Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.01

Gregg Peltz's Victorian Star Wars portraits

Health care overlord Comrade Obama has unleashed his health care scheme on us. Now he has informed us of the exact schedule of and options we will have under the oppressive bootheel of his socialist scheme. Healthcare.gov gives people the rundown on the new health care policy, from the exact time the spirit of Lenin will possess your youngest child, to the brainwashing camp schedule, to when you can schedule the shock troops to kick in your door and stick grandma with a Bowie knife.

Talking Points Memo recounts the saga and details of the Russian spy ring and finds them lacking. Almost comically inept. From not actually getting any useful information, handing over their equipment to undercover FBI agents, to stating their address as 99 Fake Street, they weren't struggling to make the Russian espionage hall of fame. Not that any of this matters, this is all a viral marketing scheme for Salt... OPENING JULY 23RD!

All throughout this massive global financial crisis, we have been able to say one thing: we may have a government rife with banking shills and financial conglomerate insiders, but at least they're working for us. Like, putting us on the hook for billions of dollars worth of worthless Bear-Stearns assets... and then lied to Congress about it. So lets see, that makes it Bernanke, Geithner, most of the White House, every elected Republican, significant chunks of House Democrats, and every key Democrat in the Senate working to largely look out for the interests of the financial industry over citizens. Goddamn, Boehner was right... that's not nearly enough protection for the financial industry.

Soccer is taking hold, America. Sure, the US National Team, as is typical, shit itself about a round before it should have to realistically maximize this World Cup, but it's making inroads. How do we know? Landycakes' winner against Algeria broke the intarwebs and all associated internetting tubes. It was officially the biggest driver of internet traffic ever. Socialized medicine, liberals in charge, and gay no hands/no hitting sports taking over our consciousness? We're almost Europe, people. Or, alternately, a third world country if you follow John Oliver's math. If we don't eat sufficient amounts of red meat and blow up large chunks of this country over the weekend, we're essentially indistinguishable from Portugal.

We would like to join the world in wishing legendary effects maestro Ray Harryhausen a happy 90th birthday. Your Clash of the Titans still looked more real than this summer's Clash of the Titans. In honor of the man, here are fighting skeletons.

Who is interested in having nightmares tonight?

Because Uncle Matthew is going to give them to you. It's a little piece of brilliance called the Cat With Hands and is a semi-stop-motion short.

As the Daily What describes it the film "tells the story of a decidedly creepy cat with human hands who meets a young boy and promptly rips his face off to wear as his own.

Then things get weird."

Sweet dreams.

The Cat with Hands from amenhaton on Vimeo.

Understatement of the day

President Obama has been taking heat from the crazy sectors of American politics for his recent decisions on nuclear policy and nuclear treaties. And why not? It's rare that these people get a serious chance to concoct ill informed rants about nuclear hellfire and World War III what with the recent conversation tipping so much towards health care and financial regulatory reform. Riffing on Obama turning America into an irradiated wasteland where men have to do battle with atomic mutants because of the failures of liberalism is so much more visceral than trying to concoct a doomsday scenario around increased regulation for financial giants.

To that end, the President was asked about reaction to his nuclear policy, specifically from future gameshow host, wholesale wine spokesperson, and Expert About Everything, Sarah Palin. To his credit, the President didn't wet himself laughing. He just kind of slightly understated what her commentary means to him.

OBAMA: I really have no response. Because last I checked, Sarah Palin's not much of an expert on nuclear issues.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But the string of criticism has been out there among other Republicans as well. They think you're restricting use of nuclear weapons too much.

OBAMA: And what I would say to them is that if the secretary of defense and the chairman of the Joints Chiefs of Staff are comfortable with it, I'm probably going to take my advice from them and not from Sarah Palin.

STEPHANOPOULOS: But not concerned about her criticisms?

OBAMA: No.

Yes, she isn't much of an expert on nuclear issues, among a vast multitude of other issues most people like to categorize under the header "All the Issues." Wait, strike that, if teen pregnancy, quitting, and snowmobile maintenance ever become national issues, she'd clean up.

