Broken News: McCain camp unveils new “Hey look over there!” strategy

WASHINGTON—After months of a campaign strategy some political observers have characterized as ineffective at best, the McCain campaign today unveiled a new strategy it hopes will pave the road to the White House. From now on, when Senator McCain, Governor Palin, or any staffer is confronted with an undesirable situation, event, or question, he or she will simply scream, “Hey look over there,” point to a space above and behind the malcontent, and sprint away before said person or persons can turn back around.

“This is a game-changer,” gushed ABC News political director and conventional wisdom diviner Timothy Dirksen. “For months and months the McCain camp has been caught in increasingly bizarre situations of their own creation. In many cases the only way to get the focus off that situation was to create and entirely new distraction, thus begetting a whole other set of problems. Now they can just run and hide, making a fake distraction the distraction. Plus, the news media will be loathe to criticize it because they wouldn’t want to admit they got tricked by a grade school stunt. It’s the best of both worlds.”

Already this strategy has historians recalling the famous rhetorical gambits of earlier Presidents and Presidential candidates. Nixon’s “secret plan to end the Vietnam War” and William McKinley’s “You won’t believe the shit Spain just said about you, America” gambit being the most cited examples. It remains to be seen whether McCain’s stunt net better end results than investigation and resignation or being assassinated by a Polish anarchist.

“Look, when you veer into ‘crazy scheme’ territory, there can always be negative consequences,” notes historian and thrice-arrested Presidential stalker Don Merton. “Just look at Taft. For a four month period in 1911, President Taft had the US Senate convinced that he was a powerful warlock. He was trying to scare them into backing off of their 10 cent a pound porcelain tax, as he was installing an extra large tub in his bathroom. Some senators confronted him when they found out Taft was lying and in fact had no magical powers of any sort and... things got ugly. By the time the Senate recessed for the summer, Taft had set the Senate office complex ablaze in an attempt to fake a fire spell. In retaliation, President pro tempore, William P. Frye, kidnapped two of Taft’s daughters and sold them to white slavers in Singapore.”

When this reporter pointed out that none of that had happened, Mr. Merton composed himself, screamed “Good Lord, what is that behind you!” and dove out a nearby window while my back was turned.

Already reporters are finding out the multiple and subtle nuances in this approach. Today, while being grilled on his extensive and shady lobbying ties to deposed mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, McCain campaign manager Rick Davis convinced a reporter from the Christian Science Monitor that there was a tiger behind him. Nancy Pfotenhauer feigned a hearing problem during a session with pool reporters on women’s issues. John McCain himself even pretended to fall asleep during a particularly grueling question-and-answer session on the Straight Talk Express.

A statement was later released explaining that McCain had actually fallen asleep, due to missing a scheduled nap after lunch. One reporter from the Wall Street Journal had remarked that he did notice some increased crankiness and fussiness from the candidate before he slipped into dreamytime mid-sentence during a classic golden oldie about him being the "original maverick."

Asked to explain the sudden change in strategy, McCain campaign strategist Steve Schmidt was surprisingly candid. “It’s not like all our other supposedly ‘great’ ideas were working. We tried outright lying, but the fucking bloggers started fact-checking everything. Then we tried rote memorization and repetition of trite, predictable soundbytes, but that backfired when people actually started listening. Did you see those Sarah Palin interviews? Yeesh. We were never able to crack the ‘Could you be more specific’ question-matrix.”

“Where’s the dignity in getting called a liar the second you open your mouth or sitting vacant-eyed with a forced smirk on your face as an ineffectual morning show host hands you your ass on a platter? At least if we trick someone and run, we salvage some level of self worth and blunt any negative coverage with a lack of footage or quotes. Now? You hit a rough spot and you just point off in the distance and run your ass off. I mean you fucking book it. No muss, no fuss, we live to fight another day.”

When I asked if he thought that this would just contribute to the general perception that the McCain campaign was terrified of letting people know its true intentions, views, and policies, clouding the truth with barrier after barrier, Schmidt got quiet. As he seemed to ponder the potential ramifications of this strategy, he suddenly looked up, a sheen of terror crept over his face. He yelled “Holy fuck, who let that gunman in here? EVERYBODY GET DOWN!!!!”

As I ducked to the ground, expecting a hail of bullets, I looked over to Schmidt’s chair, but he was nowhere to be found. I was later told several observers saw him running across the nearby football field, huffing and puffing as a patina of perspiration glistened on his fat, round face. There might be something to this strategy, I thought.

When asked to comment on this new McCain tactic, David Axelrod, chief strategist for Senator Obama and esoteric, baroque pop composer, refused comment. It is now believed that the Obama campaign is focusing its attention on Libertarian candidate Bob Barr and American Fascist Party candidate Seth Tyrssen, whom Axelrod believes are now vying for the title of ‘most serious right-wing/conservative political candidate.’