Broken News: As town halls end America longs for new outlets to vent their angry insanity

THE HEARTLAND—“I just don’t know what to do now. All of this rage and sloganeering still left to yell about at completely inappropriate times. If these town halls are really over, where else am I going to be able to repeat all the stuff I read in chain emails to the people who sent me those emails?”

These are the words and concerns of Gaston Boyle, a tractor salesman from Dubuque. But they are also those of an increasing number of livid, directionless Americans. With health care town halls wrapping up as senators and representatives gleefully return to their "jobs," grateful for no longer having to endure their constituents, many citizens are wondering from where their next opportunity to shout conspiracies at public officials while being restrained by local law enforcement will arise.

“First we had the teabagging thing, which went OK. Then there was the health care fight, and that was a blast. But I don’t see what there is on the horizon to get worked up about,” observed Tony Paymer, a Mississippi diner owner fresh off a 30-day stay in the county jail for dumping 40,000 tea bags and 70,000 Sweet ‘N Low packets into the community pool.

“Maybe the czars thing that Hannity is all uppity about? Sure, it sounds like that disease from a few years back, but I don't know if I have the energy. I guess we could go back to the ‘black President’ thing, but that’s so passé and I hate repeating my ’08 material. Maybe some Kenyan stuff... I just don't know."

For many Americans, therein lies the problem: finding a new outlet for the irrational anger. Some are still clinging to the last gasps of the health care movement, hoping that continued references to death panels or some newly developed murder and/or line-waiting conspiracy will stem the inevitable tide of half-hearted, incremental reform.

Still, others have plowed straight into being afraid of governmental czars, stopping the government from trying to infringe upon coal companies god-given right to pollute, preparing gold coin designs and isolationist slogans for Ron Paul’s 2012 campaign, stopping Congress from making it easier for unions to organize, and going outside to yell at the sun and low flying birds. But these are scattered movements without a cohesive center and none has managed to channel the concentrated fury seen during the health care town halls.

“It just felt so good, going down to the local community center to yell at some overwhelmed representative about why he wanted to garrote everyone’s grandmother,” reminisced Sally Harrow, a homemaker from Valdosta. “You really felt like you were doing something that would get you on TV. Now… I just don’t know what I can do to be part of a YouTube protest video that gets linked on those blog-things.”

For many citizens, this end has given them a chance to direct their bile towards places that are more traditionally accepted by the community at large: either inward at children and loved ones, or at professional American football teams. As luck would have it, the conclusion of these town halls has coincided roughly with the start of both the NFL and amateur beauty pageant seasons.

“Yeah, thank Jesus for those,” said Danny Verges, a machinist from Owensboro. “Luckily I have a two daughters, so I’ll be able to psychotically obsess over their achievements in lieu of the encroaching hand of socialism. Between that this irrational attachment I got not control over, I figure I'll do ok. Maybe I'll even go to one, get a few in me, start a fight with a rival father, traumatize my kid and any bystanders with my curse filled screaming fits after they lose..."

Asked whether he was referring to a beauty pageant or a professional football game, Verges replied, "What's the difference?"

For now, most are content to let their inexplicable anger seethe and grow inside them, confident that when they’re able to coalesce around a new cause, this stifled frustration will fuel the next great leap forward in poorly thought-out criticisms of ideas they only half understand.

Suggestions and advice

Wheelchair-Bound Woman Shouted Down At New Jersey Health Care Town Hall

A new low for these meetings may have been set when the crowd shouted down a wheelchair-bound woman with "two incurable auto-immune diseases" who had the gall to ask a question.

Steele Dismisses Woman Whose Mother Died Of Cancer

Duzak stood up and interrupted Steele, arguing that “everyone in this country should have access to good health care” and cited the case of her own mother who died of cancer six months ago because she couldn’t afford her prescription chemotherapy medications. The audience applauded her.

Steele responded by chastising Duzak and accusing her of pulling antics to get on TV. “So people go out to town halls, they go to the community, and they’re like this. (SHAKES ARMS) It makes for great TV. You’ll probably make it tonight. Enjoy it.”