I know what you're saying "How is Sarah not an expert on this issue, given that the treaty is with Russia and given her oft stated foreign policy expertise/coastal sight lines with Russia?" Ahh, dear reader, she can see Russia, thus making her a general expert on it and a sworn protector of the mainland from Putin's influence, but she can't see any of their nuclear or missile launch facilities from Wasilla, so how can she know that much about them?

So thank you Mr. President for taking the understated, classy route. You could have yelled "The bitch is crazy", "What is it you in the media think she fucking knows about anything?", you could have laughed for so long that it started to make interviewer George Stephanopolous uncomfortable, or you could have just dead eyed George and asked him "Are you shitting me? Sarah Palin?", but you didn't. You just hinted she shouldn't be listened to about anything, noted that you have actual policy and military experts that you consult, and kept the sarcasm to minimal levels. Nicely understated.

We will burn in nuclear fire

Today the United States and Russia signed a new nuclear arms reduction pact. It was a stirring ceremony where President Obama strode to the stage, took the irrepressibly tiny Dmitri Medvedev out of his right front pocket, set him on a toadstool, patted him on the head, and went and sat at his chair. Medvedev looked over to Vladimir Putin who flashed a thumbs up and released Medvedev's children from the secret location he was holding them, and the treaty was signed.

The treaty, if ratified, would require each country to deploy no more than 1,550 strategic warheads (down from 2,200), each would be limited to 800 total land, air and sea-based launchers (down from 1,600 permitted under the Strategic Arms Reduction Treaty of 1991), and would re-implement a inspection regime and legal framework that had lapsed last December with the expiration of START. It's sensible, is a reduction in nuclear weapons, restores critical inspection measures, and gets us back on good diplomatic footing with Russia... so I'm sure this will come nowhere near getting the 67 votes needed to pass in the Senate.

Indeed, with this and the recent release of the Congressionally mandated Nuclear Posture Review, only one question remains: how has President Obama just insured our nuclear death with these reckless measures towards our precious, precious A-Bombs? Well as right wing pundits quickly informed us: by apparently ensuring that we would not retaliate if comrade Lenin rose from the grave and sent a first strike at the heartland.

Watch Fox News freak out:


Mmm, so reckless towards our safety and yet... so hot. The way her eyes bug out as she contemplates Obama sentencing us to an irradiated exploding death... she cares about our future.

Of course it's bullshit, as we still keep our first-strike strategy, actually reserves the right of retaliation, reserves the right of nuclear retaliation in non-nuclear attacks, and our bombs still give our generals a 10 on the atomic war boner scale.

But just so you're aware of the new panic: we're all going to die as Obama invites a nuclear strike and then fails to retaliate. Maybe he'll even launch our nukes at us, who knows? What's clear is that we have effectively surrendered to Russia. So practice huddling under your desk for protection and come up with a cool pose for when your shadow gets permanently etched onto some wall, because the liberals have killed us for certain this time. All on account of renewing a treaty and releasing a Congressionally mandated review. Who saw that coming?

Diplomacy is for adults

The dance of diplomacy is a complicated one in which there is much give and take in a relationship over a long term in order to produce a mutually beneficial result, usually centered around trade or us bombing a third party. On the other hand, with Venezuela, sometimes diplomacy is just a dance of childish mockery, petulance, and schoolyard antics. Chavez calls us some form of a devil, we call him a cheap despot, he tells us to stop using our earthquake machine on Haiti, we tell him that we regret ever showing him the earthquake machine, he claims we killed off all the bigfoots, and we mock the poverty and instability of his country.

Essentially he uses any opportunity to launch himself, Wile E. Coyote style from a large slingshot, into any situation dressed in full clown makeup. We in turn respond by mocking him and pointing out the poverty of his country and, if the mood suits us, by trying to overthrow him.

For instance take the recent state visit to Venezuela by Russian PM Vladimir Putin. While there to compare notes on what it's like to never have to leave power, Putin expressed support for Russia helping Venezuela achieve a particular goal of theirs. Namely launching Hugo Chavez, or perhaps some other Venezuelan, or perhaps space tourists into orbit. Because Hugo buys so many weapons from Russia, $4 billion worth at last count, not only is Russia going to help Hugo build nuclear plants, they're going to help Hugo set up a space launcher and factory. Why does Venezuela need a space program? Only the mind of Chavez knows. But America was quick to reply with a Chavez sized dose of international snark.

