Tea Party: The Movie

I didn't see Christopher Guest or Eugene Levy anywhere, but it looks right in the vein of Waiting for Guffman and Best in Show. I guess they must be under heavy makeup. Strange there's no punchline.

This is a mockumentary....right?

Your look at the blinding stupidity of the Super Bowl of Freedom

Image via Matthew Yglesias. Stay classy, tea baggers!

The horror.....the horror.

Jon Voight invoked Rev. Jeremiah Wright in his speech, saying “the lies and deception are blatant... Maybe it was the 20 years of sub-conscious programming by Rev Wright to damn America."
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"Palin/Bachmann 2012," came a shout from the crowd
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Another hero of the movement, Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-N.C.), has been autographing tea bags for the crowd and is wearing a jacket covered in pins and stickers reading “Yes! Freedom!”
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Many are holding signs that echo their distrust of Obama and their belief that he is pursuing socialist policies.

One sign read: "Obama takes his orders from the Rothchilds," a reference to theories of Jewish world dominance centered around the prominent Jewish family of Rothschilds.

• Eric Cantor: "Be assured not one Republican will vote for this bill," Cantor said, to big cheers and shouts of "Kill the bill."
• Paul Broun: Fellow patriots, go tell your Congressman, you're not going to eat this rotten stinking fish that is -- Pelosi health care! We are going to put a stop sign in front of her steamroller of socialism! Go to it, patriots!
• Virginia Foxx and Pete Hoekstra: Democrats "wanna take your freedoms away," Hoekstra said. Later, Foxx called the bill a "freedom-killer." "This Congress is on a collision course with the principles of freedom and liberty that our Founding Fathers bled and died for," she said.
• John Boehner: "This bill is the greatest threat to freedom that I've seen in the 19 years I've been in Washington."

Can I even add anything to this...the SUPER BOWL OF FREEDOM? Holocaust photos, Jewish banking conspiracies, teabag signings by an idiot who thinks that health reform is a bigger threat than terrorism, Ultraamericanfreedolibertypatriots like Todd Aiken unable to remember the Pledge of Allegiance, people seriously wishing that Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin would challenge Obama/Biden in 2012 (I want it to happen too, but for the sake of comedy and schadenfreude), endless cries from actual elected leaders that an attempt to make health care more available and cheaper to people is the greatest threat in the history of freedom, and a litany of fear-mongering over imagined proposals and plans that are nowhere near this weak, third rate health care reform bill that, incidentally, was endorsed by the AARP and AMA.

Gaze into the madness, America. If your hair starts to turn white and insanity overwhelms you, then you stared too long. Good thing the GOP is going to go after their last remaining moderates in a desperate bid to appeal to these people, I was worried for a second that large scale Democratic incompetence was going to have some repercussions in 2010. Now the only alternative to socialism is a lunatic wearing a teabag wreath shouting about Kenyan infiltration. Thanks GOP, you looked at the big slice of crazy pie that Bachmann was eating and asked her to cut you a big slice. You're incapable of learning and I appreciate it.

The future

I feel you need to see something. It is possibly the purest distillation of everything crazy the fringe right wing has concocted about Barack Hussein Obama in the few short months he's been elected. It might be the greatest thing ever. Even better yet, it's an online game. Gaze upon the majesty of the United States of Earth.


And that's just the banner at the top of the page! There's a whole treasure trove underneath it.

The United States is a creation of "racists and warmongers," Obama says to a stunned America, and is to be replaced by the North American People's Union. In the course of this very broadcast, Obama, with two simple pen strokes, signs the "treaties" into law. One dissolves the United States and its Constitution, and the other disarms what is left of the gun-owning United States citizenry, as part and parcel of a United Nations Treaty to ban all firearms, which had already been signed into law by over 40 nations. The Marxist Coup Had begun!
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Private ownership of firearms has been outlawed, and Obama promises a new era of equality and peace. Unfortunately for Obama, Americans will not act like the sheep he has taken them for. Revolution begins.

That's right and all that follows reads like the fevered dream of a Glenn Beck viewer who has Red Dawn on a constant loop on his TV. Someone who has read the Turner Diaries over...and over and over and over again until hand & penis chafing resulting from constantly masturbating to it forces him to stop.

