The old bitch barely looks 234

Happy National Eat a Flag Burger and Throw An M-80 Day. You aren't doing your part as a patriotic American unless you're wearing a t-shirt with at least three eagles, ten flags, and one reference to either war, 9/11, or freedom and the fact that the price of said freedom isn't free.

In celebration of this day I give you patriotic dogs, a documentary of our actual founding fathers and the Continental Congress, and our new anthem.

The eternal debate rolls on

One day, God willing, this pressing existential question will be answered.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.17

For those of you wondering how exactly it was that famed Baroque painter Caravaggio died or where he was buried are in luck. Italian archaeologists are 85% certain that he was buried in a Tuscany crypt... and that he died of sunstroke while in a weakened condition from the syphilis he had. Odd, that's exactly how Sean is going to die. And he thought he didn't have anything in common with the great painters.

If any of our readers have enjoyed a Gulf oyster in the last few months, I hope you enjoyed the everliving shit out of it because you might not have another one ever. In a thoroughly depressing article, Mary Tutwiler catalogues the state of the oyster industry, oyster farmers, and the oysters. Shockingly the picture isn't pretty. On the other hand, if you hate oysters, this all worked out nicely for you. Congratulations.

Over the past few decades in American society, knowing how to do something like clean a pelican was left to pelican experts, zookeepers, and the perverse coterie of freaks on Pelicanfetish.com. But now with a large percentage of them covered in oil, it's something that we all need to know. Thankfully Buzzfeed has provided us with a step by step guide to cleaning up an oily pelican; whether it's from the Gulf or just a pet pelican that got into that barrel of oil you keep out back. On the other hand this might be a setback to BP's plan to soak up all that valuable oil with all those worthless pelicans.

The one constant so far in this year's World Cup, besides people getting outraged at plastic horns, has been shockingly bad goalie gaffes. Who is at fault? The goalies? The team defense? The head coaches who put them in? No, clearly the party at fault is the girlfriends of said goalies. The UK has already taken to blaming Robert Green's ex-girlfriend for his bungled effort against the Colonies, owing to their pre-Cup breakup. Spain decided to take that extra misogynistic step forward, blaming Goaltender Iker Casillas' sideline reporter girlfriend for not only distracting him during their 1-0 loss to Switzerland, but distracting the entire team. See what happens when you let women near sports? If there's a bear attack during a game, we'll have to completely ban women from girling up serious sporting events.

Have a dog? Might you like that dog to have everlasting life? Then I give you IMMORTAL DOG!!!!!

Elected Texas idiot Joe Barton finally had to come out and apologize for his apology to BP when even the leaders of his caucus took notice on how unpopular what he said was. But he's not done apologizing, so he set up the site Joe Barton Would Like To Apologize To in order to list the various aggrieved entities like BP who deserve our sympathy.

Broken News: Adorable Puppy Fails to Fix Relationship

Above: A miserable, piece-of-shit failure

TUSCON--Their dreams of a healthy, loving, mutually beneficial union apparently dashed, local couple Benjamin Hargen and Felicia Cox have decided to blame Cuddles, the puppy they purchased last month.

Procured in a shortsighted attempt to conjure common ground in a relationship that had grown stale and unfulfilling, Cuddles has failed miserably at every turn, even going so far as to prompt several arguments between the former college sweethearts over whose turn it was to take the two-month-old lab for a walk.

"I really thought this dog would fix everything," said Hargen. "The resentment, the boredom, the twenty pounds she's packed on since we moved in together."

Cox agreed completely, adding, "I had every reason to suspect that Cuddles would encourage Ben to get off the couch once in a while. Maybe get a job or realize my vagina isn't just for show. Something to redeem the hollow coexistence that passes for love around here."

Cuddles is but the latest scapegoat in a year-long process aimed at rehabilitating a relationship neither party can even remember enjoying. Hargen and Cox had progressed through various rare plants, two gerbils, several macaws, a kitten, a ferret, another kitten, and a Vietnamese pot bellied pig named Ernesto before discovering Cuddles.

