Quote of the day

Amongst the criticisms of the LeBron James "I'm taking my talents to South Beach" ego festival, one of the lesser raised one was what it said about LeBron himself. Namely being that for all of the heralded sports giants and "best evers" that have kicked around in various sports, none of them ever seemed to be all that eager to, in their prime, go play second banana to a rival.

Your Jordan's, Bird's, Lemieux's and the like had confidence in their own abilities and stuck it out on the team they were on through bad years and years were they fell short on the singular premise that they thought they were the best and that they would eventually win if they worked hard enough and long enough. Because they were the best. Confidence in self.

Not so much the case with LeBron.

So what happens when they ask one of these legends what they think of James' decision to to Dwyane Wade's team in Dwyane Wade's town to play second fiddle to Dwyane Wade? Well Jordan, as was his style when he played, went right for the throat and Charles Barkley joined in for a little extra kicking.

"There's no way, with hindsight, I would've ever called up Larry [Bird], called up Magic [Johnson] and said, 'Hey, look, let's get together and play on one team,'" Jordan said after playing in a celebrity golf tournament in Nevada. The interview aired on the NBC telecast of the event. "But that's ... things are different. I can't say that's a bad thing. It's an opportunity these kids have today. In all honesty, I was trying to beat those guys."
...
"He'll never be Jordan," Barkley told 790 The Ticket in Miami earlier in the week. "This clearly takes him out of the conversation. He can win as much as he wants to."

No word if either of them spat out a terse "....bitch!" when they were done. Hey Bron, Jordan just dunked on you, tongue out and everything, and there's nothing you can do to even rebut it.

On the other hand, Vice-President is a nice job to have. No pressure, the President does all the work, you get to act crazy and people will slough it off as you "just being the VP", and you get to be President if something should happen to the top dog. Look at how Joe Biden is handling things. It's a fun gig. Plus, I hear Dwyane is a nice boss to have. He won't even make you call him Mr. Wade. Bosh still has to get coffee though. I just hope sports self-castration works out for you.

This man needs to drink more

Vice President Biden: "This is a big fucking deal."

President Obama: "No fucking shit, Joe. No motherfucking shit."

We missed you, Joe

It took a few months, but it finally seems that Vice-President Joe Biden has built up a sufficient tolerance to the horse tranquilizers that Rahm Emanuel grinds up and puts in his eggs every morning. That's right, Joe Biden is out talking in public again.

[The Vice-President] encouraged attendees to get involved in politics to "bend the arc of history -- literally, bend it."

He continued, "You may think that I don't understand the meaning of the word literally. I do. I meant to say 'literally'. The arc of history is outside, I saw it, and it looks to be a tungsten carbide alloy. I inspected that fucker and it isn't bent to my liking. Get out a crowbar and start bending that arc. Literally leave this auditorium and bend it. Now." He then finished by handing out some of the prybars and crowbars that he brought in a suitcase.

Rahm, you're going to have to switch to elephant tranqs or start dosing his soup at lunchtime.

Iran bloggings

• There is tension in Iran between Iran's Supreme Leader and his newly minted flesh puppet "President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It seems when they rigged an election to get Ahmadinejad in power they didn't want him to bring along his VP selection. Because really, just think of all the damage a powerless VP could do to a puppet President in a powerless government that takes all it's orders from corrupt religious dictators. Thankfully Ahmadinejad has vowed to fight on, because if the Supreme Leader is making demands on who should be VP, what other infringements on Iranian "democracy" might he make? Slippery slopes.


• This VP choice has spilled over into a fight with the Cabinet, who clashed with Ahmadinejad in meetings. They must really not like this guy. I mean all they're essentially arguing about is the other guy who gets to sit at the long table and pretend they're running something as they take their orders from the various old men with beards who control things. And really, who wants to spend all that hard work pretending you're a democracy and pretending you're in charge if the guy who is pretending to be VP and pretending to have more power than you is an asshole?