Because simply providing a few warped paragraphs on our all but certain future would hardly sustain the game, there are also breaking news updates of the things that are going on....in the future. Some of the headlines: Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck Found Dead in Camp, Former V.P. Joe Biden Captured Outside Arlington, Michelle Malkin and Andrew Breitbart Prevail, Hillary Clinton narrowly Evades Militia Near Fredericksburg, Sarah Palin The Patriot Leads Revolt Against Hamas. That's right the story line encompasses a world where Hamas aligns itself with Obama, engages in door to door beheadings of disloyal Americans, and are finally beaten back by the combined strength of armies led by Palin, Malkin, and Breitbart. Not to mention a scenario where Joe Biden is captured after a Sean Hannity led Texas Militia kills Joe's Islamic Warrior Guard. Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh killed in FEMA camps. A Mexico/Canada/America super country.

I literally cannot do the full scope of this site justice. Go check it out. It is not possible to parody this site. It is so serious and so insane that it parodies itself completely and thoroughly. You will never find anything that sums up the Beck/Teabagger mindset better.

This man is crazy

Last night in the House former soldier Rep. Patrick Murphy (D- PA) decided to organize a group of floor speeches that supported the repeal of the military's Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. Of course that meant those who opposed it could come up to speak as well and.....we'll say they didn't disappoint. That is if you find bizarre, rambling, incoherent rants about bestiality and Nazi's happening on the floor of the House to be a non-disappointing development.

Let Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX...of course) explain. After decrying DADT as perverse social experimentation, he turned his real to what he really feared: all those gay dudes who he knows totally want him and are going make "the butt sex" with him how outraged he is that we're considering laws like the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Bill and making hate crimes illegal..

If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions, [...] pedophiles or necrophiliacs or what most would say is perverse sexual orientations
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But people have always been willing to give up their liberties, their freedoms in order to gain economic stability. It happened in 1920 and 1930’s. Germany gave up their liberties to gain economic stability and they got a little guy with a mustache, who was the ultimate hate monger.

That's right, if we take away people's rights to use murder and violence as a form of terrorism to intimidate gays then we're just on a slippery slope towards legalizing bestiality, necrophilia, and pedophilia. Hate crimes are an American right and if we take that right away we're going to become Nazi's. He then meandered into a discussion on how he's not a racist because he voted for Alan Keyes, before walking away, leaving a stunned caucus to contemplate what the fuck it is they just listened to. So...uh yeah. Unless we keep throwing gays out of the military and keep allowing hate crimes, we're going to turn into Nazi Germany where fucking dead underage animals replaces church. Makes sense to me.

Quote of the day

Today it's a lovely little ditty from the Values Voter Summit, in which the Young America Foundation's Jason Mattera decides to take it upon himself to trenchantly sum up the sheer intellectual weight associated with the last decade or so of Republican party policy and politics:

If conservatives (David) smite liberals (Goliath), they will be rewarded with the hot conservative women, just like King Saul promised his daughter to the warrior who slew the evil giant. “You know his daughter must have been beautiful because there’s no guy whose gonna die for an ugly girl,” Mattera chortled. “Our women are hot. We have Michelle Malkin. Who does the left have, Rachel Maddow? Sorry, I prefer that my women not look like dudes.”

Well, I'd check that Adam's apple on Ann Coutler before I get too excited there Skippy. Still, I must say I do applaud Mr. Mattera. I've been trying for years to combine tit ogling, the Bible, and the implication that the yelling lady on the TV is thiiiiiiiis close to banging me and all my like minded friends for our services to the movement into a serious argument for my beliefs. Just haven't been able to cobble it together.

Uh....this is a....legitimate...concern

Rush Limbaugh, on being mentioned in a new Jay-Z song

"I did not know I was on anybody's balls"

A comment which he segued into after he unleashed the greatest conspiracy theory about Obama that I have ever heard: that Obama wants to force everyone to get circumcised

"I would remind Mr. Z that it is President Obama that wants to mandate circumcision.....If we need to save our penises from anybody, it's Obama."

Yeah....uh...anyone want to print up a couple thousand "Stay away from my penis, Barry" or "Obama: foreskin thief" t-shirts? I have a feeling that these will sell well at the next round of teabagger protests.

Death panels

I don't want to alarm anyone, but These Bastards has received video evidence from Glenn Beck himself on Obamacare's death panels, in which the elderly are killed to benefit society as a whole/for shits and giggles. These are the two proposals that the socialists in Congress have devised. The first is a more futuristic take, in which randomly selected participants are thrown into the air and killed in a sparking explosion in front of a chanting crowd and Michael York (or his requisite American equivalent) is tasked to hunt us down with laser guns should we run.

