Pat on relationships

When I have relationship troubles I know the one man who's advice I would seek first is a mentally addled octogenarian with a penchant for making deeply offense statements in the wake of disasters purportedly while speaking for God. Yes, Pat Robertson.

I mean look at how long he's had a relationship with God. Since at least as long as Pat saw it would make him money and bestow him power. And he's been able to keep it together long after you would have thought God would have broken it off for all the crazy stuff Pat does and says on behalf of the Lord. Look at how long Robertson had a relationship with a dictator currently on trial for war crimes. Pat was able to overlook massive human rights abuses and murders to keep the relationship going and keep the flow of gold and money open.

The man knows relationships. So that's why you'd call up and ask him to help with yours.

CO-HOST: Pat, this is from Anne who says, “My husband has always been a flirt and loves to talk with other women he finds attractive. He says he would never cheat on me but his actions are starting to get to me. What should I do?”

ROBERTSON: Anne, first thing is you need to make yourself as attractive as possible and don’t hassle him about it.
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But you need to not drive him away or start hassling and hounding on him, but make yourself as beautiful as you can, as fun as you can, and say let’s go out here, let’s go there, let’s go to the other thing.

Shocker: He blamed the wife for the husband straying. I know what you're thinking "Isn't that deeply chauvinistic and sexist to assume the woman is at fault and obviously not sexing it up enough?" I say to you: only to someone who hasn't read the Bible. I present to you the parable of Jesus and the Dowdy Housewife.

Dowdy Housewife: Jeshua, I fear my husband eyes women who he is not married to.

Jeezy Creezy: Yea, this is because you need to whore it up a bit. As I said to the Thessalonians "Marriage is only a sacred contract as long as the wife stays hot and keeps the man interested sexually. Thine husband can do no wrong."

Ugly Woman who is lucky to be married: What should I do to keep his eyes from straying.

Diamond J: Have you considered a robe that's tighter on your ass? Maybe stick your tits out a bit more? And invest in the wonders of our lead based make-ups.

Woman who deserves to be cheated on: Oh thank you Lord, I will stick my tits out more and maybe I would nag him as much.

Jeebus: Yea, women are also interminable nags. Go forth and keep your opinions to yourself as well. Men don't like that either. I am the way and the light.

I think you can see Pat was giving her the right advice. It was either this woman's fault or... the gays? I'm sure the gays were to blame somehow. Can't spell patriarchy without "Pat". Keep it classy. Tell those bitches they're always in the wrong.

Stay classy, Pat

With the disaster in Haiti that's going on right now, it was a mad dash to see who could be the most insensitive Christian fundamentalist right wing prick to be the first one out of the gate blaming some form of immorality for the destruction. Of course evangelical leg press world record holder Pat Robertson was able to get his chastising comments towards people dying in and earthquake out first, barely edging Rush Limbaugh at the line. He's a spry fuck for a rotten old bastard.

You see, it's that pact Haiti made with the devil. Not a pact they made because they allowed gays to exist or women to expose their ankles, no. A literal pact with a man in a red suit carrying a hayfork.

"Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it," he said on Christian Broadcasting Network's "The 700 Club." "They were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you'll get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal."

Robertson said that "ever since, they have been cursed by one thing after the other" and he contrasted Haiti with its neighbor, the Dominican Republic.

Classy as always. Good old Pat, always quick to blame people for their own suffering, like Jesus did.

If you'd like to actually do something to help and somehow don't feel like inventing stories about red devil bewitching the mud people quite does it, you can donate to Oxfam, Google has a page up for UNICEF and CARE, text "HAITI" to 90999 to donate $10 to the Red Cross and text "YELE" to 501501 to donate $5 to Yele Haiti's efforts, and Huffington Post has a larger link to all the non-profits running relief efforts and doing work on the ground.

Oh, we're also going to have to tolerate Wyclef Jean being back in the public eye for a while and I'm sure he'll have a charity single that we'll all have to pretend is good too. It's a burden, but we'll do it anyway.

Those choosing instead to just alter their Twitter of Facebook page will get their face mashed in by the first decent person that can be sent around to their place. Prayers for the death/humiliation/humiliating death of Pat Robertson can be offered to the heavens at any time.

Stay classy, Pat

Man of God with thighs of steel, televangelist and canola oil hater Pat Robertson, on how God's true calling for him is to shamelessly exploit tragedy in the name of the baby Jesus, especially when Muslims are involved.

