Republicans, we have found your teabag king

With Sarah Palin roaming the countryside promoting her book in a hellstorm of lies, ignorant policy statements, lies, softball interviews, lies, and petty gamesmanship, we are left with no doubt that she is the charming dainty Queen of the Grand Duchy of Teabaggery. Ahh, but who will rule alongside her in political irrelevance? Many suitors have tried to claim the crown, but few have succeeded, letting the taint of rationality and moderation scuttle their ascension. Thankfully, Doug Hoffman has stepped up to the plate.

Oh, you thought he went away when his carpetbagging maelstrom of teabagging wisdom and local ignorance cause the people of NY-23 to elect the first Democrat there since whites owned blacks? Nope! On the advice of Glenn Beck (bonus points~!), Hoffman has not only unconceded the race he already lost and for which the winner, Bill Owns, has already been sworn in for and is casting votes in the House for, but has unveiled a conspiracy so deep and so nefarious that it will no doubt shake the very core of teabagger society.

“As evidence surfaces, we find out that reported results from election night were far from accurate. ACORN and the unions did their best to try and sway the results to Obamacare supporter Bill Owens," Hoffman wrote on his campaign site. "Rest assured, they will not succeed, and I am therefore revoking my statement of concession.”
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"The people of NY-23 deserve to have their ballots counted properly, but we can't let ACORN or the unions keep that from happening. They have more lawyers and more experience tampering with democracy," he wrote.

"We need to make sure that fair elections are a reality in NY-23, just like our Founding Fathers envisioned. So long as we remain the "land of the free," we MUST ensure every vote is counted. Help us today so we may be the first of many conservative victories during the Obama Regime."

Dougy, Dougy, Dougy, aren't we forgetting the black hand of...well.....blacks, illegal immigrants and abortion doctors that helped steal this election from your deserving hands? Surely ACORN and labor unions alone couldn't derail this Hoffman juggernaut, could it? No, it was a conspiracy. ACORN has even gotten to Oswego County GOP Chairman George Williams and made him deny the truth. To the beverage aisle of your local supermarket, teabaggers! Your new king is going to need a lot of visible tea bag support and birth certificate analysis. Good luck. Expose this fraud for what it is.

Elections, Afghanistan style

What's the best way to win an election? Rig it. But what if dirty foreigners have already found out you rigged it and are making you follow your own Constitutional laws by having a second round? Run un-opposed. Works for Hamid Karzai.

Afghan officials on Monday canceled plans for a runoff presidential vote, declaring President Hamid Karzai the winner after the withdrawal on Sunday of his last remaining challenger, Abdullah Abdullah.

The announcement capped a fraught election widely depicted as deeply flawed by corruption and voting irregularities.

Azizullah Ludin, the chairman of Afghanistan’s Independent Election Commission, said the Constitution did not require a runoff and the second-round vote had been canceled after Mr. Abdullah’s announcement that he was dropping out of the race.

And so begins another term for the man charmingly called a "Weak Partner in Time of War". Why did Abdullah Abdullah drop out? Some combination of wanting to spare Afghans the election costs and insurgent attack risks inherent in a second round of elections, an offer from the CIA of big time money like Karzai's brother gets, the emergence of a pesky red laser dot that appeared on his chest last week and kept moving from his heart to between his eyes an back to his heart over and over again, and a desire not to fall victim to another election rigging on the "rig an election once, shame on you; rig an election twice, shame on me" principle.

Finally, now that Karzai has "won", we can get down to the business of sending our last remaining troops there to start Operation Our Bad, We Really Should Have Done This Stuff Eight Years Ago, Better Late Than Never, Right? But don't worry, Afghanistan's, shall we say, contentious history with occupying forces, combined with the fact that it took us nearly eight years of bombing runs and fighting to actually conceive of a strategy, widespread corruption in the Karzai government, their drug trade economy and drug lord power hierarchy, combined with the fact that we still know little to nothing about the politics and people of the area will all be figured out....by dicking around there for another six months or so. Well, at least we've got those pesky election questions out of the way. That'll probably fix most of it.

A quote to make you feel better about our involvement in Afghanistan

From the New York Times Week In Review article entitled The Great American Arm-Twist in Afghanistan

“Mr. Karzai got 48 percent of the vote and Abdullah got 27,” said Azizullah Ludin, the chairman of the Independent Election Commission. Despite its title, the commission is widely seen here as a tool of the president. “We will have another election, and we’ll have the same result.”

Mr. Ludin smiled broadly. “Karzai is going to win.”

In case you glossed over this part: he's the chairman of the Independent Election Commission.

