Republicans, we have found your teabag king

With Sarah Palin roaming the countryside promoting her book in a hellstorm of lies, ignorant policy statements, lies, softball interviews, lies, and petty gamesmanship, we are left with no doubt that she is the charming dainty Queen of the Grand Duchy of Teabaggery. Ahh, but who will rule alongside her in political irrelevance? Many suitors have tried to claim the crown, but few have succeeded, letting the taint of rationality and moderation scuttle their ascension. Thankfully, Doug Hoffman has stepped up to the plate.

Oh, you thought he went away when his carpetbagging maelstrom of teabagging wisdom and local ignorance cause the people of NY-23 to elect the first Democrat there since whites owned blacks? Nope! On the advice of Glenn Beck (bonus points~!), Hoffman has not only unconceded the race he already lost and for which the winner, Bill Owns, has already been sworn in for and is casting votes in the House for, but has unveiled a conspiracy so deep and so nefarious that it will no doubt shake the very core of teabagger society.

“As evidence surfaces, we find out that reported results from election night were far from accurate. ACORN and the unions did their best to try and sway the results to Obamacare supporter Bill Owens," Hoffman wrote on his campaign site. "Rest assured, they will not succeed, and I am therefore revoking my statement of concession.”
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"The people of NY-23 deserve to have their ballots counted properly, but we can't let ACORN or the unions keep that from happening. They have more lawyers and more experience tampering with democracy," he wrote.

"We need to make sure that fair elections are a reality in NY-23, just like our Founding Fathers envisioned. So long as we remain the "land of the free," we MUST ensure every vote is counted. Help us today so we may be the first of many conservative victories during the Obama Regime."

Dougy, Dougy, Dougy, aren't we forgetting the black hand of...well.....blacks, illegal immigrants and abortion doctors that helped steal this election from your deserving hands? Surely ACORN and labor unions alone couldn't derail this Hoffman juggernaut, could it? No, it was a conspiracy. ACORN has even gotten to Oswego County GOP Chairman George Williams and made him deny the truth. To the beverage aisle of your local supermarket, teabaggers! Your new king is going to need a lot of visible tea bag support and birth certificate analysis. Good luck. Expose this fraud for what it is.

Headline of the day

Conservatives on NY-23: We didn't lose

The last time there was a Democrat in that seat, white people could still own black people.

You lost.

Broken In Brief: Gossip journalist spends 2 hours each morning convincing herself her work is important

NEW YORK—In an altogether unsurprising revelation, gossip reporter Mary Haren, a “journalist” with Us Weekly, has revealed that most mornings it takes her nearly two hours of psychological motivation about the importance and necessity of her job before she can muster the self esteem required to even go to her office.

“Those are the days when I can even look at myself in the mirror,” she said, suppressing the urge to harm herself. “I just think, what’s the point? Do I exist only to create fake relationships between two celebrities who happened to be photographed together and force teenage starlets into bouts of depression garnished with eating disorders? Wouldn’t the world be a much better place if Us Weekly, People, Perez Hilton, Access Hollywood, OK!, The E! Channel, Star, the paparazzi, and about 70 other magazine staffs and TV shows were flown into space and then jettisoned out an airlock?”

“But then I think about how much I deserve to be famous and how that despite rave reviews from my parents for that high school play I was in, Hollywood still conspired to lock me out of the acting career I so richly deserved. Then I get angry and I’m able to do my job,” Haren finished, having sufficiently summoned the requisite self-delusion and bitter spite she needs to continue on with her shallow, insubstantial existence.

But Haren contends that despite a morning spent creating a news piece whereupon she derides female celebrities that are five pounds overweight by celebrity standards, but 40 pounds underweight my medical standards as ”fat”, that she still has a functioning human soul.

“I mean I have to agonize over it in the morning, right? That means I’m still recognizable as a member of the human race. At least that’s what I tell myself when I get home.”

HBO Films presents "Ted Haggard: No Seriously, I'm Not Gay."

We all remember Ted haggard, right? The disgraced leader of the National Association of Evangelicals and pastor who got caught nailing rent boys in meth fueled orgies? Ring a bell? He's back, in a HBO documentary directed by Nancy Pelosi's daughter.

Disgraced evangelical leader Ted Haggard says in a new documentary that he still struggles with his sexuality yet is committed to his marriage for the sake of his children.
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He confessed to undisclosed "sexual immorality" and has said, "I really did sin."

The Gazette of Colorado Springs reported Thursday that in the documentary, Haggard talks about a lifelong battle with his sexuality _ and that he never claimed to be heterosexual.
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"The Trials of Ted Haggard," directed by Alexandra Pelosi, daughter of U.S. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, is set to air Jan. 29 on HBO. The Associated Press reported Wednesday that Haggard has agreed to promote the documentary.

I don't know Ted, getting married, having kids, and living a couple decades of a lie seems like a pretty bold statement of heterosexuality. This looks good, he's going to continue to deny that he's gay, deny that he used drugs, and never come to any realization that his constant struggles are the very result of his self loathing and refusal to admit to himself who he is, so he should be A-OK going forward. Plus, he already said he was cured of homosexuality during his exile, so everything is all right. He's totally not going to commit suicide in the next few years. 

Ted, the sin is one of massive hypocrisy, not having "the gay". Anyway, next month get ready for some discomfort and self delusion. Trailer here.

