My confidence in the right wing outrage machine is fading. Sure they had a great week manipulating media anger and getting the Obama Administration to fire an innocent woman for made up reasons, but they're slipping on the little things.
I mean Rush or Glenn Beck should be on this, throwing a hissy fit as we speak. EA Sport put Obama into a video game! OH WON'T THESE SOCIALISTS STOP TRYING TO FORCE THEIR COMMUNISM DOWN OUR THROATS!!!! That's right, when you win the Super Bowl in the upcoming Madden 11, they have an expanded celebration sequence, complete with a digitally awkward Commissioner Goodell, a specialized speech by hyperactive scream machine Gus Johnson, and a team White House trip where digital players shake hands with a digital Obama and hand him a digital jersey, digitally warping the minds of the youth with 1's and 0's about upping the minimum wage, card check, and expanding the social safety net. WHY CAN'T THEY MEET REAGAN?
I'm not sure if this also will take into account the multi-season Franchise Mode. If I take my theoretical Steelers to the 2013 Super Bowl... who will be President then? Will it still be Obama, or has EA also put together a complex political matrix that analyzes candidates real time and slaps in a likely winner? Will digital Hines Ward be shaking hands with President Palin? I must know! Will the 2016 winners shake hands with Uncle Joe, replete with a fifth of whisky in his hand, or will they be shaking hands with a guerrilla leader amid gunfire and pile of tires on fire?
All I know is that a decent and respectably crazy Tea Party movement and Fox News establishment would have already declared this the end of civilization and deemed it a nefarious liberal plot to brainwash kids. Perhaps this is too cutting edge for them. Maybe they have to work their way from the Maypo kid saying something supportive about Woodrow Wilson on a Victrola recording to the Lone Ranger saying something vaguely supportive of the WPA on the radio, before making the jump to video games.
He's in our sporting video games.
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Showing posts with label football. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Broken In Brief: Tebow Passes on Nike Endorsement
DENVER--College football standout and Broncos' first-round draft pick, Tim Tebow, has turned down an estimated $40 million product endorsement contract from Nike, Inc., the world's leading supplier of athletic shoes and apparel."It is with the utmost respect for Nike that I decline this generous offer. As a Christian, I simply cannot in good conscience work for a company that violates the First Commandment by paying homage to an ancient Greek deity," announced Tebow during a televised fellating by ESPN football analyst Jon Gruden.
Added Tebow, "While I fully appreciate the exploitation of south Asian peoples for commercial or theological gain, my first duty is to Our Lord Jesus Christ. Idolatry, after all, is a mortal sin."
Given Tebow's success at the collegiate level and His inexplicably early selection in this year's draft, dozens of companies are rushing to fill the void left by Nike. First to the table was Gatorade, who boast not only a tie to Tebow's alma mater -- Gatorade was initially developed at the University of Florida -- but a stated willingness to replace their recent "G" rebranding initiative with a "J" campaign.
Also expected to contend for space in Tebow's wallet are Under Armor, currently focus grouping a "We Must Protect This House... of God" campaign, and GM's Chevrolet, which has reportedly brought John Mellencamp back into the studio to reprise "This is Our Country."
However, those close to St. Timothy of the Wildcat Formation expect Him to announce His intention to sign a deal with rival shoe company Reebok, most likely employing an erratic, looping pen stroke that leaves Him vulnerable to having the pen knocked out of his hand. While Reebok currently does not have a signature football shoe for Him to endorse, He is expected to immediately star in a print and TV campaign for their new Air Yeshua Max preaching sandal.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Quote of the day
ESPN Radio host, podcaster, and Pittsburgh sports aficionado Dave Dameshek on the decision to trade WR Santonio Holmes to the Jets for a roll of used tape and a tackling dummy Joe Namath nailed Angie Dickinson on.
However, James Harrison would beat the shit out of you. Just because.
Santonio for a 5th-rd pick? I'm gonna go puke in the bathroom. I hope Roethlisberger doesn't try to rape me while I'm in there.Uh, he would only allegedly try to rape you. Eventually charges would be dropped and a DA will decline to prosecute. Then all throughout the press conference announcing announcing this fact he would declare that while he probably did rape you, that they didn't have the evidence to prosecute and that Ben was definitely one lucky son of a bitch. Try to keep up.
However, James Harrison would beat the shit out of you. Just because.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Broken News: Entire NFL Charged in Nightclub Altercation
MIAMI—The Miami-Dade sheriff’s department announced today that they were charging the entire National Football League with aggravated assault and public drunkenness following a nightclub altercation with a woman late last week.
“After a thorough investigation, we feel we have enough evidence to proceed with formal charges against every player in the NFL,” announced Sgt. Adam Harlan, lead investigator on the case.
“On the evening of March 26th, every player was seen at Opium, a trendy hotspot on the strip,” the Sgt. explained, laying out the facts of the case. “It was at this point that every player was seen partaking of drinks in the VIP section of the club. At a later point every player approached a young woman, who will remain nameless, and attempted to hit on her. After she rebuffed the advances of every player, every player in turn verbally berated her and threw their drink at her, causing some bruising. At this point, authorities were called and police arrived at the scene to find every player intoxicated and staggering around the streets of downtown Miami. After a thorough investigation, it was decided that formal charges are in order.”
