Broken News: All hope lost as evil hordes overrun Cushion Fort

THE LIVING ROOM—An otherwise idyllic, peaceful morning was shattered when two car bombs rocked the market district of South Awesometown, killing dozens and splaying action figures and broken plastic limbs all over the immediate area.

What was initially believed to be yet another gruesome attack on an overwhelmed populace turned out to be something far more sinister as the horrible violence was merely the opening gambit of an invasion that threatened the entire living room and outlying territories as far west as the dining room table.

As the vile hordes of the Enemy poured through the Great Front Gates of Awesometown, the citizens saw the true horror that awaited them. Not only were there hordes of orcs, goblins, and trolls, but the Enemy had been able to marshal the support of the stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire, several Darth Vader figurines, a couple of badass looking Matchbox cars, the international terrorist organization Cobra, and a perverse menagerie of mismatched and augmented Lego vehicles.

This was not merely another battle in the fraught with violence, daily struggle that is life in Awesometown, no; this was the battle to end all battles.

“Blaargh, mercy is for the weak,” a booming voice was heard to yell as giant hands smashed an X-Wing into the prone body of a battered Han Solo, one of the many confusing episodes of this pitched and narratively baffling confrontation.

As the fight raged on, many were sickened by the tactics of the Enemy as his elite Vader squad was seen to mutilate and dismember a group of Lego citizens who had not been able to flee the area.

“We’re just a group of engineers, architects, and motorcycle cops, don’t hurt us,” they were heard to yell. But their pleas went unheard as the Vader squad pulled them apart and stomped on them in a violent up and down motion as the spit-flecked sounds of screams, explosions and machine gun fire permeated the air.

Citizens were left with little hope for protection as a fire truck took to the air and violently crashed into a large red barrel that housed the city’s elite Monkey Squadron. Those who had survived the firetruck’s initial vicious aerial assault soon learned the meaning of true pain as the massive frame of The Incredible Hulk came into view.

“DIE DIE DIE,” the voice boomed again, as the Hulk engaged in the most common fighting tactic of the day; jumping up and down on the heads of his victims. Torrents of childish laughter were heard as the Hulk finished of this awful session by proceeding to hump the bodies of the noble apes in a lewd and lascivious fashion.

As the unending horror and violence consumed the outskirts of Awesometown near the Great Recliner and End Table of Power, those still alive knew the only possible solution left was the one that had served them so well in previous periods of war: they would gird themselves in Nerf and make for the Cushion Fort.

The seven cushion fort, built by their ancestors and allowed to stand for nigh on three days now, had protected them whenever violence encroached and the nearby area had become littered with the dismembered bodies of the girly doll-people of the Repellent Sister Creature. Now it was their only hope in this completely badass final battle to end all final battles. But unluckily for the remaining survivors, the army of the Enemy knew of these plans and had vowed to leave a trail of pain and blood as the evil battalions made their way to the vaunted Cushion Fort.

Indeed they were true to their brutal word as the path to the fort became littered with the broken and flayed bodies of the fallen, piled in various states of homoerotic and gay poses. Those who had seen it would never forget the tragic sight of the corpses of Dumbledore, Gandalf, and Yoda piled on top of each other as though the venerated wizards had been engaged in some sort of three-way anal intercourse.

But the assembled armies of the Enemy were too much for the fabled defenses of the cushion fort, as their superior numbers soon overran the valiant warriors. As the remaining citizens of Awesometown declared that all hope was lost, they looked to the heavens to plead for help and salvation. The booming voice returned, cried “No! The time of judgment is at hand!” and prepared to lay waste to the fort with a full body splash from off of the nearby couch.

It was at this moment that two larger creatures stumbled into the scene of the carnage, demanding to know “What is all this racket going on?” As the ensuing tale of the war at hand, ape rape, the cushion fort stronghold, and the battle to end all battles was regaled, the story was rebuffed with a curt “I don’t care” from the larger of the two beings, a week-long ban from watching cable news, and a demand to “Clean all this shit up, because it’s a goddamn mess in here.”

Amid much grumbling and protestations of unfairness the battlefields were swept clean, the cushion fort was razed and returned to its rightful place on Sofa Mesa, and the citizens were spared their final destruction and placed into a bin in the closet, perhaps some of them reemerging tomorrow as part of an RC car stunt spectacular or to perhaps suffer the heat of fire conjured from magnification glass.