The sparkly vampires are winning the war

An unsolicited ad for Stallone's upcoming Kersplode!!!! The Movie.



They had me at Dolph. Free pair of camouflage trucknuts with every ticket purchase.

Eat it, women. How dare you have entertainment that caters your own low rent interests over our low rent interests. On August 13th... PEW PEW PEW RATATATTAT KABOOOM!

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.17

For those of you wondering how exactly it was that famed Baroque painter Caravaggio died or where he was buried are in luck. Italian archaeologists are 85% certain that he was buried in a Tuscany crypt... and that he died of sunstroke while in a weakened condition from the syphilis he had. Odd, that's exactly how Sean is going to die. And he thought he didn't have anything in common with the great painters.

If any of our readers have enjoyed a Gulf oyster in the last few months, I hope you enjoyed the everliving shit out of it because you might not have another one ever. In a thoroughly depressing article, Mary Tutwiler catalogues the state of the oyster industry, oyster farmers, and the oysters. Shockingly the picture isn't pretty. On the other hand, if you hate oysters, this all worked out nicely for you. Congratulations.

Over the past few decades in American society, knowing how to do something like clean a pelican was left to pelican experts, zookeepers, and the perverse coterie of freaks on Pelicanfetish.com. But now with a large percentage of them covered in oil, it's something that we all need to know. Thankfully Buzzfeed has provided us with a step by step guide to cleaning up an oily pelican; whether it's from the Gulf or just a pet pelican that got into that barrel of oil you keep out back. On the other hand this might be a setback to BP's plan to soak up all that valuable oil with all those worthless pelicans.

The one constant so far in this year's World Cup, besides people getting outraged at plastic horns, has been shockingly bad goalie gaffes. Who is at fault? The goalies? The team defense? The head coaches who put them in? No, clearly the party at fault is the girlfriends of said goalies. The UK has already taken to blaming Robert Green's ex-girlfriend for his bungled effort against the Colonies, owing to their pre-Cup breakup. Spain decided to take that extra misogynistic step forward, blaming Goaltender Iker Casillas' sideline reporter girlfriend for not only distracting him during their 1-0 loss to Switzerland, but distracting the entire team. See what happens when you let women near sports? If there's a bear attack during a game, we'll have to completely ban women from girling up serious sporting events.

Have a dog? Might you like that dog to have everlasting life? Then I give you IMMORTAL DOG!!!!!

Elected Texas idiot Joe Barton finally had to come out and apologize for his apology to BP when even the leaders of his caucus took notice on how unpopular what he said was. But he's not done apologizing, so he set up the site Joe Barton Would Like To Apologize To in order to list the various aggrieved entities like BP who deserve our sympathy.

Pat on relationships

When I have relationship troubles I know the one man who's advice I would seek first is a mentally addled octogenarian with a penchant for making deeply offense statements in the wake of disasters purportedly while speaking for God. Yes, Pat Robertson.

I mean look at how long he's had a relationship with God. Since at least as long as Pat saw it would make him money and bestow him power. And he's been able to keep it together long after you would have thought God would have broken it off for all the crazy stuff Pat does and says on behalf of the Lord. Look at how long Robertson had a relationship with a dictator currently on trial for war crimes. Pat was able to overlook massive human rights abuses and murders to keep the relationship going and keep the flow of gold and money open.

The man knows relationships. So that's why you'd call up and ask him to help with yours.

CO-HOST: Pat, this is from Anne who says, “My husband has always been a flirt and loves to talk with other women he finds attractive. He says he would never cheat on me but his actions are starting to get to me. What should I do?”

ROBERTSON: Anne, first thing is you need to make yourself as attractive as possible and don’t hassle him about it.
...
But you need to not drive him away or start hassling and hounding on him, but make yourself as beautiful as you can, as fun as you can, and say let’s go out here, let’s go there, let’s go to the other thing.

Shocker: He blamed the wife for the husband straying. I know what you're thinking "Isn't that deeply chauvinistic and sexist to assume the woman is at fault and obviously not sexing it up enough?" I say to you: only to someone who hasn't read the Bible. I present to you the parable of Jesus and the Dowdy Housewife.