As yet, there has been no official response from the NFL, but sources close to Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that he seemed to be dismayed by the actions of every player, would be calling every player in to talk about the incident, and would be following the case closely from this point forward.
While these sources noted that talk was preliminary and subject to the results of the trial, they noted that Goodell was considering a suspension of every player in the league for anywhere from one to four games pending a conviction.
What appears to be troubling the Commissioner most is the fact that out of the nearly 1,696 beverages that simultaneously hit the alleged victim, from simple gin and tonics to Jägerbombs to seltzer to straight Jack Daniels, initial forensic testing shows that several of the nearly 30 jewel encrusted pimp cups that struck the women we laced with a medicinal codeine syrup commonly referred to as “syzurrup” or “purple drank”.
The NFL Player's Association was not so judicious in its commentary on the case.
“While we note that every player will co-operate thoroughly with this investigation, we feel that every player will, in the end, be exonerated of any wrongdoing,” announced NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith. “Besides, what kind of women hangs around almost 1,700 men and their entourages of nearly an additional 6,000 men? Perhaps she was asking for the contents of nearly three liquor stores and one-third of an ice truck to be thrown on her.”
For others, this just seems to be part of an ongoing problem the league needs to rectify and shows a lack of common sense on the part of every player.
“I think every player needs to take a serious look at the kind of positions they put themselves into. Maybe every player shouldn’t be out at the club on a Friday night,” observed Sport Illustrated columnist Peter King in his Monday Morning Quarterback football column, in between three paragraphs on lattes and a section on baseball spring training. “I just don’t think every player should be out doing this kind of thing, as I happen to know that several hundred of them are married.”
While some are unsure of what the commonly held “they shouldn’t put themselves in this position” principle exactly means when every pundit says it, most think it ranges from “don’t go out to a bar or club or anywhere where fun might be occurring” to “don’t let sunlight hit your skin or breathe outside air unless it’s for a football related reason.”
In any event, every player has retained the services of several hundred law firms and has vowed to fight this battle in court. Every player asks that you please respect their privacy and the legal proceedings until such a time as a verdict is rendered.
The trial is expected to begin in late July.
“After a thorough investigation, we feel we have enough evidence to proceed with formal charges against every player in the NFL,” announced Sgt. Adam Harlan, lead investigator on the case.
“On the evening of March 26th, every player was seen at Opium, a trendy hotspot on the strip,” the Sgt. explained, laying out the facts of the case. “It was at this point that every player was seen partaking of drinks in the VIP section of the club. At a later point every player approached a young woman, who will remain nameless, and attempted to hit on her. After she rebuffed the advances of every player, every player in turn verbally berated her and threw their drink at her, causing some bruising. At this point, authorities were called and police arrived at the scene to find every player intoxicated and staggering around the streets of downtown Miami. After a thorough investigation, it was decided that formal charges are in order.”
As yet, there has been no official response from the NFL, but sources close to Commissioner Roger Goodell noted that he seemed to be dismayed by the actions of every player, would be calling every player in to talk about the incident, and would be following the case closely from this point forward.
While these sources noted that talk was preliminary and subject to the results of the trial, they noted that Goodell was considering a suspension of every player in the league for anywhere from one to four games pending a conviction.
What appears to be troubling the Commissioner most is the fact that out of the nearly 1,696 beverages that simultaneously hit the alleged victim, from simple gin and tonics to Jägerbombs to seltzer to straight Jack Daniels, initial forensic testing shows that several of the nearly 30 jewel encrusted pimp cups that struck the women we laced with a medicinal codeine syrup commonly referred to as “syzurrup” or “purple drank”.
The NFL Player's Association was not so judicious in its commentary on the case.
“While we note that every player will co-operate thoroughly with this investigation, we feel that every player will, in the end, be exonerated of any wrongdoing,” announced NFLPA Executive Director DeMaurice Smith. “Besides, what kind of women hangs around almost 1,700 men and their entourages of nearly an additional 6,000 men? Perhaps she was asking for the contents of nearly three liquor stores and one-third of an ice truck to be thrown on her.”
For others, this just seems to be part of an ongoing problem the league needs to rectify and shows a lack of common sense on the part of every player.
“I think every player needs to take a serious look at the kind of positions they put themselves into. Maybe every player shouldn’t be out at the club on a Friday night,” observed Sport Illustrated columnist Peter King in his Monday Morning Quarterback football column, in between three paragraphs on lattes and a section on baseball spring training. “I just don’t think every player should be out doing this kind of thing, as I happen to know that several hundred of them are married.”
While some are unsure of what the commonly held “they shouldn’t put themselves in this position” principle exactly means when every pundit says it, most think it ranges from “don’t go out to a bar or club or anywhere where fun might be occurring” to “don’t let sunlight hit your skin or breathe outside air unless it’s for a football related reason.”
In any event, every player has retained the services of several hundred law firms and has vowed to fight this battle in court. Every player asks that you please respect their privacy and the legal proceedings until such a time as a verdict is rendered.
The trial is expected to begin in late July.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Broken News: Advertisements Declare: You're an Emasculated Pussy
MADISON AVE—Today spokespeople for the American Advertising Industry gathered to announce to the public that they think you, the American male, are a completely emasculated pussy, undeserving of love or quality goods, a disappointment to centuries of American heroes, a spineless fuck not worthy to be called a man, and a lowly wretch that they’d beat to death if only their products weren’t the cure to your sackless existence.
