NEW YORK—Today spokesmen for Sports came together to announce that after a preliminary analysis of game broadcasts, it’s pretty sure they can cram in more ads for the wide variety of pills prescribed for erectile dysfunction.
“I know it doesn’t seem like we could get one more Cialis ad in there, but rest assured: we can,” announced a triumphant Sam Bay, press liaison for Sports. “Right now the plan is to either split screens and show two ads at once or possibly combine ads, maybe selling beer or trucks that make your cock rock-hard.”
While Sports had yet to fully conceive of a final plan, they hoped to have some preliminary breakthroughs shown to the American public during the World Series and NASCAR Cup Chase and perfected in time for the NFL playoffs.
In all they hoped that this breakthrough would finally help the sporting industry achieve its goal of turning national pastimes and treasured sporting events into awkward, hushed experiences shared between fathers and sons as conversations about zone coverage and the infield fly rule fade into uncomfortable, sideways glance-filled silences as 50 year old men appear on the TV to deliver long soliloquies about their penises not working properly and the dangers of 4 hour erections.
“Fine, whatever, I’ll take what I can get,” observed long time sports fan Dave McMurphy, who himself had to sit through an excruciating block of boner pill ads in the presence of his father and mother while watching game four of the World Series last night. “Just as long as I don’t have to hear those ‘This is ouuuuur couuuuuuuntry’ ads again. They almost drove me to kill a man during the AFC Championship last year. I'll take weird sexual tension with the people who sired me over 25-to-life any day of the week.”
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