Broken News: Nation turns its attention to Afghanistan, health care, and climate change as all three become perilously trapped in balloon

WASHINGTON—“Oh my God Boss, I can’t find them anywhere and our giant balloon is missing! I think they might have… gotten into the balloon... and set it loose!” a panic-stricken and emotional Vice-President Joe Biden was heard to exclaim this morning, touching off the current crisis that has gripped the nation.

As of 9:15 EST, it seems that our nation’s political debates on Afghanistan, Health Care, and Climate Change became trapped in a homemade weather balloon that is currently circling 6,000 feet above the greater Washington metro area.

The balloon, which the President and Vice-President had constructed as part of a "trust exercise," had been, until this morning, tethered in the South Lawn. The design consisted of a large, helium-filled, silver metallic exoshell attached to a basket meant to carry scientific weather measuring instruments as well as letters White House staffers had written to God. Unfortunately, the space that would have housed these instruments and letters was large enough to fit three of the largest issues facing the nation today.

In an ironic turn, this dramatic series of events has forced the American news media to actually devote airtime to useful analysis, information, and constant substantive coverage to the three issues for the first time in years.

“It’s just that there are so many different, interesting angles,” observed Dirk Benson, an afternoon segment producer for CNN. “Why did Afghanistan get in the balloon? Was it because of recent election controversies? Is about the escalation of hostilities and the American troop build-up? Does it just like balloons? Then there’s the matter of Health Care. Is it in the balloon because it believes the push to pass it is over? Or is this a protest over the seeming lack of will on the part of a Democratic Congress to do anything even remotely useful? Is Climate Change just there for meteorological expertise?"

Benson then added, “Then there’s the whole life-and-death aspect; will they survive? It’s just so much more interesting to cover that today than it was to cover how these issues affected life-and-death situations for Americans yesterday. Funny how that works out, right?”

For those who are well-versed on these issues and have spent time mulling over their potential repercussions, this newfound media interest is part of the problem.

“This is what they were always going on about. ‘No one takes us seriously’, ‘No one ever tries to talk about us in any real depth’, and ‘It’s always politics, politics, politics, and fake controversies’ they’d always bitch about,” observed foreign and domestic policy expert Bert Hoffman, a close personal friend of the three issues.

“I just thought they had finally gotten sick of all the political and media inanity and absurdity. Health Care was about as depressed as I can recall, given the whole 'Death Panel' thing. Afghanistan was going on and on about how no one had learned anything from Iraq, and Climate Change… well, after basically eating shit sandwiches for the last thirty years, Climate Change just wanted to be mentioned.”

“This wasn’t no accident,” Hoffman said. “They did this on purpose, for the attention.”

Indeed, it seems their gambit, if that was their purpose, is paying off. With the media attention and the threat of the situation stripping rhetoric and partisanship from the issues, early reports have the American public at-large increasingly becoming aware of the resurgent Taliban, cost control measures lacking teeth within any health reform bill not containing a public option, and an emerging realization of the near-unified scientific consensus of global warming with a staggering reduction in “Al Gore is fat” jokes or “It’s cold today, how can the planet be warming?” references being made.

In fact, this early revelation has caused many policies and issues to put themselves in harm’s way in order to grab the attention of news organizations who only seem to be able to focus on the most meaningless, least significant parts of a debate and are easily distracted by sex, violence, and imperiled animals. As of this hour, The Push to Reform the Financial Regulatory Structure had become trapped in a well with a family of baby ducklings and Iranian Policy had been caught in a sex scandal with Nuclear Disarmament Policy.

“Look, we don’t care why they did it or if it was just a tragic accident," said a weeping Joe Biden during a press conference to announce what rescue attempts and safety precautions were being undertaken. “We just want them back safe and sound.”

“We promise, things’ll be different. We’ll treat you better. We’ll pay attention to you, maybe even address you with dignity and respect. Just come back safe, just come back safe. You won’t ever have to pull one of these stunts again.”

Initial reports that Drug Law Reform, Mass-Transit, NASA, and Public Schools had absconded with a trimaran and were drifting east toward the Azores have yet to be verified.