I don't ask for much, but if we're going to go to the trouble of propping up your bullshit government while we pour billions of dollars and thousands of lives into your massive religious fundamentalist jugfuck of a country, can you not more or less smile and wink at a second round of vote rigging after you just got caught doing it in the first round? Especially if you're the guy in charge of the elections? Thanks. Also? Less of this.

Whew, crisis averted

Ladies and gentlemen we have averted a crisis. Hamid Karzai has accepted the results of the UN's Electoral Complaints Commission and will consent to a second round of voting. That means we get to add 40,000-70,000 news troops on the ground! Oh and something about democracy, constitutional something something, rule of law, and blah blah blah. 40,000-70,000 more troops!

Afghanistan will hold a second round of voting on 7 November after an election panel reluctantly accepted that massive fraud took place in August's poll, which President Hamid Karzai was declared to have won.
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The US senator John Kerry, who was in Kabul for some diplomatic arm-twisting, sought to put the best spin on what has been a chaotic election process. Praising Karzai for his "great leadership", Kerry told reporters: "A great moment of uncertainty has been transformed into a time of great opportunity.
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"It was feared that Karzai was preparing to reject the UN Electoral Complaints Commission's (ECC) findings of fraud, which had the effect of cutting his total by 954,526 votes and reducing his percentage of the vote from 55% to 48.3%.

Yeah John, nothing says "great leadership" like finally relenting in your opposition to the multitude on international election agencies and diplomats pointing out, with specific detail and with reams of evidence, specifically how you rigged your election to the tune of a million votes. Karzai is the new Churchill. And that "great opportunity", is that for us to escalate the war without it looking like we support a total despot or for Afghanistan to move forward with only a largely compromised leader who is more and more distrusted by the non-Pashtun ethnic groups in the country?

At least it'll remove all the uncomfortable silences from the track we used to be on, where we talk about not escalating until we do a "careful assessment" of the Afghan government...and then escalate anyway while Karzai refuses to allow a new election. Now we get to say "Sure he rigged an election, but when everyone pointed it out he admitted it and allowed the second round of voting to commence" and proceed with moving more troops in. I know that doesn't sound good, but you just made the tiny mistake of thinking about it. Don't concentrate so much on the "rigged an election part" and focus more on the "allowed the second round" part. Still don't think about it too hard, just bathe in the light of the "allow" and start to feel good about 40,000-70,000 more troops in Afghanistan. No, I can see you thought about it again, I saw that ugly look on your face. Stop. "Allow", "great leadership", "great opportunity", happy thoughts, good feelings.

Yes, uh..."stunning" is the word I'd use

So the look into Afghanistan's "election" is finished according to the ECC and it seems that the electoral fraud that was obvious to everyone turned out to be obvious to a panel of experts as well. Not that it's going to do anything to hamper our transfer of funds to his government, increase in troops to his country, and escalation of our war against terror. See, Karzai is a crook, but he's our crook. Plus, he's a much smaller crook than anyone thought.

An investigation of allegedly fraudulent ballots in Afghanistan's troubled election has reduced President Hamid Karzai's portion of the vote to about 47 percent, an outcome that will trigger a runoff between him and his closest competitor, according to officials familiar with results.

The tally by the U.N.-backed Electoral Complaints Commission, which one official called "stunning," is due to be finalized Friday. Preliminary results by Afghanistan's Independent Election Commission had given Karzai 54.6 percent of the Aug. 20 vote.

7.6%? C'mon that's practically honest. The little scamp just wanted to avoid a run-off election, because he knows heeding the ways of democracy according to the manner in which their constitution demands is detrimental to his country. Now there's going to be another election, more money is going to be spent, a new round of threats levied against those who vote by the Taliban, and the onset of winter might drive voter apathy to American levels. That is, of course, if Karzai even recognizes the results of the study. You see he thinks that the study of the internationally back election for his internationally backed and funded government during the internationally backed, funded, and fought war for the liberation of his people is too tainted by the stench of international involvement. There is that.

But these findings have "major implications for the Obama administration's ongoing deliberations over Afghanistan war strategy" according to the Washington Post. You see, depending on how Karzai responds to the discovery of his obvious election rigging will determine how we go forward in Afghanistan. You see if he allows the runoff to go forward and admits the fraud, well then we'll give his government billions of dollars and escalate the war in his country. But if he refuses to do either, then we'll just be forced to give his government billions of dollars and escalate the war in his country...but with a head cocked skeptically and a cautious look on our faces. So you can see what hangs in the balance here.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.12

A Dogged Taliban Chief Rebounds, Vexing U.S.
What the one thing you most wanted to hear about Afghanistan in the news? Was it the quote "he’s staged one of the most remarkable military comebacks in modern history" being made in reference to one-eyed Taliban leader Mullah Omar's Afghan resistance? I guess we're learning the famous lesson of war in Afghanistan: don't start a war in Afghanistan. Or maybe it's more: once you start a war in Afghanistan, don't completely cripple it by immediately starting a war with Iraq and forgetting about it for eight years.