• Worldwide marches and a "day of action" are scheduled for tomorrow to protest Iran and the "election" they had. They plan to stream the protests on YouTube so that Iranian citizens can know that behind the firewall that's blocking them from viewing it, people are supporting them. In Washington there's going to even be an appearance by a man described as "the Iranian combination of Bono and Sting." These protest will involve 10 times the number of protesters as the teabaggers and will proportionally receive 1/10th the coverage.


• Al Gore's Current TV network spends a day with the Basij, the lawless security service that you mostly know for beating up, shooting, and imprisoning protesters.

Broken News: Biden's first weeks as VP spent dodging increasingly elaborate booby traps

WASHINGTON—In the week and a half since Barack Obama's inauguration, the young administration has been hard at work trying to put its agenda into action. But one man has been surprisingly absent from these efforts: new Vice-President Joe Biden.

While it naturally takes some time for any new administration to get up to speed, sources are claiming that Biden's notable absence is the result of an increasingly elaborate set of deadly booby traps and killing devices that the new VP has devoted his time to dodging.

Insiders immediately fingered former VP Dick Cheney as the man behind these mechanical death dealers. However, extensive document shredding by the office of the former Vice-President, as well as Mr. Cheney having "gone off the grid,” have given White House staffers little hope of learning the full extent of the horrible machinations hidden in and around the Naval Observatory, White House, and various places of government business.

“Christ, we just don’t know where the next one is coming from,” remarked Biden’s Chief of Staff and head of the disarmament team, Ronald Klain. “We knew to expect some of these, like the giant axe that swung from the ceiling when we opened the door to the Vice-Presidential office. Or the buzzsaw blades that come out of the floor when you step on the white tiles in the main Observatory foyer. But every time we locate and neutralize one, two more pop up the next day!”

Klain pointed to last Wednesday’s “desk chair incident” as an example. On Tuesday evening staffers had disabled a mechanism in the Vice-President's office that caused a giant log to swing from the ceiling into the person seated in the chair. On Wednesday morning an aide sat down in the chair while laying out briefing packets for the day, setting into motion an ejection apparatus that threw the first year aide out the window and onto the spiked metal fencing below.

“How do you defend against that?” an exasperated Klain asked. “How do you double rig a seat? Did he double rig a seat? Did Dick Cheney sneak into the office Tuesday night and jury rig a new trap? Does he have skeleton keys? How come the FBI, CIA, and NSA can’t track him down? This shit is costing me sleep.”

The situation is causing problems for security details at other government buildings as well. As he walked to a Middle East briefing with Secretary Clinton over the weekend, Biden was forced to dive out of the way of poison tipped daggers that shot out of the wall when he stepped on the seal of the State Department on the floor of the Truman Building.

“People walk on that seal every day and nothing happens,” said Herman Gutierrez, chief of security for the State Department. “Presidents step on it, ex-Presidents step on it, the Secretary steps on it, staffers step on it, and nothing happens. Suddenly Biden steps on it and it sinks into the ground and six-inch blades bathed in blowfish venom come flying out. Was it specifically weighted for Biden? Was someone watching and waiting for him to step there? Gotta give Biden credit, though; the old man ducked and rolled like a Judo champ. Wish I could say the same thing about the secretarial pool… so many bodies.”

Further searches of government agencies found a 40-ton stone boulder perched over the entrance to the IRS building, elevator cables cut over at the EPA, crocodiles loosed into the White House cafeteria, and the robotic sentries at the CBO headquarters set to kill anyone by the name of Joe.

With both the Vice-President and Dr. Jill Biden too terrified to continue to stay in the Naval Observatory, especially after engineers discovered their bed was little more than an industrial-sized bear trap with sheets on it, the couple have been moved to an undisclosed location. But with the former Vice-President still at large and God knows how many traps still left undiscovered, the Secret Service are being pressed to formulate strategies for how Joe Biden can conduct the duties of his position without getting blown up, gored by a rhino, or immolated.

“We’re thinking of going with a large bulletproof glass cube in which the Vice-President can reside,” said Frank Monroe, the Secret Service official in charge of Situation Biden. “He eats all his meals there, does all his work there, and the only connection to the outside is a slot just large enough to pass documents and food trays through. Of course, this leaves him vulnerable to gas attacks, but we’ll put in a mask and some oxygen tanks. The only real issue is ensuring Mrs. Biden can be made available for conjugal visits.”