Dowdy Housewife: Jeshua, I fear my husband eyes women who he is not married to.

Jeezy Creezy: Yea, this is because you need to whore it up a bit. As I said to the Thessalonians "Marriage is only a sacred contract as long as the wife stays hot and keeps the man interested sexually. Thine husband can do no wrong."

Ugly Woman who is lucky to be married: What should I do to keep his eyes from straying.

Diamond J: Have you considered a robe that's tighter on your ass? Maybe stick your tits out a bit more? And invest in the wonders of our lead based make-ups.

Woman who deserves to be cheated on: Oh thank you Lord, I will stick my tits out more and maybe I would nag him as much.

Jeebus: Yea, women are also interminable nags. Go forth and keep your opinions to yourself as well. Men don't like that either. I am the way and the light.

I think you can see Pat was giving her the right advice. It was either this woman's fault or... the gays? I'm sure the gays were to blame somehow. Can't spell patriarchy without "Pat". Keep it classy. Tell those bitches they're always in the wrong.

To the women of England

Thank Jozy Altidore for hitting that post in the second half. Otherwise.....

The World Cup can be a time of fear and worry for victims of domestic abuse as heightened emotions fuelled by alcohol come into play and instances of domestic violence attacks increase. Figures from the Home Office report that during the 2006 Football World Cup there was a 25% average increase in domestic violence on the five England match days in the tournament.

See, we're nice to you England, even though you fucked up the Gulf. You got a point and there's less of an excuse for your drunken, grotty menfolk to hit you. People that look like Robert Green on the other hand...

RIGHT OFF HIS FUCKING HANDS!!! HA!

Headline of the day

Captain America Arrested With Burrito In Pants

Is there more? Of course there's more.

Everything was fine until, witnesses said, Captain America started getting too forward with a burrito he kept tucked inside his blue tights, a burrito that ultimately landed him in jail.
...
Police said Adamcik had a burrito stuffed below the waistband of his costume and was asking women if they want to touch it. When one refused, he allegedly took out the burrito and groped her.

The woman called police and, when they arrived, the officers wrote in their report "there were so many cartoon characters in the bar at the time, all Captain America's were asked to go outside for a possible identification."The woman pointed out Adamcik and the burrito was found in his boot.

Thankfully for the sake of freedom and America's fight against the Red Skull, Captain America will not do jail time.

Yes, this did happen in Florida. Did you even need to ask?

Interesting facts

Did you know that there is no women's ski jumping at the Winter Olympics? I know what you're saying, "Yes, you clod, of course I know that. Every American lives and dies with the ups, downs, and revelations of the most popular sport in America: ski jumping."

I'm sorry for asking. But did you know that a women actually holds the ski jumping world record? Thankfully she's not allowed to compete because her lady parts would warp the ramp or something.

Lindsey Van holds the record - among both men and women - for the longest jump off of Whistler, B.C.'s normal ski jump, built for the 2010 Vancouver Olympics. The 25-year-old skier trains six days a week, 11 months a year and has been jumping for the past 19 years. But when games kick off on Feb. 12, the 2009 women's ski jumping world champion will be nowhere in sight. That's because women aren't allowed to ski jump in the Olympics.
...
In 2005, Gian Franco Kasper, FIS president and a member of the IOC, said that he didn't think women should ski jump because the sport "seems not to be appropriate for ladies from a medical point of view."

As a sport women's ski jumping meets all the required criteria for inclusion; participant numbers, history, world championships, international competitions, skis, jumping. But they aren't allowed in, so question naturally arise about discrimination and the ski jumping men being a little goosed about being shown up by girls.

Legally speaking, women are only allowed to be better at or paid more than men at sports we deem gay or at sports where we are allowed to take our focus off their athleticism and place it on their looking good in short skirts/swimsuits. In conjunction with the IOC and FIS, Mr. Kasper has also agreed that women are also allowed to be better than men at baby making and cooking within the confines of a home kitchen.