"Honestly, I'm sick of hearing about it," said Hargen's best friend, Jay McMillan. "Either Ben is bitching about his girlfriend or trolling petfinder.com for some magic fix. They just need to break it off before anything else gets hurt."

The "anything else" McMillan referred to was the first kitten, Jinx. After failing, as all other pets have, to repair this faltering relationship, Jinx was mortally wounded by the ferret that followed.

"It's kind of a just killing, if you think about it," admitted Cox. "Not that the ferret worked out in the end. The vet said it died of natural causes, but I've always suspected that ferret committed suicide. The eyes... you could see it in the eyes."

While the fate of Cuddles remains to be determined, Hargen and Cox continue to contemplate other methods of mending their broken union. While they do not have room in their apartment for larger domesticated animals such as sheep or horses, there is a more aggressive option on the table.

"We're thinking about getting pregnant," admitted Cox.

Though Hargen is receptive to the idea, referring to it as "our Hail Mary," one aspect of the scenario gives him pause.

"If the kid doesn't fix us, it's not as though I can buy a bucket, fill it with water, and dig a hole out back. Well...."

For now the couple has decided to enlist the world of international diplomacy to aid their fading relationship, hoping that an expensive European vacation will rekindle the sparks that, in hindsight, never really seemed to be there in the first place.

"I'm hoping her bullshit won't seem like so much bullshit if I'm within sight of the Eiffel Tower," explained Hargen.

"Ditto," added Cox, noting that perhaps Hargen's inadequacy as a lover would seem somehow lessened standing amongst the ruins of past civilizations.

"Failing that, we can just use one of the cities we lovelessly copulate in as a baby name. I hear that's popular," she added.

At the very least they hope the trip will give them new material to talk about when avoiding discussing the sad shambles their lives have become.

In the meantime, both hope to use the excuse of walking Cuddles as a needed respite from the smothering atmosphere of their empty home life.

"So in that respect, the dog was worth it. Who's a good boy?" asked Hargen, through gritted teeth, before kicking the puppy in the ribs.

Kanellos the Greek Protest Dog

Kanellos the Protest Dog (pictured above) has been making frequent appearances at Athens demonstrations over the past two years. Head over to the Guardian for a bunch of photos.

Clicking through the images, I find it interesting that Kanellos seems at times actively engaged in the protests, whereas in other instances he simply sits and watches the show. Thus, it's hard to guess at his politics.

Given this information, I have no reason not to believe that Kanellos is the earthly incarnation of Eris, the Greek goddess of strife, discord, contention and rivalry. Prove me wrong.

Stay classy, Arizona immigration law supporters

If the Arizona immigration law that makes you a suspicious person if you're caught breathing while Latino, has been good for one thing: the comedy resulting from those who support the law. Not so much "funny ha-ha" comedy, but more of a "oh sweet merciful Christ, these are elected representatives... in America... in 2010" kind of funny.

Even worse on the unconformable comedy of awkward discomfort scale are the people who have viewed this law as a gaslight for them to rush out and espouse their brilliant ideas about ways in which this country can go further down into a racist hole with immigration laws. Take Iowa Republican (shocking) congressional candidate Pat Bertroche

“I think we should catch ’em, we should document ’em, make sure we know where they are and where they are going,” said Pat Bertroche, an Urbandale physician. “I actually support micro-chipping them. I can micro-chip my dog so I can find it. Why can’t I micro-chip an illegal?

“That’s not a popular thing to say, but it’s a lot cheaper than building a fence they can tunnel under,” Bertroche said.

Micro-chipping every illegal immigrant? You know, maybe Georgia was on to something with their crazy "no robit hunks in mah body" law. That being said, if we could catch every single illegal immigrant to the point where we could perform invasive microchipping surgery on them... wouldn't we just cart them over the border? I mean we go to all the trouble of catching them to scientifically experiment on them and we just release them back into the wild even though they're illegal? Methinks someone needs to mull over his "Mexicans are exactly like dogs" immigration plan.

But then there's Republican (shocking~!) Rep. Duncan Hunter the Younger of California, who isn't merely content to treat immigrants like stray dogs. No, he's got a better plan.

