Rapture dog

You know there's a question I hear all the time: "Matt, I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in God or have any stake in organized religion. But what if I'm wrong and God exists and all his true believers are raptured up into heaven? How can I make money off of that and get a free dog?" If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I could buy an island. Well, good news everyone, there's finally an answer: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA.

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
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For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

First off how could a just God exist if He didn't rapture up man's best friend? Also: allow the world's pain, suffering, et cetera, et cetera. I do know what you're thinking, though, and they're two steps ahead of you.

Q: Is this a Joke?
A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

But how long post-rapture will it take for Tuffy to get picked up by his new atheist master?

A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance. Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service. Pets' lives are at stake. We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

That's good, during the whole wailing and gnashing of teeth period, but before the riding of the four horsemen.

So if you don't believe in God, need some cash, live in Maine New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, or Georgia, and want a free dog, cat, bird, rabbit, and small caged mammal to help you through any God based apocalypse, contact Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.