Officials hope to have the cube fabricated and ready for occupancy by the middle of next month, provided Biden survives that long.

Quote of the day: On balls

Joe Biden's are plentiful and multi-colored.

Orrin Hatch, opining on the sweaty nether regions of our soon to be VP, Joe Biden.

Hatch, a devout Mormon not prone to profanity, quoted historian Richard Ben Cramer who once wrote that the Delaware Democrat has "a breathtaking element of balls ... Joe Biden had balls. ... He did what he wanted to do and he did it."

Into the lair of the madman

The Bidens Meet the Cheneys

Following Monday’s meeting between President-elect Obama, his wife Michelle and President Bush and First Lady Laura Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney plans to roll out the red carpet for his successor on Thursday.

Mr. Cheney and his wife, Lynne, have invited the future vice presidential couple to their residence at the Naval Observatory for an evening sit-down, according to a statement from the Obama-Biden transition team.

I don't care how nicely Lynn asks you Joe, DON'T GO INTO THE CELLAR! That's where...HE...waits. That's where...HE...works his evil magics.

You've taken the smart first step: you've announced the day and hour of your meeting. Now people will know where you are. All you have to do know is make sure there is video of you arriving and give an hour at which you will leave, after which SWAT teams should be sent in to rescue you. Let photographers get good shots of your face so we have a reference, lest the ancient one tries to skin off your face and wear it as a mask, claiming another four years as VP under the guise of his Biden skin suit. If you do all this...you just might escape alive.

Also, bring holy water, lots of holy water. And hide fire somewhere on your body. You'll need plenty of it when HE looses The Worm that Gnaws in the Night on you.

I care not for your sanity

Palin brings teh VP kn0wl3dg3

Palin Claims The Vice President Is ‘In Charge Of The U.S. Senate'

Yesterday, Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK) sat for an interview with KUSA, an NBC affiliate in Colorado. In response to a question sent to the network by a third grader at a local elementary school about what the Vice President does, Palin erroneously argued that the Vice President is “in charge of the United States Senate“:

Q: Brandon Garcia wants to know, “What does the Vice President do?”

PALIN: That’s something that Piper would ask me! … [T]hey’re in charge of the U.S. Senate so if they want to they can really get in there with the senators and make a lot of good policy changes that will make life better for Brandon and his family and his classroom.

Those third graders and their gotcha questions. Richard Dreyfuss is right, we need some civics education in this country, starting with our Governors. The VP is not in charge of the Senate Mrs. Palin, in fact the only thing the VP is supposed to do is sit in a chair there, resist the urge for a public suicide, and cast a vote in case there's a tie, which there never is. You don't even have to show up if you don't want to. In fact besides the tie-breaking vote you'll never cast the only other power the constitution gives you is being the President if the one people actually wanted gets killed. Say in a hunting accident where some uppity lawyer doesn't stand in the way, or from all the face cancer he has.

Now if the President give you his say so, you can feel free to roam the countryside raping and killing every law you set your eyes on, start wars on drunken dares, and form your own shadow government, but only if you have a signed permission slip. Maybe some of that $150,000 in clothes money should have been spent on books. Knowledge books.

i suppose they had to say something.

And out trot the right wing blogs, carrying that dismal idiot on an abstraction-plated chair...

--Michelle Malkin thinks Palin "Rocks!"

--RWN thinks that, despite her complete failure as an orator, she saw into the American soul.

--Patrick Ruffini thinks she was at her best without, ya know, a reporter asking her questions.

--Mickey Kaus makes the lone salient point that, by not screwing the moose, Palin succeeded.

--Joe Gandelman sighs and regurgitates content, just like me.

--Even Andrew Sullivan, of all people, shit the bed with his take.

Anyone else left completely deflated and mildly nauseous by the fact that last night is even warranting a response?

