Baucus lead the way on health care reform.

Blue Dog Compromise Removes Billions In Savings From Public Plan
Who would have thought? I can't believe that the Blue Dogs actually ended up contradicting their stated goals in order to hack a few bucks out of a health care bill and pretend like they were doing something. It's almost as if they have no idea what they're doing or talking about. Good thing House Democrats decided to cede power to them.

The New Antiquarians
"New vintage". Overly precious kitschy shit on the walls. The hipster TGI Friday's aesthetic. Is it time to consider killing Wes Anderson and hemming in this retro 19th century taxidermist Futura fonted Victorian pastiche trend before it spreads or gets any new ideas? I'm as eager to see the Fantastic Mr. Fox as the next guy, but he needs to be stopped.

Beer choice at Obama meeting touches off new debate
Now that the President is mediating the most important peace accord since Sadat and Begin met, we can finally talk about what's important: booze. Lager? Wheat ales? Budweiser? A magical blend from the Sam Adams founder which melds all the flavors of the world plus magic rainbows? This is important, the whole next week of Glen Beck Hannity, and Rush's shows hinge on whether Barack orders a foreign beer or one they can deem "only pussy liberals drink".

Stormy Daniels Arrested for Domestic Violence
Not only did the porn star challenging David "whores are a conservative christian value" Vitter have a campaign adviser get car bombed, but now she's under arrest for beating her husband. Louisiana needs to have a Senate election every year. We're only in the beginning stages of the primaries and it's threatening to be the most interesting race ever. We're a bestiality arrest and a cultist kidnapping away from having to dip the campaign in bronze to preserve it for future generations.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.27

O'S WATCHDOG SNIFFING OUT RICH PAY PACKAGES
Finally. I mean haven't we been all waiting for weeks for a powerless compensation czar to look at financial industry pay structure for those receiving bailout money, decree which ones are ridiculous (hint: all of them), and then hope that with enough whining and media attention (hint: there won't be any) that he'll be able to chisel a few bucks out of the greediest fuckers on earth? I have.

Palin Steps Down As Alaska Governor
America's dumb rural aunt pretends to fade off into the pretend sunset. Yes it was replete with bullshit accusations, attempts to pretend scrutiny of her was disrespect to the American soldier, a litany of bizarre grammar, stories, anecdotes, and analogies, and all spit-shined with the pretend polish that she isn't dumping Alaska to immediately going to go out whoring for money she thinks the governorship is preventing her from hoarding. She will never go away.

David Vitter's "Serious Sin": GOP Eyes Fate Senator In Louisiana
A GOP hooker-banger runs for re-election. Eliot Spitzer weeps a little inside. Unsurprisingly he has the support of the GOP establishment and the religious powers, who have been moved by his attempts to pretend it never happened, that he doesn't know what you're talking about, and thank the baby Jesus that chased all the poor blacks out of the state with that hurricane. On the bright side: a porn star is running against him, so: intentional and unintentional comedy abounds.

The Petition to Make Obama Apologize
The NRSC comes out with their petition to try to make President Obama apologize for correctly identifying that police may have acted stupidly for arresting Professor Henry Louis Gates in front of his house the other day. Because when the charges are immediately dropped that's how you know police are completely in the right.

An Incoherent Truth
The ECON7-KRUGBOT MK-3000 opines on health care and the incomprehensible demands of the eternally retarded Blue Dogs Caucus, the caucus most likely to fuck it all up, are making on the bill. It turns out when you group hypocrite morons together, they just get louder and dumber, in addition to more powerful.

Forget Aloof, Bernanke Goes Barnstorming
Ben "Bitches love my rate cuts" Bernanke hits the road to stump for the Fed, trying to convince everyone that the central bank is helpful and not mysterious or menacing in any way. And if you don't believe that he'll leverage billions against you and destroy you in ways he will neither reveal nor could you hope to ever understand.

