FLAGSTAFF—Not long after Phish’s three-day Festival 8 in Indio, California, reports are emerging that in addition to epic, improvisational music jams, the event was also host to one of the greatest scientific discoveries in human history.
“Dude, I’m not sure if it’s the drugs I was taking or what. But I’m pretty sure I figured out how to time travel and teleport,” announced a haggard and disheveled Dave Burman, a freelance parking lot grilled cheese salesman from Denver, to the assembled press shortly after waking up in a cactus patch just outside of Flagstaff, Arizona.
“All I know is that, last I knew I was at the show, noodling and bumping into people while I danced, then WHAM, blackness! When I woke up I was draped across a saguaro, it was two weeks later, and I had teleported close to 400 miles. Ladies and gentlemen, I think this is the scientific breakthrough we have been waiting for.”
The announcement that solid matter teleportation and time travel had been achieved sent shock-waves throughout the scientific community, but Burman was cautious to note that he’s not sure if he can repeat the process that enabled these breakthroughs.
“Sure I’ll be able to consume the massive quantities of peyote, hash brownies, blotter acid, and ether that prepared my body to shunt through what I’m assuming was a Einstein-Rosen bridge or perhaps a wormhole,” Burman observed.
“But, scientifically, I feel the festival setting was critical. Plus with Phish’s noted improvisational tendencies, how can one ever hope to have them repeat the exact guitar solo 10 minutes into The Divided Sky that provided the correct audio matrix to allow my mind to interface with cosmic forces and shoot myself two weeks into the future?”
While scientists are applauding Burman’s breakthrough, they know that this last phase of creating a testable, repeatable process is one that has perplexed and confused many of the PhD’s and weekend scientists who have ventured into the teleportation and time travel fields.
I’m reminded of the case of Mike Yawkey, a third-year communications major at Boston University,” warned Dr. Paul Vesey of the National Academy of Science.
“Five years ago he was telling us he had perfected short distance teleporting from his neighborhood bar back to his apartment. But he was unable to find a way to counteract the negative side effects of the process, which either involved unexplained damage to his car and Mr. Yawkey waking up pantsless in the urine-soaked foyer of his home. Eventually, he had to stop trying.”
Dr. Vesey sighed, “Hell, we even sent some scientists to replicate his process of drinking the cheapest vodkas available while hitting on coeds from around the area, but our experts weren’t able to travel any further than the alley next to the bar. The urine problems also presented themselves in this case. A repeatable, testable hypothesis is key here and we don't seem to have uncovered one.”
Those who have studied the matter also note that despite Burman’s initial success, meddling with time travel can have devastating consequences.
“We all remember what happened to Enrico Fermi,” intoned Dr. Ronald Mallett, time travel expert and University of Connecticut professor.
“Buoyed by an experiment where he claimed to have not only blacked out and time traveled two days in the future, but also resulted in the teleportation into the bed of a woman he swore was a ‘9-9.5 at least’, he devoted himself to studying time travel. In recreating the experiment he soon was caught in a time loop where every day he was forced to repeat the experiment, downing shot after shot of whisky like they were nothing. Eventually the strain of this time loop took its toll when his liver failed, probably as a result of the dimensional shifting.”
Then Mallet leaned in and whispered, “Some say he might have even changed his own timeline. For some reason people seem to think he was an alcoholic, whereas they used to think of him as a respected scientist. Man, time travel can be a dangerous thing. I’m just glad to hear the kid is staying away from alcohol-based time travel and teleportation, a scientific road that has claimed too many of us....”
But despite these warnings, Burman has said he’ll soldier on to further unlock the mysteries of the universe, provided the upcoming winter tour schedule gives him enough time.
“I vow to endeavor to unlock these mysteries, so that everyone can use these gifts I have discovered. It is my duty, as a scientist” he finished, before stumbling out of the cactus patch in search of breakfast or a cheap taco stand.
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