Broken News: Atheists propose new health plan for America

WASHINGTON—With the health care debate finally moving to the full Senate after yesterday’s 14-9 vote by the Senate Finance Committee, a concrete plan for health care reform seems to be on track. However, in an attempt to convince Congress to change its course, atheist organizations offered up a new plan that they say would cut costs, open up health care access to those who needed it, eliminate delays in treatment, and move the United States towards a more advanced society.

“It is not too late for Congress to act. It is not too late for Congress to choose a better solution. We think we’ve found it and we hope they’ll listen,” announced atheist Ken Hammond, the communications manager for the National Organization for the Gainsaying Of Deities.

“It’s simple: no health care or medical attention for anyone who belongs to a church or religious movement opposing reform. Now some might say that this just creates a larger system of uninsured than the one we currently have, but we maintain that our policy would give these people the best kind of care available: the care of the Lord. Christian Scientists are right, my friends. Follow their example. And the Lord’s. Please, just stop standing in the way.”

This press conference also served to mark the release of a policy paper written by the organization entitled Health Care in America: Let’s Crassly Wedge Religion into This Fucker, Too. The paper, which some are calling a landmark for the atheist movement, represents a rejection of atheist scholars' most common debate tactic, reasoned discourse, and replacing it with a new plan wherein they would debate religious and political policy intersections within a purely religious framework.

The thesis of the paper and this new health care push is the theory that all maladies are the brutal judgments of a vengeful Lord towards his disciples and that those disciples should accept God’s punishment. Furthermore, they should have to rely on God to cure the injuries and sicknesses Himself as part of a complete adherence to their faith, nothing that there are no Biblical references about preventative prostate screening, MRI's, or a host of other medical procedures, only prayer.

While health care experts agree that effectively shutting out tens of millions of Americans from any health care that doesn’t involve prayer will dramatically cut costs and applaud the atheist community’s attempts to further degrade the health care debate to its lowest possible level in an attempt to make a cheap point, they did note one flaw in NOGOD’s attempts.

“I can’t believe the atheists fell for it. Again!” observed heath care policy analyst Paul Fairfax. “Haven’t they learned by now not to argue using any form of discernible logic? Even this ‘clever’ plan to point out how religious groups opposition to health reform belies an internal hypocrisy with their religion’s tenets of social justice, let alone their hypocrisy in embracing science only when it suits them, is coached in the stink of logic. That they can’t realize it is the curse of the atheist movement.”

As if on cue, religious groups were quick to decry the proposed plan.

“First off, Ezekiel 1: 15-19 clearly references some sort of rudimentary explanation of magnetic movement, so that was clearly God speaking out in favor of MRI’s,” explained Tony Perkins, spokesman for Focus on the Family.

“Second, I’m not sure this NOGOD group understands how the religious/political debate works in this country. Those who believe get to try to impose their faith-based policy ideas on those who don’t believe. In no way are non-religious types allowed to twist that logic back on itself in an attempt to use the Bible to get what they want. Besides, our research into Biblical texts reveals the God backs private insurance and opposes current efforts to reform the system. “

He finally added, “Also, that acronym is pushing it. They can’t just arbitrarily discount the ‘F’ and the ‘T’!”

When asked to comment on the debate, the Holy Host of Heaven was willing to concede the point made by NOGOD. Yaweh acknowledged that all disease and injury that befall the religious community was a judgment on anything from the individual's value as a human being to whether or not He liked the shirt they were wearing, depending on His mood. He also admitted that the only true way to rid oneself of these ailments was to pray for salvation or hope God noticed that new, nicer shirts had been purchased.

“Sure, they may be right, but they’re being dicks about it, as usual, so we’re not going to support them,” announced a shimmering cloud of pure joyous light, whilst a heavenly chorus sang in praise of He who sits most high. “We’re just going to sit back and let the United States chart out its own inadequate response to the problem. The Big Guy is just a little miffed that His attempt to influence the opinions of various political and religious leaders towards reason and logic early this year wasn’t met with success. Christ, those fuckers are intractable.”

“Besides,” the ball of light added, turning all the colors of the visible spectrum, bathing all who were near in the warm embrace of the Almighty. “I think it’s clear from the religious texts and various speeches the Lord’s given that he’s for single payer.”