GOP congresswoman tells uninsured constituent to ‘be a grown up’ and get insurance

At a recent town hall meeting, a 27-year old uninsured waitress named Elizabeth Smith asked Rep. Lynn Jenkins (R-KS) why as a working mother she can’t “get an affordable option” for health care. According to the AP, Smith’s 2-1/2-year-old son “hasn’t been to a doctor in 21 months, except for emergency room visits for ear infections, because she can’t afford either insurance or a doctor’s visit.” When Smith asked her question, Jenkins criticized creating “a government-run program” and said that she advocated tax credits so people like Smith could “go be a grown-up and go buy the insurance“

You know I'm no great fan of the GOP and the Teabaggers, but let me just offer one word of advice: if you wish for people to see you as anything other than big business stooges working against the interests of the American people and spreading lunatic fringe conspiracy theories in an effort to support your corporate masters, it's probably best to actually pretend to have some minor level of concern for the sick people and poor people who actually have real concerns about health care costs and accessibility. I know you really don't care, but pretend...for the children.

Though what do I know, maybe mocking cancer patients and wheelchair bound women is a brilliant strategy. I do know disrespecting the poor and working class has worked wonders. Still do it for my sake. If you aren't out there laughing at cancer patients it makes me seem less like I'm arguing again cartoonish caricatures of 1920's black mustached, caped, 'tying a woman to the train tracks' villains and more like I'm actually arguing against people with legitimate ideas. I know it isn't true, but let me have that illusion. So I can pretend this is still a functioning, rational country.

Stay classy, Steve

Finally someone stood up to the rowdy questioners and conspiracy theorists invading the supposed town hall health care debates and declared their questions to be bullshit. And it was a Republican, Steve LaTourette of Ohio, who did it. See...oh wait he didn't actually call one of the crazy people's questions bullshit, he called a legitimate question bullshit. I see how that works.

After agreeing with an audience member that everyone should be civil, LaTourette responded to a question about whether he would ever vote for reform by saying, "That's a bullshit question."

LaTourette also reacted to the outbursts at other town hall events by saying, "Sometimes chickens come home to roost."

Nice. Just so we're clear:

Are you going to support this? ---> Bullshit question

Why is the government going to kill my grandma?/Mind if I brandish this gun?/Hoot hoot hoot socialism ---> Legitimate chickens coming home to legitimately roost in an altogether legitimate manner

Stay classy, PA

The "Alabama in the middle" section of the state reared it's head today during Arlen Specter's nationally televised turn to get hooted at by tinfoil hat wearing birth certificate experts.

Towards the end, a man critical of health care reform asked Specter to “go back to Washington and represent us first as an American and tell Mr. Obama he’s an American and if not, there’s other countries.” When Specter replied by saying that “I think President Obama knows he’s an American,” many in the crowd booed and one person held up a sign saying “liar.”

See I think I know where Arlen's problem was: he tried to answer the question as if the man who asked it was a rational person with a legitimate concern. May I suggest the next time someone asks Specter to remind Obama he's an American or confiscate his license to prove he's an American, he should just take the microphone and attempt to beat the questioner within an inch of his life, then ask the audience if anyone else wants to waste his time.

Enlightened debate

If you were thinking of heading to one of the town halls our elected betters will be having on health care over the next few weeks...don't. Or should I say don't....if you were hoping for some form of informed debate, a chance to ask a real question, or a chance to hear a real answer. If you want to see an epic, crazy clusterfuck of deranged people yelling at Representatives on behalf of multi-billion dollar corporations, then go. Because if the memo from teabagging vets Americans for Prosperity and FreedomWorks is any indication, it's going to be a circus. And not the fun elephant beating kind either.

– Artificially Inflate Your Numbers: “Spread out in the hall and try to be in the front half. The objective is to put the Rep on the defensive with your questions and follow-up. The Rep should be made to feel that a majority, and if not, a significant portion of at least the audience, opposes the socialist agenda of Washington.”

– Be Disruptive Early And Often: “You need to rock-the-boat early in the Rep’s presentation, Watch for an opportunity to yell out and challenge the Rep’s statements early.”

– Try To “Rattle Him,” Not Have An Intelligent Debate: “The goal is to rattle him, get him off his prepared script and agenda. If he says something outrageous, stand up and shout out and sit right back down. Look for these opportunities before he even takes questions.”

Here's tip #4: "Cup your hand and defecate into it. Swing your arm in an arcing motion releasing the stool sample. Finish with pithy rejoinder about socialism and a pledge of fealty to a corporation of your choice."

I'm just so glad that when we're presented with a chance for intelligent debate on a subject of importance, we always rise to the occasion....with instructions for disrupting that debate and proper hooting techniques.