Broken In Brief: Lou Dobbs sent to live on farm

ATLANTA--In the wake of Lou Dobbs' sudden departure from CNN, the network has struggled to spin the scenario in a positive light. Dobbs, who had been with the network since its inception in 1980, announced last night that he would be leaving his post as host and managing editor of Lou Dobbs Tonight, effective immediately.

While many media pundits suspect that Dobbs will walk out of CNN and directly into Fox News, Pravda, or simply shout racial epithets towards Mexico from across any number of bridges spanning the Rio Grande, a blood and mud-flecked network president Jonathan Klein read a brief statement earlier today attempting to clear the air.

"We would just like to put to rest any rumors of 'talent poaching', ideological infighting, or 'extreme horror at what this man had turned our network into' that have been circulating since Lou's announcement," Klein said, leaning against a rusty shovel caked in what appeared to be mud and brain matter. "We assure you neither of these are the case and that Mr. Dobbs has been sent to live with a kindly old couple in a farm upstate. We believe it is the same place where MSNBC sent Phil Donohue."

Contacted for clarification on this claim, Klein added, with a single tear sliding down his puffy cheek, "We're certain Lou will be much happier there, running frisky and free with other blowhards, discussing birth certificate conspiracies, and... and just enjoying all that fresh air. It's a family farm, no migrant or immigrant workers, which we all know is important to him. No, you cannot go and visit, as the farm is very far away. Just *sniff*, just let him rest in peace.....on the farm."

With that Klein wearily sat down, and sobbed a bit, offering up an odd remark on how he didn't know that running CNN would entail so much violence. He then proceeded to have his assistant inquire about seeking reimbursement for expenses relating to a bag of quicklime he had to purchase and the use of a personal tarp that had "been rendered unusable."

As of press time, Klein swore that Dobbs was probably sitting down to enjoy a nice supper with the kindly elderly couple. "On the farm."