Broken In Brief: Barely functional alcoholic enjoying single life

TUSCON--Inveterate drunk Mike "Mikey" Dunn, 28, a former drywall installation specialist, Circuit City stock clerk, high school janitor, 60-minute oil change flyer distribution engineer, and pharmaceutical test subject, announced yesterday that he has become rather comfortable with his seemingly permanent bachelor status. Dunn made the announcement from the sidewalk in front of the Applebee's from which he had just been forcibly removed after admitting he could not pay for the four mega-margaritas he had ordered over the course of the previous hour.

"Yeah, I kind of miss sex sometimes and even the most basic, normal human contact. But how else do I get to fall asleep with one hand around a half-eaten roast beef sandwich and the other around my dick? No woman is gonna put up with that. But like I always say, a man's gotta have a code. FREEEEEEEEEEEEBIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRRRRD!!!!!! WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Family members note that at this point in his life his only hope is to find a similarly high functioning female alcoholic or a two-time divorcee in her late forties willing to settle for anything and possessing almost superhuman levels of compassion and low self-esteem. With classes at Arizona State starting up again this week, the family is placing hope in the former.

After being ushered off of the chain restaurant's property, a visibly amused Dunn reiterated his intention to continue various practices, such as re-wearing underwear by turning it inside-out, expanding his collection of empty beer bottles, living his life by the standards set forth under the German Beer Purity Law, and building, "the most badass beer pong table you've ever fucking seen, man."