Phil Crowley, a spokesman for the US State Department said the two nations had the right to pursue relations with whichever nations they chose but he questioned the South American country's priorities.

"I think in the meeting there was some suggestion of space travel by Venezuela," he said.

"We would note that the government of Venezuela was largely closed this week due to energy shortages and to the extent that Venezuela is going to extend resources on behalf of its people, perhaps the focus should be more terrestrial than extraterrestrial."

After that, Crowly reportedly extended his hand, dropped the mic theatrically, and waved his hand in front of his face yelling "FACE!!!" while head of the Bureau of Western Hemisphere Affairs, Assistant Secretary of State Arturo A. Valenzuela, yelled "You just got dealt on, Hugo!"

As of yet, Venezuela has not yet responded to getting diplomatically sizzerved. But when Hugo gets out of the library after researching some epic conspiracy that was heretofore unknown that we caused/controlled/covered-up for our benefit/South America's detriment/so as not to reveal how weak we truly are, we'll bring you the details. I'm betting it has something to do with mer-people, Atlantis, and just when the CIA commissioned El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo.

Picture of the day

The Big Picture Blog closes it's look at the 2010 Vancouver Games. It was a spirited two weeks of luge death, event and pageantry malfunctions, puff pieces, pillorying NBC for it's coverage, Bob Costas' patented smugness, beloved Pittsburgh athletes betraying America in the name of Canada, and some athletes competing or something.

Up next is the 2012 London Summer Games followed by the 2014 Sochi Winter Games. Apparently Sochi is a Russian city of 300,000 near the Black Sea on the Georgian border. I doubt that it is a real city or even an actual place, because I sure as hell haven't heard of it. I do recall hearing something about a London though.

As always, click to embiggen.

Picture of the day

click to embiggen

Via Space Gizmo, comes a look at Russian cosmonaut Oleg Kotov performing a spacewalk while working on Mini-Research Module 2.

Or so they would have you believe. Me and Hugo Chavez know Oleg is just recalibrating Russia's earthquake machine, Comrade Rumblovitch, for it's inevitable battle with our earthquake machine, El Ultimo Tectonico Diablo. And you thought the space program was boring.

Russia: saving our asses

Space. It may seem benign, what with all the pretty pictures of it we post in our picture of the day feature, but in reality it is a ticking time bomb of murder just waiting to lob some Texas sized kill rock at us in a wanton act of aggression. I know this. You know this. Science knows this. Most importantly: Russia knows this.

Out there, right now, some large chunk of debris is out there waiting to do to us what they already did to the dinosaurs. But where the dinosaur's asteroid deflection technology was laughably inadequate, ours is strong. You see, the thunder lizards didn't have Vladimir Putin.

In an interview today with Voice of Russia radio, Russia’s space agency chief said discussions would begin soon over a plan to save the world from a collision with a massive asteroid.

It’s not clear how, exactly, the Russians plan to deflect Apophis, a chunk of rock the size of two and a half soccer fields that was first discovered by astronomers in 2004. Anatoly Perminov, the space agency head, promised that there would be “no nuclear explosions” and that everything would be done “on the basis of the laws of physics.”

Astronomers initially guessed that Apophis had a reasonably good chance of smashing into Earth on its first flyby; NASA now reckons that the chances of that have gone from slim (one-in-45,000) to almost none (four-in-a million). But despite the lower NASA estimate, the Russians aren’t so sure. Perminov said the asteroid “will surely collide with the Earth in the 2030s.”

You can't fool the Russian with your mathematical projections and theoretical models. There is one thing that everyone in Russia knows: that fucking rock is going to fucking end life as we know it and it's up to their country to stop it. Sure, the asteroid absolutely won't hit us in 2029, but there's an infinitesimally small change that Apophis will hit a gravity well and swing back around for the kill shot in 2036. Sure the chance that it'll happen is about the same as you winning the lottery while being attacked by a shark that's being attacked by killer bees, but do you think Prime Minister Putin wears a chain-mail suit and a beekeepers outfit every time he scratches off an instant lottery ticket? For fun? No, because he doesn't trust the odds.