Now some fringe wags have passed on spurious rumors that this is somehow incongruous with Olympic ideals. But to them I say look at the Olympic motto. Now some erroneously believe the motto Citius, Altius, Fortius means Swifter, Higher, Stronger. That's just asinine and I don't know where they get their information. Most people know it to mean Swifter, Higher, No Fat Chicks, but that is also a mistranslation. It is actually Swifter, Higher, Know Your Place Ladies or We Will Knock You Out of This Competition Faster Than You Can Say "Socrates Wore a Skirt." Using the fourth declension genitive of Fortiuum means No Fat Chicks. Get your Latin straight.

But it's clear: no lady ski jumpers. Sorry. Van will just have to be content knowing that she's better than the men. I'm sure that'll pay for her training, right? Self-satisfied knowledge that you're the best is still legal tender, right?

Cheap Blogging Crutch 12.22

COP15: Climate 'scepticism' and questions about sex
Richard Black of the BBC takes a look at why those who are skeptical to downright hostile towards the notion of climate change are almost entirely men. He goes on to wonder why, if the opposition to climate change is such a rigorous and scientific deconstruction of flawed science, why Sarah Palin is the only woman who seems to have signed on. I'm sure it's because she's the only woman smart enough to realize what a hoax it all is. That must be it.

How to Slow Climate Change for Just $15 Billion
A look at how one of the most dangerous and destructive forms of carbon, black carbon, effects temperature and ice levels and how a simple investment in moving developing countries away from using open fires towards using clean stoves would dramatically slow climate change. On the other hand you do lose that "smokehouse" meat flavor that everyone loves, so I can see why no one is really eager to do this.

Uninsured and Dying Because of It
The Urban Institute decides to be dicks and interrupt all of our bitching about what was conceded and compromised in the health care debate to point out the terrible consequences (lower quality of life, increased morbidity and mortality, and higher financial burdens) of not having health insurance in this country. Way to ruin our pity party. Don't you know your dirty facts have no place in a health care debate?

Insurgents Hack U.S. Drones
Want to know how much it costs to hack the feed from a US Predator drone? $26 bucks. That's all it takes for Iranian backed Iraqi insurgents to attempt to subvert America's endless freedom mission. I know what you're saying: "We're still in Iraq?" Well, apparently we are and our military might can be derailed by one Jackson, one Lincoln, and one Dr. Wooden Teeth. Good to know that for all the billions we spend on these weapons systems, that insurgents might have to go to the trouble of borrowing five bucks from a buddy to beat them.

Titanic iceberg headed for Australia
I don't want to alarm any reader of this site who is a big fan of Aussie rules football, but you should be making peace with the fact that the sport you know and love will soon be deader than Dillinger. Also: everyone in Australia. Precious "scientists" might not agree with me, but that's the only end scenario I can envision when a rogue iceberg almost twice the size of Manhattan breaks off of Antarctica and careens towards a nation of criminals. I know what you're thinking: "Isn't this the only disaster idea that Roland Emmerich didn't put into 2012?" The answer is no, he also didn't have the moon crash into the earth. But maybe these two incidents can form the basis for a sequel.

Fed's approach to regulation left banks exposed to crisis
The Washington Post goes out of it's way to really take Ben Bernanke to the woodshed over his stewardship of the Fed both before, during, and after the global financial apocalypse. According to them, he's terrible at his job and couldn't foresee his nose in front of his face. But rest easy; sure he might have failed at the one part of his job he seems interested in and doesn't seem to give a shit about the "getting employment up" half of the Fed's job, but he'll still be reconfirmed to his position by an almost overwhelming margin. I know you were worried about that. Don't be.

'Tis the season

Don't worry Christians, CBS didn't forget about you.

Broken News: High School Reunion Completely Disappoints

MADISON, WI -- Last Friday night, 193 West Haven High School graduates from the class of 1999 convened at Finkle's Bar & Grill, a mere stone's throw from their alma mater, filled with hope for long-simmering drunken confrontations, unwise sexual congress, and transparent exaggerations of lives that would best be described as abject failures.

Instead, the West Haven alumni managed to stage perhaps the least-interesting reunion on record in the western hemisphere. Apart from a single vomit-filled ficus outside of the women's bathroom and a pair of D.U.I.'s, the event ran its course with a sadly remarkable lack of horrible behavior.

