Monday, November 30, 2009

Broken In Brief: Disoriented John McCain crashes state dinner

WASHINGTON—With most of the media focusing on the security breach of Michaele and Tareq Salahi, the couple who infiltrated the State Dinner for the Indian Prime Minister last Tuesday, there has been little attention paid to another mini-scandal erupting from the event. According to sources, an inebriated and confused Senator John McCain also crashed the event. But instead of attempting to get photos with various leaders and celebrities in attendance, the senior Senator from Arizona opted to attempt to host the event as if he were the President.

“Yeah, all was going well, massive security breaches aside, and then the Senator comically barged through the main ballroom doors, fell over, and then made his way over to the receiving line,” observed Juande Ramirez, a member of the wait staff.

“He stumbled past Larry Summers, elbowed the First Lady into a fichus, began shaking the hands of anyone who attempted to make him leave, and made some remark to the Indian Prime Minister about setting aside some time to really sit down and talk shop about how they would bravely lead their great nations into the 19th century.”

According to bemused onlookers, McCain then told President Obama, whom he was leaning against in a bid to stay upright, that it was good that "[the President] wasn’t all bent out of shape over losing the election.” McCain then stumbled onto the dance floor, performed some rudimentary cha-cha, started clinking a fork against a wine glass in an apparent attempt to get some imagined couple to kiss, before retching on a commemorative cake shaped like Ravi Shankar and passing out on top of a dessert cart.

As staffers dragged the comatose war hero out of the event by his feet, they apologized for their bosses’ indiscretions, noting that the last year “has been a hard one for him.”

While there are no immediate plans for “President” McCain, besides a long-in-the-making intervention, his staffers have noted that his personal itinerary mentions a “health policy address” referring to an incident where the soused GOP standard-bearer bitched about his goiter to his daughters’ porcelain doll collection. An indication that this problem may have a deeper root than a secret stash of navy rum.

Whatever the problem, staffers hope to have gotten the Senator the help he needs by the end of the week.

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