So don't worry about that asteroid you weren't worried about and science says that you should in no way be worried about. Russia has got a handle on it and they totally swear they won't fire nukes at it. How will they do it then? Don't know. Maybe Putin will be flown up into orbit shirtless and he'll allow the asteroid to collide with his brawny chest, destroying the interstellar nuisance. Maybe they'll attack rockets to Apophis and move it out of position. They'll probably just end up firing nukes at it. In any event, we at These Bastards commend Russia for taking unnecessary space action towards a non-existent threat. Someone has to do it.

Broken In Brief: State Department pretty sure it heard laughter when it told Russia about Afghanistan escalation

FOGGY BOTTOM—In the days since President Obama announced his plan to add an additional 30,000 troops to the war effort in Afghanistan, those within the diplomatic community aren’t certain, but are pretty sure that Russian ambassadors, ministers, and military establishment were giggling to themselves.

“You know, I’m not certain, but I swore I heard the Foreign Affairs Minister snort and then muffle the phone as he chortled to himself. I hadn’t even finished saying the world ‘escalation’,” explained Philip Gordon, the Assistant Secretary of State for European and Eurasian Affairs.

“But then when I confronted him about it, he assured me that it wasn’t the case, that what we were doing was a totally smart idea, and that he wished us well in our ‘brilliant and never before conceived-of endeavor.’ But during that last part his voice went all high pitched and his speech was halting, so I think he might have been trying not to laugh again. Must be some Russian joke.”

Indeed, reports are preliminary but it seems that most of the Russian establishment found the escalation of war in Afghanistan, a country with which they also had a previous conflict, to be of the utmost comedy.

Several ministers were reportedly treated in local hospitals from desk banging-related hand injuries. There are also rumors that one General had to be administered oxygen, and an expense report from the Foreign Affairs office cites a reimbursement request from a staffer for 14 pairs of slacks that had to be purchased due to “extensive soiling of several analysts’ original pants.”

In an effort to quell any diplomatic tensions, Prime Minister Putin was supposed to give an extensive speech praising America’s judgment, but stopped only a few sentences in before doubling over the lectern as tears streamed down his face. The Prime Minister did, however, manage to squeak out a terse “well done” before flashing a thumbs up and stumbling into the back room with both hands clasped over his mouth.

As of press time, the State Department, Defense Department, and White House were unable to see just what was so funny.

Actual history

Today marks the 20th Anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. As such, there are many celebrations, weird puppet shows, and retrospectives celebrating this day when Ronald Reagan told the commies to "tear down the wall" and they we're all like "Yessir, Mr. Freedom, please don't hurt us", had the wall taken down about 15 minutes later, and no one from Europe or Russia or anywhere else had anything to do with it; just Ronnie. Or so I've heard.

But the celebrations have brought many world leaders to Berlin to help commemorate the anniversary. In fact Nicholas Sarkozy has already taken the time to make erroneous claims about his own involvement in the fall of the wall in an attempt to make himself look good. But instead of releasing trite statements about "freedom" and "the world uniting" after the re-unification and wanton wall destruction, some leaders have decided to take a different track on the anniversary. Like Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, who is kind of depressed and mad that the wall fell

Dmitry Medvedev is in less celebratory mood than most. He says Russia has often felt on the back foot since the Wall fell, despite assurances at the time that NATO would not expand eastward, as it since has.

“We were hoping the disappearance of the Warsaw Pact would be accompanied by a different degree of Russia’s integration into common European space,” he told Germany’s Spiegel magazine.

“What have we received as a result? NATO is still a bloc whose rockets are targeting the Russian territory."

...yeah...FREEDOM! Why are people so obsessed with celebrating the positives for Germany? Why can't they be more focused on the negatives for Russia? Some people and their priorities.

But for all the joy and remembrance and freedom, I do think we are forgetting something important. Maybe the most important thing that happened during that whole period. Of course I'm referring to David Hasslehoff's legendary performance on the Berlin Wall, where he wore a light up jacket and almost got hit by rockets. How important was it? According to David: it possibly was the reason Germany unified. He's still bitter Reagan is getting all his credit and there isn't a picture of him in the wall museum. So on this, the 20th anniversary, we leave you with the only historical moment worth remembering: HASSLEHOFF!