Head of NFL players union opposes Limbaugh’s bid: Sports are meant to reject ‘discrimination and hatred.’
Wait, so you're telling me that a league comprised of around 70% black guys isn't all that thrilled with the prospect of a man with a history of racially charged (to put it mildly) statements about blacks, the black community, black leaders, black athletes, and especially black football players buying an NFL football team? I understand your objections, but you might want to consider letting him buy the team. Reason 1: so we can finally take him off the list of "people who we are ashamed are big Steelers fans." Reason 2: he's trying to buy the Rams. No good can come of that for Rush. He'll leave beaten and battered in a few years muttering "they're terrible...oh so terrible, my God the horror." Don't you want to see that happen to him?

Nasa's LCROSS lunar mission uses Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Sure the LCROSS mission didn't actually achieve it's scientific goal. One: it kicked of Moon War with a bang. Two: it was able to quote the existence pondering sperm whale from Hitchhiker's Guide while doing so. Far as I'm concerned that's a couple million well spent. Now crash something into Mercury while quoting Life of Brian.

Fur flies on 'Mr. Fox'
Turns out that if you want to direct a stop motion adaptation of a Roald Dahl novel not only do you not have to know anything about stop motion, but you don't even have to show up to get the directing credit or communicate to the people doing it in any other way besides e-mail. At least that's what Wes Anderson thinks. The other people on the film weren't really big fans of the process. Doesn't exactly raise my hopes for the film. But the article does reveal that the film is going to be cool-looking, detail-saturated, retro-leaning, and have a 60's era rock soundtrack. That's a shocker.

Afghan quits election panel, claiming foreigners are making all decisions
Well this certainly looks promising for the UN panel set to investigate widespread Afghan election fraud: one of the Afghans quit, citing problems with the way things were being run and decisions being made. Apparently he didn't like to be told to "shuuuuut uuuuuup" when he expressed concerns that Hamid Karzai wasn't the duly elected leader of Afghanistan. Seems he didn't get the message that this is the good kind of election rigging. Hopefully the next guy they put on the panel does understand that.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.08

U.S. Tried to Soften Treaty on Detainees
Part 367,892 in the series: I Can't Believe the Bush Administration Tried To Do That! In this episode our boy wonders decided that it was time to soften the language and legal requirements behind state sanctioned kidnappings. In the end they weren't able to soften the language because it had to suffer the scrutiny and support of over 81 countries also signed on to the treaty, several of whom expressed concerns over stuff like kidnappings. Ah well, maybe Cheney can get it done when he wins in 2012.

Job outlook hits worst-ever level
Job seekers, hang yourselves on my mark.........now. That's right, the Employment Outlook Survey has reached its lowest level since 1962. All in all -3% of employers (seriously) plan on doing additional hiring this quarter and eight sectors have shown a negative hiring outlook. I don't know what that means, so I'll just add it to the list I have marked 'Horrible Sounding Shit' and be done with it.

President Says His Critics Lack Health-Care Answer
You know Barry, a month from now when health care is either defeated or some milquetoast, no public option, expensive private sector giveaway, that is unpopular with America at large is passed and Republicans are able to sit back, laugh, and realize they got all this with about one Republican voting for it and by acting like insane people, I'm not sure the first thing they'll say to themselves is "But we didn't have the answer." They'll just be figuring out how to duplicate the process on the next big legislative fight.

Election monitors cry foul as Karzai vote hits 54 per cent
Don't you just love it when our buddy in Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai, takes a look at the election fraud in Iran and says to himself "That looks like a great idea, but I'm on a budget, so I'll have to rig my election on the cheap and in more blatantly obvious ways"? It's always great when the UN's Electoral Complaints Commission says things like "clear and convincing evidence of fraud". I'm sure this will cause us to rethink our position of support for Karzai and the war in Afghanistan. Just kidding. The correct response is "Who cares?"

Google Trends: Sep 8, 2009
What's that, Google Trends? You say popular searches include melanie oudin boyfriend and caroline wozniacki breasts? I think I smell Women's US Open tennis fever taking hold in America's groins hearts. You know what's surprisingly not on the list? "US statutory rape laws."