Biden's bread, buttered

Eric Wasserstrom at The Times' Trade and Economy Watch points out a potential conflict of economic ideology within the Obama/Biden camp that might get dragged into the open during tonight's horrible ass-kicking:

Vice presidential candidate Joseph Biden has a dilemma with respect to his stance on consumer lending practices versus the Obama campaign’s perspective. In 2005, Mr. Biden supported the legislation that altered the consumer bankruptcy code in favor of lenders, including credit card companies, many of which are based in his home state of Delaware. In contrast, the Obama campaign is far more pro-consumer.

Though Wasserstrom may be right that Palin's button-pushers could seek to roll this out during the debate, how is it news that a six-term senator from Delaware (the majority of publicly-traded corporations and 6 out of every 10 Fortune 500's are incorporated there) voted in favor of policies that would benefit those industries?

More over, while Obama really has no choice but to ride the economic populism pony these days, let's remember who Wall Street is backing:

Other companies are getting in on the ground floor with the new chief by stuffing money in his ears. Overall, Obama is flat-out kicking McCain's ass when it comes to Wall Street contributions, raking in nearly $9 million from securities and investment executives, compared to $6.2 million for McCain.

None of this, of course, changes the fact that Sarah Palin is an embarrassingly incompetent fraud who has no business backing up Father Time. Let's hope that point doesn't get lost in the conversation because it doesn't sell enough papers.

h/t jsg

It's the media's fault

God damn you American newsmedia, you've done it again. You're the reason the Palin announcement has bombed.

"This nonsense is over," declared senior campaign adviser Steve Schmidt in a written statement.

The statement stood out for its admission that Palin is under siege _ it condemns "this vetting controversy" _ and for its attempt to blunt questions about how rigorously McCain and his campaign explored the background of a candidate who may get the nation's second most powerful job. It also suggested that Palin is a victim of gender bias in the media.

"The McCain campaign will have no further comment about our long and thorough process," Schmidt said, lashing out at "the old boys' network" that he says runs media organizations.

That's right media. How dare you make McCain pick his candidate ofter one 15 minute talk a few years ago and then a quick interview the day before the announcement. John McCain had six months to choose his VP from the time he locked up the nomination and you ruined it all with you hasty selection of Palin for him. The way you hid the pregnant daughter from him, the ethics charges you drummed up against Palin in Alaska. Your childish lies that she was against earmarks and the Bridge to Nowhere, when you knew damn well she requested the highest amount of earmarked dollars per citizen in the entire US and supported the shit out of the Bridge. Then you invented some reformer image for her and then grilled perplexed members of the McCain team about it. Of course they couldn't name one damn thing, you invented the story!

Hang your head low. You are trying to destroy this woman simply by reporting things she has said and done. You disgust me with your sexism, class warfare, and a new form of white racism. Your continual attempt to provide a timeline for the pick, ask questions, talk to people who had knowledge of the vetting process, and use John's and the campaign's seeming confusion at every revelation to concoct some sort of story of lax to nonexistant vetting is sickening to the ghost of Edward R. Murrow. This was the greatest vetting process in the history of man. Furthermore, John McCain knew of all of these problems, some you aren't even aware of (two words: gorilla jousting), and picked her anyway. So there.

Stop trying to harm this candidate by recounting facts to a wide audience of people who have no idea who she is. They're begging you. Angrily. It's your fault. Not theirs.

Palin caught in bigfoot hoax

Well, no not really. But it wouldn't surprise me if she was found out to have possibly faked the moon landing, was on the grassy knoll, shot JR, controls hurricanes with her weather machine, and all that nonsense. There is literally too much new scandal information coming out each day to keep up with. She makes Bush look like an amateur.

Yesterday it was the pregnant underage daughter, husband with a DUI, Palin ran fundraising for indicted Senator Ted "Hulkster" Stevens PAC, was almost recalled as mayor for firing a police chief and library director that didn't support her re-election campaign, backed the bridge to nowhere, and called Iraq a war for oil. In the McCain camps defense, the pregnant daughter thing probably shaded the other stuff.

