Bishop-to-Pawn(s) Ridiculous3

CJ Werleman takes Catholic Bishop Anthony Fisher -- he of "Nazism, Stalinism, Pol Pot-ery, mass murder, abortion and broken relationships" can be attributed to atheism fame -- to task for his blatant misrepresentation of history during this year's Good Friday sermon.

Oh brother, how your crucifix wearing kind love to scare folk into believing atheism gave us Hitler and Stalin. It’s a tired argument, and one that has been proven historically flawed a million times over. So, I will keep this brief. Firstly, Hitler was raised a Roman Catholic and never renounced his faith. He forced his ideology of Nazism onto the German population. The Holocaust was just a continuation of what Christians have done to the Jews throughout Europe for the previous 1,500 years, in which Jewish populations were blamed for every societal ill from small pox to famines. In regards to Stalin, he was educated in a seminary and used all the levers of religious belief to cultivate his cult of personality – as all those in the dictator business do.

Werleman also chastises Fisher for completely ignoring religion's role in 20th century bloodletting, as well as regurgitating the fundamentally flawed argument that a better life without God is impossible. The full bollocking is available here at the Rationalists Blog.

'Tis the season

Big Fat Whale chronicles the atheist yuletide traditions, even if they don't really count as real people.

Rapture dog

You know there's a question I hear all the time: "Matt, I'm an atheist who doesn't believe in God or have any stake in organized religion. But what if I'm wrong and God exists and all his true believers are raptured up into heaven? How can I make money off of that and get a free dog?" If I had a nickel for every time I heard that I could buy an island. Well, good news everyone, there's finally an answer: Eternal Earth-Bound Pets, USA.

You've committed your life to Jesus. You know you're saved. But when the Rapture comes what's to become of your loving pets who are left behind? Eternal Earth-Bound Pets takes that burden off your mind.

We are a group of dedicated animal lovers, and atheists. Each
Eternal Earth-Bound Pet representative is a confirmed atheist, and as such will still be here on Earth after you've received your reward. Our network of animal activists are committed to step in when you step up to Jesus.Our service is plain and simple; our fee structure is reasonable.
...
For $110.00 we will guarantee that should the Rapture occur within ten (10) years of receipt of payment, one pet per residence will be saved. Each additional pet at your residence will be saved for an additional $15.00 fee. A small price to pay for your peace of mind and the health and safety of your four legged and feathered friends.

First off how could a just God exist if He didn't rapture up man's best friend? Also: allow the world's pain, suffering, et cetera, et cetera. I do know what you're thinking, though, and they're two steps ahead of you.

Q: Is this a Joke?
A: No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

But how long post-rapture will it take for Tuffy to get picked up by his new atheist master?

A: The timing is contingent on the number of subscribers we have in each state/region and travel distance. Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service. Pets' lives are at stake. We will limit the number of subscribers in each zone so that any given rescuer will not be over burdened. Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times. Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

That's good, during the whole wailing and gnashing of teeth period, but before the riding of the four horsemen.

So if you don't believe in God, need some cash, live in Maine New Hampshire, Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, Rhode Island, Wisconsin, Minnesota, Michigan, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, Colorado, Oklahoma, Kansas, Washington, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, North Carolina, or Georgia, and want a free dog, cat, bird, rabbit, and small caged mammal to help you through any God based apocalypse, contact Eternal Earth-Bound Pets.

Broken News: Atheists propose new health plan for America

WASHINGTON—With the health care debate finally moving to the full Senate after yesterday’s 14-9 vote by the Senate Finance Committee, a concrete plan for health care reform seems to be on track. However, in an attempt to convince Congress to change its course, atheist organizations offered up a new plan that they say would cut costs, open up health care access to those who needed it, eliminate delays in treatment, and move the United States towards a more advanced society.

“It is not too late for Congress to act. It is not too late for Congress to choose a better solution. We think we’ve found it and we hope they’ll listen,” announced atheist Ken Hammond, the communications manager for the National Organization for the Gainsaying Of Deities.

“It’s simple: no health care or medical attention for anyone who belongs to a church or religious movement opposing reform. Now some might say that this just creates a larger system of uninsured than the one we currently have, but we maintain that our policy would give these people the best kind of care available: the care of the Lord. Christian Scientists are right, my friends. Follow their example. And the Lord’s. Please, just stop standing in the way.”