"Fuck me!" said Gregory Zemelman, former Math Club president who is now a civil engineer living in Chicago. "I'd been waiting years. Years! I got through grad school on the promise of heaping derision on some morbidly obese ex-cheerleader types who laughed at me for almost half a decade. All they did was plump up a little after they had kids. Not a single meth addiction amongst the entire goddamn squad."

"One of those cheerleaders even apologized for being mean to me 'Way back then'! What the fuck?"

Much of the disappointment with the reunion seemed to come from those who might have been considered less-than-popular in their high school years, but wound up finding no small measure of success later on in life.

"I'd have to say my biggest let-down was seeing Tyler," explained Lauren Adams, a criminal defense attorney in Manhattan, in reference to former all-city quarterback and student council president, Tyler Murphy.

"Seriously, my face cleared up, I dropped seven dress sizes, and I make more money than any five of those mouth breathers combined. During that time, not only did Tyler refuse to drink himself into oblivion or go to jail, the bastard went off and started a reasonably successful landscaping company. I hope one of his kids gets caught in a fucking wood chipper."

When asked to comment on Ms. Adams' statement, Mr. Murphy replied, "Who? Oh, her... yeah, I hope she's doing well and stuff."

For some, the realization that a decade mentally fueled by petty high school sleights resulted in little more than terminally misplaced anger was too much to bear.

"Ten goddamn years of that 'I'll show them I'm not a clarinet playing dweeb' and 'What'll those bitches and assholes think now that I'm doing all this big, important shit', and for what?" West Haven graduate Josh Harriot said, throwing his hands in the air.

"Not only do I find out these people have mostly changed for the better and that we've all grown up emotionally, but I realized that all the shit I was doing to 'show everybody' isn't all that important, or even good, and that no one really cares. Unfuckingbelievable!"

"The middle! We're all average people standing in the fucking middle!" Harriot yelled out. "I'm not lording over shit!"

In fact, 'People growing up and changing for the better' was cited as the number one reason for disappointment, beating out 'No porn stars in the class' and the fact that everyone was generally pleasant to be around. Still, some had other complaints.

"Nah, I'm gonna have to go with 'Hot girls not as hot as you remember them' as my biggest complaint," observed Ethan Wallace, a former member of the track team and current marketing analyst.

"The way I remember it, Chelsea Garrett was, like, the hottest woman in the world. Supermodel level, easy. Now I look at her and she looks pretty much the same, but she only seems nominally attractive. It feels like someone is messing with my mind."

In the end, after the crushing realization that they were all average people with average jobs who had gone through a typical, average high school experience and typical, average reunion, some placed their hopes in the future.

"The 20 year reunion, man, that's where the shit will go down," hoped Harriot. "By then we should have separated out a little more career and wage-wise, our children will have had time to grow into unmentionable fuckups or stunning successes, there will probably be a few divorces and bad plastic surgeries, and we'll really be able to do some nose-to-shit rubbing."

He paused and sighed a bit, "At least I hope so. I can't deal with another one of these mildly pleasant evenings."

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.26

Women pay up to 50% more for health insurance premiums
Now that we've inexorably moved one step closer to our new health care utopia with cotton candy insurance that lets us see marmalade doctors, a new study is released showing you the best way to cut your health insurance costs: not be born a woman. Some call it sex discrimination, I'm just glad to note that neither Sean nor I was born with this debilitating pre-existing condition, what with it's assorted lady parts, emotions, and hairless faces. I'm just glad that I can't catch whatever it is they have because...well...let's just say that its because I've quarantined myself off from them and that definitely not the other way around, no matter what Pittsburgh area women tell you.

For Walker, financial fouls mount
For anyone looking to glimpse into the lifestyles of rich athletes and their almost immediate bankruptcies the second they stop playing, take a look a former Celtics power forward Antoine Walker who, at 33, has squandered over $110 million in career earnings. This is why sports fans don't have to worry about player strikes anymore. One would last a month before half the players were out of money.