There are more Joes?

I have here two valuable pieces of intelligence seized from McCain Deputy Campaign Manager Christian Ferry's latest email to "supporters." Maybe someday soon I'll grow tired of posting and responding to these inane missives from young staffers, newly single and ten pounds heavier courtesy of the campaign lifestyle, clicking ruefully at their computers as fewer and fewer people show up each day to volunteer for a lost cause. Maybe someday. But not today.

Anyway, many Bothans died to bring us this information...

Dear Supporter,

Last night, you saw John McCain win the final debate of the general election.

No, Chrisitan, last night I saw a bitter old man bury his campaign under a shitpile of baseless accusations and unfortunate facial expressions. I've no doubt that you saw Senator McCain win the debate. Then again, you probably also see Uwe Boll movies and wisdom in the Flat Tax.

We know that John McCain is prepared to bring bold solutions to solve our nation's challenges. He'll fight for the "Joe the Plumbers," "Joe the Florists" and "Joe the Carpenters" of America to reduce taxes and allow more men and women to realize the American Dream.

Plumbers? Florists? Carpenters? How many of these assholes are there? Are we to believe there is an Army of Joe lurking in the flatlands, licking its wounds and reloading before marching on the polls in a few weeks? As much as I appreciate the warning, can't we eradicate this separatist group before the election? If the original piece of disingenuous, fame-hungry garbage is any indication, this country needs no part of another Joe T. Occupation.

Brainlord McCain knows all Iraqi thoughts

Here is a New Republic transcript of a Today Show interview with John McCain. Key line:

"I have been there too many times. I've met too many times with him, and I know what they want. They want it based on conditions and of course they would like to have us out, that's what happens when you win wars, you leave. We may have a residual presence there as even Senator Obama has admitted. But the fact is that it should be -- the agreement between Prime Minister Maliki, the Iraqi government and the United States is it will be based on conditions. This is a great success, but it's fragile, and could be reversed very easily. I think we should trust the word of General Petraeus who has orchestrated this dramatic turnaround."

In essence: don't listen to anything that the Iraqis say. Listen to John McCain, he's been to Iraq a couple of times so he really knows what the Iraqis secretly want. Don't be fooled, what they want isn't what they say, only John McCain can divine their true intentions because he went to Iraq. This is Obama's second trip, they don't teach you Iraqi mind reading until the fourth, don't listen to him. Also Petraeus should be listened to instead of Iraqis, because he probably agrees with what McCain wants. McCain knows all Iraqi thoughts. McCain is the All Seer.

Self aggrandizing narcissism and self-delusion to the point where you think you're the only expert. This seems like a winner, John. Keep it up.

9/11 billboard guy exactly as you imagined

Remember the 9/11 billboard guy? You should, it was two days ago. If you thought he was just an idiot, trying to exploit a terrorist attack for his own gain, well.....you were giving him too much credit.

Seems he got all his Global War on Terra learnin' from passing in and out of consciousness during Hannity's radio show, that grossly inaccurate ABC Path to 9/11 TV movie, and apparently what he pieced together from the comment threads at Free Republic. He also dresses like a discount pimp.

Thumbs up our asses

A Shortage Of Troops in Afghanistan

The nation's top military officer said yesterday that more U.S. troops are needed in Afghanistan the Pentagon does not have sufficient forces to send because they are committed to the war in Iraq. to tamp down an increasingly violent insurgency, but that

Navy Adm. Michael G. Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said insurgent Taliban and extremist forces in Afghanistan have become "a very complex problem," one that is tied to the extensive drug trade, a faltering economy and the porous border with Pakistan. Violence in Afghanistan has increased markedly over recent weeks, with June the deadliest month for U.S. troops since the war began in 2001.

"I don't have troops I can reach for, brigades I can reach, to send into Afghanistan until I have a reduced requirement in Iraq," Mullen told reporters at the Pentagon. "Afghanistan has been and remains an economy-of-force campaign, which by definition means we need more forces there."

This is what Iraq costs. We can't fight the actual terrorists because we're presiding over a civil war. We can't even hope to draw down in Iraq and spend the time and effort to destroy al Qaeda and the Taliban in Pakistan until 2011.

The best part is Bush promising something will get done in 2009 and there will be more troops for Afghanistan. Well, way to put your balls on the line George. You'll hopefully be in the early stages of prosecution in 2009, but you definitely won't be in charge. As for more troops, unless you're holding on to a third wish (1st wish: be President, 2nd wish: jam with Skynyrd) we still don't and won't have the numbers to fight either war properly.

He also credits himself with the rise of voodoo in baseball

Dennis Haysbert: I Helped Pave Obama's Way

"If anything, my portrayal of David Palmer, I think, may have helped open the eyes of the American people," said the actor, who has contributed $2,300 to the Illinois Democrat's presidential campaign.

Hillary Clinton sits at home right now, alone, holding a copy of Commander in Chief in her hands, a single tear streaming down her cheek. If only ABC had pushed this show harder, Geena Davis might have paved Hillary's way to the White House.

She slowly walks over to the near wall and punches it as hard as she can. "Why couldn't the new Battlestar Galactica been bigger!!" she cries out in anguish, distraught the public at large does not know the name of Laura Roslin. In the fireplace, she burns her copy of Deep Impact.

She weeps to herself. A soft, summer rain falls. In the distance, a rich dog howls.

FIN.