This press conference also served to mark the release of a policy paper written by the organization entitled Health Care in America: Let’s Crassly Wedge Religion into This Fucker, Too. The paper, which some are calling a landmark for the atheist movement, represents a rejection of atheist scholars' most common debate tactic, reasoned discourse, and replacing it with a new plan wherein they would debate religious and political policy intersections within a purely religious framework.

The thesis of the paper and this new health care push is the theory that all maladies are the brutal judgments of a vengeful Lord towards his disciples and that those disciples should accept God’s punishment. Furthermore, they should have to rely on God to cure the injuries and sicknesses Himself as part of a complete adherence to their faith, nothing that there are no Biblical references about preventative prostate screening, MRI's, or a host of other medical procedures, only prayer.

While health care experts agree that effectively shutting out tens of millions of Americans from any health care that doesn’t involve prayer will dramatically cut costs and applaud the atheist community’s attempts to further degrade the health care debate to its lowest possible level in an attempt to make a cheap point, they did note one flaw in NOGOD’s attempts.

“I can’t believe the atheists fell for it. Again!” observed heath care policy analyst Paul Fairfax. “Haven’t they learned by now not to argue using any form of discernible logic? Even this ‘clever’ plan to point out how religious groups opposition to health reform belies an internal hypocrisy with their religion’s tenets of social justice, let alone their hypocrisy in embracing science only when it suits them, is coached in the stink of logic. That they can’t realize it is the curse of the atheist movement.”

As if on cue, religious groups were quick to decry the proposed plan.

“First off, Ezekiel 1: 15-19 clearly references some sort of rudimentary explanation of magnetic movement, so that was clearly God speaking out in favor of MRI’s,” explained Tony Perkins, spokesman for Focus on the Family.

“Second, I’m not sure this NOGOD group understands how the religious/political debate works in this country. Those who believe get to try to impose their faith-based policy ideas on those who don’t believe. In no way are non-religious types allowed to twist that logic back on itself in an attempt to use the Bible to get what they want. Besides, our research into Biblical texts reveals the God backs private insurance and opposes current efforts to reform the system. “

He finally added, “Also, that acronym is pushing it. They can’t just arbitrarily discount the ‘F’ and the ‘T’!”

When asked to comment on the debate, the Holy Host of Heaven was willing to concede the point made by NOGOD. Yaweh acknowledged that all disease and injury that befall the religious community was a judgment on anything from the individual's value as a human being to whether or not He liked the shirt they were wearing, depending on His mood. He also admitted that the only true way to rid oneself of these ailments was to pray for salvation or hope God noticed that new, nicer shirts had been purchased.

“Sure, they may be right, but they’re being dicks about it, as usual, so we’re not going to support them,” announced a shimmering cloud of pure joyous light, whilst a heavenly chorus sang in praise of He who sits most high. “We’re just going to sit back and let the United States chart out its own inadequate response to the problem. The Big Guy is just a little miffed that His attempt to influence the opinions of various political and religious leaders towards reason and logic early this year wasn’t met with success. Christ, those fuckers are intractable.”

“Besides,” the ball of light added, turning all the colors of the visible spectrum, bathing all who were near in the warm embrace of the Almighty. “I think it’s clear from the religious texts and various speeches the Lord’s given that he’s for single payer.”

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.23

Survey: One Quarter of Americans Could Claim 'No Religion' in 20 Years
Praise Jesus! People who don't believe in God/follow no "religious tradition" are the fastest growing segments of the US religious landscape. So that's a big thanks to you American religious right. I think those anti-science, anti-choice, pro-war, pro-death penalty, hypocritical, evangelical moralizing insanity you've decided to amp up to 11 over the years has convinced people that God is either dead or never existed. Don't worry, I didn't forget the molesting priests and church cover-ups. They helped too. Again, thanks.

Health Care Is Hazardous to Poll Numbers for Grassley, Other Senators
Who would have ever thought that nakedly shilling for insurance companies, not having an alternative plan to do anything about health care, and disseminating lies would ever come back to haunt Republicans? And who would have thought that dicking around, ignoring constituents, and going out of your way to compromise with people who weren't willing to compromise would alienate Democrats? This was all unforeseeable.

Palin Hong Kong Speech Blames Government For Financial Crisis; Some Walk Out In Disgust
Oh God, she went overseas to deliver a "major policy address". Doesn't this constitute a hostile act of aggression towards China? Ah well, least she hasn't seemed to learn anything, what with all this free time she has now. Not only did she blame the global economic collapse of government, instead of those pesky bankers and financial conglomerates, she said the solution was....wait for it...capital gains cuts and the removal of the estate tax! One other solution she offered: freedom. I really hope she does more of these "policy" speeches.