The New Color Line
I'm about to blow you mind: whites and blacks not only have differing views about things, but those views extend to health care as well! 40% of whites support health care reform compared to 75% of nonwhites, while 38% of whites believe the Obama agenda will decrease their opportunities and 60% of nonwhites believe his agenda will increase their opportunities. So wait, large percentages of those teabaggers were scared that the black man was coming to take their shit? I guess that's something you only could have understood with a poll, or if, you know, you read their placards.

Campaign Report on Human Rights in Iran since 12 June 2009
The International Campaign for Human Rights did an analysis of the situation in Iran and it turns out things aren't so great. Their conclusion? Iran is accelerating its slide into a dictatorship. Excuse me, that must have been a misprint. It probably meant to say further accelerating it's slide into and even more oppressive dictatorship than already exists. That must be it. Still, it surprises me. I mean we all changed our Twitter icons green and made our Facebook location Tehran. Wasn't that supposed to solve everything?

End State: Is California finished?
Yes. Now break it up and sell it to the Chinese. Otherwise they might take us all down with them in their swirling vortex of initiative stupidity and referendum backed budget destroying insanity. Oh sure, we'll miss the entertainment industry, celebrity murder trials, and probably a third and fourth thing. But this is triage man, cut off the diseased leg so the rest of the body can survive! I'm just saying: nukes in the San Andreas fault to break California off from the mainland. It was in the Superman movie being attempted by a super genius, it has to be valid.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.07

Nobel Winners Isolate Protein Behind Immortality, Cancer
Oh, is that all they did? Amateurs. Seems that there's this enzyme called telomerase which, when activated, allows cells to divide without any limits, making them effectively immortal. One problem, and I'd hesitate to even call it a problem: the cells will eventually become cancerous. So they aren't completely immortal. But this is leading to new discoveries about how to fight cancer by impeding the production of telomerase. I still believe putting a scientific team in a submarine, shrinking it down and injecting into the blood is the best way to fight cancer...and all disease. But does anyone want to try that or give me a Nobel for that?

Anthem BCBS Of Maine Proclaims Entitlement To Profits, Demands Government Guarantee 3 Percent Profit
Just when you thought there wasn't a way you could love insurance companies more you see one argue that not only are they entitled to a 12% premium increase rate for providing the same level of coverage, but see them claim in court that it was the government's legal duty to ensue they made at least a 3% profit. Right...I don't think we need any kind of public option to compete with these guys. They seem to have a handle on things and provide useful coverage at reasonable prices.

E. Coli Path Shows Flaws in Beef Inspection
Have you wanted to be utterly disgusted by the supposed cleanliness of and health risks within the meat industry but felt that Upton Sinclair's the Jungle just wasn't relevant to 21st century meat packing? Well the NYT has news for you: it is! But what does a little e.coli matter anyway? It's curable. The real problem is the mad cow disease we all almost assuredly have.

Right Stuff, Wrong Sex: NASA’s Lost Female Astronauts
Wired takes a look at NASA's early forays into using female astronauts. The idea was that since the ladies are lighter than the fellas, they'd be cheaper to rocket into orbit. Women are also less prone to heart attacks. The women they chose for preliminary tests not only had a higher clearance rate than the men, but also scored comparably to the men in testing. But the plan was eventually scrapped due to a preference for experimental test pilots. Also there would concerns towards space menstruation (seriously) and estrogen fouling up the instruments (not seriously).

Archaeologists unearth 17th century bottle used to scare off witches
I think that speaks for itself. No one from the team has stepped forward to mention if the bottle still works or if evolution has produced a stronger breed of witch that is impervious to magic jugs and containers. If you are looking for a place to store all your unused nail clippings, hair, bellybutton fluff, pins and iron nails and are also mortally terrified of witches, may we suggest putting them in a bottle and burying it near your house.

Chart of the day

via the New York Times Economix blog comes this chart from recent census data on the economic disparity gaps between men and women. As a whole, women make 77.9% of what men make. In the 21st Century. C+ equality! I guess that means we probably don't have to do anything else besides making it easier to sue after income disparity is discovered. Dust off those hands boys, our work is done.

