The end times

We here at TB Industries are avid Armageddon watchers. We like to look at any situation and extrapolate how it might end society and civilization as we know it. Be it giant space meteors, global warming, complete economic collapse, hadron/hardon colliders opening black holes on the French border, nuclear devastation, plagues, angry God/Gods on smiting sprees, or our dream... zombies, we are eager to see the world end. Mostly because we feel we'll survive and come to rule the wasteland that comes after. We're optimists.

But we also like to sarcastically joke about the Republican party and their dire predictions for things that will happen if Democratic legislation passes. Things like the systematic murder of the elderly because of health care. I guess when Barry puts pen to paper later today on that health care bill, he'll just be heralding some new round of horrible plagues. Maybe even the end times. No, seriously.



Yes, actual Armageddon.... because people will get better access to cheaper health care. I think you can all see the nightmare scenario that will bring about. But God bless the incredulous Shep Smith, who must be building up to another outburst any day now, for pushing through and getting Steele to claim that they want to get to a more civil place in politics... right after he declared the end of the world because of the health care bill and right before he plugged a site where you can go view a flame engulfed Nancy Pelosi and donate $16,000 to throw the bitch out of the Speaker's seat.

So on a scale of Armageddon we're going to have to rate health care as a weak 1, despite Steele's claims that it's a definite 10. There is a chance that the health care is so good that it will create functional immortals and overpopulation will occur, but that's a long shot. Plus immortality is the complete opposite of zombification, which is a major negative of the horror scale for an apocalyptic event. Steele thinks we're all going to die, we just wish we could believe him.

Angering God

Health reform is seemingly on it's way to passing. Nancy Pelosi has begun her brutal campaign of kidnapping on the fence Democrat's children, has begun breaking arms, has collected a gruesome menagerie of nude photos of our elected betters, and has singled out several pictures where Representatives kind look like they have boners while children sit on their laps. She's playing for keeps and wants this vote done by Sunday.

And in the last gasp of whining before they have to face the fact that Americans might be getting better health care, right wing commentators have moved off the "granny kill squad", "reconciliation and deem & pass are demonic tolls of the devil that have never been used before", and other such memes to latch onto one last pathetic criticism of Barack Obama's attempt to move US health care into the low thirties on WHO rankings: it'll make the baby Jesus sad. Of course Glenn Beck and Rep Steve "Revolution" King of Iowa were involved.

KING: They intend to vote on the Sabbath, during Lent, to take away the liberty that we have right from God. [...]

BECK: You couldn’t have said it better. Here is a group of people that have so perverted our faith and our hope and our charity, that is a — this is an affront to God. ... But I think it’s absolutely appropriate that these people are trying to put the nail in the coffin on our country on a Sunday — something our founders would have never, ever, ever done. Out of respect for God.

The triple threat. The health care bill will not only put the final nail in the coffin of America, but it is both an affront to God and a violation of the principles of the founding father. A Trinity of America hatred.

And you know how pissed God gets about these things. "My children, I know you were attempt to better the health and well being of My other children, but for the love of Me why did you do it on a Sunday? Unconscionable. It's right in the Ten Commandments! You're all being banished to hell and I'm using My veto power, as enumerated to me in the US Constitution, to strike this bill from all creation."

So take note, we've officially reached the "It'll make the baby Jesus cry" stage of health care opposition. It's the last sad stage before what I'm assuming are mass suicides scheduled for a few minutes after Democrats vote to destroy the country, Barry high fives everyone, they eat an ice cream cake shaped like Karl Marx, and Genn Beck immolates himself on the Capitol steps. Rest easy, this whole horrid shitshow is almost over. Except for the filing lawsuits part. By which I mean to say this will never end.

Governmental hilarity

Missed amongst all the the summit coverage is the simple fact that none of it would be necessary if the Democrats could, how should I phrase it... get of their fat lazy fucking asses and pass small tweaks to the bills they already fucking passed.

This fact does not seem to be lost on Nancy Pelosi, who has to pass the Senate bill, and Senator Kent Conrad, Chairman of the Budget Committee who is going to have to handle the reconciliation part of the tweaks the Senate is going to have to pass. But you see *laughs* there's just a *laughs* hilarious mix-em-up that's preventing it all from happening.