With G-20, Pittsburgh gets its 15 minutes
The LA Times tries to come to grips with the question all of us in Pittsburgh are asking: Why in the hell is the G-20 being held here? No one knows. No one will ever know. I just think it has something to do with President Obama and Dan Rooney practically becoming a couple. All I can say is that I hope the G20 summit can do for us what it did for Morelia, Mexico

Senate OK’s Kennedy successor bill
That's the Massachusetts we know and love: ready to drop trow and amend its laws in order to feed the democratic machine. Massachusetts could have a new interim senator and Democrats could have their 60th vote by as early as tomorrow. Some have been suggesting Dr. Atul Gawande. That sounds like a damn fine idea. Just as long as it isn't another damned Kennedy.

Video of the day

Hubble Ultra Deep Field images......in 3D. With a little education about deep field imagery. And if you click on the video you can go read a staggeringly childish YouTube comment thread war about God and atheism.

Video of the day

From FSTDT: Dramatic readings of fundamentalist Christian message board posts.

Broken News: Richard Dawkins wins ‘fishes and loaves’ eating contest

Dawkins, moments before destroying the competition at the 125th annual West Essex Craft Fair and Eating Contest

TUSCALOOSA, AL--The annual St. Fritz the Pious "Fish Fry, Bake Sale, and Fun Fest" has traditionally been one of Tuscaloosa County's banner events. This year, St. Fritz hoped to expand both attendance and its reach in the community by tapping into the national popularity of competitive eating with a bible-themed "Fishes and Loaves" eating contest. These plans quickly fell apart when accomplished scientist and passionate atheist, Richard Dawkins, dominated the eating contest. In the wake of Dawkins surprisingly lopsided victory, area clergy and parishioners are struggling to defend against a sudden atheistic groundswell taking hold within the community.

The day began just as it has in previous years, as parishioners set up the tents and rides, Father Joseph prepped the fish fry, and animals were loosed into the petting zoo. As one strolled along the fairway between PTA bake sale tables and donated clothing racks, there would have been no reason to suspect the events would play out any differently. Soon thereafter, as though from a black-tipped cloud of despair and evil, a lone, wild-haired Englishmen strode from the parking lot and onto the scene.

“It began with a sort of murmuring and necks craning over to see,” remembered Father Joseph, parish head and contest emcee. “You could hear the whispers of ‘Is it really him?’ and ‘What’s he doing here?’ I turned around and saw Richard Dawkins strolling through the front gates, a smug look across his heathen face, and I knew we were in for a long day.” Indeed, it would not be long before the congregation's protein and carbohydrate-based hopes were dashed against the rocks of reason.

"I knew exactly what I was doing,” said a bloated Dawkins the following day between generous heaves into his toilet. “Books, scholarly articles, presentations, and speaking tours are just preaching to the converted, if you’ll excuse my pun. This is America. People might not read anymore, but they’ll line up a hundred rows deep to see someone eat his own weight in fried food. Especially if it gives them a chance to appear on a late-night ESPN2 segment. That’s when I pounce. Their God, with all his might and power, can’t will any of their men or women to out-eat me.”

Dawkins, a professor of ethnology and evolutionary bilology who holds the Charles Simonyi Chair for the Public Understanding of Science at Oxford, is the 2007 Major League Eating Rookie-of-the-Year, and professional God-sneerer. Upon reaching the contest registration booth, Dawkins signed his name so large John Hancock would have blushed, underlined it twice, then gazed at a crucifix before laughing to himself, shaking his head, and walking over to the petting zoo.

Initially Dawkins seemed content to wander the grounds for a time, hands clasped behind his back, jaw jutted, and nose pointed squarely up. But it was not long before the figurehead of the new atheism launched his first salvo at the bake sale. The victim: Mary-Louise Mesick and her prized lemon squares.

“He made me question everything I thought I knew about baked goods and God,” said a still clearly emotional Ms. Mesick. “He stopped right in front of me, peered down over those wire-rim glasses of his, and paid one dollar for one square. He carefully ate it, and after considering it for a moment told me, ‘Lemon squares are the great cop-out, the great excuse to evade the need to think and evaluate flavor.’ My knees buckled and I had to be carried to the first aid tent. He was just so clinical, scholarly, and dismissive. His eyes were so cold. So very, very cold.”