Jupiter: Our Cosmic Protector?
You want to know why God's attempts to murder us with asteroids have turned out so feebly? Is God a bitch? Have we found and worshiped a better God that protects us from the old jealous one? No, it turn out that Jupiter, friend that he is, is just using its massive size and gravitational pull to take the brunt of the damage for the solar system. So give it up for the Big J. The dinosaurs didn't and you see what mighty Jupiter did to them. Worship our new celestial master.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.21

Celebrating Cronkite while ignoring what he did
Glenn Greenwald on how Walter Cronkite can't even be buried yet because his body is spinning so furiously they can't get it into a casket. Why? Due to all the journalists who seem to praise Cronkite but don't seem to have the slightest recognition of how far their profession has fallen and how little of what they do resembles the kind of work he and men like him did.

Cocksure
Malcolm Gladwell on the banking and financial crisis and how it relates to the psychology of overconfidence, notably how we tend to overrate our accuracy and intelligence as we get older. I know what you're saying "I can't believe the financial industry is rife with self-important, over confident, self absorbed assholes!" Believe it. Read all the way through to the story of the guy who wrecked Bear Stearns getting standing ovations from various parts of the company as he left.

Teen pregnancy and disease rates rose sharply during Bush years, agency finds
What's that you say? The marked increase in abstinence only education during the Bush years led to sharp increases in teen pregnancy and STD's over that period? My God, who could have foreseen that shunning knowledge for religious moralizing and mythmaking would have disastrous consequences? Other than all those previous studies and medical analysis that said so. Next you're going to tell me that the areas that saw the biggest increases were in the south where there was the greatest emphasis on abstinence and the STD eradicating powers of Jesus. Inconceivable.

Eliot Spitzer not my only governor - hooker who worked for Kristin Davis
Just what everyone loves: needlessly cryptic hookers. In between talking about how weird Eliot Spitzer was and how cheap Bernie Madoff was, comes a tale of yet another governor who decided that he'd like to resign in disgrace. But alas, she deigns to name names. Lord Baby Jesus, I don't ask for much, I'm just asking that it be Mark Sanford.

San Diego menaced by jumbo squid
In a stunning gambit to claim the seas before the robots get any ideas, giant fucking squid have been attacking swimmers and getting ink all over San Diego. Did I mention they're giant? Yeah, I did. Did I mention they fly, have fucking parrot beaks, eat meat, and have been attacking swimmers? Shit yourself yet? Don't worry, when their icy tentacles grab you and they sink their beak into you, possibly while you're swimming in the pool or on the toilet, then you'll know who rules the seas.

Taking bets

Mark Sanford Disappears; Even Wife Doesn't Know Where He Is

Where is South Carolina's governor?

The lieutenant governor doesn't know, and neither does a state senator who's a close confidante. Even his wife is in the dark.

Gov. Mark Sanford's unannounced absence from the state capitol perplexed some politicians Monday, and his staff wouldn't say where he was. His wife said she hadn't heard from him in several days _ including Father's Day.

Odds
2-1 : Secret gay tryst
15-1 : Arranging secret abortion for underage lover
3-1 : Weeping alone in a closet, nude
4-1 : "Carradined" himself, waiting for authorities to find body
27-1 : Actually writing something like his wife said he was
3-2 : "Me" time with mistress
1-2 : "Disappeared" by Rahm Emanuel for criticizing the stimulus
7-1 : Tap lessons with Larry Craig at Minneapolis/St. Paul airport bathroom
6-1 : At Betty Ford Center for "exhaustion"
5-3 : Has renounced society, has gone into SC mountains to build cabin and live off the land
7-2 : Hiding from his truly awful wife and children
8-1 : Secret CIA spy mission that only he can handle
9-2 : Digging extra deep hole for that whore he "accidentally" killed
4-1 : Wandering around an abandoned field in Manchester, TN stoned out of his mind

Sotomayor moves forward

It seems the Sotomayor confirmation process has regained some semblance of sanity. It would have been hard to get crazier, but still, things have been knocked back into almost sane levels of discourse. Well, by current standards anyway. Even Newt Gingrich is on board. He no longer thinks Sotomayor is a complete racist, he just think she's a "racialist", whatever that means. I guess that makes her a 7 on the racism scale, instead of her previous Tufnel-esque 11. Even Christian groups are getting on board, with the organization "Faith and Action in the Nation's Capitol" anointing the confirmation room with holy oils in an attempt to bless the room for a "truthful process for the American people." And if it perhaps leads to evil liberal spirits being forcefully exorcised from Democratic lawmakers and Sotomayor as they enter the room, that's just a bonus.