Today is still early and we've already learned that she was a member of the Alaskan Independence Party, a group which wanted Alaska to secede from the US. This meshes quite well with McCain's slogan of "49/50th's of America First". Senator Eagleton Governor Palin also lawyered up for the ethics investigation she's currently under and it turns out she hired a lobbying firm to lobby for government earmarks, contrary to campaign claims that she's some budget cutting reformer who stands up to wasteful government spending.

Speculation is heating up whether she'll actually get dropped from the campaign before she even gets nominated. Democrats, meanwhile, are trying not to die of laughter. They haven't even had to attack her yet, as the sheer weight of the revelations the McCain camp had no idea about come to light every day. If she makes it to tomorrow, I can't wait to see the speech.

Palin's state and mother in law aren't helpful

"She's not prepared to be governor. How can she be prepared to be vice president or president?" said Green, a Republican from Palin's hometown of Wasilla. "Look at what she's done to this state. What would she do to the nation?"
...
But Anchorage Democratic state Sen. Hollis French said it's a huge mistake by McCain and "reflects very, very badly on his judgment." French said Palin's experience running the state for less than two years hasn't prepared her for this.

Alaska Democratic Party chairwoman Patti Higgins, attending her party's national convention in Denver, said she was shocked to hear the news this morning.

In this very competitive election for them to go pick somebody who is ... under a cloud of suspicion, who is under investigation for abuse of power. It just sounds like a pretty slow start to me," Higgins said.

Of course the Democrat probably wasn't going to praise her, but the Republican from her own town? Ouch. Didn't she get the memo: proximity to Russia and Canada is foreign policy experience. Palin watched Apollo 13 twice, so she's also a qualified astronaut. Driving a town of 8,000 $20 million dollars into debt is also great experience for governing as a Republican.

Sarah Palin's hometown rallied around her as mayor - now Republicans wonder if the rest of America will warm up to the surprise pick from cold country.

Though her mother-in-law has doubts.

Faye Palin admitted she enjoys hearing Barack Obama speak, and still hasn't decided which way she'll vote.
...
"I'm not sure what she brings to the ticket other than she's a woman and a conservative."

Yeah, sounds like Sarah send the grandkids over to the other grandparents house a little too often for Faye. But way to bury your daughter in law to the press. Maybe you could cut some "Mother In Laws For Truth" type ad campaign pointing out the fruitcake you received for Christmas and the birthday sweater you think was re-gifted. Thanksgiving is going to be awkward.

C'mon Alaska, don't you have any better advocates for your governor? Lindsay Graham has no idea who the hell she is, but he's making the case. Poorly, but he's making the case. Do you all not like her that much? She didn't accomplish much? Just make stuff up like she opposed the bridge to nowhere, is a reformer, and stood up to big oil and her own party. No one will ever fact check that bullshit. Don't mention the investigation into the improper firing of that Health and Safety head guy either, or the one as mayor of Wasilla where she fired the police chief for not supporting her campaign. If you aren't going to help, just do no new damage.

WWBD?

Ew, Barracuda...



What does the VP do? Depends, really. Constitutionally speaking, the Vice President is tasked only with maintaining a pulse and, if necessary, casting the deciding vote in the Senate in the event of a tie. Beyond that, you pretty much make it up as you go along, sweetness. Some noteworthy options:

--Murder Alexander Hamilton. (Aaron Burr)

--Resign your post as Satan's hatchet man after pleading no contest to charges of extortion, bribery, tax fraud, and conspiracy. (Spiro Agnew)

--Exhibit the intellect of a mid-range kitchen appliance and get absolutely owned by Lloyd Bentsen in a debate. (Dan Quayle)

--Bore the shit out of the entire country before meekly ceding a rigged Presidential election, only to emerge years later as a portly, charismatic, Nobel Peace Prize-winning environmental advocate. (Al Gore)

--Jam your fist up the president's ass and use him as something of a sneering, dry drunk sock puppet in order to start a senseless war, empower your buddies in the energy industry to write public utilities policy, and mount a two-pronged assault on both the separation of powers and civil liberties. (Dick Cheney)***

Indeed, as Vice President of this country, the world is your oyster, Barracuda. Do with it what you will. But here's some free advice from someone who will only benefit from your ignoring it: Stop going on television and admitting that you have no idea what your responsibilities as Vice President would be. You are making this far too easy.


