Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.21

Blue Dog Democrats eye new financial reform
Let me assure you, you're reading that headline wrong. Sure you may think it says "Blue Dog Democrats eye new financial reform", but what it really says is "Blue Dogs seek to fuck over decent financial reform". Mostly by scuttling a planned Consumer Protection Agency and weakening planned regulation. Because if this global financial apocalypse taught us one thing, it's that we don't really need to keep an eye on that whole financial and banking sector. They're good people.

Good Billions After Bad
Vanity Fair comes at us with a piece that alleges that the trillions from the TARP bailout package seemed to have large chunks of the money spent poorly, being put in the wrong hands, and doing the opposite of what was needed. And all just because the system was designed without restrictions, accountability, or common sense by the Paulson Treasury Department. Are you shocked? Neither am I. Rest assured though, nothing will be done and the next time a problem like this rolls around, nothing will be learned.

Ahmadinejad: Holocaust Denial A Source Of Pride
Some people take pride in a job well done, others by helping someone else out. Then there are others, "assholes" we call them, who take pride in denying one of the most widely documented events in human history. Couldn't he take pride in rigging an election and suppressing a revolution? At least that's an achievement. Still, this is probably the smartest way to kick off your big "message of peace and friendship" UN trip.

Steve Keen Out-Thinks Larry Summers
One of the great things about this economic meltdown, besides the hobo-grade tins of beans, hopping boxcars, and all this free time, has been watching some of the most respected economists in the world armor up, grab a truncheon and a shield, and wade into the Thunderdome to do battle on the bloody fields of economic theory. Up next is Australian economist Steve Keen, who hopes to garrote Larry Summers over the Obama Administration's economic approach and neoclassical economic theory. Winner faces the viking helmeted Joseph Stiglitz and his steel murder talons in the next round.

I'm Such A Shitty Senator
The Onion was able to look at Max Baucus and see the future, why couldn't anyone within the Democratic caucus or White House see? I mean just look at that S.915 Semiconductor Investment Act. What in the hell was that shit?

Who could have foreseen?: Paulson is a dirty fucking crook edition

Prof. WARREN: Well, they're trying to push money into banks and the question the oversight panel was asking is, `are you getting an equivalent amount back?' And so that's what this was about. Now there could be lots of policy reasons that Treasury might decide that it wanted this money to be in the banks. But our question is the one we put to Secretary Paulson, and that is, `are you putting it in and getting back assets that are worth equivalent value?' He told us yes; our independent investigation said no

CHEN: So are you saying he was lying?

Prof. WARREN: Well, I'm telling you he told us yes and our independent investigation said no.

Dear sweet baby Jesus, who could have foreseen? Hank Paulson was overpaying for worthless assets and then lying to the TARP Congressional Oversight Panel. Are we sure he even bought bank assets? Are we sure Oahu isn't wholly owned by the Hankster now?

But even beyond him paying more for bad assets, why was this even the plan in the first place? "Well banks have lots of worthless assets, so we better buy them at inflated prices that they aren't worth, so then everything is magically fixed and the magic TARP unicorn makes the assets gain some sort of value again." Paulson made a bad plan worse, congrats, I've just summed up the entire Bush regime. So, just in case you were wondering, a lot of that money did get wasted by the Bush Administration. Try and act surprised. At least we own some bank assets that aren't worth what we paid for them. We'll burn them for warmth.

Cheap blogging crutch - 12.19.08

Just a few things I came across while cursing the subway for making me miss my train back to Pittsburgh for the high Christian Holiday...

Theft, Inc.
If your wallet feels a little lighter today, odds are it has little to do with the job market or Mandatory Consumption Day (NYSE: XMAS). No, credit your reduced weight to the one-two government intervention combo delivered by President Bush and Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson. The former approved throwing almost $18 Billion at an auto industry that could fuck up a free lunch. The latter warned Congress to open up the remaining $350 Billion in bailout money because, gee, he already spent the other $350 Billion on candy and records.