“You drive a gay lady car fit for the homoest of homos… you know that, right,” asked Chevy spokesman Howie Long, star of Firestorm, 8 time Pro-Bowl Defensive End, and Pro Football Hall of Famer.
“I mean, maybe you’re comfortable letting everyone know you don’t have anything dangling between your legs except for an IOU note signed by your maker, I don’t know. All I know is that you need to buy a goddamn Chevy before some longshoreman mistakes you for a Thai lady boy and makes a proper woman out of you in some filth-strewn back alley.”
“Even if you have a pickup truck and think you’re a man, I’m here to tell you that you aren’t,” Long spat disdainfully on the ground. “I bet it’s got lady steps and a sat nav and all the faggy accoutrements of the fake tough. You need a man’s truck. A Chevy. Then maybe a woman would look you in the eye or maybe let you see a boob for the first time in your existence, you pathetic virgin. I’m going to go have sex with your mother and make sure my flattop is level.”
Other spokesmen and brands were equally as harsh on their assessment of your fitness as someone who could be identified as part of the male gender.
“I ANNOUNCE SPORTS!!!” yelled CBS sports announcer and FLO TV spokesman Jim Nantz. “And if there’s one thing I fuckin’ know, it’s that you couldn’t hack it with the athletes I cover, you unmitigated weakling. Shit, unlike Howie I bet you actually have a girlfriend. Except she’s just slowly trying to wear you down into a nub of a man with constant demands for attention, a loving relationship, and shopping trips OH MY GOD THE FUCKING SHOPPING TRIPS!!!!”
“Listen, numbnuts,” Nantz continued, dropping his voice and sidling up to you. “I understand. Sometimes you gotta do some pretty fucked up shit, like listen or be present, to get some regular pussy. Hell, we all can’t announce the Masters on CBS and have the ladies throwing panties at them 24/7. I get it. But seriously, you alleged man, just get this live mobile TV system I worked up special for you and maybe, just maybe, your forefathers won’t weep in the afterlife at the complete gaywad their DNA produced.”
Some brands weren’t as nice or as optimistic about your prospects for actually using your cock at some point as FLO TV or Chevy.
Dockers announced that not only was it suspending its “Wear the Pants” campaign, but that it was getting out of the pants business entirely. In its place they’ll just craft khaki dresses and sarongs as it is their belief that you wouldn’t know what to do with men’s clothing if it walked up to you, framed out your house, drank a sixer, dunked a basketball, and played tackle football on the street with Howie fuckin’ Long.
The Dodge Charger brand set up a fund so that any “man” who wanted one could get a free sex change and gender reassignment surgery so that society will no longer have to burden itself with pretending like you would even know what a socket set is. Furthermore they announced that they would fully provide legal funding for anyone driving their ultra-manly rippling muscle car that happened to plow it into an alleged male whilst he was doing unmanly things: like treating a woman with respect, as an equal, or as anything other than a bang maid.
PepsiCo and Frito-Lay laid out a set of guidelines that you would have to pass in order to be allowed to purchase Pepsi and Doritos. It involves quoting lines from Slap Shot and a recognition test to see whether you can discern if something they read is an article from the latest issue of Playboy or a plotline from Sex and the City. Recognition of either constitutes failure.
“We’re just looking out for you… sniveling twat that you are,” said the physical embodiment of all things manly and consumer based, the Marlboro Man. “Just look at Howie over there. His name is Howie and he looks like the bouncer at a gay bar and yet he’s… SUCH A FUCKIN' MAN that we allow him to go on TV and call you a queer on behalf of us. It’s because he drives a Chevy, wear two pairs of Dockers, and don’t take no shit from no woman. Hell, we even had Betty White on during the Super Bowl to tell you just how emasculated you are.”
“Pay attention to that kind of shit, fucko. Betty White knows what a real man is and she doesn’t see a lot of them in America these days. So buy a goddamn pick-up truck already,” he concluded before the entire group just sighed, shook their heads, and walked out the room disappointed in you and the lavender scented state of the American male.
“You drive a gay lady car fit for the homoest of homos… you know that, right,” asked Chevy spokesman Howie Long, star of Firestorm, 8 time Pro-Bowl Defensive End, and Pro Football Hall of Famer.
“I mean, maybe you’re comfortable letting everyone know you don’t have anything dangling between your legs except for an IOU note signed by your maker, I don’t know. All I know is that you need to buy a goddamn Chevy before some longshoreman mistakes you for a Thai lady boy and makes a proper woman out of you in some filth-strewn back alley.”
“Even if you have a pickup truck and think you’re a man, I’m here to tell you that you aren’t,” Long spat disdainfully on the ground. “I bet it’s got lady steps and a sat nav and all the faggy accoutrements of the fake tough. You need a man’s truck. A Chevy. Then maybe a woman would look you in the eye or maybe let you see a boob for the first time in your existence, you pathetic virgin. I’m going to go have sex with your mother and make sure my flattop is level.”
Other spokesmen and brands were equally as harsh on their assessment of your fitness as someone who could be identified as part of the male gender.