Even Sotomayor's recent ankle shattering has been met with some measure of restraint. Tom Tancredo has gone out of his way not to mention that white men are sturdier and have stronger ankles and said he even kind of regrets greasing the LaGuardia Airport terminal floor and paying an intern to trip her. Lawmakers are even going out of their way to be more accommodating.

Sen. David Vitter (R-LA) had “a bag of ice and a pillow on hand” when she arrived, and quipped, “I hope you all note that some Republicans are empathetic, too.” Sens. Jeanne Shaheen (D-NH) and Mary Landrieu (D-LA) both signed her cast, and Sen. Ben Nelson (D-NE) presented the Yankees fan with a “snapshot…of himself posing outside the old Yankee Stadium.”

Oh, that Vitter. As long as he isn't paying you $300 an hour to fuck him, he's a real charmer. But I can see why he was nice, he really needs to learn her judicial thoughts on prosecuting lawmakers who moralize about values and nail hookers on the side. And that rascal Ben Nelson. I'm sure there's nothing Judge Sotomayor will cherish more than a photo of you standing outside a stadium. You do know how to pick a gift.

See? Everything is all right. Just ignore the previous weeks. This is a semi-adult legal body conducting themselves in a semi-adult manner. No need to remember all that shame you felt. Blessings! Racialist! Ben Nelson photos! Meetings with Johns! America is back on track.

Billy Mays would never hit a woman

When last we saw Vince the Shamwow guy, he had just begun his ascent up Mt. Popeil on a bed of extra absorbent rags. Furthermore he was using his new found fame and money to do what any of us would do: wage ceaseless and unending war against Scientology because they backed out of funding our Kentucky Fried Movie/Naked Gun ripoff. Such a heartwarming story. Hey, I wonder what he's doing now?

Shlomi, 44, was arrested last month on a felony battery charge following a violent confrontation with a prostitute in his South Beach hotel room. According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1000 in cash after she "propositioned him for straight sex." Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly "bit his tongue and would not let go." Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue.
...
After freeing his tongue, a bleeding Shlomi ran to the Setai lobby, where security summoned cops. Harris refused to cooperate with officers, who recovered $930 from her purse. "Both parties had a strong odor of an alcoholic beverage emitting from their persons," police reported.

Turns out selling the Shamwow and SlapChop on late night TV doesn't get you knee deep in South Beach Latin ass. Meth fueled rage, anger at the fact you're the Shamwow guy and your expensive hooker is biting your tongue,  or Scientology set up? All we know is Billy Mays has no sympathy and knows how to keep his hooker beatings on the down low. 

It was a nice 15 minutes you had Vince, we'll miss you. In a few years you'll enter the urban myth lexicon. If you're lucky the story will get exaggerated to "had his face eaten off by cannibal prostitute" and passed on by impressionable fifth graders everywhere in between stories about the Life cereal kid's stomach exploding after mixing PopRocks/Coke and the Richard Gere gerbil thing. It's not a great life, but well that's what happens when you fuck with Tom Cruise's belief system.

Headline of the day

Scandal-plagued Republican says Burris should resign

Is it bad when a guy who rails hookers for a decade and refuses to give up his senate seat after he's caught thinks you need to resign? Is it bad when he's right? Is it bad when Dick Durbin agrees?

Don't worry Roland, you still were technically a senator. If you resign you still get to carve it on your monument to yourself.

Broken News: Thread Counts Plummet on News of Financial Meltdown

NEW YORK--Panic descended upon the Overpriced Fancy Shit industry today as the Wall Street economic downturn finally made its way to the brass-button register. Thread counts were down across the board, with the Upper East Side and West Village tallies dropping nearly 20%. Experts placed the losses mostly within the 1500 thread-count Egyptian Cotton market but warned that they could spread to the Grand Italian and Jacquard markets in Connecticut by week's end.