"I will be [expletive deleted]-ing vindicated"
Mr. Blagoo addressed the media today, pulling a "Fuck you, I'm denying everything" worthy of Ted Stevens. Early indications suggest the defense's strategy will consist primarily of equal parts "I was just kidding when I said those things" and "You can't prove shit, motherfuckers." This should go well.

Limbaugh, staying classy
Bravely seizing upon the opportunity afforded him by a criminal act, Rush today cracked wise about the mugging of Morning Joe co-host Mika Brzezinski. Said Limbaugh, "What happened to Mika Brzezinski is exactly why we need permanent, across-the-board tax cuts. If we cannot keep more of our own money, muggers are going to have to work over time."

Crater of Doom a myth?
New evidence suggests that the Dinosaurs might not have been killed off by an asteroid after all. According to the Wired blog, "Huge volcanic eruptions that belched sulfur into the air for around 10,000 years could have killed the dinosaurs..." Creationist backlash touting this as evidence of the inherent flaws in science to commence in 3... 2...

Hail, Idiocy!
A couple who named their child Adolph Hitler Campbell is pissed at ShopRite for refusing to make a birthday cake with the lad's name on it. The couple, whose two year-old daughter is named JoyceLynn Aryan Nation Campbell, claimed they just wanted to give their children unique names that no one else would think of. If they continue to procreate, Vegas odds currently 1:3 that the next child will be named Pol Pot Stalin Mussolini Vader Campbell.

Good news: Economy worse than expected

Economy's tumble even worse than expected in 3Q

The economy took a tumble in the summer that was worse than first thought as American consumers throttled back their spending by the most in 28 years, further proof the country is almost certainly in the throes of a painful recession.

The updated reading on the economy's performance, released Tuesday by the Commerce Department, showed gross domestic product shrank at a 0.5 percent annual rate in the July-September quarter.
...
The new reading on GDP underscores just how quickly the economy deteriorated as housing, credit and financial crises intensified. The economy logged growth of 2.8 percent in the second quarter.

This is always the good news you want to hear. "You know that economic collapse thing, with the stock market collapse, the global credit crisis, the home foreclosures, the job loss, and all that? You know how everyone says it's the worst economic crisis since the Great Depression? Yeah...uhhhh...it's worse than that." The good news? If you can afford to buy things, you are one of the lucky few. That means you'll be able to reap the Christmas season benefits of massively discounted shit that stores are going to be tossing out there so as to stave off total collapse. The economy is in the shitter, but you might leverage it into a nice 1080p HD LCD.

Don't worry though, Hank Paulson has a plan. Another $600 billion from the Fed to buy up distressed mortgages with no relief to actual home owners. They'll talk about making loans easier to get(wasn't that the point of the last massive bailout, to unfreeze credit markets?), but won't talk about job creation so you can actually pay off the loan. Lie naked on a pile of money, then call up his Wall Street buddies and start giving handing out all the money that was touching his nude ass. Two months until the adults can actually do something.

Buy a Detroit lemon

Detroit Chiefs Plead for Aid

The heads of the Big Three automakers of Detroit pleaded on Tuesday for emergency government aid to stave off potential collapse, but after four hours of testimony, it appeared they had not persuaded enough lawmakers to move quickly on a bailout.

Senate Democratic leaders said they had not been able to muster the support for legislation that would provide $25 billion to the troubled auto industry from the Treasury Department’s $700 billion economic rescue fund.
...
The cause of their misfortunes was not management mistakes, they said, but the weak economy and the inability of consumers to obtain credit to buy cars.

The executives from General Motors, Ford Motor and Chrysler seemed stunned by the general lack of confidence that lawmakers showed in their companies.

Really Detroit? Stunned? You've been hemmoraging money for years, your sales have been slipping for years, you had no business plan beyond "sell huge cars", you stood in the way of making changes towards fuel efficiency standards that would have helped you, and you've openly scoffed at and derided the one market that could save you right now: hybrids. It's all just a credit problem?

