Milestones

People, I'd just like to point out that we've now spent over one trillion dollars on our wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. One. Trillion. Dollars. American. Not pesos or rupees or something. American dollars. As an additional milestone, Afghanistan either is or will shortly become the longest war ever fought by this country. Narrowly edging out Vietnam and the combined efforts of World War I and II.

Now some of you might ask what we've gotten for all the time and ridiculous amounts of money we've spent over there. I'll tell you: we got Al Qaeda's #3. Again.

The operational leader for Al Qaeda in Afghanistan was killed in an American missile strike in Pakistan’s tribal areas in the last two weeks, according to a statement the group issued late Monday that American officials believe is correct.

Yeah! Seems worth it to me.

I personally am just glad we didn't decide to take that one trillion dollars and spend it on something like universal health care, our infrastructure, our power grid, green technology, technology in general, sciences and education, or otherwise use it to try to improve and better our day to day lives. Nope, bombs and guns and war, for little visible benefit. Much better use of that money.

But we do have to ask: where's our thank-you note from the military industrial complex? We didn't expect flowers or a phone call, but something--something would have been nice. Eh, maybe they're still writing up all the ones from Nam. Maybe next Memorial Day weekend.

The new golden age of supression

If you heard about it yesterday, China is having some sort of uprising/conflict somewhere over something and score of people are being wounded and injured. It's between Uighurs and the Han, over specifically what no one really knows, but broadly about ethnic and religious divides. And....that's about it. That's pretty much the extent of the knowledge of what's going on. Why is that? Because it's the new age of media and information suppression. Thought Iran tried some innovative ideas on squashing information? They were just field testing ideas China had perfected and Iran couldn't have even dreamed of China's strategies for spinning the West.

In the wake of Sunday’s deadly riots in its western region of Xinjiang, China’s central government took all the usual steps to enshrine its version of events as received wisdom: it crippled Internet service, blocked Twitter’s micro-blogs, purged search engines of unapproved references to the violence, saturated the Chinese media with the state-sanctioned story.

It also took one most unusual step: Hours after troops quelled the protests, in which 156 people were reported killed, the state invited foreign journalists on an official trip to Urumqi, Xinjiang’s capital and the site of the unrest, “to know better about the riots.” Indeed, it set up a media center at a downtown hotel — with a hefty discount on rooms — to keep arriving reporters abreast of events.
...
As the Internet and other media raise new challenges to China’s version of the truth, China is finding new ways not just to suppress bad news at the source, but also to spin whatever unflattering tidbits escape its control.

Two reason for this. First, they get better blocking technology from the telcoms. Hey Iran, you get what you pay for. Second, they studied various color revolutions, including Iran's, and learned how to best shut down communication, internet, phones, TV, and social networking. Well goodie, at least someone benefited and learned from those revolutions. But what's really nice is to see those ideas applied and field tested so quickly. Iran isn't even done with it's uprising and China has already learned from the Guardian Council's Oppression Bloopers and Suppression Gaffes highlight reel. China actually learned the first lesson decades ago: don't allow elections.

What's really great about this is that it isn't some extra-special Chinese suppression technology. Or sure they sprung for some extra bells and whistles, but this basic package essentially exists in every country that has moved beyond carrier pigeon and pony based communications. So pay attention, you're seeing the new playbook being written on suppressing any level of uprising or revolution. Remember to thank your telcoms for making it it jut that easy.

Word of thanks

To the people of Iran. Thank you for translating your protests for foreign audiences. I no longer have to wonder what the squiggles say, you're providing the subtitles. It helps to know whether you're saying "Free Iran" or "Fuck Ahmadinejad".

Don't fuck with the boss

This running the RNC thing is going to Michael Steele's head. You see when he saw the recent spate of comments from Rush Limbaugh about hoping the economic recovery failed and attempts by some conservatives and glee filled Democrats to paint El Rushbo as the head of the Republican party, he decided that maybe it wasn't in the best interests of said Republican party, electorally, to have Rush at the forefront of the party.

He called Rush an 'entertainer' whose comments were 'incendiary' and 'ugly'. Rush didn't really like that, telling Steele that he only ran the RNC, not the Republican party, and that if Mike hadn't already gotten a shinebox, he should go order one and then kindly fuck himself with it. After careful consideration, Steele hemmed, hawed, broke out into a flop sweat and kindly announced that it was perfectly alright with fucking himself and that he hoped Rush would bathe him in the bright warm light of conservatism again, never averting his warm gaze from his humble servant.

“My intent was not to go after Rush – I have enormous respect for Rush Limbaugh,” Steele said in a telephone interview. “I was maybe a little bit inarticulate. … There was no attempt on my part to diminish his voice or his leadership.”

“I went back at that tape and I realized words that I said weren’t what I was thinking,” Steele said. “It was one of those things where I thinking I was saying one thing, and it came out differently. What I was trying to say was a lot of people … want to make Rush the scapegoat, the bogeyman, and he’s not.”

Artfully and spinelessly walked back, Mike, you'll go far. This makes him the third conservative in recent weeks, following Gov. Mark Sanford (R-SC) and Rep. Phil Gingrey (R-GA), who have had to walk back their temporary bursts of sanity in order to bend over and grab their ankles for Rush and beg him to go easy on them. I can't offer my hearty thanks enough Rush. I thought that there might be a moment where the Republican party might have learned something following two huge beatings. Turns out they didn't and you're stamping out any attempts people try at learning, favoring more rigid orthodoxy to whatever it is you believe in this week and going after people who think good ideas and policy is a way back to power. Nopers! Petulance and conspiracy theories are clearly the way back, Rush. Thanks for showing GOP'ers the way. Thanks for leading. Thanks for another couple of terms of Democrats. Thanks for more socialism, we appreciate it. Keep it up.

