Showing posts with label so very gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label so very gay. Show all posts

Monday, July 26, 2010

Quote of the day

Rev. Ted Haggard is back and he'd like to get back into leveraging religion into personal power for himself. I mean helping people through God. And he'd like you to stop snickering about all the gay meth stuff, you insensitive clods.
He acknowledged grave lapses of judgment in the episode he refers to as "my crisis." But Mr. Haggard also said that in his sorrow and shame, he accepted too much guilt after the scandal broke.

"I over-repented," he said.
Boy, have I been there. I once over-repented and threw my back out. I couldn't move for days. You have to repent from the knees, not the back.

But seriously, Ted, any hilarious statements you wan to make about the gay thing?
Mr. Haggard said that is ridiculous. He portrays his encounter with the prostitute as a massage that went awry and said he doesn't have same-sex attractions. He dismisses as a "witch hunt" the findings of his former church that he engaged in a pattern of misconduct, including sordid talk and inappropriate relationships
Again, I think we've all been there. You're getting a massage from a male prostitute you've hired to have sex with you, and he says "How about I finish you off, like we agreed to." You of course say yes. Then he asks you to do some meth off his ass. Of course you have to accept, the man is just being polite and denying his hospitality is rude. Then this prostitute says something like "Hey, would you mind living a secret life in the closet for the entirety of your life?" and you agree to it. Who hasn't been there?
"I cuss now," he said proudly.

"It's amazing. People tell me everything," Mr. Haggard said. "That never happened when we were respectable."
Well Ted, I'm glad that your comical fall from grace and dishonest rationalizations have been such a religious boon to yourself. As for the cussin', I'm sure everyone is OK with that. As long as the cussin' isn't in the vein of "Fuck me, gay prostitute." Otherwise, the occasional hell, ass, or damn is OK. Again, as long as the "ass" isn't related to rent boys or illicit and secret gay trysts.

Good luck Ted. With the way you've rationalized, cut corners, and whitewashed what happened, I'm sure the events that caused your fall will have never happened within a year or so. That's the first step towards healing. By which I mean "completely denying the fact that you are a gay man and burying those feelings so deep that they'll probably erupt in an even bigger outburst next time." We eagerly await that time.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Are you sure this didn't happen in America?

Today in News You Had To Read Twice Because You Were Certain It Happened In America, But Nope, It Was Australia news:
In May 2009, Ian Jolly, 57, was attempting to dine at the Thai Spice restaurant in Adelaide, when he was refused entry after staff misheard his female companion, and thought his "guide dog" was a "gay dog."

"The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," the owners said in a statement to South Australia's Equal Opportunity Tribunal.
Maybe I'm just one of those permissive gay dog enablers who tolerates the wanton sinning of homosexual animals, but what is it about a gay dog that makes it different from a straight dog in terms of wanting it in a restaurant? Doesn't the wait staff know that the gay dog would probably tip better? But hey, that explanation from the owners sure cleared it all up.

I just wish Australia would take the steps we take when dealing with gay dogs: let them appear on our television programs, but not allow them to sniff out bombs or drugs as an official US Government employee.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Broken News: A-Rod accused of using steroids on his tongue so he can lie better

Photo excerpt from the new book, picturing Mr. Rodriguez checking his tongue for any needle marks

NEW YORK—With a tumultuous off-season that included the release of a book rife with credible allegations of steroid use, as well as a hip injury requiring surgery and the continuing scorn of the sporting public, Alex Rodriguez is preparing for the media circus to begin anew.

A new book by Selena Roberts, entitled Back For Seconds: I Found Another Corner of A-Rod’s Life That Wasn’t Completely Tarnished Yet, is set to unveil that in the months since the steroid and performance-enhancing drug story went public, A-Rod has taken up a regimen of HGH injected straight into his tongue and prefrontal cortex in an attempt to improve his ability to lie.

Sources close to Mr. Rodriguez feel that the 12-time All-Star and all-time total douchebag, felled by a series of poor interviews and press releases leading to his eventual admittance of having used steroids, thought that his ability to get away with years of steroid use scot-free had been hampered by his poor ability to brazenly lie to fans, reporters, and interviewers all at the same time.

Those same sources state that since the book revealing his steroid use had been released A-Rod has been on an intensive HGH cycle combined with supervised lying exercises to improve his ability to hide a litany of dark secrets, terrible truths and embarrassing anecdotes.

“I would just like to take this opportunity to categorically deny these new allegations,” said Scott Boras, agent of the 3 time AL MVP and perennial fuckwad, during a conference call this morning. “Any and all improvement my client has seen in his ability to lie has come about through hard work and dedication. The man is a world-class athlete and his commitment to living in utter fantasy should not be questioned in any way. He has worked very hard at rigidly repeating the same falsehoods over and over and I shudder to think of people trusting scurrilous accusations about tongue steroids over this man’s commitment to complete mental discipline in the service of dishonesty.”

But baseball statisticians are quick to point out that since A-Rod was rumored to have started his HGH fueled schedule of deceit his lying stats have skyrocketed. Whereas before when no one would believe his declarations that he tried in the postseason, knew the names of his teammates, and had never used steroids, people haven’t been able to stop themselves from believing his recent proclamations that he was sorry he took the steroids, it was a onetime thing, that he was in fact in possession of a discernible human soul, that he had not known the carnal touch of Madonna’s ancient, leathery hide, and that there was more to him than the image of a self-absorbed narcissist who only played baseball for an overwhelming love of money and fame.

