Rapture dog

You know there's a question I hear all the time: "Matt, I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in God or have any stake in organized religion. But what if I'm wrong and God exists and all his true believers are raptured up into heaven? How can I make money off of that and get a free dog?" If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I could buy an island. Well, good news everyone, there's finally an answer: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA.

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
...
For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

First off how could a just God exist if He didn't rapture up man's best friend? Also: allow the world's pain, suffering, et cetera, et cetera. I do know what you're thinking, though, and they're two steps ahead of you.

Q: Is this a Joke?
A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

But how long post-rapture will it take for Tuffy to get picked up by his new atheist master?

A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance. Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service. Pets' lives are at stake. We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

That's good, during the whole wailing and gnashing of teeth period, but before the riding of the four horsemen.

So if you don't believe in God, need some cash, live in Maine New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, or Georgia, and want a free dog, cat, bird, rabbit, and small caged mammal to help you through any God based apocalypse, contact Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.28

As Seen On TV! Birthermercial Asks, Where Was Obama Really Born?
I kind of wish I thought of this. No, not the "Obama is a Kenyan, show us the birth certificate" conspiracy. As you can see from our Broken News and Broken in Brief pieces, Sean and I aren't that creative. No, the part where I create a bullshit infomercial about it and then charge suckers $30 for a bumper stickers and a fax to 50 state attorney generals and Eric Holder. Though this might create a problem where state attorney generals are just being forwarded a list of the craziest individuals in America with disposable incomes and free time. At least that's helpful to the rest of America.

Tea Party Founder Announces: "A Huffington Post Of Our Own"
You people do not disappoint. Now I'm not going to have to read up to 10 different sites to keep track of all the bizarre conspiracies that the government is involved in. Now I can get my crazy content aggregated. If I can also get some critiques of red carpet fashions, a site runner with an accent, and video of stuff that happened on TV, I can just jettison the HuffPo entirely.

France, Poland want Polanski released on bail
Just a word of advice to any French cultural ministers, actors, film buffs, and the two HuffPo bloggers that already have decried Polanski's arrest: stop wasting my time with bullshit about how he's the real victim, and sure rape is bad but everyone else affiliated with the case is worse, and "isn't being forced to live abroad as a millionaire director punishment enough?". Just say "Rosemary's Baby and Chinatown were really fucking good, I don't care how many 13 year-olds he drugs, rapes, and sodomizes" and be done with it. It's a lot easier than going through 700 words to find out that's what you really wanted to say anyway.

A Presidential Olympic Bid
Hey, I don't have any real idea of the Presidential schedule, but doesn't Barry have better things to do than to fly over to Copenhagen to push for Chicago's Olympic bid? I mean sure, I hate the time delays as much as anyone, but really, a special trip? Is Chicago in dire need of a world class diving arena? Ah, what the hell, it's Yom Kippur, government's probably shut down. You go get Chicago that cycling velodrome its wanted, Barry. You go get it.

New Cheney Taking Stage for the G.O.P.
Whew! I was worried for a while that this country would have to go on for too long without the amoral, crooked, grunting spawn of the hellbeast lying to the American public from a position of influence within the GOP. If only some state would bless us with Liz Cheney in the House of Senate, I think I could die happy....in whatever nuclear conflict she'd invariably provoke us into. C'mon, doesn't George H.W. Bush have any ignorant grandkids we could pair her up with?

Quote of the weekend

"We were very afraid it (the G-20) was going to put Pittsburgh in a bad light," said Gruelle. "Everybody was walking around on eggshells for the past two weeks with all the police, and protesters, and military, and this and that, and we were afraid some schmucks were going to come in and put a bad face on Pittsburgh and, well, we weren't going to let that happen. We figured the best way to do that, and the most effective way that's going to get our point across and still make people laugh, was to, you know ... well ... Let's Go Pens."

The words of Marco Gruelle, the man who organized the Let's Go Pens counter protest, in an extensive and exclusive interview to AOL's NHL Fanhouse. He provided the only worthwhile moment of this entire G20 weekend. Well, if you don't count all the hippies and various assorted douches that the cops tuned up.

Wish we thought of it

glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com

It's not like we haven't tried to spread our own satire based slander about Glenn Beck's...shall we say...personal peccadilloes, but while we merely wonder if he's getting a little too close to Orycteropus afer, the purveyors of this new site are just looking to confirm a rumour. I mean they aren't actually accusing Glenn Beck of raping and murdering a young girl in 1990, they're just asking him to deny the allegations that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. They're just trying to get to the bottom of an important manner (Glenn possibly raping and murdering a young girl in 1990) in much the same way Glenn and his ilk do. But apparently he feels the need to squash this journalistic endeavor.