Democrats finally seem ready to act on health care reform, and for perhaps the first time in the entire year-long health care reform debate, they're speaking--openly--about the likelihood that they'll invoke the budget reconciliation process to make some tweaks to the Senate's health care bill. But there remains no clear path forward, with the House and Senate still jockeying over who will make the first move, and even Senate Democrats divided on how the process should work in their chamber and who among them gets to decide on it.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she won't pass the Senate bill until the reconciliation process is complete. And Senate Budget Committee Chairman Kent Conrad (D-ND) says the Senate can't do reconciliation until after the House acts on the Senate bill.

I imagine the conversation goes some thing like..... "You got legislative peanut butter in my chocolate!" "No, you got legislative chocolate in my peanut butter!", then they both try to speak at the same time, do that whole "You speak" "No, you speak" thing for a few minutes, both end up speaking at the same time again, give up, then both attempt to walk away..... except they both step in the same direction, almost bump into each other, get stuck doing the whole "After you" "No, after you" thing, until hours later staffers have to come and physically remove them from the scene as they've devolved into simpering, weeping messes.

It would all be hilarious if it didn't effect tens of millions of people without health care, the hundreds of millions that need better access and cheaper prices, and a massive chunk of our economy.

So that's why Democrats can't move forward on health care. There's a charmingly befuddled argument over turf, who moves first, and whether Kent Conrad likes Nancy Pelosi or likes likes her. This is important shit people. Until they work out their sexual tension and basic fucking legislative procedure, you're just going to have to will yourself better or hope that money you buried in the back yard sprouts a money tree with which you can use to actually pay your skyrocketing premiums.

Compare/Contrast

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi on health care:

As I said to some friends yesterday in the press, we will go through the gate. If the gate is closed, we will go over the fence. If the fence is too high, we will pole vault in. If that doesn’t work, we will parachute in. But we are going to get health care reform passed for the American people for their own personal health and economic security and for the important role that it will play in reducing the deficit.

Various and sundry Senate assholes on health care:

Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-La.) said health care reform “is on life support, unfortunately,” and the president should have been more specific with how Democrats should move forward.
...
Sen. Mark Pryor (D-Ark.) said it was “a real possibility that health care is at a stalemate and you can’t solve it this year.”
...
Senate Majority Whip Dick Durbin (D-Ill.) said on health care reform, Democrats are “thinking about it and how to move on it.”

But, he added, jobs are the current high priority and that is what we are going to work on for now.

Anyone still confident that health care is going to be acted on anytime soon? They've got to pretend they're doing something on jobs now.

Quote of the day

House Speaker.... for about 10 more months, Nancy Pelosi

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi just told reporters that she does not believe she has enough votes in the House to pass the Senate health care reform bill as-is—at least not yet.

“I don’t see the votes for it at this time,” Pelosi said. “The members have been very clear in our caucus about the fact that they didn’t like it before it had the Nebraska provision and some of the other provisions that are unpalatable to them.”

“In every meeting that we have had, there would be nothing to give me any thought that that bill could pass right now the way that it is,” she said. “There isn’t a market right now for proceeding with the full bill unless some big changes are made.”

Well that sure was a nice health care reform effort that was made, but it's time to give up. I mean there is that new 41-59 Republican majority to think about.

I just want to say thanks to Democrats for wasting the last year, failing to understand what the fuck they're reaping, damning themselves to severe losses in November, placing political gamesmanship over making advances in the US health care system, not learning a goddamn thing from any of the previous failed health care efforts, and for convincing Americans in one year that they don't want you anywhere near the reins of power. That last one was impressive, it took Republicans eight years of failed wars, terrorist attacks, corruption, civil liberties violations, torture, spying on citizens, Constitutional violations, and economic failure to decide that they were unfit to run things.

Way to fuck up as always Democrats. For extra comic effect, do you think you all could attempt to organize a one car funeral? I'd just like to see what happens.

Broken In Brief: Wall St. sent to bed without dinner

NEW YORK--As a reinforcement of the "increased regulation" of large financial firms that has been hotly debated by lawmakers in recent weeks, House Majority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-iscredited) announced that because of its naughty behavior, Wall Street would be sent straight to bed without dinner for the rest of the week.

In a morning press conference, Pelosi reiterated Congress' commitment to reforming and regulating a corrupt financial system that nearly caused a global economic collapse, noting that "It all starts with the fundamentals: three servings of vegetables, no TV before your homework is done, and respect for your elders."

