WASHINGTON--With his health care and environmental reform efforts rendered toothless, his Olympic bid extinguished, and his "Change" slogan looking more inaccurate by the day, President Obama is seeking to appoint a Metaphor Czar.
While the precise duties of this new post have yet to be explained, Washington insiders suspect the Metaphor Czar will be given the unenviable task of equivocating in the face of questions raised by the President's seemingly ceaseless capacity for exaggerated claims and underwhelming results. After less than nine months in office, it seems journalists and pundits have already tired of the shop worn "full plate" excuse that has been repeated ad nauseum by the Obama camp.
"Frankly, Robert Gibbs needs the help," said media analyst Mike Daulerio. "If Obama expects to make it to 2010 intact, he's going to have to get better at giving reporters clever phrases to print in place of actual analysis and grim reminders of shallow progress. Help them grasp concepts, gather what they've understood, and throw light on administration approaches."
When asked to comment on rumors that disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer or the first living descendant of Joseph Goebbels they could find were the preliminary choices for the position, press secretary Robert Gibbs merely remarked that the names being considered "shifted like sand in an hour glass" while noting that he preferred to remain "as quiet as a mouse" on the matter.
After an uproar by the assembled press, Gibbs angrily pointed out that he "knew goddamn well that those were similes" before reminding everyone that he wasn't up for the position and besides, he couldn't stick around to answer any questions or provide more information because he had work to do and "a lot on his plate."
Monday, October 12, 2009
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