Broken In Brief: Israel all like, "America, Iran was talking shit on you today..."

TEL AVIV--Distraught over the rapt attention being paid to its benefactor's financial Ragnarok, Israel today issued a statement claiming Iran was, "like, totally talking shit on [America] during lunch today." Israeli UN Ambassador, 13 year old girl junior high student Hadassa Shalev, decided to reveal this catty lunchroom behavior because she "Just wanted to let America know how totally two-faced Iran was being and, like, how we're totally behind you 100% if you want to get all up in Iran's bitch-ass face and totally throw down."

The Chosen expounded on this statement, claiming that Iran, who always shares a table with Syria, Libya, and Lebanon, called America a "slut" and a "skanky trollop," citing as justification the superpower's trade agreements with morally dubious nations, as well as its nuclear pact with India. "Yeah, like America thinks it's all the shit and stuff," observed Iranian UN Ambassador, 14 year old cheerleader Laila Alizadeh "But we know what's going on with them. They're the two-faced bitch faces. Totally. Maybe I shouldn't be saying this, but Syria totally saw America in the bathroom throwing up right after lunch. The fatty bitch has an eating disorder, morally repugnant foreign policy, and she's shallow."

When pressed for comment George Bush's 15 year old niece and Director of Overseas Relations, Madison Herbert Walker Bush said "What. Ever. I am ready to go stomp these tramps anytime, anywhere. They know my family, we don't back down from any fight, no matter how shortsighted and stupid. I'll claw their eyes out and totally economically sanction the shit out of their little sand hole. Our foreign policy isn't tragically misguided....theirs is. Existentialistical threats and stuff. We'll wipe them off the map. I'm just glad Israel was a total sweetheart and told us what was going on. They rock!"

Insiders report that shit is totally going to go down on Tel Megiddo hill out behind Eric Bana Junior High after school this week. Sources say America and Israel are gonna totally throw down with Iran, Syria, and Lebanon just as soon as they hear the seven trumpet blasts and the fire and blood hail starts to fall.