Broken In Brief: America joins Heifer International catalog

LITTLE ROCK—Today it was announced that the United States had been added to the list of countries available for aid through the organization Heifer International, which for 56 years has endeavored to provide livestock to destitute citizens of countries with dilapidated economies and crippled infrastructure.

The move, though not all that surprising in retrospect, did take some by surprise, as Heifer Intl. has, since its inception, shipped animals mainly to South American, African and Asian nations.

“For decades now, we’ve been alleviating white guilt by shipping llamas and pigs to all corners of the globe,” said Roger Eberhardt, the program’s American director. “Frankly, this decision was made outside of my purview.”

In expressing his dismay, Eberhardt noted that the group’s longstanding tradition of promoting sustainable farming had already led to death threats from agribusiness conglomerates who felt threatened by the possibility that two or three non-corn producing farms might be encouraged to exist.

In an official statement, the agency’s executive director Salma Juarez claimed she understands that this move will come as a shock, but encouraged people to look at the positive side.

“Just think of all the good a cow could do in Detroit, or a dozen chickens in Cleveland,” urged Juarez. “Who are we to exclude Americans from receiving the same type of aid that other third-world nations have enjoyed for years?”

“Sadly this will mean the end of all the ‘heifer’/fat American jokes that we make around here,” she observed, citing one of the main negatives of expanding relief operations into the US. “But I think that just shows our commitment to the third world inhabitants of this tragically failed state.”