“I ANNOUNCE SPORTS!!!” yelled CBS sports announcer and FLO TV spokesman Jim Nantz. “And if there’s one thing I fuckin’ know, it’s that you couldn’t hack it with the athletes I cover, you unmitigated weakling. Shit, unlike Howie I bet you actually have a girlfriend. Except she’s just slowly trying to wear you down into a nub of a man with constant demands for attention, a loving relationship, and shopping trips OH MY GOD THE FUCKING SHOPPING TRIPS!!!!”
“Listen, numbnuts,” Nantz continued, dropping his voice and sidling up to you. “I understand. Sometimes you gotta do some pretty fucked up shit, like listen or be present, to get some regular pussy. Hell, we all can’t announce the Masters on CBS and have the ladies throwing panties at them 24/7. I get it. But seriously, you alleged man, just get this live mobile TV system I worked up special for you and maybe, just maybe, your forefathers won’t weep in the afterlife at the complete gaywad their DNA produced.”
Some brands weren’t as nice or as optimistic about your prospects for actually using your cock at some point as FLO TV or Chevy.
Dockers announced that not only was it suspending its “Wear the Pants” campaign, but that it was getting out of the pants business entirely. In its place they’ll just craft khaki dresses and sarongs as it is their belief that you wouldn’t know what to do with men’s clothing if it walked up to you, framed out your house, drank a sixer, dunked a basketball, and played tackle football on the street with Howie fuckin’ Long.
The Dodge Charger brand set up a fund so that any “man” who wanted one could get a free sex change and gender reassignment surgery so that society will no longer have to burden itself with pretending like you would even know what a socket set is. Furthermore they announced that they would fully provide legal funding for anyone driving their ultra-manly rippling muscle car that happened to plow it into an alleged male whilst he was doing unmanly things: like treating a woman with respect, as an equal, or as anything other than a bang maid.
PepsiCo and Frito-Lay laid out a set of guidelines that you would have to pass in order to be allowed to purchase Pepsi and Doritos. It involves quoting lines from Slap Shot and a recognition test to see whether you can discern if something they read is an article from the latest issue of Playboy or a plotline from Sex and the City. Recognition of either constitutes failure.
“We’re just looking out for you… sniveling twat that you are,” said the physical embodiment of all things manly and consumer based, the Marlboro Man. “Just look at Howie over there. His name is Howie and he looks like the bouncer at a gay bar and yet he’s… SUCH A FUCKIN' MAN that we allow him to go on TV and call you a queer on behalf of us. It’s because he drives a Chevy, wear two pairs of Dockers, and don’t take no shit from no woman. Hell, we even had Betty White on during the Super Bowl to tell you just how emasculated you are.”
“Pay attention to that kind of shit, fucko. Betty White knows what a real man is and she doesn’t see a lot of them in America these days. So buy a goddamn pick-up truck already,” he concluded before the entire group just sighed, shook their heads, and walked out the room disappointed in you and the lavender scented state of the American male.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Quote of the day
Life is tough as a Cleveland Browns fan. You live in Cleveland, you root for the Browns.... it doesn't get much worse than that unless you're a Detroit Lions fan. But year after year after year you have to put up with first rounds busts, perennial top 10 drafting, 7-9 seasons as the promised land, late season 50 point drubbings, and QB play that makes one yearn for the competence of JaMarcus Russell.
But as if that's not enough, when your team President finally wakes up enough to put you out of some of your misery by jettisoning one of the men who claimed to be a NFL QB and antagonized you for years with his shoddy play, that man turns around and slams your city and team and attempts to levy a voodoo curse on the entire area.
On the bright side, we already know Cleveland is a cursed land, removed from God's sight and unfit for human habitation. But given Derek Anderson's penchant for waywardly heaving anything he attempts to throw so off course that it will never be found, isn't there a chance his attempted curse will just hit some other city or even act as a sort of reverse hex, cleansing the city of it's sporting shame? There is hope.
On the other hand, it would just be Cleveland's luck that this is the time Anderson finally gets a semblance of pinpoint accuracy. The Browns will probably never win anything again and LeBron James will somehow find himself being fed into a woodchipper.
Well, at least you have Brady Quinn. Nah, forget it. It's hopeless.
But as if that's not enough, when your team President finally wakes up enough to put you out of some of your misery by jettisoning one of the men who claimed to be a NFL QB and antagonized you for years with his shoddy play, that man turns around and slams your city and team and attempts to levy a voodoo curse on the entire area.
"The fans are ruthless and don't deserve a winner," Anderson wrote Tuesday in a terse e-mail when asked for a reaction to being released. "I will never forget getting cheered when I was injured.Do you see what happens when you correctly identify shitty QB play and voice your displeasure? The man starts throwing hexes as he's rightfully booted out of town.
"I know at times I wasn't great. I hope and pray I'm playing when my team comes to town and (we) roll them."
On the bright side, we already know Cleveland is a cursed land, removed from God's sight and unfit for human habitation. But given Derek Anderson's penchant for waywardly heaving anything he attempts to throw so off course that it will never be found, isn't there a chance his attempted curse will just hit some other city or even act as a sort of reverse hex, cleansing the city of it's sporting shame? There is hope.
On the other hand, it would just be Cleveland's luck that this is the time Anderson finally gets a semblance of pinpoint accuracy. The Browns will probably never win anything again and LeBron James will somehow find himself being fed into a woodchipper.