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.04

Italian court finds CIA agents guilty of kidnapping terrorism suspect
Well that makes one country that's actually serious about prosecuting torture, rendition, and kidnapping in the name of America's war on terror. Surprisingly it's Italy, who can't even convict its openly corrupt prime minister. That's a bit of a shocker. But Italy has tried and convicted 23 Americans in absentia for the CIA's "extraordinary rendition" that resulted in an Italian citizen being kidnapped and tortured. Sadly none of the convicted are named Bush, or Gonzales, or Cheney. Italian courts are also considering putting out international arrest warrants to capture the men. Someone want to roll up a copy of this news and hit the President and the Attorney General over the head with it?

Democrats’ healthcare bill would pay for ‘prayer’ treatment
Ahh Democrats, you could fuck up a one car funeral. Sure, you can't get a good health care bill passed and something simple like a woman have rights over her own body is going to prove to be a challenge, but you can make sure that the bill lets charlatans get money from the government by making "prayer treatments" actual medical expenses. Didn't you get the memo: prayer is basically most people's health care system of choice right now, and it's not because they want it that way. Do you think, maybe, we could just take that money and spend it on, I don't know, something that will actually improve the health of people or drive down medical costs? Or, we could just flush the money down the toilet in deference to the alligator god, who will in turn reward us with a healthy harvest. Doesn't that sound good?

Russia Leads Nuclear Space Race After U.S. Drops Out
Russia is seeking to take the lead in awesome when it has a $600 million nuclear spaceship flying into obit by 2012. Meanwhile the US is still dicking around with rocket fuel. This should allow the Russians to make their rockets twice as efficient and allow them to do longer and more elaborate deep space exploration and missions. We, on the other hand, will fart around in low orbit while Richard Branson and his Virgin: Galactic space tourists get within "flipping the bird" distance at us. The article also has an interesting history of nukes and space, if you wish to sigh at the path not traveled.

Flu fears help Clorox sales
Well at least this pandemic is making someone money, you know, other than the vaccine companies and the conspiratorial conglomerate of Nancy Pelosi/Barack Obama/the Bilderburg Group/the Secret Society of Jewish Bankers/the Yankees/Freemasons who created the disease for their own socialist political ends. Yes, bleach sales are driving a stock spike for Clorox as worried and paranoid parents buy it by the pallet to marinate their pork in it, make their kids drink it, and obsessively and compulsively wash their countertops with it in order to protect themselves from Porcine AIDS. It won't work, they'll all be dead while the last remnants of us fight it out in Boulder and Vegas, but it's nice that Clorox, as well as the makers of Glaad bags and Brita filters have profited in this time of irrational flu panic.

A Material Based on Sharkskin Stops Bacterial Breakouts
How badass are sharks? Even their skin pattern kicks the living fuck out of weak ass bacteria. That's right, using a sharkskin pattern on a protective film cuts the rate of disease and bacteria spreading because those rotten little microbes can't attach themselves to the sharkskin pattern. How slick is sharkskin? Scientifically speaking: slicker than greased goose shit. A man with a PhD said that, honest.

Video of the day

Oh the humanity! A drunk Moscow forklift operator smashes his forklift into the shelves of the vodka and cognac storeroom, destroying over $150,000 worth of precious, precious life juice. I'd ask you to pour a little out in honor of our lost brethren, but too many have already given their lives needlessly. Instead, just drink one in their honor.

Incidentally, $150,000 worth of vodka is enough to keep one Russian liquor store adequately stocked for the 3:00-3:15 late-lunch crowd, so this didn't disrupt the supply in any meaningful way.

We've changed our minds

Perhaps, in our quest for world domination, we made a request in too much haste. Oh sure, we really need a naval fleet, that much is certain. But I think we've give too little consideration to our land based God-chariots. That's why Sean and I would like you to consider buying us The $1.6 million Dartz Prombron Monaco Red Diamond Edition armoured car.


Need me to sell you? How about it's made by the same company, RussoBaltique, that built armoured vehicles for Tsar Nicholas, Vladimir Lenin and Leon Trotsky. Yeah, two people who were brutally murdered and another who was hit by numerous assassination attempts. I think it's important to note that all these things happened outside their RussoBaltiques, not inside. I'm sold on the protection. But what about the luxury?

