Broken News: Nations youth celebrates Veterans Day as best it knows how

XBOX LIVE—Today the youth of the United States of America gathered to honor those who had served, fought, and risked their lives for their country in the only way this generation knows how: by assembling online to play war videogame Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.

“This is for everyone who ever served this great land. DIE YOU FUCKIN’ FAGS, I’M THE FRAG KING” 16 year old XBOX Live user KiNG 3lr0nd yelled into his headset whilst he stormed an enemy encampment during a particularly intense multiplayer round.

“No…YOU’RE THE FAG, YOU FUCKIN’ DOUCHENOZZLE,” game opponent and user aFLockOfCock yelled back, in somber honor of the veterans that this day was created to honor. “OOH HEADSHOT, YOU FUCKIN’ BITCH. I FUCKING GANKED YOUR CHEAP RESPAWN CAMPING ASS!! Look, I’m humping your worthless corpse. Look!”

Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, a first person shooter war simulation game that focuses on more current types of urban and counter-terrorist military actions, was released earlier in the week to much fanfare. It is the sixth in the series and expected to be its highest selling, not only due to the high level of realism, but for the very fact that it is returning to more current and relevant types of conflicts, abandoning the World War II theme that had comprised four of the previous games.

“Yeah I was getting tired of killing Nazi’s, I think everyone was,” observed user AzzP1sst0n, himself a veteran of the previous 5 games. “It’s pretty sweet. I’m really glad that Activision decided to make this release into a national event and honor those of us who have stuck with this series since the beginning with our own themed day. I was going to call in to my job to tell them I was taking this Call of Duty Veterans Day off, but no one was in the office. I guess they’re all big fans of the game too.”

He paused before adding, “Ooh, this next mission takes place in Kazakhstan. That shit was totally in Borat. Hilarious.”

While not much of the online chatter about the game has focused on the incongruity of releasing a violent war videogame the day before Veterans Day, or even the fact that there is a Veterans Day happening this week, youth education and marketing analysts are quick to point out that this doesn’t mean that there is some kind of staggering disconnect between military video games and the real world military actions these games seek to emulate.

“Nah, kids don’t like to broadcast anything as being cool because that makes it uncool, that’s why it only makes them seem unaware that its Veterans Day,” observed Dr. Ralph Parker, XBOX Live handle Dr. D3aTh, who studies youth culture and has also unlocked several hidden achievements and guns in Call of Duty’s online play.

“No, I clearly hear a lot of chatter online about getting ‘betrayed’ in multi-player games, which is clearly a reference to German feelings after the Armistice of World War I, which is what this holiday was originally created to celebrate. Their obsessive playing of this game is just this generation’s way of honoring those who fought for America: by playing bloodless recreations of battles many of these soldiers were involved in, girding themselves in military terminology to make their multiplayer campaigns seem more realistic, and calling each other fags and gloating over particularly awesome headshots.”

“Ooh!” Parker added. “Did you see that? That dumb fucker tried to throw a grenade up a hill!”

Still, there were some gamers willing to come right out and thank veterans.

“Huh? There’s two soldier remembrance days? I thought we already had one…Memory Day or something. That was cool, we had a bad ass cookout,” said a grateful Sn1persSuckZ0rZ, another long time Call of Duty veteran who has risen to command his own multi-player squad.

“What? No I wasn’t talking to you,” he added, talking into his headset. “Yeah, some bullshit about real wars or something…..Yeah…No I’ll totally tell them how much you suck at this shit and how badass I am…No, look…No, go stand your faggy ass on top of that building and rain hell down on the other team…Because I told you so, bitch….I don’t care…we need unit cohesion, brah, ….fine, quit, see if I care…..no, I run this guild, dickhole….fine, fuck off then. Fag!”

As of press time the nation’s veterans weren’t willing to respond to any questions for this story, choosing instead to sigh deeply, shake their heads, and wonder what it is they fought for.