Well, at least you have Brady Quinn. Nah, forget it. It's hopeless.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Warning
As part of the These Bastards Child Protective Services we would just like to pass on a warning to those of our readers from Indianapolis or New Orleans who are headed to Miami to partake in the festivities surrounding Super Bowl XLIV. If you have a child and a British man comes sliding up to the little angel on his knees from a great distance while windmilling a guitar: take caution. This man is a danger! There may or may not be a mop headed man wailing in the background.
No, seriously.
Be forewarned, Townshend may be elderly and still able to shatter eardrums with a well placed windmill on Won't Get Fooled Again.
No, seriously.
Protect Our Children, a non-profit community watchdog group based in Brevard County, is mailing thousands of postcards out in Miami Gardens and the areas surrounding Sun Life Stadium.If you really want to protect your children, don't play them the albums Face Dances, It's Hard, and Endless Wire after they've heard Tommy, Live at Leeds, and Who's Next. Strike that, it's OK to play them Eminence Front off of It's Hard.
Townshend and his group, The Who, are slated to perform during halftime at Super Bowl XLIV on Feb. 7, and Protect Our Children has spent the past couple months trying to stop him from taking the stage.
Be forewarned, Townshend may be elderly and still able to shatter eardrums with a well placed windmill on Won't Get Fooled Again.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Good morning, here's Prince's ode to Brett Favre
Today Prince rose from purification ceremonies in the waters of Lake Minnetonka to declare his allegiance to the Minnesota Vikings with a fight song. That's right, Saints, not only do you have to face Old Man Favre and Purple Jesus, but you have to face the might of the Revolution and the New Power Generation. After he's done with you, he's gonna serve you pancakes.
Your move, Dr. John and Harry Connick Jr., your move.
After the jump are the lyrics, which were apparently co-written by a 13 year-old girl who texted them to Prince.
Purple and Gold Lyrics
the veil of the sky draws open
the roar of the chariots touch down
we r the ones who have now come again
and walk upon water like solid ground
as we approach the throne we won't bow down
this time we won't b denied
raise every voice and let it b known
in the name of the purple and gold
we come in the name of the purple and gold
all of the odds r in r favor
no prediction 2 bold
we r the truth if the truth can b told
long reign the purple and gold
the eyes say ready 4 battle
no need 4 sword in hand
we r all amped up like a rock n roll band
ready 2 celebrate every score
ready 2 fight the elegant war
ready 2 hear the crowd roar
that's what we came 4
and so much more
in the name of the purple and gold
r spirits may b tired
r bodies may b worn
but since this day is r destiny
r history – that's y we must b
4ever strong as the wind that blows the Vikings' horn
in the name of the purple and gold
Friday, January 8, 2010
Sports attack ads
If you were watching the BCS National Championship Game, perhaps you saw the new wave of ads that are sure to dominate sports: sports based attack ads. Because this county's decline won't be truly complete until all aspects of our life take the form of our retarded political culture.
Ok, I'm for the playoff and mad that this is just another one of his campaign promises that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA DIDN'T KEEP! But what about other important sports issues? Surely we need to start flogging the NFL and NFLPA to, for the love of God, get a collective bargaining agreement worked out so we A.) don't have a strike and miss one second of an NFL season, B.) don't see football turn into baseball with a few elite teams outspending everyone. How about the Committee to Horsewhip Bob Nutting? An impassioned plea for the Steelers to draft an offensive lineman high? A request for the Detroit Lions to stop, just stop?
Frankly I think we shouldn't be able to turn on a sporting event without seeing a sinister voice ask Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith if they hate America while flashing up pictures of Osama bin Laden and Hitler. If it'd mean one less repetitive beer ad hitting the airwaves, I'll fund it myself.
Ok, I'm for the playoff and mad that this is just another one of his campaign promises that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA DIDN'T KEEP! But what about other important sports issues? Surely we need to start flogging the NFL and NFLPA to, for the love of God, get a collective bargaining agreement worked out so we A.) don't have a strike and miss one second of an NFL season, B.) don't see football turn into baseball with a few elite teams outspending everyone. How about the Committee to Horsewhip Bob Nutting? An impassioned plea for the Steelers to draft an offensive lineman high? A request for the Detroit Lions to stop, just stop?
Frankly I think we shouldn't be able to turn on a sporting event without seeing a sinister voice ask Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith if they hate America while flashing up pictures of Osama bin Laden and Hitler. If it'd mean one less repetitive beer ad hitting the airwaves, I'll fund it myself.
Friday, November 20, 2009
The President can make a catch over the middle
How powerful is the NFL? They can convince the President that it's a good idea to star in a nationally run commercial where he's shown doing something athletic in slow motion. "Nah Barry, that won't make you look awkward at all."
What's with our supposed "all-world safety" there? Not only does Troy let a middle-aged, cigarette smoking Muslim socialist get inside position and burn him off the snap, he doesn't even see the hook and ladder play coming. "Elite", my ass.
And running the hook and ladder? "Barry is it is it OK if we show you running a gimmick play that basically symbolizes last ditch hopelessness and throwing all your eggs into a basket in the desperate hope that a miracle occurs and you rally to tie? It's not a metaphor for anything you're attempting politically, we swear."