Further complicating matters for the rotten shit is that current MLB regulations do not treat illegal drugs taken for improvement of baseball skills any differently than illegal drugs taken for personal reasons, as Manny Ramirez’s recent 50-game suspension for simply trying to stimulate the egg production of his withered uterus clearly shows.

If there is one silver lining for the man millions simply know as A-Roid, it’s that Major League Baseball currently has no comprehensive test to detect HGH. In fact MLB Commissioner Bud Selig already intimated that there was little he could do.

“Unless the players union agrees to more comprehensive testing, my hands are tied,” said Mr. Selig, while taking questions at the league offices in New York. “Besides, I already had a nice conversation with the young man over the phone this morning. He wanted to assure me that not only were these allegations untrue, but that I was also a ‘great, handsome, and virile man’, whose wrath he would be 'foolish to incur’. I think we ended in a good place and I’m glad he called to clear things up. Next question?”

When the assembled press pointed out that Mr. Selig’s looks were “a cruel joke on the human form” and that his haircut resembled that of a dead possum that had been Flowbee’d and placed upon his skull, Selig paused, the realization slowly creeping across his face. “That dirty motherfucker,” he was heard to mutter as he left the room.

For their part, fans have promised to be outraged at this new revelation until Rodriguez hits a few towering home runs in the late innings of one-sided games. From then on, they will return to hating him solely for sports related reasons, only bringing up the steroids in an attempt to inflict mental harm and shame on Yankees fans who have long since stopped caring about anything other than winning.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Broken News: Gingrich inconsolable over Steele/Limbaugh flirtation

MCLEAN, VIRGINIA--Former House Majority Leader, Minority Whip, and hypocritical adulterer New Gingrich is apparently distraught over the conspicuous flirtation between RNC Chairman Michael Steele and corpulent conservative talk radio shitslinger Rush Limbaugh.

Aides close to Gingrich disclosed that he has not left the study of his north Virginia mansion since the publicly amorous tête-à-tête between Steele and Limbaugh began Saturday. The Republican icon of reform and author of 1994's quickly violated "Contract with America" is reportedly holed up with season 3-6 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, a ball gag, and an allegedly limitless supply of Ben & Jerry's New York Super Fudge Chunk Ice Cream which he will massage into his body.

"Mr. Gingrich is genuinely hurt." Explained friend and longtime advisor, Kyle Applebottom. "For the longest time now, it's been the 'Newt and Rush Show.' They killed nationalized health care together, ended 40 years of Democratic congressional dominance together, demonized a philandering president together while having their own affairs together... wait, that didn't come out right."

The trouble in GOParadise began this past Saturday when Steele asserted that he, not Limbaugh, was the de facto leader of the Republican Party. Steele then went on to call Limbaugh a "Big, bad meanie who smells like cigar smoke and scotch anytime after 7 PM."

Limbaugh was quick to respond on his nationally syndicated program Monday, calling Steele a "Slack-jawed little priss that needs to learn who butters his fluffy, oven-baked, scrumptious country-style biscuits."

Sources close to Gingrich suggest that this might have been the end of it, had Steele not phoned Limbaugh later in the day to personally apologize, saying, "Sometimes I just, I just get so intense. I've got all this pressure on me and sometimes, Rush, your passion frightens me."

It was apparently this very exchange, a spirited early indicator of Republican mating intent not unlike two dogs sniffing each other's asses, that sent Gingrich into seclusion in the east wing.

"He's threatened," sighed Applebottom. "As much as Mr. Gingrich has accomplished -- and he has accomplished a great deal, more than anyone ever might have thought possible -- he still feels insecure about competing with this upstart for Mr. Limbaugh's affections."

Applebottom continued, "How would you take it if one of your oldest brothers-in-arms started trading barbs with some neophyte, um, one of those? That Steele and his tacky 'bling-bling' and 'off the hook' and 'hippity hoppiness.' It just isn't fair! Plus Newtie is really worried about that whole 'Once you go black..' stereotype. He'd ask if it's true, but Steele is the only black guy in the party that anyone could ask. That and no one in the party has had any meaningful contact with a black person outside the party since Strom Thurmond abandoned his mulatto love child."

Some of Gingrich's inner circle have noted that the main thing frustrating Newt is that he was finally set to make his move to secure their union at last week's CPAC conference when this flirtation session broke out.

"He was ready to show Mr. Limbaugh who the real boss of the Republican party was: Rush," stated one adviser on condition of anonymity. "He had bought a rape stand at Michael Vick's estate sale and had been preparing to offer his pasty flesh up to Rush in a horrible sexual tribute, not unlike a female elephant offers herself up to a bull elephant, the beloved symbol of our party. Then after copulation, Newt figured they would lay on some hay in the barn and think of things to name after Reagan, come up with some really petulant stunts for Mitch McConnell to pull in the Senate, and then Twitter conspiracy theories about President Obama's parentage. It would have been the new dawn of Republican leadership."

"Now," the anonymous advisor sighed. "It looks like that dream will die."

Sources close to the former speaker say he has decided to focus his energies on one last-ditch effort at a Niagara Falls rendezvous for leadership meetings, strategy sessions, and sensual massages with scented oils.

As for Mr. Steele, he is expected to make an appearance on Mr. Limbaugh's nationally broadcast radio show to further debase himself and prove to the leader of the Republican party that he is willing and able to submit to the overbearing, strong will of the pill-addled divorcee simply known to his conquests as 'El Rushbo'. If all goes well, Mr. Steele hopes to be taking orders from Rush full-time by early April.