QUESTION: Would you support deportation of natural-born American citizens that are the children of illegal aliens?

HUNTER: I would have to, yes. [...] We simply cannot afford what we’re doing right now. California is going under. How much in debt are we? Twenty billion dollars? [...] And we’re not being mean, we’re just saying it takes more than just walking across the border to become an American citizen. It’s what’s in our souls.

Yeah, fuck them. Who ever said that being born here means you're a citizen? The 14th Amendment? Balderdash! Let's repeal it and start chucking American citizens who aren't sufficiently white over the border. Their souls aren't American.

But if advanced GPS tracking, a catch and release Latino program, or grossly violating the Constitution in the name of racial paranoia aren't your thing, have you thought of just claiming all your Latin opponents of wanting to cede American soil to Santa Anna and his Mexican hordes? Then get on board with Republican (shocker) Rep. Steve King (shocker) from Iowa (shocker).

I’m wondering if we look at the map of Congressman Grijalva’s congressional district if we haven’t already ceded that component of Arizona to Mexico judging by the voice that comes out of him, he’s advocating for Mexico rather than the United States and against the rule of law, which is one of the central pillars of American exceptionalism.

He is of course talking about Rep. Raul Grijalva, a Latino himself and Arizona representative, who decried the law and advocated that people boycott Arizona in response. Of course that means he doesn't sufficiently love America, is probably a Latin sleeper agent, hates the law, freedom, and baby eagles, and is probably the point man for the Mexican Reconquista movement. Aztlan!

So stay classy everyone. I know we all though that a re-fried bean swastika was about as low as the debate could sink. But we didn't count on the prides of Iowa and a second generation half-witted reactionary race-baiter deciding that this was the perfect opportunity to offer up their brilliant ideas on better ways to dehumanize entire swaths of the US population. Wonderful. It wells me up with so much pride for the country.

Are you sure this didn't happen in America?

Today in News You Had To Read Twice Because You Were Certain It Happened In America, But Nope, It Was Australia news:

In May 2009, Ian Jolly, 57, was attempting to dine at the Thai Spice restaurant in Adelaide, when he was refused entry after staff misheard his female companion, and thought his "guide dog" was a "gay dog."

"The staff genuinely believed that Nudge was an ordinary pet dog which had been desexed to become a gay dog," the owners said in a statement to South Australia's Equal Opportunity Tribunal.

Maybe I'm just one of those permissive gay dog enablers who tolerates the wanton sinning of homosexual animals, but what is it about a gay dog that makes it different from a straight dog in terms of wanting it in a restaurant? Doesn't the wait staff know that the gay dog would probably tip better? But hey, that explanation from the owners sure cleared it all up.

I just wish Australia would take the steps we take when dealing with gay dogs: let them appear on our television programs, but not allow them to sniff out bombs or drugs as an official US Government employee.

Broken in Brief: Westminster Kennel Club Judge "Can't Tell These Fuckin' Dogs Apart"

NEW YORK—Nearly a week after the 134th annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, a frustrated and distraught show judge has revealed that he has very little understanding of the differences between the breeds of dogs that he was supposed to be evaluating.

“I have no idea what I am doing or how I ascended to this position. I cannot tell these fuckin’ dogs apart,” revealed head judge for the prestigious event, Dr. David Winsleydale, at his summer home.

“What is a terrier? What classifies a dog into the sporting group? How can I tell how good a retriever is if it’s just standing there, not retrieving? My God, I am at a loss. I just picked a friendly one that kind of looked like the dog my grandkids got and hurried out before anyone could ask me questions.”

The dog in question, a Scottish Terrier by the name of Roundtown Mercedes of Maryscot, was said to perplex Dr. Winsleydale on several fronts, notably the fact that it had never been to Scotland. But the Doctor noted that he was comforted by the fact that the dog seemed to be confused as he was as to its purpose for being there, which endeared it to him.