Others were less lucky. Evangeline Garcia was put under 72-hours of psychiatric observation after Dawkins mused that he was against her crème filled donuts because they “…teach us to be satisfied with not understanding the world.” For her part, Sally Danforth had to be physically restrained after Dawkins referred to her fudge nut brownies as possessing “…precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil and no good, nothing but blind pitiless indifference.”

In the wake of these verbal assaults, many parishioners wanted Dawkins removed from the premises. Other, more calculating attendees felt that such a measure would give Dawkins the very victory he sought. A hastily called conference of organizers decided that to do so would cast them as unthinking rubes who persecuted a man just for asking questions about God. As parishioner Jeanine Mealey explained, "The only way forward was to defeat and humiliate him in the ‘fishes and loaves’ contest."

“We knew why he was here,” remarked Ed Hoyle, parishioner and collection plate man at the Sunday noon service. “I read on Beliefnet that he was traveling around to local community fairs and religious gatherings trying to prove the non-existence of God through competitive eating. We just never thought he’d have the guts to show up to St. Fritz’s. Me and the other local men knew we had to represent for God in the eating contest or we were in some serious danger of not getting that addition built on to the church by next fall. Who would donate to the church Dawkins humiliated?”

Twelve men rose to challenge Dawkins, but in the end none could even come close to defeating him. After the five minute time limit, Dawkins had eaten 64 fishes and 58 loaves, a world record. The next closest competitor, James "Jimbo" Fickleninny, had barely reached a dozen of each item. As the perplexed crowd pondered the defeat of faith by atheism in a religious eating contest, Dawkins wrestled the mic from Father Joseph, proclaiming “Where is your God now? You pray to him and worship him and yet he doesn’t appear to help you in your time of need. The best of you have consumed barely one-fifth of what I am capable of ingesting. I’ve been interviewed by Charlie Rose five times! Doesn’t this show you the foolishness of your beliefs? You’re holding yourselves back with this childish insistence in a higher power! Jog on!”

While the mic was quickly cut off and Dawkins expelled by volunteer firemen, the damage had already been done. “You could see people questioning everything they thought they ever knew. He just ate so much!” an exasperated Father Joseph observed. Church insiders say the real damage was seen the next day at a traditionally popular service rendered half-full. Worse yet, the collection for the local soup kitchen netted only $40.

As of now the church leadership is grasping for ideas. Some have suggested stoning Dawkins to death. A more widely supported plan has them joining together with a local synagogue to train eaters for a hastily planned second festival with an eating contest theme of unleavened bread and bitter herbs. They hope to defeat Dawkins at his own game and win the battle of ideas against the world’s foremost atheist eating machine.

Onward Christian Soldiers

From the "hardly surprising" file comes today's CNN piece on Army Specialist Jeremy Hall. In a lawsuit filed against the DOD and Defense Secretary Robert Gates in March, Spc. Hall claims he suffered systematic derision, exclusion, and threats of violence at the hands his fellow troops.

It's not that Hall was a poor soldier -- the Spc. served two tours and had a near-perfect record -- or that his patriotism and sense of duty wavered in the face of deteriorating conditions and escalating troop deaths. No, Hall's offense? His refusal to embrace Evangelical Christianity.

His sudden lack of faith, he said, cost him his military career and put his life at risk. Hall said his life was threatened by other troops and the military assigned a full-time bodyguard to protect him out of fear for his safety.
...
Two years ago on Thanksgiving Day, after refusing to pray at his table, Hall said he was told to go sit somewhere else. In another incident, when he was nearly killed during an attack on his Humvee, he said another soldier asked him, "Do you believe in Jesus now?"

More disconcerting is that Hall's experience is in no way unique, according to Michael Weinstein, a retired Air Force officer and atheist who founded the Military Religious Freedom Foundation:

"Our Pentagon, our Pentacostalgon, is refusing to realize that when you put the uniform on, there's only one religious faith: patriotism"...

Makes one wonder how long it'll be before Don't Ask Don't Tell is expanded to include atheists. After all, one must first embrace Jesus Christ and The Bible before gearing up, shipping out, and violating the Fifth Commandment.***

***Note: I'm referring here to the Fifth Commandment as stated in the Roman Catholic Decalogue, as that was the spooky, prehistoric bullshit forced on me personally as a youth. Protestants and Jews (i.e. heathens) may feel free to consult #6 on their list of holy no-nos.