Broken News: CERN dismantles Large Hadron Collider, begins construction of 'world's largest pussy magnet'

GENEVA—The European Organization for Nuclear Research, or CERN, announced today its plan to immediately begin dismantling the 3-billion Euro Large Hadron Collider, citing both a lack of global respect for science and the fact that “athletes and musicians are unfairly landing too much hot model ass.”

In order to rectify this situation, CERN is reorganizing the LHC’s 1,232 dipole magnets into what they are calling “the world’s largest pussy magnet”, a hypothetical device based on some of the more obscure theories of Albert Einstein and Niels Bohr.

“For far too long have we watched soccer players, guitarists, and politicians walk around with the most beautiful women on earth after doing nothing of any real importance,” spat out a disgusted Rolf-Dieter Heuer, particle physicist and director of CERN. “Is it too much to ask that this planet revere knowledge a little more?”

“Sure, we’re only looking into the building blocks of the universe, curing diseases, saving the environment, and trailblazing new frontiers for humanity. It’s not like we’re doing something important like dunking a fucking basketball. You people make me sick!” the angry doctor of quantum chromodynamics shouted, his goatee quivering with rage. “Well, no more ‘bettering humanity through scientific endeavors’ bullshit. We’re looking out for number one now. First order of business: getting some prime strange.”

Those within CERN and the global science community cite not only a lack of prestige associated with the scientific fields, but the rampant disrespect for basic science, facts, and evidence-based conclusions that the public has shown over the years.

Another point of contention has been the dearth in funds for new scientific research. While trillions of dollars are freely given to the military or banks and financial institutions that have crippled the world economy, the scientific community is finding it harder and harder to get the necessary resources to do fundamental research.

“Oh sure, if I bankrupt Iceland or come up with a really good missile guidance system that kills the mudpeople good, then I can get all the money I want,” observes Dr. Ugo Amaldi, a former CERN physicist who now works teaching medical physics. “But try to get a buck for curing disease? Suddenly they’re feigning poverty. I loathe the look in a government official’s eyes when you tell them that your new therapy can’t be weaponized or used to administer a disease instead of curing it.”

“And just when you’ve convinced yourself to soldier on, you see some backup goalie from a second division football club driving a Maybach 57S getting road head from an actress,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air. “That’s it, fuck it! Cure your own shit, you ingrates. I’m working on getting fat stacks of cash and bitches.”

While Niels Bohr theorized that magnets could be reorganized and made to attract the female gender in his 1922 paper “You Will All Be Fucking the Niels Bohr Now” and his theory later proven to be possible by Albert Einstein in his 1924 paper “Call Me Big Al”, the theory was dismissed by the scientific community at large as the two physicists letting their notoriety go to their heads.


Interest in the theory was revived when in the eighties the explosion in salaries for movie star, musicians, and athletes started to coincide with world governments being unwilling to act or help fund near universal scientific consensuses.

While no one is sure what the Large Pussy Magnet, or LPM, will do when constructed and turned on, some posit that it will create some form of quantum masking that will make nearby scientists appear to be more handsome and posses better social skills, while some theorize the LPM will actually produce valuable minerals, luxury sedans, and property deeds to large mansions.

Others a hypothesize that the LPM will actually alter the degree of respect for science exhibited by society, while many simply think it will cause smoking hot butt naked bitches to hurtle through the sky towards Geneva.

“What the fuck do you care how it works,” asked an incredulous Dr. Heuer. “You don’t listen to us when we tell you how the universe works or how you can make things more energy efficient, why would you listen now? Seriously, just fuck off. We’re done with you. If the world goes to shit while we’re off getting laid and you need some way to fix it, I suggest duct tape and prayers to your chosen deity. That’s all you rotten fuckers seem to understand anyway. Piss off.”