Maybe it's the fact that you're all asking for $25 billion and the combined value of your entire companies isn't even $10 billion. How exactly does bailing you out sound like a smart prospect when you're asking for more than double the entire worth of your companies in bailout money? But they swear if you give them the money they can retool and totally won't be some unsustainable zombie company that can only survive through massive government bailouts.

There is a plan to take $25 billion from the $700 billion clusterfuck and give it to Detroit, but Hank Paulson is hugging that money tight and squeezed out a yelping "Nooooooo!". Apparently he has further plans to flush it down a large toilet. But I bet they'll get their money, mostly because they could shitcan 3 million jobs. Then they get to do all the shit they should have done a decade ago on the taxpayer dime. But hey, I totally bet they won't try and stand in the way when CAFE standards are raised or hybrid mandates are made. Honest.

Broken News: Paulson, Bernanke to Jump Economy on Rocket Cycles

Artist's conception of proposed cycle jump

WASHINGTON—In an innovative step designed to address the worsening worldwide economic crisis, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke and United States Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson have announced their intention to jump the economy on custom-designed rocket cycles. The government's financial titans hope this dramatic gesture will reassure lending institutions and help open up frozen credit markets.

“This is the bold leadership our country needs in a time of crisis,” remarked Samuel Grasscock, economic analyst and host of NPR’s I Want to Eat the Corn Out of Money's Shit (Weekdays 3-4 PM). “I just don’t think these bailout plans restored enough confidence in the system. The government might have thrown $700 billion in taxpayer money at the problem, but did it gamble with anything that really mattered? Now P-Son and Big Bank are putting their lives on the line. I think Wall Street is going to be impressed. We might just get out of this.”

While excitement has whirled through the banking world, questions have arisen as to the logistics of such a jump. Will Paulson and Bernanke simply jump Wall Street, or will the plan call for a pass over the Chicago Stock Exchange as well? Including the CSE would necessitate a jump over the Federal Reserve and the Treasury Department, not to mention the House Oversight Committees and any bills relating to financial regulation. Perhaps these various institutions, with all their suspicious liabilities, could be bundled into one institution and placed elsewhere, providing a clear angle of approach for Bernanke and Paulson.

“We’re goin’ whole hog,” said Dr. Ronnie “Handsome Devil” Tucker, former daredevil relegated to stunt coordinator after his 1997 Jump-for-the-Kids ended with his careening through a children's cancer ward. “The entire United States, save Hawaii and Alaska. Coast to coast. One jump. How do you like them apples? Not only do we think it’s going to have a big effect on the financial and banking industries, but just think of all the other problems we’re jumping. Homelessness, job loss, health care, Wyoming. This one jump may cure them all!”

When asked how two motorcycles could possess enough speed to jump the entire continent, Dr. Ronnie was confident. “Look, people might doubt our ability, but we’ve been working for almost a month on the two most cutting-edge rocket cycles in existence. They cost almost $350 billion a piece and are state-of-the-art fuel drinkin', fire blazin' rocket machinery. The problem isn’t jumping the US; it’s that we might jump Europe, too. Once we finish the ramp and calibrate the bikes, it’s all smooth sailin’. I mean rocketing. Yeah, smooth rocketing.”

Still, some are asking, "Why now?" given that Congress passed the Paulson plan a few weeks ago, giving the Treasury Secretery almost completely unfettered access to deal with the problem as he saw fit. Why the seemingly complete scrapping of that entire plan for a new one involving rocket cycles?

“Look, larger action was needed,” said Secretary Henry “His name is Robert” Paulson from the US Rocket Bike Testing Grounds and Old Fashioned Candy Confectionary (USRBTGOFCC) on the outskirts of the Great Salt Flats. “We needed to grab the imaginations of Wall Street and show them we were committed to helping them address the catastrophe that arose directly as a result of their culture of endemic greed and shortsightedness. We’re showing them we mean business… Paulson style. Yesterday's Dow Jones gains gave us the confidence that we wouldn’t need to plug holes with stop gap measures, that we could go for the gusto and solve this problem once and for all. With big, rocket-based motor aerobatics.”