The second is the more classic "death panel" that has been discussed, in which we are allowed to commit a doctor assisted suicide in front of an HD display while pleasant music plays and Charlton Heston and Dick Van Patten grieve over our sacrifice. As yet undecided is if our bodies are then sent to a factory to be processed into a green food cube.

This is the future of health care. Pure laser exploding, Heston saddening socialism. We'll get to vote on the one we prefer in a referendum in December. Hope you're happy liberals.

Broken News: Obama unleashes new rash of imaginary laws

His Lordship and one of his High Daemon Secretaries, moments before eradicating the bedrock of American greatness.

RUSH LIMBAUGH'S MIND—Today the shadowy veil of deception dropped as the 44th President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama, announced a new litany of laws set to bedevil the hearts and minds of a beleaguered American populace. From his throne of skulls inside his chamber of horrors, the swarthy Muslim self-styled God-king spoke of a need to “…stifle the free market, hamper productivity, desecrate Reagan’s grave, and besmirch the vast intellectual fruits of the still vibrant conservative movement.”

First on the President’s agenda was a signing ceremony for the resurrection of the Fairness Doctrine. The original law, meant to ensure airtime was provided to contrasting views on vital and controversial matters, was discarded by President Reagan in 1985. The new bill, signed into law with a pen made of Hitler’s femur and filled with children's spinal fluid, will force broadcasters to forcibly transmit Obama’s mind-controlling frequencies while in turn requiring conservative commentators to cease broadcast five times per hour and genuflect in front of a portrait of Jimmy Carter.

“Oh, it's fucking diabolical,” said Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel as he wiped his bloody penis on a flag and spit on the frightened young boys cowering in the corner. “First we brandish our liberal propaganda all over the airwaves, making the liberal media -- which we cleverly hid inside large conservative mega-corporations -- even more liberal... as if that were even fucking possible! After the population has learned to embrace cowardice, health care, and Roquefort cheese, we’ll go after the only form of resistance remaining: conservative radio. Oh, at first they’ll resist, but once our newly commissioned Thought Police puts their arms up behind their backs in a really painful way, they’ll change their tune. How’s ‘Give Peace a Chance’ sound?”

“But perhaps I’ve said too much,” he laughed maniacally while holding down the big, red button on his desk labeled "Current to Michael Steele's testicles."

From there the plan is to introduce to Congress the Freedom of Choice Act. This radical new pro-abortion plan will actually pay women to have abortions, with the dollar amount doubling with each procedure. The plan also offers a 50% bonus for any abortion performed by an illegal immigrant doctor; 75% if the woman can find a Mexican day laborer working a job an American used to do to perform the task. The FoCA, which previously had never been heard of or even conceived of outside of mailers for anti-abortion and religious groups seeking donations, ideally will be signed in a burning church after the violent abolition of all organized religion.

“Ah-ha! Jesus H-shitting Christ, I fucking Goddamn knew it!” shouted Catholic League President, CEO, Board of Directors associate, and sole member Bill Donohue, when contacted about this revelation while he picketed the general immoral existence of non-Catholics. “People just thought we and every other fundamentalist sect were trolling for money just because no one had ever heard of this FOCA plan we said was in imminent danger of passing. Who’s laughing now?”

“I can’t wait to see our quarterly donation reports after this passes!” he said before moving on to chastise a group of pre-teen girls, who were walking into a screening of the Jonas Brothers movie, for cooperating with evil by helping to support the gay death style of a depraved liberal Hollywood.

Already new atrocities are being enacted to further enslave America in Obama’s liberal totalitarian police state. Already ‘NObama’ bumper stickers and shirts are being rounded up and burned, as well as the immediate confiscation of placards referring to the President as ‘That One’.

In fact the only vagaries of these new imaginary laws are whether or not Obama has decided to crush the opposition quickly, say by making them accept all the funds he allocated them in the recent stimulus atrocity, or by slowly killing the American spirit, perhaps by slowly improving the health of citizens through a magical socialist pyramid of health coverage schemes. Already the seeds of revolution are being planted, with new, sparsely attended ‘American Tea Parties’, where patriots gather in the dozens to confusedly support the financial sectors who are under siege from shifty minority homeowners.

When told of these flowerings of opposition, a haughty and presumptuous Obama simply laughed, lightning flashing in the distance, and said “No mere mortal can stop the onslaught of socialism.” He motioned to have reporters taken away before he moved to dangerously plunge this country further into imaginary totalitarianism.