Iraqi's thank our President with shoes

"Mr. President, as a thanks for your invasion our country let me present you with a ceremonial pair of shoes, to be thrown in the style of your American baseball game which you love so dear."

An angry citizen heaves footwear at our beloved beleaguered leader during the press conference for his Iraqi victory tour, I guess that's the perfect coda to George's Iraq adventure. Well, short of the shoe clocking him straight between the eyes, then he staggers back and knocks over a five tiered wedding cake. Close enough.

Broken News: Bush excitedly waits by telephone for ‘thank you’ call from black community

"Blacks? Is that you?"

WASHINGTON—Since the election of America’s first black President, Barack Obama, the nation has been buoyed by the landmark achievement's potential to improve the country's historically contentious race relations. Sources inside the White House say that this excitement has reached all the way to the current President, George Bush. According to these same sources, President Bush has been giddily waiting by the phone, ready for what he considers the inevitable phone call from the black community thanking him for all he's done in laying the groundwork for America’s acceptance of a black President.

Staff say the president has been eating all of his meals by the telephone, even sleeping in his Oval Office desk chair in anticipation of the call. Despite repeated attempts by aides to dissuade him from the vigil, noting that they will tell him when the phone call comes, Bush has stated unequivocally that he wants to be the one to pick up the phone to receive the kudos he knows are coming. At the tongue-in-cheek suggestion that word might come by telegram, letter, or e-mail, the President has steadfastly asserted his belief that it will be a phone call, a belief stengthened further when President-elect Obama did not deliver such a message during their meeting yesterday.

“I don’t think the black community understands how much he needs this,” observed White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten. “He understands that he doesn’t have much time left in office and that he won't get much important legislation passed, apart from getting the Sammy Sosa Post Office in Lubbock built and changing the name of the Smithsonian to 'The National Museum of Awesome Shit.' He just wants recognition for something that doesn't involve a crumbling financial system, squandered international status or misspent military ordnance."

Friends are quietly wondering if this situation will turn out the same way it did when Bush was waiting for a thank you from the Iraqi people. His stubborn and pigheaded insistence that Iraqis come and thank him while they were chest-deep in sectarian violence was a noted inexplicable hallmark of his early Iraq war pontificating.

“Oh God, don’t bring that up,” former Chief of Staff Andy Card reminisced. “We’re sitting there telling him we need decisions on what areas to protect and whether we should disband or employ the Iraqi army and all he was doing was sitting by that phone saying ‘It’s gonna come. They’ll thank me for this. You’ll see.’ We finally moved him into some rudimentary work but then he got bitter. His first meeting with Nouri al-Maliki just devolved into a colossal guilt trip. Bush eventually started holding his breath until Maliki said thanks. He’d hold his breath, pass out, get revived, hold his breath, pass out, and get revived, over and over again. Finally Maliki threw his hands up, yelled “Thanks!’ and ran out the door terrified for the future of his country. Bush just groggily got up and murmured ‘Anytime, Nouri, anytime.’ I don’t think blacks know what they’re in for.”

Chief among Bush’s reasons for feeling he’s owed a debt of gratitude is his appointment, first of Colin Powell, then Condoleeza Rich, to Secretary of State. That they were both discredited to the point of near irrelevance by the sheer bankruptcy of the administration's polices means nothing to the President.

Detractors counter that the entire arc of Bush's Presidency didn’t lead to the acceptance of a black man as President. They argue that after the sheer enormity of his failures, the nation was primed for anybody to come in and lead; black, Chinese, woman, Labrador, or sentient iPod. Others counter that such a simple explanation fails to understand the sheer brilliance of George W Bush.

“You don’t know how many sacrifices he had to make for this day to come,” revealed Karl Rove, taking time out of his schedule of soul reaving orphans to do an interview. “His entire Presidency was clearly a concerted effort to discredit the entire notion that privileged white men were fit to lead. Iraq, Katrina, torture, wiretapping, selling the Moon to the Chinese, breaking the Hoover Dam, the economic meltdown, all those missing white girls. Surely you don’t think that was all coincidence? It was a deliberate program of incompetence designed to shatter racial barriers and make even racist white people think about voting for a black guy. Want proof? Just look at the election data. You’ve got to pull some drastically evil shit to make Appalachia think that even a black man couldn’t do worse.”

“But it worked and Barack Obama is the fruit of our eight-year labor. We don’t need a parade or a George Bush day or a street in the place of Martin Luther King. But a little, 'We appreciate it', maybe one of those terrorist fist jabs? That's not a lot to ask. We’ve earned it.” When asked if this was just a cynical attempt to grasp onto any form of a legacy after eight years of abject failure, even if it meant claiming credit for black people getting elected, Rove just cackled, then disappeared in a flash of green light and smoke.

In lieu of attempting to convince one of America’s black leaders to call, staff is mulling over the option of sending in a member of the White House cleaning staff to say thanks. Initial calls to the Congressional Black Caucus went unreturned, as they were too busy working over Ralph Nader with a lead pipe. Sources have reported President-Elect Obama saying they “…should maybe send Bush, Rove, and all of them a gift basket” but it was generally believed that he was being sarcastic and no basket is imminent.