Pelosi also cautioned that Congress was not afraid to cut down on XBox time and that, if the financial service and banking sectors don't straighten up and fly right, she might not drive them to the Jonas Brothers concert next month.

Asked to comment on Pelosi's statement, House Financial Services Committee Chairman Barney Frank also threatened a spanking.

When Wall Street was asked how it felt to be on the receiving end of such harsh dinner-time punishment, the venerated financial sector paused from eating the truffles and fois gras it had couriered up to its room, shooed away the models it had ferreted through the back door after Pelosi went to bed, and spoke. "Yeah... I'm really learning my lesson here. Oooh, stop with all this undue regulation and sanctions," Wall Street said, before falling asleep on a pile of everyone's money.

The House bill

The House released their health care bill, and while it isn't the liberal bonanza of socialist and thinly veiled communism that Nancy Pelosi vowed to throw on the backs of this country in order to destroy it, it's still fairly good and allows us to further persist in the myth that this country will get a public option.

Pelosi said the bill will "insure 36 million more Americans" and "will not add one dime to the deficit" -- covering 96 percent of Americans and costing less than $900 billion. The bill includes a public option and will end "discrimination for preexisting medical conditions."

She said the plan will be put online "for all Americans to see." You can read it here.

In fact the bill will cost "$894 billion price tag and will result in a $30 billion surplus at the end of its first 10 years" and doesn't include the "robust public option" (rates based on Medicare + 5%) but will instead negotiate rates. In addition the bill will expand Medicaid to the rate of 150% above the poverty line and ditch the Senate's free rider provision in favor of an employer mandate. It essentially covers more people and in a better way than the Senate for almost the same price.

What's also great about the bill is....ah fuck it. It's not like any of this stuff is going to get in. Some idiot Senator or Senators will demand that they be taken out or they'll just be stripped out in the conference committee and we'll all be forced to accept whatever contradictory nonsensical terrible bullshit Joe Lieberman wants in return for getting his feelings hurt in the 2006 Connecticut Democratic primary.

Still, nicely done House. There's still one mildly sane, not completely terrible section of our government that largely seems to be actually concerned with the problems inherent in our health care system. Too bad you're counterbalanced by the Senate. I guess a couple people will read the bill and imagine what it would be like if it got passed, so your efforts won't be a total waste. Shame about the Senate though. Well, you must be used to that kind of disappointment.

Pollings

Next time a Senator tries to tell the public that there just isn't support for a public option, they can only pass a week kneed version, or that American's don't want one, I hope someone there has the good decency to spit in their eye. The only people who are opposed to the public option are in the Senate.

On the issue that has been a flash point in the national debate, 57 percent of all Americans now favor a public insurance option, while 40 percent are opposed. Support has risen since mid-August, when a bare majority, 52 percent, said they favored it. (In a June Post-ABC poll, support had been at 62 percent.)

If run by the states and available only to those who lack affordable private options, support for a public plan jumps to 76 percent. Under those circumstances, even a majority of Republicans, 56 percent, would be supportive, about double their level of support without such a limitation.

Furthermore 56% favor making it mandatory for all Americans to buy insurance with the number jumping to 71% if government provides subsidies for lower income folks. Of note is the fact that the poll also asked specifically if people would prefer a public option bill with no Republican support or a bipartisan bill with no public option. The public option beat bipartisanship 51% to 37%. Americans prefer a good bill to the Senate wanking itself off. I think I just heard Max Baucus die a little inside.

With news like this, Nancy Pelosi attempting to shame the Senate into a public option bill using CBO numbers as a bludgeon, 52 Democratic Senators thinking that maybe the five holdouts ought to get the fuck onboard, and rumors of competence from Harry Reid, is it too much to get my hopes up? Probably yes, as on the other hand Reid is Reid, Obama lost his balls somewhere during his acceptance speech, and Senate negotiations involve one actual human who is unequivocally for the public option and knows how to breathe through his nostrils. As is always the case with the Senate: lower your expectations. Lower them to the point where Max Baucus coming to burn down your house is a pleasant surprise. It's the only way to keep sane.

How Obama should have handled Joe Wilson

You can almost picture Pelosi behind him yelling "Awwwwww Shit!"

Good morning, here's some crazy people

I'm not sure what's my favorite, Uncle Sam being menaced by the hawk of perversion and the condor of lust, the "autograph my cross" man, Jezebel kid, or the sheer amount of signs that threaten armed revolution. They need to hold one of these a week.