Something smells fishy about this election

Surely this whole Iran "protest"/"revolution" thingy dingy isn't going to simmer down anytime soon. Why? Well those mass arrests and shootings for one, planned nationwide strikes, Mousavi claiming he's ready for martyrdom, half of the clerics criticizing the actions of the other half, and now there's evidence that the vote....wait for it...might have been fraudulent. I know, it's surprising to find this Iranian election might have been more rigged than a clipper ship, but I'm beginning to suspect that's the case. But don't believe me, believe Iran's Guardian Council.

Iran's Guardian Council has suggested that the number of votes collected in 50 cities surpass the number of people eligible to cast ballot in those areas.

The council's Spokesman Abbas-Ali Kadkhodaei, who was speaking on the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting (IRIB) Channel 2 on Sunday, made the remarks in response to complaints filed by Mohsen Rezaei -- a defeated candidate in the June 12 Presidential election.

"Statistics provided by the candidates, who claim more than 100% of those eligible have cast their ballot in 80-170 cities are not accurate -- the incident has happened in only 50 cities," Kadkhodaei said.

Now true, the Guardian Council does try to pass this off as completely normal and cast it aside with a sweep of the hand by saying it probably only affected 3 million or so votes, but that's OK because Ahmadinejad won by more than that. So there's really nothing to worry about. These results were confirmed in a separate analysis by eggheads with books.

I've got to say this is a new one. "Sure there was widespread fraud that is so obvious we had to address it. But that's OK because the margin we picked Ahmadinejad to win by exceeded the amount of fraud we mistakenly made so obvious. Now fuck off." But when you're trying to set the record for Most Fraudulent Election, it's nice to follow the count and recount that featured no counting with reassurances that its normal for most places to have more votes than voters. At least they're consistent. But this is what happens when democracy tries to get in the way of theocracy. The people voted for who they wanted, but God knew better, so things had to be rigged on His behalf. Sorry Iran, but after all God is pretty smart and this is the system you didn't vote for. I'm sorry you couldn't understand that.

Everybody chill out. Nate Silver is here.

America's #1 pop statistician (yes, we have those) chimes in on some, ahem, irregularities in rural voting patterns during Iran's recent presidential election. Apparently all of the farmers suddenly love Ahmadinejad.

This means that at least one of two things must be true. Either the urban-rural dynamics of Iran have changed significantly over the last four years -- at least insofar as it they affected perceptions of a candidate like Ahmadinejad. Or, alternatively, the election was rigged, and those who rigged it for some reason decided that rural votes were easier to steal.

Enjoy your fatwa, Nate. You'll be missed.

Broken in Brief: Iran can't believe you bought that 'democracy' bullshit

TEHRAN--Diplomatic relations between the west and the Islamic Republic of Iran have collapsed virtually overnight as the Middle East power has become distracted by quashing reformist protests to the disputed presidential election and rolling around on the floor in a fit of debilitating laughter.

Orders by both incumbent president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to crush opposition demonstrations over rampant voting irregularities were reportedly issued through tear-filled eyes, as neither Mr. Ahmadinejad nor Mr. Khamenei were able to stop laughing long enough to order police and military into the streets with a straight face.

"I... can't... believe... you all.. fell... for... it," the diminutive leader said, barely able to speak through his constant, hysterical laughter. "It was so obvious, and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Here, let's shake hands and make up," he finsished, offering up his hand in friendship. "Whoops," he yelled, pulling his hand back dramatically as onlookers attempted to shake it. "I got you again. AH HA-HA-HA! This is too easy! Ali, Ali, you talk, I can't stop laughing."

But Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was unable to even form basic words as he was laughing so hard. As he was doubled over cackling, some journalists began to point out a trail of urine seeping out from under his robes. Soon he was able to compose himself enough to sarcastically toddle over to a cardboard box at the side of the stage and mockingly put a slip of paper into it.

"Look! Look! I'm expressing my rights as a free citizen," the religious leader said before once again rendering himself unable to speak due to his uncontrollable chortling. It was at this point that President Ahmadinejad fell to the floor laughing, clutching his sides, and kicking his legs in a wild manner. "It's... just... so... funny," he squealed, gasping for air.

At press time opposition and protest leaders were unable to understand what was so funny. But sources close to them were preparing their own return joke. One source close to rival Presidential candidate Hossein Mousavi was heard to quip, "From a physical comedy standpoint, what's funnier when it happens to a despotic leader: public stoning or public hanging?" before being dragged away and tossed into a windowless van.