Good news though, if you're a woman and lucky enough to live in DC, you get to make 88% of what a man does, with NY, California, Arizona, and Maryland close behind. If you want to live where women make more than men, you either need furtive imaginations or a desire to live in Puerto Rico, where women make 101.1% of what men make.

Unfortunately, if you're a woman living in Wyoming then you have to deal with the fact that you live in Wyoming. But in addition to that, you suffer the worst pay disparity at 64.3% and you are also subject to regulations that state that Dick Cheney can hunt you for sport if he is displeased with the meal he is legally authorized to demand from any of age woman in the state. That's just adding insult to injury.

Broken In Brief: Area man briefly distracted just long enough to appreciate womens' tennis as a sport

ST. LOUIS—Two days after the fact, John Anderson isn’t sure exactly how or why it happened. All this local man knows is that sometime during the second set of Saturday's U.S. Open semifinal match between Serena Williams and Kim Clijsters, he had stopped ogling the competitors breasts and asses and had begun to un-ironically appreciate their competition in a legitimate sport worthy of his attention.

“Yeah, I’m not proud of it, but contrary to the conventions of the American sports landscape, I was enjoying a woman’s sport divorced of all crude sexual connotations,” said Anderson, clearly disturbed by the revelation.

“It was somewhere during a third game rally that I noticed I was no longer crudely giggling when one of them grunted. I had begun to take account of their immaculate shot placement and the fierceness of the competition. It was when I turned to my friend Frank and observed that Clijsters was forcing Williams into a lot of unforced errors on her backhand that he looked at me oddly and I understood what was happening. I apologize.”

That friend, Frank Sanders, noted that while he was initially taken aback by this behavior, Williams’ end of match outburst towards a female line judge soon snapped Anderson back into action. “Yeah, when that happened, we went right into making catfight jokes and hooting at the screen,” Sanders relayed. “Thankfully this outburst helped John yank his head out of his ass before the damage became permanent.”

“Still, its hard not to respect everything that Kim Clijsters went through in this tournament. Coming back from a sabbatical after she went to start a family, entering as a wild card,and then winning? It’s really admirable… ”Sanders trailed off, realizing what was happening. “Great! Now I’m doing it too! That Monday Night Football doubleheader better get here fast before I’m forced to mentally grapple with complex gender issues or some shit.”

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.08

U.S. Tried to Soften Treaty on Detainees
Part 367,892 in the series: I Can't Believe the Bush Administration Tried To Do That! In this episode our boy wonders decided that it was time to soften the language and legal requirements behind state sanctioned kidnappings. In the end they weren't able to soften the language because it had to suffer the scrutiny and support of over 81 countries also signed on to the treaty, several of whom expressed concerns over stuff like kidnappings. Ah well, maybe Cheney can get it done when he wins in 2012.

Job outlook hits worst-ever level
Job seekers, hang yourselves on my mark.........now. That's right, the Employment Outlook Survey has reached its lowest level since 1962. All in all -3% of employers (seriously) plan on doing additional hiring this quarter and eight sectors have shown a negative hiring outlook. I don't know what that means, so I'll just add it to the list I have marked 'Horrible Sounding Shit' and be done with it.

President Says His Critics Lack Health-Care Answer
You know Barry, a month from now when health care is either defeated or some milquetoast, no public option, expensive private sector giveaway, that is unpopular with America at large is passed and Republicans are able to sit back, laugh, and realize they got all this with about one Republican voting for it and by acting like insane people, I'm not sure the first thing they'll say to themselves is "But we didn't have the answer." They'll just be figuring out how to duplicate the process on the next big legislative fight.

Election monitors cry foul as Karzai vote hits 54 per cent
Don't you just love it when our buddy in Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, takes a look at the election fraud in Iran and says to himself "That looks like a great idea, but I'm on a budget, so I'll have to rig my election on the cheap and in more blatantly obvious ways"? It's always great when the UN's Electoral Complaints Commission says things like "clear and convincing evidence of fraud". I'm sure this will cause us to rethink our position of support for Karzai and the war in Afghanistan. Just kidding. The correct response is "Who cares?"

