Fans try to get over the stunning revelation for the reason behind the Cubs inevitable early playoff exitThe shirt in question, a “Ryno” Ryne Sandberg early-nineties classic with a mustard stain on the collar, was inexplicably included in a pile of foul-smelling laundry and abandoned in the washing machine after after Wolski forgot to set it aside for the all-important divisional series.
“I don’t know what that dumb bastard was thinking,” remarked now-estranged friend, Donnie Collins. “How does he not know the routine? You repeat everything you did during the last win to ensure another win. I stood outside the bar, next to the smoker's station, for the entire White Sox ’05 World Series run because that's where I was when Paul Konerko hit a grand slam. That’s commitment and I’d like to think that was the reason we won that championship, baby! But Timmy, he can’t even remember a shirt? And he washed it too! Doesn’t he know that washes the luck right the fuck outta it?”
The shockwaves from this scandal reached all the way to Wrigley Field, dingy deathtrap and home to the long suffering Cubbies. When asked about Wolski’s blunder, Cubs manager Lou Pinella responded, “Batting practice and warm-ups went well. Our guys were fired up for the start, but when we took the field I could feel something was wrong. When we started the top of the second inning I initially thought that as many as six or seven people were wearing the wrong shirt, but as the game went on it felt more like it was one fan holding us back. Near the end of the first game when we were getting blown out 7-2, I thought we would be able to overcome the rank incompetence of one of our fans by refocusing and coming out strong for the next couple of games, but we couldn’t. To tell you the truth, during the second game against the Dodgers, I think someone watching at home also switched lucky seats. How are we supposed to overcome gaffes like that?”
While the couch seat switcher has yet to be found, the mayor and city council are already debating whether Wolski and the Couch Betrayer will face summary treason charges or be turned over to the Union Station Council of Elders for ritual dismemberment.
“You know how we had that ‘Clean and Green’ initiative a couple years back? Well I’m suggesting a ‘Clean and Red’ event. As in: we are going to cleanse the city of incompetent shirt traitors. As in: the streets will run red with the blood of the non-believers” remarked Chicago Mayor Richard Daley, showing the rank homerism, lack of forethought, and insatiable bloodlust that made him America’s favorite corrupt legacy admission mayor. Mayor Daley continued, I have personal assurances from Governor Blagojevitch that the shallow graves for these shits are already being dug.”
As the Mayor repaired to his little fort made out of stacks of $100 bills to prep a list of list of favors the new President would owe him, thoughts turned to next season and increasing the city's collective superstition to ridiculous and possibly unsustainable levels in an attempt to ward off the infamous Billy Goat and Wolski curses.
“The players can only do so much” continued Pinella. “The rituals and superstitions are what drives the runs, victories, and win streaks,” he said directly into the red microphone, avoiding the four other mics at the table. He then aligned his water bottle with his cell phone, touched his elbow three times and started speaking again.
“We’re professionals; we can tell when the crowd isn’t pulling their weight. Every stupid thing you do that gets you laughed at by your girlfriend and parents is essential to our success. I just hope the fans will get their shit straight so we can take the pennant next year.” He then got up from the table, threw salt over his shoulder, walked over to the door, turned the knob three times and exited, only walking on the black tiles.
For Tim Wolski however, those words are too little too late. Already in hiding, he was forced out into the open when his house suffered eight simultaneous arson attempts. This reporter was able to get a word with him as he fled the scene.
“Jesus Christ, I know I fucked up, alright? The shirt smelled and I was trying to impress a girl at this party” he cried, tears streaming down his face. “Don’t I get some sort of special pussy dispensation? Have mercy, I was once one of you!”
His words were cut short by a brick to the head, thrown by the growing mob, torches and effigies alight as they stalked the night for their prey. They chanted “100 years! 100 years!”
Blood gushing out of a head wound, Wolski scurried into the underbrush, escaping into the woods. A fugitive now, his life will be spent running from his mistake, perhaps solving crimes or doing good in another town under an assumed name.
Re-education camps, set to open next week, will teach a beleaguered region how to wring every win out of their overpaid and underperforming "professional" baseball team.
No comments:
Post a Comment