"I am shocked and, like, appalled," announced Banana Republic Sales Associate, Hans Fitzgerald, from his unusually quiet Men's section in the upscale outfitter's West 34th Street location. "This time of year, I should be moving Merino pin-dot argyle v-necks and Heritage snap-neck mock turtlenecks like they're going out of style." Fitzgerald paused to chuckle at his own joke before continuing, "And the Chinos? Christ on a rainbow sequined parade float, don't even get me started."

The mood was equally bleak at J. Crew, where Women's Yoga Accessories regional sales manager Felicia Witherspoon called August, "The worst month for seamless cross-back camis and double-stranded headbands since the Great Pilates Explosion in 2005."

Accessories also took a hit, as Gucci wrote-off nearly $4 million in the second quarter from its Ebony GG Fabric with White Leather Trim Baby Carrier division. While acknowledging the dip in sales, Gucci Marketing Director Angelica Evangelica attempted to put a positive spin on her company's strategy. "We are simply re-channeling our energies into the emerging belt bag, wristlet, and gold-plated leather dog harness markets, where the real growth lies."

Slumping sales are by no means confined to the high-end clothing industry. Among the hardest hit are those within the rap industry. Long based upon rhyming high-end merchandise with other higher-end merchandise, rap lyrics have taken a massive creative hit during this economic slump.

Multi-platinum rapper and energy drink mogul, Ar-Money Exchayynge, lamented, “I mean you gotta rap about what you know right?” And what I know right now is voicemails from collection agencies, shrimp flavored ramen, and a busted-ass Geo Metro. How am I supposed to keep up with this new crop of Arab rappers? They’re talking about buying soccer teams, vast oil fields, and diamond Maybach’s and here I am talkin’ to Stan Goldberg about refinancing my motherfucking mortgage. Nobody wants to hear that shit."

"What am I supposed to do, lie? Rap about shit I rent? If the current rap scene is about anything, it’s about lyrical and artistic integrity. If I can’t buy it, I can’t rap about it. That’s the code. If I rap about a Faberge egg I better have the son of a bitch sitting on the top of my toilet or Jay-Z will fuck me up. And if I try to go all political and shit, Chuck D and Mos Def will have my legs broken.”

Equally telling are the manufacturing cuts that have naturally followed the downturn in sales, dealing a fierce blow to the self-esteem of child laborers throughout the Third World.

“They used to be so proud they were making Louis Vuitton bags they couldn’t afford to buy with 1,000 years of pay,” observed Trong Dinh, sweatshop manager and three-time winner of Thailand’s Cruelest Taskmaster award.

Dinh, who became visibly distraught while discussing these trying times, continued, “Now we have them sewing together knockoffs. You can see their hearts aren’t into it. I beat them just like I used to, but they know that botoxed, old money whores and gaudy, nouveau-riche trollops aren’t going to be putting these on their AMEX black cards and cramming malnourished toy schnauzers into them. You can almost see, stitch by stitch, how disappointed these poor children are to know their work will be purchase by middle class scum with poorly dyed hair and accents holding paper money. Honestly, I don’t think I'd even show up if not for my deep, abiding love of beating eight-year-olds.”

These devastating effects have even moved into the drug market, once thought recession-proof, as former financial company junior executives are now no longer able to afford the vast amounts of cocaine that once fueled their nightlife. Verily, yayo is piling up in uncool brick piles in the shipping crates of beleaguered Haitians instead of cool Scarface-style pyramids on the desks of the Junior Vice Presidents for Overseas Development.

Without cash or drugs, these debased executives have been forced to rely on their personalities to attract sober women who have suddenly ballooned to unlovable size without their appetite suppressants. Neither group is faring well in this new world, kindred spirits on the outside of a lifestyle the financial crisis has left dashed upon the rocks.

There is hope that the recently unveiled $700 billion dollar bailout plan of Treasury Secretary Harry Paulson will flood the beleaguered socio-economic groups with the capital necessary to raise thread counts to early-2005 levels. However, Congressional approval of the plan was still pending at press time, as government officials had yet to decide which cheese plate they preferred for the afternoon session.