The bulletproof windows are gold-plated, the exhaust is made of tungsten, the gauges are encrusted with diamonds and rubies and the exterior has a Kevlar coating.

The car also comes with three bottles of the world’s most expensive Vodka, RussoBaltique, although the website does warn prospective buyers not to drink and drive.
...
Dartz’s armoured vehicles weigh roughly 4 tonnes, are powered by V8s putting out between 300kW and 400kW and are “rocket grenade-proof” according to the website.

But what about something for a discerning and classy individual, like myself?

The Russian armoured-car builder is boasting that its latest vehicle has seats covered with “whale-penis leather”

I'll take ten.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.14

Russia: We’ll Nuke ‘Aggressors’ First
You know what really warms the cockles of your heart? Hearing that Russia is changing its military doctrine to allow for "preventative" nuclear strikes....even against countries without nuclear capabilities. Hope you weren't looking to sell your house in Chechnya or Georgia, because I think "potential nuclear holocaust site" tends to drop the value. As a bonus: this ought to really help get Iran in line on attempts to build nuclear weapons.

Latter day taint
An article on Glenn Beck's taint. No, not that taint, just the way the Mormon Beck traipses the bizarre fringes of Mormonism, espouses the thoughts and works of Mormon conspiracy theorist Cleon Skousen, and how all of this might damage the Mormon church. Yes, Glenn Beck is weirder and more of a fringe delusionist than you previously thought. This man has no ceiling on his insanity. We're living in a golden age.

Does Baseball Need Umpires?
The Wall Street Journal looks into the history of blown calls in baseball, the Pitch-f/x zone evaluation system, and whether or not a T-1000 should replace the fat guy hunched over the catcher with a wide strike zone. Sure the system is 100% accurate, but do we really want the front lines of the robopocalyse to be at America's national pastime? All I want to know is if they can create a cyborg that can stop the Pirates from losing ninety+ games a year.

Cleverness is no more. This is a dumb Britain
TV's Jeremy Clarkson takes a moment out from the celebration of Monty Python's 40th anniversary to praise them and to lament how the base foundation of their humor, often based around word usage, snooty novels, art, and philosophy, is incapable of being understood by a populace that wears stupidity as a badge of honor. Surprisingly he's talking about the UK and not America, but I'm sure if he watched CBS's lineup of alleged comedy programs he'd add us in.

Recruited by MI5: the name's Mussolini. Benito Mussolini
Mussolini got his start out in politics with a weekly wage of a 100 pounds from the MI5. In return for the cash he published pieces of support for Italy joining the allies in WWI and sent teams of young gentlemen to "debate" peace protesters with truncheons and clubs. I'm not much of a scholar on history, how'd all that work out?

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.24

Inside the Apocalyptic Soviet Doomsday Machine
Just in case you were worried that the global financial apocalypse, wayward asteroids, the swine flu, or zombies weren't going to effectively wipe out all of humanity, rest assured, the Cold War still might be able to. That's right a Dr. Strangelove-esque Russian nuclear doomsday machine called Perimeter, is still active. If there's one silver lining, it's that the system isn't completely autonomous. So...sleep tight!

Prosecutors say half of Bernie Madoff's investors lost nothing in Ponzi scheme
Awww. Let's get him out of prison early then. And people try to say Ponzi schemes don't work. Hell, 50% of Madoff's clients were able to withdraw more money than they "invested" so I have to say Madoff's scheming worked out pretty well for them. Truly these are people who can say the glass was half full.

Newly Declassified Files Detail Massive FBI Data-Mining Project
I don't want to alarm you, but the government probably knows exactly how many socket wrenches you bought with your Sears card. Not to mention how many Days Inn travel points you have. That's right, because everyone loved data mining when it was applied to phone calls and e-mails, the feddy gov has decided to expand that to hotels, car rentals, corporate databases, and retail chains. Because why shouldn't we open up all areas of privacy to repeated government abuse?

Poll Begs Question: Is Extremism Mainstream?
Far be it from us not to take a free cheap shot at left wing lunatics when the opportunity arises. According to a Public Policy Polling...poll, nearly a quarter of Democrats are part of the 9/11 Truther movement and 14% believe G-Dub was the anti-Christ. Go fuck yourselves and take the PETA people and the bridge protesting banner people with you. George Bush was not some Bloefeld type terrorist mastermind. Everyone smart knows it was Dick Cheney and the Bilderburg Group that caused 9/11. Ron Paul 2012!