“I figured we were in the same boat,” said the Doctor while he stared perplexingly at the family Labrador. “I mean I was just classifying them as ‘longs’, ‘talls’, ‘shorts’, ‘wides’, and ‘thins’ and handing out awards based on which dog was the tallest or fattest. But then in later rounds they were all in the same groups and I had no idea what to do. I just gave it to a dog that cocked its head quizzically at me.”

“A Scottish Terrier? I don’t even begin to know what that is or what makes a good one.”

It is unclear what will happen to Dr. Winsleydale now that this revelation has come forth, but the Westminster Kennel Club has said they will take action just as soon as they grapple with the quandary of how one can even begin to separate and compare qualities of excellence between multitudes of differing breeds.

I have seen the future

Glenn Beck mugging and barking (yes, barking) his way through a typically incoherent rant:


Glenn Beck, three weeks from now:


When he starts shooting people in the night, don't say I didn't warn you New York.

Art of the day

Coco, walking into the sunset.

The sunset, of course, being September on a non-NBC network making around $30 million a year after taking a buyout from NBC that amounted to around $40 million, depending on various estimates.

*sniff* That poor bastard.

Incompetent dogs

What with the whole "Joan Rivers is a terrorist"/"that actual terrorist isn't a terrorist" thing, you might think that it's only the humans at the TSA who are incompetent. You would be wrong.

Several TSA security dogs serving at Philadelphia International Airport have been removed from active service due to issues with their training, officials said Tuesday.

The dogs, which are typically used to detect drugs, bombs and other potential security threats, failed their recertification training. They were unable to distinguish the scents of explosive materials, officials said.
...
The affected dogs have been undergoing an intensive rehab training program since the failure, but they remain on-duty to act as visual deterrents, officials said. Philadelphia Police K-9 units are not affected and still being used at the airport.

Great, now we don't even have the most accomplished ass and crotch sniffers in our security apparatus out there searching for weaponized undergarments and high tech groin explosives. Sadly it seems the dogs were subjected to the Philly school system and sports culture and as such were rendered mentally unfit. Thankfully it is Philadelphia, so right now the best deterrent to would be suicide bombers is that they would actually have to go to Philly to blow part of it up and they obviously wouldn't want to do that. It's too dangerous.

So not only is the TSA leaderless and it's employees seemingly unable to perform their jobs, the animals we've hired aren't even able to correctly use their noses to smell stuff. Surely there is something working correctly at the TSA, right? Perhaps a copier that makes good copies, a coffee machine that is ably letting hot water filter through coffee grounds into a pot, perhaps a Roomba that is keeping the office tidy, or a janitor that has properly mopped the floor and competently put up "wet floor" signs? We'll just trust that there is and that a typical TSA office isn't full of Clouseau-esque bumblers getting their hands bitten by dogs or falling down stairs and destroying suits of armor.

But that's probably an accurate description.

Definitions

cour⋅age
–noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery.
2. Obsolete. the heart as the source of emotion.
3. Earning millions of dollars as a backup QB after an incident where you murdered dogs for fun and profit and went to jail.

Example:

Michael Vick’s peers appreciate his tough journey back to the NFL. Vick won the Ed Block Courage Award, voted on by his teammates on the Philadelphia Eagles. The once-disgraced star quarterback returned to the league after spending 18 months in a federal prison for his role in a dogfighting ring.
...
”I’ve overcome a lot, more than probably one single individual can handle or bear,” Vick said. ”You ask certain people to walk through my shoes, they probably couldn’t do.

hu⋅mil⋅i⋅ty
–noun
1. the quality or condition of being humble; modest opinion or estimate of one's own importance, rank, etc.
2. having the balls to claim that overcoming the media and legal scrutiny that came as a result of your own crippling stupidity and despicable personhood is some point of pride while simultaneously claiming that the 99.9% of the populace that isn't dumb enough to do what you did couldn't ever show the courage you did, again failing to note that this whole situation was of your own making.

Video of the day

From the CW's One Tree Hill, which shows us the nightmarish future of our new lives under Obamacare.



Dogs in hospitals, human organs stored loose inside ice machine ice and gas station coolers, clumsy couriers, floors that probably weren't clean either, and implausibly terrible TV dramas on our airwaves. This is what we've wrought, America. I hope you're happy.

