Broken In Brief: Woods claims infidelity proof he's greatest of all time

JUPITER ISLAND—Amid mounting reports of mistresses and illicit affairs surrounding pro-golfer Tiger Woods, sports commentators and media analysts have been quick to note how these events have degraded Woods’ legacy as one of the greatest athletes of all time. But in a surprising move today, Mr. Woods combated that notion, claiming that these transgression have proven that he is, without doubt, the best golfer in modern history.

“Are you kidding me?” and incredulous Woods said during his opening remarks to the press assembled in front of his residence. “14 majors and 71 PGA victories, all the while juggling dozens of random bar whores, wannabe actresses, and porn stars? Beat that!”

He continued, marking his statements with his trademarked fist pump, “Phil Mickelson only won three majors and he just fucks his own wife. I’m nailing bridesmaids like Sonny in The Godfather and I still have time to win the Masters four times. Doesn’t this prove I have the greatest concentration and skill set in the history of the game? I’d like to see Phil win just one major with that much side action.”

After producing a pit chart and several diagrams, Woods pressed his case that, while Jack Nicklaus currently holds four more major championships, the man lovingly known as the Golden Bear had done it over a longer period of time and had done it without “nearly as sordid a collection of scattered ass as I have,” surmising that Nicklaus had “4-5 mistresses tops.”

“And that’s over his whole career,” Woods added. “Those mistress numbers you’re hearing about in the press is just what I’ve done this year. And I’ve been injured! You should see me when I’m healthy.”

Tiger vowed to soon be back out on the course, cruising for trim, winning majors, avoiding his humiliated wife and her flaw-riddled 9-iron swing in his ongoing effort to usurp Wilt Chamberlain and sement his legacy as the greatest of all time.

Broken in Brief: Iran can't believe you bought that 'democracy' bullshit

TEHRAN--Diplomatic relations between the west and the Islamic Republic of Iran have collapsed virtually overnight as the Middle East power has become distracted by quashing reformist protests to the disputed presidential election and rolling around on the floor in a fit of debilitating laughter.

Orders by both incumbent president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to crush opposition demonstrations over rampant voting irregularities were reportedly issued through tear-filled eyes, as neither Mr. Ahmadinejad nor Mr. Khamenei were able to stop laughing long enough to order police and military into the streets with a straight face.

"I... can't... believe... you all.. fell... for... it," the diminutive leader said, barely able to speak through his constant, hysterical laughter. "It was so obvious, and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Here, let's shake hands and make up," he finsished, offering up his hand in friendship. "Whoops," he yelled, pulling his hand back dramatically as onlookers attempted to shake it. "I got you again. AH HA-HA-HA! This is too easy! Ali, Ali, you talk, I can't stop laughing."

But Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was unable to even form basic words as he was laughing so hard. As he was doubled over cackling, some journalists began to point out a trail of urine seeping out from under his robes. Soon he was able to compose himself enough to sarcastically toddle over to a cardboard box at the side of the stage and mockingly put a slip of paper into it.

"Look! Look! I'm expressing my rights as a free citizen," the religious leader said before once again rendering himself unable to speak due to his uncontrollable chortling. It was at this point that President Ahmadinejad fell to the floor laughing, clutching his sides, and kicking his legs in a wild manner. "It's... just... so... funny," he squealed, gasping for air.

At press time opposition and protest leaders were unable to understand what was so funny. But sources close to them were preparing their own return joke. One source close to rival Presidential candidate Hossein Mousavi was heard to quip, "From a physical comedy standpoint, what's funnier when it happens to a despotic leader: public stoning or public hanging?" before being dragged away and tossed into a windowless van.

Mayor Luke Steelersteel

For those of you unfamiliar with how seriously our hometown takes its professional football, I give you Pittsburgh man-child mayor, Luke Ravenstahl's attempt to fire up the troops for Sunday's game:

Ravenstahl, -- er, Steelerstahl -- says he decided to remove "Raven" from his name just as he predicts the Steelers will remove the hated Baltimore Ravens from contention in Sunday's AFC Championship Game.

Much as I admire the cheap stunt, there are two problems here, Mr. Mayor. First, you couldn't be bothered to cut the $108 check for processing fees, so the change isn't official. If a public official is to make a proper spectacle of himself, he's got to commit. Second, Stahl is German for "steel." You are now Mayor Luke Steelersteel. Own it, Steelersteel.

Ah, Pittsburgh. You're like that morbidly obese, obnoxious, intoxicated cousin. I love you and would stop a bullet for you and am constantly defending you and asking others to just give you a chance. But then you pull shit like this and my entire argument crumbles.

Sarah Palin is Your New Half-Baked Alaska

Play nice, children...