Google Trends: Sep 8, 2009
What's that, Google Trends? You say popular searches include melanie oudin boyfriend and caroline wozniacki breasts? I think I smell Women's US Open tennis fever taking hold in America's groins hearts. You know what's surprisingly not on the list? "US statutory rape laws."

Quote of the day

Michael "Don't mention my real last name is Wiener" Savage, using his talk show to attack British women...because the UK had the nerve to treat him as the crazy, ranting, racist maniac that he is:

"You see their girls, the flower of England, laying in the gutter with their legs spread open drunk at night. That's the England of today"

Well....I see. Just...as...a...curiosity, Priceline is offering flights to London leaving tomorrow at around $1474. While I plan my...."academic research trip", you go listen to the rest of his rant. It's pretty great, Savage compares himself to Churchill and valiantly swears he's fighting a similar fight as Winston was when he was warning the world about Hitler. I don't understand why England wouldn't want him in their country.

Broken In Brief: Gym room full of men who totally didn't notice that hot woman walk in

MOBILE—While information at this point is preliminary, sources are reporting that an entire room full of men at the Mobile area Bally’s Total Fitness has totally not noticed that an attractive woman has entered the establishment with the intention of also working out. Honest.

“Oh really? There’s an attractive woman over there? I hadn’t noticed,” claimed the noticeably pudgy George Pappas, 25, while he piled extra 50 pound weights onto the end of the bar. “I’m just here to do my normal workout of clean jerking 800 pounds up over my head like I always do: without a spotter. While it’s not a feat most men can do, I’m not most normal men. That’s just the sort of dedication I put into fitness, nay, all aspects of my life,” he finished saying loudly.

“Personally, I think it’s great that she’s taking an interest in her health, but other than that I couldn’t care less,” observed Will Granger, 22, in the midst of cranking up both the speed and incline of the treadmill he was on and attempting to run in a really cool manner. “I’m just here to do my workout in the same way I always do: to the extreme, while showing that I drive a BMW and earn a yearly six figure income,” he gasped out as the strain of running uphill at such a speed began to sap his endurance.

Others were also willing to come forward and state that they, too, had also totally not noticed the woman, an 8.5 or possibly 9, who had entered, but were interrupted by Mr. Pappas’ painful shrieks as his attempt to beat a world weightlifting record by some 250 pounds was derailed by a tragic ankle shattering and violent rectal prolapse.

Stimulate the... economy. Yeah, the economy.

It's no secret that many of us are short on cash these days. Matthew and myself are no exceptions -- he squeezes off more knuckle children than they know what to do with at the sperm bank (often without prompting) and I've been broke since that Nazi bastard at the Red Cross found out about that whole "Hepatitis C" thing. Fucker.

I digress. Should you find yourself truly strapped and suddenly out of ideas, look no further than British site Faces of Ecstasy, which will reportedly pay you £70 (~$4,000 U.S.) to film yourself having an orgasm. Be sure to also stop by its French equivalent, Beautiful Agony, which is pretty much the same thing, except with more underarm hair.

It is your civic duty.

Thanks for the breaking news, science

Ladies, I'm sorry to tell you that science has gone out a proven something you probably already knew: men like boobies. Not only that, but a glimpse of them causes the part of our brain that is usually reserved for tool use and first-person action verbs. Action verbs! In an even creepier finding of the study, people who are classified as "hostile sexists" don't even register scantily clad women as humans with thoughts or intentions.

Bikinis Make Men See Women as Objects, Scans Confirm

Brain scans revealed that when men are shown pictures of scantily clad women, the region of the brain associated with tool use lights up.

Men were also more likely to associate images of sexualized women with first-person action verbs such as "I push, I grasp, I handle," said lead researcher Susan Fiske, a psychologist at Princeton University.

And in a "shocking" finding, Fiske noted, some of the men studied showed no activity in the part of the brain that usually responds when a person ponders another's intentions.

This means that these men see women "as sexually inviting, but they are not thinking about their minds," Fiske said. "The lack of activation in this social cognition area is really odd, because it hardly ever happens."

