Stones

We've heard some bizarre penis-related conspiracies before. Who can forget Rush Limbaugh decreeing that we needed to save our penises from Obama. Well it turns out that Rush was almost right, which for him is a stunning achievement in accuracy. He just needed to turn his attention just a few tics lower....to the balls. Yes, Obama is a danger to Republican balls. Science said so.

Those who remember the street parties of Election Night 2008 might think the testosterone levels of Obama voters had shot up in triumph. That would be wrong.

Instead, liberal testosterone levels stayed stable, while those of male Republican voters plummeted. The latter also reported feeling submissive and unhappy.
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Indeed, Republican men “felt significantly more controlled, submissive, unhappy and unpleasant at the moment of the outcome” than those who voted for Obama, the researchers wrote. “Moreover, since the dominance hierarchy shift following a presidential election is stable for four years, the stress of having one’s political party lose control of executive policy decisions could plausibly lead to continued testosterone suppression in males.”

Obama's win and McCain's loss had no effect on the testosterone of women, with male levels showing the same levels as they normally do when their sports teams win big games. Which just goes to show you that women need to invest more of their physical and emotional health into politics and sports like men do. So when you say something political felt like "getting kicked in the balls", something I do like five or twenty times a day, you're close. It's something closer to a chemical/metabolic ball kicking....from the inside.

So the next time some conservative commentator talks about how some liberal policy enacted by the liberals in Congress and the White House is damaging the masculinity of the country and pussifying it, just know that he's speaking from experience and scientific evidence. In fact were he to drop his pants on TV, which is what Glenn Beck is two weeks away from doing....tops, you would see the effects of 9+ months of shriveling, shrinkage, and receding. In fact the teabaggers might don't even have the requisite ability to teabag if Obama keeps issuing brutal commands from his throne of skulls. Still, this is a net positive. If there's anything Republicans need, it's less testosterone in their politics.