What's with our supposed "all-world safety" there? Not only does Troy let a middle-aged, cigarette smoking Muslim socialist get inside position and burn him off the snap, he doesn't even see the hook and ladder play coming. "Elite", my ass.
And running the hook and ladder? "Barry is it is it OK if we show you running a gimmick play that basically symbolizes last ditch hopelessness and throwing all your eggs into a basket in the desperate hope that a miracle occurs and you rally to tie? It's not a metaphor for anything you're attempting politically, we swear."
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Video of the day
From the group Summer of Tears. I know Monday Night Football has Hank Williams Jr's "Are You Ready For Some Football" and Sunday Night Football has that "Don't you really want to bang Faith Hill" song, but the NFL Network's Thursday Night Football doesn't have a theme song. How about this one? It starts up again tonight and I bet it wouldn't be hard to get the rights. Chicago/SF, kickoff at 8:20. I'm telling you, NFL, this should be your opener. Splice in some tackle and touchdown shots, maybe a little more Jesus, and you're golden.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Video of the day
In honor of a goddamn bye week that went on too long (it should be illegal to schedule a Monday nighter following a bye) and freedom and the Berlin Wall coming down and Carl Sagan Day, we present an NFL Films tribute to one of the highlights of the Heinz Field gameday experience: Renegade.
Don't believe in the power of Renegade? Ask Tony Romo. Ask Brettfavreisjusthavingfunoutthere right after he fumbled for a TD. Ask Brettfavrejustlovesthegame after he threw a pick six. That's right, bitch got double Renegaded. No one can stand up to it. Sadly, we'll have to win on our own tonight, as I'm betting the Broncos aren't going to Renegade their own QB, Neckbeard. It'll be back in effect next week though.
Don't believe in the power of Renegade? Ask Tony Romo. Ask Brettfavreisjusthavingfunoutthere right after he fumbled for a TD. Ask Brettfavrejustlovesthegame after he threw a pick six. That's right, bitch got double Renegaded. No one can stand up to it. Sadly, we'll have to win on our own tonight, as I'm betting the Broncos aren't going to Renegade their own QB, Neckbeard. It'll be back in effect next week though.
Monday, October 26, 2009
Broken In Brief: NFL celebrates continuation of league wide conspiracy to rig games for the Steelers
Rugged Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre, who just has fun out there, is forced to watch as the referees hand another game to the Pittsburgh Steelers."I'm just glad I could be here to witness yet another occurrence of our league-wide conspiracy to steal victories from deserving franchise and give them to the Steelers," said a beaming NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell during a press conference to the national media. "Wow, what's that make it, 530 regular-season games? That's a hell of a milestone. It doesn't even factor in the 31 playoff wins and 6 ill-gotten Super Bowls we handed to them on a silver platter. I look forward to ordering up this travesty anywhere from another 5 to 7 times before the end of the season, depending on the playoff picture."
"Yeah, I thought so. Just look at the tripping call on Jeff Dugan. Total bullshit. Refs had to be in the bag," observed Vikings fan Carl Henriksson, wearing a #4 Favre jersey despite the presence of other, better players on the roster that will actually be playing next year and showing an expert ability to gloss over a questionable penalty on Heath Miller that negated a Steelers TD, as well as a holding penalty that went uncalled during Percy Harvin's 4th quarter kickoff return for a TD. "Glad to see the league is finally admitting what we all know is the truth, don' cha know."
Later in the evening, Goodell clarified that, due to a longstanding pact with both Satan and the Freemasons, this legitimacy-crippling corruption would continue to benefit the Steelers for roughly the next 100 years. Almost immediately, fans of the Vikings, Ravens, Bengals, Chargers, Raiders, Seahawks, and Browns began to nod their heads in recognition of the infernal bloodtrust. Many were heard to mutter "I knew it" under their breath before declaring that this was the only logical explanation for their respective franchise's latest step toward eternal futility, as well as the Steelers' post-NFL merger success.
At press time, no explanations had been offered for the routine ineptness of the aforementioned franchises.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
So long, fat man
Looks like it took Checketts and crew just over a week to figure out what pretty much everyone knew from the start: Rush Limbaugh is a giant fucking liability.
Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh was dropped from a group bidding to buy the St. Louis Rams...So much for watching an all-white professional football team get stomped to jelly.
...Limbaugh was to be a limited partner in a group headed by St. Louis Blues chairman Dave Checketts. Checketts said in a statement Wednesday that Limbaugh's participation had become a complication in the group's efforts and the bid will move forward without him.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Question
So, do you think CBS Announcer Gus Johnson actually ejaculated when Stokley caught the ball or was he actually that excited that somehow the Bengals found a new way to lose? I don't think I could get that excited about anything ever, so I'm going with a 20 second jeans creaming as the answer.
And really Denver people...Immaculate Deflection? It was week one against the Bengals. We're the only ones who are allowed to bastardize that phrase with all the lack of creativity we can muster.
Broken In Brief: Area man briefly distracted just long enough to appreciate womens' tennis as a sport
ST. LOUIS—Two days after the fact, John Anderson isn’t sure exactly how or why it happened. All this local man knows is that sometime during the second set of Saturday's U.S. Open semifinal match between Serena Williams and Kim Clijsters, he had stopped ogling the competitors breasts and asses and had begun to un-ironically appreciate their competition in a legitimate sport worthy of his attention.