Yeah...uh...about that...uh.....sorry. Yeah, on behalf of men as a gender, sorry. In fairness, it's only some men....and Sean, not all or even most. Our brains make us do it...or the patriarchy, I'm not totally sure on this one. Or, judging by the NG headline, the bikinis themselves make us do it, because clothing is self-aware and has power over thought now. It has something to do with patterns, fabric material, particles, tachyons, and mind control. Bikinis are evidently Skynet.

Again, sorry, and if you...IT'S ALL SEAN'S FAULT!!! I TOLD HIM NOT TO OBJECTIFY WOMEN IN THE MEDIA AND SOCIETY BUT HE DID ANYWAY!!! *sound of running, frantic opening of car door, car engine starting, and screeching tires*

Broken News: Guy pretty sure ex-girlfriend impressed by renovated Facebook profile

DETROIT, MI – Newly single advertising writer Nate Matheson now justifies getting out of bed each morning by obsessively updating and exaggerating his Facebook profile.

Convinced his former girlfriend, Lisa Stanton, is as interested in his life post-breakup as he is hers, Matheson fleshed out his profile with Ambrose Bierce quotes, vastly expanded "Interests" and "Activities" sections, and an oversized iLike widget crammed with album names he found on the Pitchfork and NME review pages. Matheson has also aggressively courted over 100 new "friends," virtually none of whom he has actually met in person.

"She totally sees every update," claimed Matheson, near tears. "I bet she would have loved the new Portishead record. And I could have recommended it to her and everything. And we could have finally gone hiking together, like she always wanted. But too bad for her."

When implored by friends and family to de-friend Stanton and save some small measure of dignity, Matheson steadfastly refused, claiming, "I want her to know I'm having a great time without her."

Asked what he has been up to since the break-up two months ago, Matheson replied, "Tons, you know? I put all of my pictures of her in a box in the closet and haven't opened it in almost a week. And I deleted all of her voicemails. Oh, and I gathered everything she left at my apartment and dropped it off at her place last Tuesday when I knew she wouldn't be there because she has this pottery class every Tuesday and on the second and fourth Thursday each month."

“She’s doing this method, handworking the clay into a nineteenth century Roseville style. Based on the emails she's been writing her sister, she's really into it.” His mood visibly darkening, Matheson continued, “But this teacher of hers is pushing her into a Winchcombe style on a pottery wheel. That’s not Lisa at all. Maybe I need to have a talk with this teacher and tell him what the goddamn score is. He just doesn’t get it. I do! I understand! I joined the Pottery Heads AND the Raku Art of Earth and Fire groups on Facebook! Doesn’t she know that?”

Matheson's best friend and roommate, Jake DeLong, expressed mild irritation at the mention of Stanton's name. "I never knew what he saw in that cunt. I mean, it was clear as day she was cheating on him the whole time." Staring down at two rocks glasses placed next to a full bottle of Jameson, an impatient DeLong added, "Sure, she's hot, but it's not like she ever had anything really interesting to say. The girl never really even had any friends except for those lamers she got drunk with at work. Guy just needs to sort his head out."

In addition to his newfound affection for social networking, Matheson has signed up for a Pilates course, begun taken German lessons (Stanton was raised bilingual), and now listens almost exclusively to worldbeat swank global groove bands. "I just don't think I paid enough attention the whole time," said Matheson from behind the dumpster outside Stanton's apartment. Peering through a pair of binoculars, he continued, "I should have paid attention to what she liked, you know? Shoes, tapas, US Weekly, horrid music. Maybe if I can convince her that I like all those things too, I could--"

Editor's note: At this point in the interview, Stanton emerged from her apartment, clad in a classic little black cocktail dress, and clearly in a hurry to get somewhere. Apart from the repetition of, "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!", attempts at transcribing Matheson's statements yielded nothing useful, as the tape was filled primarily with weeping and the sound of a fist striking a forehead.

Stanton, who has already heard and enjoyed the new Portishead record, could not be reached for comment, as she was spending the week upstate with Tucker Romans, a Princeton-educated investment banker, two-time Olympic gymnast, notorious pussy hound, and heir to the Romans Potted Meat fortune. Romans also recently passed the bar, elected not to enter residency at Temple University Hospital for fear of boredom, and will be running his ninth marathon next month.