“Islam is...a violent political system bent on the overthrow of the governments of the world and world domination. ...So you are dealing with not a religion. You’re dealing with a political system. And I think we should treat it as such and treat its adherences as such as we would members of the Communist Party or members of some fascist group."

Pat, how Godly of you to take the Ft. Hood tragedy and use it to advocate for religious persecution. Shame you didn't think to follow through on that belief when Tim McVeigh blew up the Oklahoma City Federal Building, George Tiller was murdered, or Eric Rudolph was blowing up all those abortion clinics and the Olympics. Ah well, most people don't tend to advocate for their own Government organized subjugation.

I'm sure your decrying of Islam as a political system didn't come between various pleas to your audience to vote a certain way, support certain politicians, or oppose certain legislation. I wonder if this is also your message when you meet with GOP leaders and political action committees to discuss strategy, outreach, and political operations? Maybe you're just mad they're encroaching on your territory. I'm just confused. I thought all this terrorism stuff was happening because of God's hate of the gays the the ACLU, not because Islam is a fake religious political party run by Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Or is it both? Like I said, I'm confused. Luckily God has blessed us with Pat Robertson, so he can explain it all to us.

Stay classy, Pat

Christian Broadcasting Network televangelist Pat Robertson, on the chilling effect that the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Law will have on the baby Jesus

PAT ROBERTSON: The noose has tightened around the necks of Christians to keep them from speaking out on certain moral issues. And it all was embodied in something called the Hate crimes bill that President Obama said was a major victory for America. I’m not sure if America was the beneficiary.

Pat, unless the way these Christians are going to "speak out" on "moral issues" is by beating to death a gay man because he was gay in order to intimidate, scare, oppress, and threaten (in short, terrorism) the larger gay community, you aren't going to be affected. I haven't read the Bible in a while, but I'm pretty sure Jesus never said I had to be able to murder people I hated in order to practice His religion. I'm not entirely sure about that, it could be in the back somewhere.

Word to the wise though: tightening nooses around the necks of people (psst: black people) is what got laws like these passed in the first place. So try to choose your words more carefully next time you're outraged because you don't think you can fag-bash as hard as you used to. You can, just as long as there is no physical bashing involved. All your old bestiality, pedophile, threat to the family stuff is still good to use. Now go leg press 1 ton and relax.

Stay classy, Pat.

World leg press champion, gay puppet spotter, and wanna be Liberian gold dealer and Sierra Leone blood diamond merchant Pat Robertson decided to peep his head out from whatever rock he hid under when we elected the swarthy black Muslim Anti-Christ to office and opine on the swarm of gays that done homofied marriage and ate up all the crops.

Lee, we haven’t taken this to its ultimate conclusion. You got polygamy out there. How can we rule that polygamy is illegal when you say that homosexual marriage is legal. What is it about polygamy that’s different?
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And what about bestiality and ultimately what about child molestation and pedophilia? How can we criminalize these things and at the same time have constitutional amendments allowing same-sex marriage among homosexuals. You mark my words, this is just the beginning in a long downward slide in relation to all the things that we consider to be abhorrent.

Why didn't I see it, it all seems so obvious now.

Maine Governor Baldacci: *kicking his feet up on desk* This feels really good. I never thought crippling the institution of marriage would make me feel this good.
Vermont House Speaker Shap Smith: You should have been there when we forced gay marriage past our Governor's veto. I swear, I literally had one of those four hour erections they talk about in Viagra commercials. I had to seek medical attention.
Baldacci: But what do we do for an encore?
Smith: What, you don't know? Obama's memo spelled it all out: We legalize polygamy, bestiality, and child rape.
Baldacci: *slapping forehead* Of course, it all makes so much sense. It's a slippery slope.
Smith: God, I hope after we pass the Obama/Hitler Legalize Child Rape, Polygamy, and Bestiality Act of 2009 that I'll actually get to see a vision of God looking down and weeping at what we've done.
Baldacci: That would be great.......if God even existed!!!!
*both laugh maniacally*
*the phone rings*
Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel: Hey assholes, stop gladhanding each other and pass the Obama/Hitler Act. I want to see if it shocks Pat Robertson to death. Besides I have four 5th graders and two dogs I want to mass marry and rape. The clock is ticking.
Baldacci: Yes master.
Smith: Yes master.

Now we know what is on the horizon. Thanks for the warning Pat.