Picture of the day

Via Joe My God comes this look at the Joint Chiefs during the State of the Union.

When Obama mentions fucking with Iran over nukes:
When Obama mentions that the gays should be allowed to gay up our armed forces (with their gayness):
Hmmmm.

'Tis the season

Don't worry Christians, CBS didn't forget about you.

Broken In Brief: Sports pretty sure it can cram juuuust a few more boner pill ads into game broadcasts

NEW YORK—Today spokesmen for Sports came together to announce that after a preliminary analysis of game broadcasts, it’s pretty sure they can cram in more ads for the wide variety of pills prescribed for erectile dysfunction.

“I know it doesn’t seem like we could get one more Cialis ad in there, but rest assured: we can,” announced a triumphant Sam Bay, press liaison for Sports. “Right now the plan is to either split screens and show two ads at once or possibly combine ads, maybe selling beer or trucks that make your cock rock-hard.”

While Sports had yet to fully conceive of a final plan, they hoped to have some preliminary breakthroughs shown to the American public during the World Series and NASCAR Cup Chase and perfected in time for the NFL playoffs.

In all they hoped that this breakthrough would finally help the sporting industry achieve its goal of turning national pastimes and treasured sporting events into awkward, hushed experiences shared between fathers and sons as conversations about zone coverage and the infield fly rule fade into uncomfortable, sideways glance-filled silences as 50 year old men appear on the TV to deliver long soliloquies about their penises not working properly and the dangers of 4 hour erections.

“Fine, whatever, I’ll take what I can get,” observed long time sports fan Dave McMurphy, who himself had to sit through an excruciating block of boner pill ads in the presence of his father and mother while watching game four of the World Series last night. “Just as long as I don’t have to hear those ‘This is ouuuuur couuuuuuuntry’ ads again. They almost drove me to kill a man during the AFC Championship last year. I'll take weird sexual tension with the people who sired me over 25-to-life any day of the week.”

Hip-hop GOP in full swing

The following transcription is in no way a parody or fabrication of any kind. It's has been unchanged and unedited and is not one of our funny 'make-em-ups" or satire related activities. The names have not been changed and this is all horribly real.

"Tonight, we tell America: we know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad," said Steele. "But we go forward in appreciation of the values that brought us to this point.
...
"Michele Bachmann praised Steele's speech: "Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man."

Steele on Bobby Jindal

SLIWA: Now, using a little bit of that street terminology, are you giving him any Slum love, Michael?

STEELE: (laughter)

SLIWA: Because he is — when guys look at him and young women look at him — they say oh, that's the slumdog millionaire, governor. So, give me some slum love.

STEELE: I love it. (inaudible) ... some slum love out to my buddy. Gov. Bobby Jindal is doing a friggin' awesome job in his state. He's really turned around on some core principles — like hey, government ought not be corrupt. The good stuff ... the easy stuff.

The GOP....ain't nothin' but a gangsta party. They're speaking to the youths of America, Democrats! Be afraid!

A nice, hot cup of awkward

Think we could get a case of this into Governor Blagojevich's cell?



Also, I wish I had viable stats on how frequently journalists and bloggers have had to spellcheck "Blagojevich" over the last few days. Seriously, ponder the lost hours of productivity. In tough economic times like these, we simply cannot afford to squander resources for the sake of accuracy when it comes to goofy last names.

My proposal? Pay-Rod. Short, simple, direct, and nobody has to look up the proper spelling.

While this floats, can someone get Nate Silver on those stats I requested?

Snub!

Our boy went to the G20 summit and it turns out he's not as popular as he used to be. It seems all those nasty foreigners snubbed George, or he snubbed them because he didn't have enough disinfectant handy. Maybe he said high to all of them backstage, gave them their vaguely racist nickname ("Jappy and Aussie, nice to see you again!"), and thus didn't need to do it all again. Or maybe they were all disappointed they didn't get to meet Obama. Maybe they all just snubbed him because he didn't even know the G20 existed.

Our President everyone. January 20th can't get here fast enough.

Hagel is off the Christmas card list

Sen. Hagel doubts Palin's ready

"She doesn't have any foreign policy credentials," Hagel said Wednesday in an interview. "You get a passport for the first time in your life last year? I mean, I don't know what you can say. You can't say anything."
...
"I think they ought to be just honest about it and stop the nonsense about, 'I look out my window and I see Russia and so therefore I know something about Russia,'" he said. "That kind of thing is insulting to the American people."
...
So is Palin qualified to be president?

"I think it's a stretch to, in any way, to say that she's got the experience to be president of the United States," Hagel said.

This is gonna make things awkwaaaaaaaard between Hagel and McCain at the next GOP Congressional Pancake Breakfast and Waffle Symposium. Increased even moreso because Hagel was going to be Duke of Syrups and McCain the Baron of Butters. They'll meet over John Thune's Waffles with the Canadian Maple and apple butter and it'll just be soooo tense.

But at least Hagel's man enough to admit it. It's just sad to see these campaign flacks go out and definitively state that Palin has the necessary experience because Russia is kinda close to Alaska. If only Tina Fey's SNL sketch declaration of "I can see Russia from my house" were an actual attempt at parody.

The same goes for the declarations by McCain that Palin is the most qualified person on energy in the country. An expert on energy wouldn't bungle the percentage of energy the state she runs produces. It's 2.4% Sarah, not 20%. Making sure the pipeline still works and the check from the oil company cleared doesn't exactly put you up against, you know, energy scientists, engineers, and policy experts.

Listen to Chuck, half your lies wouldn't be lies if you didn't feel the need to inflate the resume of the person old man river put on the ticket. You could stick to your main issues: lying about the policy stuff you and the Muslim guy plan. In any event it's less lies to remember.

The look of awkwardness

Ahhhh, John. I your defense I bet you really, really don't like this kind of shit. But then why do it? Everyone looks normal and happy. Smiling like its the cast photo for some new teen/family drama on the CW. You on the other hand look alternately like you either just got caught diddling the blue ribbon goat from the county fair, or that you have some sort of super huge rod up your ass that's slowly causing you to die of embarrassment and shame.

Best to let the photogenic family take all these assignments from now on.

McCain is not awkward

At dawn the applesauce strikes!

That may not have gone as well as he could have hoped, but McCain has vowed to not leave that aisle for 100 years, to show Mott's that they will never defeat America.