At that point Chairman Bernanke chimed in, having just emerged from the USRBTGOFCC’s Official Aquafina Rubdown, Hand Action, and Massage room. “Some people might be worried by the fact that Hank here conceived of a colossal 2-1/2 pages of bailout plan requiring the government's purchase of bad assets that he swore was the only solution, then abruptly switched to urging the government to buy equity stakes in banks, then decided he wanted to jump the economy with a rocket bike. But I am here to tell you there is no need to worry. He didn’t come up with Project Rocket Economy. It has been US policy for quite some time now.”

This much is true. The tradition of employing complex distractions to address dire situations was begun by Alexander Hamilton, America's first Treasury Secretary. Hamilton used fireworks attached to roller skates to jump over Virginia’s four finest mules to convince the country to authorize the US Mint. A distinctly less successful example is Ogden Mills' failed attempt to jump Fay Wray on the newly invented motor scooter during the early days of the Great Depression, an incident that is widely credited by historians with exacerbating the crisis.

The jump is tentatively planned for early next week, pending wind conditions and the erratic emotional state of Henry Paulson. The recent uptick in world stock markets has provided these two financial daredevils with the opportunity to solve this crisis once and for all. One hopes, if this is the plan they’ll actually stick to this time, that their rocket-based danger cycles will bring us back to sound economic footing.

Sweet sweet communism

U.S. Forces Nine Major Banks To Accept Partial Nationalization

The U.S. government is dramatically escalating its response to the financial crisis by planning to invest $250 billion in the country's banks, forcing nine of the largest to accept a Treasury stake in what amounts to a partial nationalization.

News that European governments also planned to take stakes in their banks and anticipation of new U.S. measures unleashed a tremendous surge in U.S. stock prices yesterday, with the Dow Jones industrial average soaring to the biggest percentage gain since the 1930s, up 11.1 percent. It ended 936.42 points higher, the largest point gain ever, just days after the Dow had its steepest weekly decline in history.

The Treasury Department's decision to take equity stakes in banks represents a significant reversal, coming just weeks after Treasury Secretary Henry M. Paulson Jr. had opposed the idea. In a momentous meeting yesterday afternoon in Washington, Paulson, flanked by top financial regulators, told the executives of nine leading banks that they needed to participate in the program for the good of the national economy, two industry sources said on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to speak publicly.

Oh happy day. We are at least going to attempt some competent attempt to address this crisis and make an attempt to actually safeguard the $700 billion Paulson has had sitting in his shed for the past couple of weeks. The plan involves buying $250 billion worth of preferred stock, guaranteeing all senior debt, and unlimited FDIC insurance to non-interest bearing accounts. All the other hundreds of billion will remain in Paulson's shed, where he will go every morning to look at in a lustful manner.

But hey, super, every country in the world is partially nationalizing their banks and we decided to do so as well. But there's something I can't quite put my finger on. Oh yes, I thought the giant $700 billion Paulson plan was the be all end all solution concocted by Paulson to solve everything. Now he's convinced this is? Before the Paulson plan he was convinced no action was the correct plan and he let Lehman fail, which ended up revving the crisis into overdrive. So he's been massively wrong twice in the past month over this crisis and got essentially strong armed into this by Chris Dodd, Gordon Brown and the World. He's the guy we want re-writing the plan and doling out the cash to buy equity stakes?

That's why I'm not that excited the government seems to have chosen the correct path. We still have the village idiot leading us down in.

Picture of the day - 9.23.08

What the Denver Post calls a "demonstrator" we call someone with sound judgment and a sense of humor. Incidentally, the two men pictured in the foreground lack both.