“Yeah, I’m not proud of it, but contrary to the conventions of the American sports landscape, I was enjoying a woman’s sport divorced of all crude sexual connotations,” said Anderson, clearly disturbed by the revelation.
“It was somewhere during a third game rally that I noticed I was no longer crudely giggling when one of them grunted. I had begun to take account of their immaculate shot placement and the fierceness of the competition. It was when I turned to my friend Frank and observed that Clijsters was forcing Williams into a lot of unforced errors on her backhand that he looked at me oddly and I understood what was happening. I apologize.”
That friend, Frank Sanders, noted that while he was initially taken aback by this behavior, Williams’ end of match outburst towards a female line judge soon snapped Anderson back into action. “Yeah, when that happened, we went right into making catfight jokes and hooting at the screen,” Sanders relayed. “Thankfully this outburst helped John yank his head out of his ass before the damage became permanent.”
“Still, its hard not to respect everything that Kim Clijsters went through in this tournament. Coming back from a sabbatical after she went to start a family, entering as a wild card,and then winning? It’s really admirable… ”Sanders trailed off, realizing what was happening. “Great! Now I’m doing it too! That Monday Night Football doubleheader better get here fast before I’m forced to mentally grapple with complex gender issues or some shit.”
“Yeah, I’m not proud of it, but contrary to the conventions of the American sports landscape, I was enjoying a woman’s sport divorced of all crude sexual connotations,” said Anderson, clearly disturbed by the revelation.
“It was somewhere during a third game rally that I noticed I was no longer crudely giggling when one of them grunted. I had begun to take account of their immaculate shot placement and the fierceness of the competition. It was when I turned to my friend Frank and observed that Clijsters was forcing Williams into a lot of unforced errors on her backhand that he looked at me oddly and I understood what was happening. I apologize.”
That friend, Frank Sanders, noted that while he was initially taken aback by this behavior, Williams’ end of match outburst towards a female line judge soon snapped Anderson back into action. “Yeah, when that happened, we went right into making catfight jokes and hooting at the screen,” Sanders relayed. “Thankfully this outburst helped John yank his head out of his ass before the damage became permanent.”
“Still, its hard not to respect everything that Kim Clijsters went through in this tournament. Coming back from a sabbatical after she went to start a family, entering as a wild card,and then winning? It’s really admirable… ”Sanders trailed off, realizing what was happening. “Great! Now I’m doing it too! That Monday Night Football doubleheader better get here fast before I’m forced to mentally grapple with complex gender issues or some shit.”
Friday, September 11, 2009
Victory
Yeah....it's going to be one of those years again. Next Steelers coach I hear praise an offensive lineman gets punched in the throat. Seriously, how bad could Doug Legursky and Tony Hills be?
Also, fuck John Madden as his stupid cursed video game covers that injure shampoo endorsing DB's. Sorry Fitzy, looks like your ACL is going to explode on Sunday. It is destiny.
Still, a winisawinisawinisawinisawin.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Broken News: As town halls end America longs for new outlets to vent their angry insanity
THE HEARTLAND—“I just don’t know what to do now. All of this rage and sloganeering still left to yell about at completely inappropriate times. If these town halls are really over, where else am I going to be able to repeat all the stuff I read in chain emails to the people who sent me those emails?”
These are the words and concerns of Gaston Boyle, a tractor salesman from Dubuque. But they are also those of an increasing number of livid, directionless Americans. With health care town halls wrapping up as senators and representatives gleefully return to their "jobs," grateful for no longer having to endure their constituents, many citizens are wondering from where their next opportunity to shout conspiracies at public officials while being restrained by local law enforcement will arise.
“First we had the teabagging thing, which went OK. Then there was the health care fight, and that was a blast. But I don’t see what there is on the horizon to get worked up about,” observed Tony Paymer, a Mississippi diner owner fresh off a 30-day stay in the county jail for dumping 40,000 tea bags and 70,000 Sweet ‘N Low packets into the community pool.
“Maybe the czars thing that Hannity is all uppity about? Sure, it sounds like that disease from a few years back, but I don't know if I have the energy. I guess we could go back to the ‘black President’ thing, but that’s so passé and I hate repeating my ’08 material. Maybe some Kenyan stuff... I just don't know."
For many Americans, therein lies the problem: finding a new outlet for the irrational anger. Some are still clinging to the last gasps of the health care movement, hoping that continued references to death panels or some newly developed murder and/or line-waiting conspiracy will stem the inevitable tide of half-hearted, incremental reform.
Still, others have plowed straight into being afraid of governmental czars, stopping the government from trying to infringe upon coal companies god-given right to pollute, preparing gold coin designs and isolationist slogans for Ron Paul’s 2012 campaign, stopping Congress from making it easier for unions to organize, and going outside to yell at the sun and low flying birds. But these are scattered movements without a cohesive center and none has managed to channel the concentrated fury seen during the health care town halls.
“It just felt so good, going down to the local community center to yell at some overwhelmed representative about why he wanted to garrote everyone’s grandmother,” reminisced Sally Harrow, a homemaker from Valdosta. “You really felt like you were doing something that would get you on TV. Now… I just don’t know what I can do to be part of a YouTube protest video that gets linked on those blog-things.”