Beck attacks 14th Amendment, complete with picture of man, baby in sombreros
God, this new Glenn Beck book is going to be like ten Christmases. Not only does he have an entire section where he criticizes all the Amendments to the Constitution, he attempts a scholarly critique of how judges have misread them....by re-writing them in the most racist terms possible replete with stereotypical cartoons of Mexicans.Then he goes off to praise provisions that protected and incentivized the slave trade. I stand corrected: twenty Christmases. Never let this man stop talking or writing.

Broken News: Conservatives blast Obama over "competent, effective" missile defense system

WASHINGTON--Republicans went on the offensive today in response to President Obama's new missile defense policy, unveiled late last week.

The plan, which either reverses or drastically modifies the policy put forth by former President George W. Bush, calls for a wider, more mobile network of land and sea-based missile defense platforms. This is in stark contrast to the previous version predicated upon the fixed installations in Eastern Europe that has inflamed tensions with Russia, which viewed the policy as a threat to its regional sovereignty entirely centered around a neoconservative fixation with America's perceived penis size.

Responding to a New York Times editorial by Defense Secretary Robert M. Gates, Jerry Lewis (R-etard), the ranking Republican on the House Appropriations Committee, called Obama's policy, "Laughably competent and cost-effective, not to mention shockingly respectful of international relations with a nuclear power. I can scarcely believe the state of rational military policy that the President has plunged us into."

Banging his fist on the desk, Lewis yelled, “I will not allow the Russians to think that I have a baby dick!”

The President's plan, which has the support of senior Pentagon personnel and high-ranking national security experts, was hailed by Secretary Gates as "very pragmatic."

For their part, Republican lawmakers have vowed to fight the policy every step of the way. House Minority Leader John Boehner (R-eprehensible), explained during his morning press briefing that, "I do not want my children, or any of your children, to grow up in an America that lacks a wildly impractical, cost-prohibitive shield against statistically improbable threats."

Added Boehner, "By the by, my penis is huge. Seriously, when I walk down the street, I clothesline children and midgets. I just regret that Obama’s reckless policies are forcing me to hire professional photographers to document this fact, so I can send proof to President Medvedev and Prime Minister Putin. I’m out-of-pocket on this!”

Criticism was also quick to bubble up in conservative pundit and talk radio circles, the two areas of American society that most need American foreign and military policy to act as an extension of their genitals.

On his daily radio show, right wing personality and lover of all woodland creatures, Glenn Beck exclaimed, "Barack Obama's missile defense plan is less expensive, will be in place almost a decade sooner, and unlike the previous system, has undergone a successful field test. That type of competence from the Military Industrial Complex is not only unwise, it is un-American. Obama has stolen our dongs!"

While some of the criticism has been over the top, even some traditional Obama supporters are wary of this new plan and how it will affect American missile defense of vulnerable countries, as well as America's position of Johnson-based superiority over the entire planet.

They point to an early 2001 Pentagon study entitled Thunder Dick: American Strategic Defense Analysis of Phallic Psychological Capabilities, which concluded that America’s penis had shrunk to its smallest size since the post-Cold War era spending cuts, with the country’s balls in sad shape as well. It was this report that initially spurred the Bush Administration into the largest expansion of America’s cock since World War II.

“I will not allow the world to think our dingus is merely 15 or 16 feet long,” explained Lewis. “I want them to fear it! To see it cresting over the horizon, crushing their bridges and menacing their skyscrapers! I want our dick to blot out the sun! Isn’t this the whole point of spending more on our military than the rest of the world combined?”

As for combating this attempt to plague America’s defense with cogent thought, Boehner and Lewis are unsure what steps to take next. Lewis had initially planned to have an alternative defense plan boondoggle ready for the new legislative year, but was reportedly undecided on whether it should involve Transformer-like robot ICBM launchers or genetically engineered rocket-intercepting pterodactyls in "Fuck Russia" sweaters.

For Boehner, he’s unsure his caucus has the energy to recklessly warmonger at a level sufficient to convince the world that our penis is bigger than ever.