Baucus Day

Well Max Baucus finally released his health care bill today, with it's official Chairman's Mark and everything. You remember the bill, don't you? It's the one that was crafted to specifically get Republican support and is notable for the fact that it got no Republican support and seems to have alienated several Democrats on Baucus' Financial Committee. It's the one that took several months to hammer out a bill that was remarkably similar to the compromise legislation Baucus originally introduced. The one with insufficient provisions. The one without a public option.

And how have people responded to this bill? Wendall Porter, a former health industry employee at Cigna and insurance whistleblower, decided in his Congressional testimony to dub the bill “an absolute gift to the industry”, that the co-ops the bill uses will be unable to effectively compete to reduce costs, and took time to rename the bill "The Insurance Industry Profit Protection And Enhancement Act”. That got Nancy Pelsoi to disagree, she wants to dub the bill the "Private Insurance Profit Perpetuation Act" and they both had a slapfight about who's renaming gave the biggest BURN~!/FACE~! to the insurance industry. Matt Taibbi might actually shit a ball of pure hate over what's going on. Everyone's in love with Max Baucus.

So there we are, our long national nightmare is over and our new long national nightmare begins: watching this thing get passed. And perhaps we shouldn't worry too much as Bacus' bill will have to be reconciled with other committee's bills, and then go through an amendment process, then actually be voted on, and then go through a House/Senate conference committees. So what we're seeing here won't likely be the final bill. I mean after all, everything that goes to the full Senate to be worked over always comes out better and smarter and more effective, right? *shudder* Yeah....this is the best bill we're going to see. Get ready to bite into the shit sandwich and tell everyone how great it is.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.03

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That makes 1

For those of you counting at home, Nancy Pelosi has made it exactly one Democrat in a position of power who has decided to say that a public plan is the best option going and that any bill that doesn't have one in it is a non-starter in the House. Even more surprisingly, she didn't even bother to coach it with a bunch of "maybes", "you never knows", "broad consensuses", or paeans to the concept of bipartisanship and holding hands over crafting a bill that helps people. Calls for her to walk that statement back or claims that she doesn't speak for all Democrats in 4...3...2...

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said legislation to revamp the U.S. health-care system won’t get through her chamber unless it creates a government-run insurance program to compete with the private industry.

“There’s no way I can pass a bill in the House of Representatives without a public option,” the California Democrat said at a press conference in San Francisco yesterday.
...
Pelosi yesterday said lawmakers have to pass a comprehensive bill rather than a watered-down compromise.

“Frankly, I don’t know when we’d do it if we don’t take that giant step now,” she said.

Judging by historical standards, if you don't do health care now you'll have to wait around two decades before you're allowed to take another crack at it. At which point we'll be in the midst of the horrid throes of some awful dystopian future where the Hobo Council of Elders will have to engage in negotiations with the Robo Health Collective in order to knock our health premiums down from two rations of hydro and one ration of petrol, down to a 1/1 ration. You try negotiating with the RHC for better health coverage, Nancy. It just won't work, so do it now.

Sadly though, we live in a world where the Speaker of the House has little say in this debate. For some reason we have decided that 6 conservative senators on the Finance Committee from the least populous states in the nation should be given total autonomy to craft health care legislation. With the main goal being placating industry and showing the country that people are working in a bipartisan manner where Republicans say "jump" and Democrats negotiate over the height, not covering Americans. I just hope Nancy knows how to feign shock when, yeah, she is forced to support a bill without a public option. I'm thinking go with an audible gasp, and then slowly sit down, like you can't believe what just happened.

Quote of the day

House Supreme Leader Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) during an interview with the Washington Post on why she doesn't have to follow deals the White House made with pharmaceutical companies, will look for them to make cost cuts elsewhere, her new Senate/Harry Reid caused drinking problem, and how Republican tactics to try to scare House members into voting against the health care bill aren't working:

"The Chinese have an expression: 'Shoot the chickens to scare the monkeys.' They use one issue to scare you on another issue, and I don't think they're scaring our members," she said.

That might be the greatest colloquial expression I've ever heard. And really, isn't the first thing that comes to mind when discussing the political maneuvering for health care is using a mass chicken murder to put the fear of God into lemurs, gibbons, spider monkeys, and other, lesser apes? God bless the Chinese language and the humorous phrases that arise from it's brutal suppression of dissidents.