For many citizens, this end has given them a chance to direct their bile towards places that are more traditionally accepted by the community at large: either inward at children and loved ones, or at professional American football teams. As luck would have it, the conclusion of these town halls has coincided roughly with the start of both the NFL and amateur beauty pageant seasons.
“Yeah, thank Jesus for those,” said Danny Verges, a machinist from Owensboro. “Luckily I have a two daughters, so I’ll be able to psychotically obsess over their achievements in lieu of the encroaching hand of socialism. Between that this irrational attachment I got not control over, I figure I'll do ok. Maybe I'll even go to one, get a few in me, start a fight with a rival father, traumatize my kid and any bystanders with my curse filled screaming fits after they lose..."
Asked whether he was referring to a beauty pageant or a professional football game, Verges replied, "What's the difference?"
For now, most are content to let their inexplicable anger seethe and grow inside them, confident that when they’re able to coalesce around a new cause, this stifled frustration will fuel the next great leap forward in poorly thought-out criticisms of ideas they only half understand.
These are the words and concerns of Gaston Boyle, a tractor salesman from Dubuque. But they are also those of an increasing number of livid, directionless Americans. With health care town halls wrapping up as senators and representatives gleefully return to their "jobs," grateful for no longer having to endure their constituents, many citizens are wondering from where their next opportunity to shout conspiracies at public officials while being restrained by local law enforcement will arise.
“First we had the teabagging thing, which went OK. Then there was the health care fight, and that was a blast. But I don’t see what there is on the horizon to get worked up about,” observed Tony Paymer, a Mississippi diner owner fresh off a 30-day stay in the county jail for dumping 40,000 tea bags and 70,000 Sweet ‘N Low packets into the community pool.
“Maybe the czars thing that Hannity is all uppity about? Sure, it sounds like that disease from a few years back, but I don't know if I have the energy. I guess we could go back to the ‘black President’ thing, but that’s so passé and I hate repeating my ’08 material. Maybe some Kenyan stuff... I just don't know."
For many Americans, therein lies the problem: finding a new outlet for the irrational anger. Some are still clinging to the last gasps of the health care movement, hoping that continued references to death panels or some newly developed murder and/or line-waiting conspiracy will stem the inevitable tide of half-hearted, incremental reform.
Still, others have plowed straight into being afraid of governmental czars, stopping the government from trying to infringe upon coal companies god-given right to pollute, preparing gold coin designs and isolationist slogans for Ron Paul’s 2012 campaign, stopping Congress from making it easier for unions to organize, and going outside to yell at the sun and low flying birds. But these are scattered movements without a cohesive center and none has managed to channel the concentrated fury seen during the health care town halls.
“It just felt so good, going down to the local community center to yell at some overwhelmed representative about why he wanted to garrote everyone’s grandmother,” reminisced Sally Harrow, a homemaker from Valdosta. “You really felt like you were doing something that would get you on TV. Now… I just don’t know what I can do to be part of a YouTube protest video that gets linked on those blog-things.”
For many citizens, this end has given them a chance to direct their bile towards places that are more traditionally accepted by the community at large: either inward at children and loved ones, or at professional American football teams. As luck would have it, the conclusion of these town halls has coincided roughly with the start of both the NFL and amateur beauty pageant seasons.
“Yeah, thank Jesus for those,” said Danny Verges, a machinist from Owensboro. “Luckily I have a two daughters, so I’ll be able to psychotically obsess over their achievements in lieu of the encroaching hand of socialism. Between that this irrational attachment I got not control over, I figure I'll do ok. Maybe I'll even go to one, get a few in me, start a fight with a rival father, traumatize my kid and any bystanders with my curse filled screaming fits after they lose..."
Asked whether he was referring to a beauty pageant or a professional football game, Verges replied, "What's the difference?"
For now, most are content to let their inexplicable anger seethe and grow inside them, confident that when they’re able to coalesce around a new cause, this stifled frustration will fuel the next great leap forward in poorly thought-out criticisms of ideas they only half understand.
Areyoureadeeefosumfooooballll!
With the NFL season kicking off tonight with Mine and Sean's beloved Pittsburgh Steelers taking on the Tennessee Titans (full rubbing your nose in shit disclosure: I'm going), one question remains: are you ready for some football? Now if you root for God's team, as we do, you probably think you are in fact, ready for some football. You are not. Listen to this 30-40 times:
Now you are ready for some football...and possibly ready to kill the next living thing you see with your bare hands. Such is the power of NFL Films music, Sam Spence, and Classic Battle.
Now you are ready for some football...and possibly ready to kill the next living thing you see with your bare hands. Such is the power of NFL Films music, Sam Spence, and Classic Battle.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Start the goddamn season already
DPOY Silverback:
This man is ready to destroy. Let him do some damage that counts before he runs down a family of deer and eats them raw.
On the last play of practice today, outside linebacker James Harrison and tackle Jeremy Parquet were involved in a brief scuffle.Really? We have to sit through two more preseason games? Really? It's late August, why is the season starting so late this year? When is the Super Bowl, April?
No serious punches were thrown before teammates separated Harrison and Parquet. But Harrison could be heard yelling, "I want you to be scared! I want you to be scared!"
This man is ready to destroy. Let him do some damage that counts before he runs down a family of deer and eats them raw.
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