Headline of the day

Vermont Supreme Court To Decide What A Dog's Love Is Worth

Let me help: A dog's love is worth the price of whatever it is you're eating when said dog has stopped plotting against you and befouling your lawn long enough to pretend to like you in a naked attempt to get a piece of what you're eating, or at least a chance to lick the plate.

All things being equal, it's the cost of a moderately priced sandwich.

Broken In Brief: Man to market puppies based on cute breed name, unholy science

GREEN BAY—Today area dog breeder Stephen Walden announced that he was about to undertake an extensive operation to breed hundreds of dogs for the mass consumer market, based entirely on the cleverness of the breed name he thought up.

“It has become apparent to me that Americans are no longer satisfied with mere Labradors and retrievers,” said Walden in his announcement in the local Penny Saver. “No, they must have some breed name that is so cute and frilly and so sugary sweet that in damn near rots your teeth out. I am of course referring to labradoodles, yorkiepoos, schnoodles, poochons, and various and sundry abominations against God. It is in this vein that I would like to announce my newest creation: the Bagel. Orders will be taken at $500 bucks a puppy.”

When contacted for further comment, Walden was quick to admit that the proposed combination, that of the Lord’s two cruel jokes on dog-loving mankind, the basset and the beagle, didn’t sound in the least bit like a good idea. But he noted that in these tough economic times and with some new cutesy named “-oodle” breed cutting into his golden retriever puppy business every week, that simple marketing warranted this new step, creating a horrible new breed be damned.

Walden hopes to have the new dogs ready for sale after the gestational process is completed, “whenever that is”, and anticipates families regretting their purchase and lamenting their trend-based animal buying within a month after taking the dogs home, when the animals begin to exhibit symptoms of a long, painful series of debilitating genetic shortcomings.

Chart of the day

Because it's a slow news day for anyone who doesn't want to obsess over the governorship of states they don't live in, we'll look at this interesting chart from Wired Science. It's based around a recent study done in New Zealand that tried to calculate the ecological footprints of our pets. Why? Because eco-snobs need something else to sneer at. Plus, after society collapses large dogs are going to be the new SUV's, compact terriers are going to be the new hybrids, and we'll all cry ourselves to sleep at night, so it's best to figure out classifications and carbon footprints now.

What they did find out is that we use 294 thousand square miles of land to feed our pets in America, roughly bigger than the size of Texas. Now I know what you're saying, "Hey, we've finally found a use for Texas", but it isn't that simple. Since our elected betters, when they aren't busy humping a pile of coal or denying global warming's existence, have recently taken to knocking solar power because of the land it uses, Wired decided to measure how much land it would take to solve all of the United States' power needs using solar. The answer is 16,602 square miles of desert land, or 17 times less land than we use for pet food.

Now I'm sure to the Natalie Portmans of the world, this just means we should burn our dogs for fuel instead of eating them. But I won't eat or burn my dog, Natalie, no matter how hot you are! But this, like the fact that we don't bat an eyelash on spending $680 billion a year on defense (without even factoring in our wars) but have a problem with $90 billion a year for health care, kind of puts a strange face on where Americans place their priorities. Now plow up that solar array, hippie, I'm buying two St. Bernard's.

Broken In Brief: Goddamn worthless fucking dog hears man, doesn't care

WILKES-BARRE—Oh for the love of God, area man and former pet lover Mark Gibbons cannot believe his fucking dog isn’t fucking listening to him. That goddamn mongrel, which Gibbons knows can fucking hear him, is just standing over there at the far corner of the yard, smelling its own piss spots or maybe chewing on a bunch of rabbit turds. Whatever that dimwitted fleabag is doing, it's obviously something that piece-of-shit animals are free to do when they don’t have to go to work at five in the fucking morning.

“Look at that shit! The fucker just looked at me when I said its name,” the exasperated man exclaimed as he counted off the minutes he was going to be late to work. “Oh! Now it’s gone back to walking in circles and sniffing the goddamned ground like there's some skier trapped in a cockin' avalanche. Fuck this shit! I know you can hear me!”