“Lousy Obama and his rotten competent military planning,” muttered a dejected Boehner. “I shouldn’t have to prove shit to the Russians. I mean, look at my last name!”

Boris

It's such an unassuming, boring headline: Secret interviews add insight to Clinton presidency. You look at it and go "meh" because you already know what's in it: Clinton talking about the sex scandals, impeachment, blow-ups with Gore over the 2000 election, health care this, financial regulation that, "I could have done more". But you really need to go through it, otherwise you miss a slice of fried gold like this:

[Clinton] relayed how Boris Yeltsin's late-night drinking during a visit to Washington in 1995 nearly created an international incident. The Russian president was staying at Blair House, the government guest quarters. Late at night, Clinton told Branch, Secret Service agents found Yeltsin clad only in his underwear, standing alone on Pennsylvania Avenue and trying to hail a cab. He wanted a pizza, he told them, his words slurring.

The next night, Yeltsin eluded security forces again when he climbed down back stairs to the Blair House basement. A building guard took Yeltsin for a drunken intruder until Russian and U.S. agents arrived on the scene and rescued him.

He just wanted a pizza! Sure there's that whole "die for the President thing", but after reading that, did you ever want to be in the Secret Service more? This does raise some serious questions, and not just "Was Matt Taibbi underselling the drunkenness in his Rolling Stone obituary of Yeltsin?" What do you think the booze protocol for Boris was? Did they fly around with an oversized steamer trunk full of booze for him, did some poor staffer have to make a run each time they hit a new city, or was there a staffer trailing the Presidential motorcade in a pickup truck with the cargo bed filled with Vladimir and Banker's Club?

Pull Murray Waas and Sy Hersh off of whatever they're doing and tell them to find this out. We don't need some new depressing story on who Cheney was ordering to have killed or what CIA agent was outed, we need to know the elaborate procedures for getting Boris Yeltsin properly soused and how the Russian authorities, and foreign authorities, had to wrangle him while he was completely lit up. There have to be a million stories like this. We need to hear them.

Pictures of the day

via English Russia comes a new release of photos from the Library of Congress of Sergey Prokudin-Gorsky, a Czech photographer who was commissioned by the czar to document the Russian Empire from 1909 through 1915. These are from a period he did before, in 1896. More here and here.

h/t Internet Jesus

Heads up

In case you were wondering what the new crazy conspiracy theory the Hannity's and Beck's of the world would harp on next, well you're in for a treat as they've both started to ramp up on their new outrage: Obama's maddening and assuredly illegal use of Senate confirmed advisers that are called 'czars' that he totally invented as a way to steal precious freedom sauce out of the hearts of bald eagles everywhere and reign his liberal tyranny down on the God fearing people of America, one brutal command at a time.

Fox News personality Sean Hannity was one of the rally’s keynote speakers, and he took the opportunity to gloat about Van Jones’ resignation. He vowed to the audience that he would get rid of “every other one” of Obama’s so-called czars:

HANNITY: Do you want another czar?

CROWD: No!

HANNITY: I don’t think so. By the way, we got rid of one, and my job starting tomorrow night is to get rid of every other one. I promise you that!

Yes, yes, let me soak in the crazy. There is no greater outrage currently going on right now than the use of advisers and liaisons to specifically address and oversee specific issues, like drugs or border security or intelligence co-operation, within various large governmental organizations. Why? Because they're called 'czars' and that's a Russian term! Nazis! Unaccountable evil despots!

God bless your crazy little hearts, talk radio. I just love your ability to take something that has been a practice since Nixon and not only blame Obama for it, but claim that it's a shadow government undermining democracy. Now to most people this would be easily mocked lunacy. But then again, you aren't a Congressional GOP member. See, if you're Jack "The emergency room is all the health care the peasants need" Kingston or Dr. Michelle Bachmann (scientist) this is a cause that needs immediate legislative action. So in case you were wondering what the next inane rash of bullshit that will plague your airwaves at the expense of real information or real issues....here you are. It's czars. Enjoy.

Picture of the day

From the good folks at English Russia comes this look at how the dastardly Russkies have decided to use their re-purposed nuclear missile silos. Instead of launching atomic death, they're now used as launch points for commercial satellites. Now if only they could keep track of the nukes that used to be in those silos....