Broken News: As town halls end America longs for new outlets to vent their angry insanity

THE HEARTLAND—“I just don’t know what to do now. All of this rage and sloganeering still left to yell about at completely inappropriate times. If these town halls are really over, where else am I going to be able to repeat all the stuff I read in chain emails to the people who sent me those emails?”

These are the words and concerns of Gaston Boyle, a tractor salesman from Dubuque. But they are also those of an increasing number of livid, directionless Americans. With health care town halls wrapping up as senators and representatives gleefully return to their "jobs," grateful for no longer having to endure their constituents, many citizens are wondering from where their next opportunity to shout conspiracies at public officials while being restrained by local law enforcement will arise.

“First we had the teabagging thing, which went OK. Then there was the health care fight, and that was a blast. But I don’t see what there is on the horizon to get worked up about,” observed Tony Paymer, a Mississippi diner owner fresh off a 30-day stay in the county jail for dumping 40,000 tea bags and 70,000 Sweet ‘N Low packets into the community pool.

“Maybe the czars thing that Hannity is all uppity about? Sure, it sounds like that disease from a few years back, but I don't know if I have the energy. I guess we could go back to the ‘black President’ thing, but that’s so passé and I hate repeating my ’08 material. Maybe some Kenyan stuff... I just don't know."

For many Americans, therein lies the problem: finding a new outlet for the irrational anger. Some are still clinging to the last gasps of the health care movement, hoping that continued references to death panels or some newly developed murder and/or line-waiting conspiracy will stem the inevitable tide of half-hearted, incremental reform.

Still, others have plowed straight into being afraid of governmental czars, stopping the government from trying to infringe upon coal companies god-given right to pollute, preparing gold coin designs and isolationist slogans for Ron Paul’s 2012 campaign, stopping Congress from making it easier for unions to organize, and going outside to yell at the sun and low flying birds. But these are scattered movements without a cohesive center and none has managed to channel the concentrated fury seen during the health care town halls.

“It just felt so good, going down to the local community center to yell at some overwhelmed representative about why he wanted to garrote everyone’s grandmother,” reminisced Sally Harrow, a homemaker from Valdosta. “You really felt like you were doing something that would get you on TV. Now… I just don’t know what I can do to be part of a YouTube protest video that gets linked on those blog-things.”

For many citizens, this end has given them a chance to direct their bile towards places that are more traditionally accepted by the community at large: either inward at children and loved ones, or at professional American football teams. As luck would have it, the conclusion of these town halls has coincided roughly with the start of both the NFL and amateur beauty pageant seasons.

“Yeah, thank Jesus for those,” said Danny Verges, a machinist from Owensboro. “Luckily I have a two daughters, so I’ll be able to psychotically obsess over their achievements in lieu of the encroaching hand of socialism. Between that this irrational attachment I got not control over, I figure I'll do ok. Maybe I'll even go to one, get a few in me, start a fight with a rival father, traumatize my kid and any bystanders with my curse filled screaming fits after they lose..."

Asked whether he was referring to a beauty pageant or a professional football game, Verges replied, "What's the difference?"

For now, most are content to let their inexplicable anger seethe and grow inside them, confident that when they’re able to coalesce around a new cause, this stifled frustration will fuel the next great leap forward in poorly thought-out criticisms of ideas they only half understand.