The dog, a rotten beagle mix named Tuffy from the fucking shelter who is clearly retarded or something, apparently doesn’t know how close it is to just getting left the fuck outside all day. The moronic creature apparently thinks it has he survival skills to brave a day in the suburbs, which it most assuredly does fucking not.

As of press time-- oh, mother of fucking bleeding baby Jesus, did you fucking see how that little shit walked further away as Gibbons approached its mangy, freeloading ass? According to area reports, this goddamned dog doesn’t know what kind of trouble it’s fucking in for.

Yes, this product actually exists

It's official, clearly advertised on the Eagles website, and no, you can't get it personalized to say "Vick 7" or "Mexico 7" on the back. Only humans are allowed to look that dumb. Sure they signed a reviled dog killer/subpar NFL QB, but don't they at least want to go the whole 9 and have complete ironic/kitschy fun with it?

It's unclear if the Eagles will release a team branded rape stand or fight pit mat.

Quote of the day

Hey, anybody hear anything about this Michael Vick thing? I heard he signed with the Eagles but I haven't been able to find any other mention of it on radio, TV, print, or the internet. I thought someone would cover it.

Oh, Pittsburgh sports afficionado Dave Dameshek of ESPN gave it a mention

Vick: "I paid my debt; I spent 2 years in prison." Would've been cute if he'd finished the thought with: "That's 14 years in dog years."

Would've been enough to win me over to his side.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 08.11

In healthcare debate, 'reality' is in dispute
The LA Times looks at the extensive lengths supporters have to go to in order to fight opponents who question the very nature of truth and reality on a daily basis. They even had to create a website and videos to assure people that Obama wasn't going to garrote your grandmother at her weekly canasta game. He's much to crafty for that, he'll just order one of the car companies he now owns to give her defective brakes.

Newspaper Ad Revenue to Recover
If by recover you mean "rise slightly". 2.4%! With a chance that by 2014 ad revenue will increase by almost 8%! That's right, the print media barely gets to see its ad revenues rise with inflation and this is being hailed as the end of newspapers' slide. Sorry, it's just a longer than expected death rattle which at the end of you'll have to figure out a better plan than "fire all the experienced people", "curse Craigslist with every breath", and "hire more discredited neoconservative columnists".

How House Bill Runs Over Grandma
Investor's Business Daily, in their quest to discredit themselves as badly on health care as the preceding years have discredited them on investing and business, tries its hand at scaring you about your grandma's impending government sanctioned murder. The best example they have is the case of the UK's NHS and Stephen Hawking, who they claim wouldn't have a chance at survival in England's socialist health care system. This despite the fact that Hawking is English (that robot voice with the American accent does tend to confuse things), has lived with NHS care his entire life, and is, you know, still alive. Nice try though IBD, maybe next time.

‘Worse Than Doing Nothing At All’
Turns out the Justice Department may finally start prosecuting torture. But alas, in true American fashion, will only actually go after the lowest level operative who did it. Apparently they had no superiors who ordered them to do it after it had been made an official tactic by branch heads on the orders of the White House. Funny how that always turns out to be the case. It's always the grunts and only ever the grunts.

The Future Of Sushi: Farms?
Hope you don't like sushi, or really the entire species of bluefin tuna. Because they're pretty much going to be completely extinct in about 3-5 years unless some severely drastic measures are taken. It has something to do with the fact that fisherman overfish the stocks by three times the legal limit while no one does anything about it and that current fishing levels are about 4 times what they would need to be to not make the bluefin go extinct. Ah well, that Charlie Tuna character was kind of an asshole. He deserves this.

Amy's fairground attraction
You see what's happening, gay marriage advocates? You laughed at us for suggesting that gay marriage might lead us down a slippery slope towards marrying a dog, or two dogs, or sentient robots, or three dogs, or a robot dog, but know a British woman is going to marry a roller coaster. A roller coaster that may in fact be dog themed. Is this the perverse future you envisioned? Just keep your damned hands off Space Mountain, that sassy lady is mine.