The site went up on September 1 and had a huge spike of initial interest—it served more than 120,000 page loads in the first 24 hours. By September 3, lawyers for Beck's media company, Mercury Radio Arts, had contacted the domain registrar demanding that the "highly defamatory domain name" glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com be deleted, that the WhoisGuard privacy protection service be revoked, and that the owner's contact information be turned over to the lawyers.

Registrar NameCheap didn't do this, of course, and Beck's lawyers sent another letter the next day, making the same demands. They also showed that they were reading the website: "We also note that it appears you contacted the individual, as he states on his website hosted on the Defamatory Domain that 'my webhost is taking some flak over this website, so if he gets shuts me down, it may take a bit to get rehosted.'"
...
Beck's lawyers also filed a case with the World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) in Switzerland, the group which handles the worldwide domain dispute resolution process, on the grounds that the new website was improperly using Glenn Beck's trademarked name.

Yes, he trademarked his name. And his thuggish tactics to shut down this simple inquiry into whether or not he actually did rape and murder a young girl in 1990 seemed to have worked, with the site down as we speak. It's as if Glenn's lawyers raped and murdered this site, much like a young girl that may or may not have been raped and murdered in 1990.

The site clearly states they didn't think Glenn raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 and that they thought he was innocent of the charges that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990, they just wanted him to respond to the allegations that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. We here a These Bastards agree. While we certainly don't believe Mr. Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990 (a young aardvark? maybe) we think it's important that he address and disprove these rumors that he raped and murdered a young girl in 1990. I'm sure it's as simple as getting a copy of a birth certificate.

Discomfort

If you're looking for a good diversion of one's time, might These Bastard Industries and its various subsidiaries suggest spending a few minutes perusing Post Modern Barney's Uncomfortable Plot Summaries, whereupon the author makes it his goal to describe various movies and books in the most uncomfortable way possible. Some examples:

ALIENS: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications
FIREFLY: In an analogue of the post-Civil War west, a white man on the losing side bosses around a black woman
SERENITY: Men fight for possession of scantily clad mentally ill teenage girl.
ROSEMARY’S BABY: An unplanned pregnancy leads to complications
SILENCE OF THE LAMBS: Incompetent manipulated by several murderers, stumbles upon suspect completely by accident. Creates situation that allows serial killer to escape
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE JEDI: Handicapped mass murderer kills septugenarian, is lauded
THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight preteen
TITANIC: Crazy old widow disregards lifelong memories of husband, children, and grandchildren in favor of that one time she fucked a bum
WORLD TRADE CENTER: Rag-tag group of underdogs succeed at a massive undertaking despite overwhelming odds, credit success with faith in God.

MEAT CARDS

Oh yes, this is real. Why hand some one a piece of paper and ink when you can hand them a hunk of meat burned by a laser. They'll remember you. They won't remember any of your contact information though, because they'll have eaten it. Still, it's based around the always sound premise that carrying around a pocket full of dried and cured meat is the way towards business success.

We start with 100% beef jerky, and SEAR your contact information into it with a 150 WATT CO2 LASER.

Screw die-cutting. Forget about foil, popups, or UV spot lamination. THESE business cards have two ingredients:
MEAT AND LASERS.

Unlike other business cards, MEAT CARDS will retain value after the econopocalypse. Hoard and barter your calorie-rich, life-sustaining cards.

MEAT CARDS do not fit in a Rolodex, because their deliciousness CANNOT BE CONTAINED in a Rolodex.

Availability announcements soon. Initially will be available in beef, turkey, ostrich, and human, with smoked or teriyaki options. Follow new developments on Twitter.

Idea time

Entrepreneurial spirits we are here at These Bastards, Sean and I wished to pass onto you an idea that you might take and run wild with. Perhaps better plan to make money in these dark times than debasing yourself in the field of scrap metal thieving, prostitution, or book manufacturing/distribution. Recession porn, the brainchild of Glark:

I caught some construction workers down in the basement of my building going through discarded mailers from places like Talbot’s checking out photos of ladies in bras and underwear. We’re not even talking about Victoria’s Secret. We’re talking department store-grade stuff here. Trash suggested this was “recession porn”.

So if you want to get ahead of the wave, it’s time to start a porn site for times when we all need to set our sights a bit more realistically.

If you've got the money/stolen tin for the domain name, hit up GoDaddy and start building your recession/depression budget porn empire.

Wish We Thought of It Department

Tigh/Roslin 2008

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!! We've been making this joke since the site started and we didn't have the foresight to put it together first? Even after he picked a woman? JESUS SHITTING CHRIST! I hang my head in shame and applaud you, oh wizened creators.