***Note: Also shot a 78 year-old man in the face with a shotgun.

The amazing, self-negating, McCain campaign

This Palin pick has been extremely amusing. McCain meets her once, briefly, then talks to her for a somewhat longer period of time a week ago. Then he decides, "Fuck it, let's do this" and picks her on the basis of "Shaking things up". We're all shaking John, from laughter. His staff is surprised, they don't even have signs ready, his surrogates are confused, and everyone is left going "Who? He did what?" They ought to charge two bits a gander to see the sideshow that is your campaign. On the basis of the surrogates McCain has sent out to defend the pick I love it. The first wave yesterday had no idea who she was and the second wave today are completely floundering over the fact that when all the arguments they were making about Obama this entire summer are applied to Palin, she looks absolutely horrendous.

Remember when it a sure sign of Obama's unsteadiness that he hadn't been to Iraq in a while? Now that Palin is their pick, not having ever been to Iraq couldn't matter less. Even having an opinion on Iraq or even knowing McCain's position on Iraq doesn't matter. Obama isn't ready on foreign policy despite having traveled overseas multiple times and being on the foreign relations committee. Sarah Palin is ready despite having zero foreign policy credentials. Remember how inexperienced Obama was because he hadn't even met with that many foreign leaders, while John McCain had sexed them all? Well, Sarah Palin not being able to pick most world leaders out of a lineup or having traveled abroad couldn't matter less.

McCain is trying to flog his environmental credentials and how he's different because he actually believes it's real (despite the fact he votes against almost every environmental policy and renewable fuel measure). Well, now he picked someone who doesn't believe global warming is real and hates the fuck out of polar bears. There's also the humorous part about Republicans praising the shit out of Hillary Clinton in a shameless attempt to vote grub, despite the fact the the previous 16 years have been spent demonizing her as an evil, communist, feminazi, becunted demonspawn. Palin tried to grovel for those votes yesterday, last March she thought Hill-dawg was a whiner.

Then there's the whole experience argument, which they've just ceded wholesale. Now they're going hump that poor change pony to death. Oh, dear sweet John, it's like you weren't even paying attention to your own campaign. You essentially negated every single argument you were making against Obama to overtly pander to women who you evidently don't think are smart enough to see the pick for what it is. More please.

McCain throws his hail mary: VP Palin

Well it seems official enough: John McCain has chosen Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his Vice Presidential nominee. A moment of silence for Mitt Romney and all the easy jokes he would have provided.

For someone who repeatedly joked about the anonymity of earlier VP frontrunner Tim Pawlenty (the supposed choice last night), this one is an even bigger "Who?" pick. Kay Bailey Hutchinson (herself rumored for the McCain VP slot) was just on TV and didn't know a single thing about her....and tried to spin that as a positive. Other conservative pundits seemed equally perplexed with Pat Buchanan calling it the "Biggest political gamble I believe just about in American political history...that is not hyperbole. I can think of no choice of VP that approaches this."

She's a first term governor of Alaska not even two years into that term, previously she was a council member and part-time mayor of the town of Wasilla, population of 5,500. So after months of charging that Barack Obama is inexperienced and has no record, they choose someone even less experienced to back up a 72 year old man with a history of cancer. I guess they're ceding that argument. She's also an anti-abortion creationist.

She was chairman of the Oil and Gas Conservation Commission in Alaska, tirelessly pushes for offshore and ANWAR drilling, and her husband works for an oil company. Yeah...that'll blunt charges that Republicans are shills for oil. Oh, did I mention that she's a Republican from Alaska? I did? Did I mention that the Alaska Republican party is one of the most corrupt in the US? That half of it's members seem to be under investigation, indictment, or just in prison (most recently Ted "Hulk" Stevens)? Boy it won't be hard to tie her to all that, especially since she's gone ahead and done everyone the favor of being under ethics investigations for firing the Alaskan public safety commissioner because he wouldn't fire Palin's brother-in-law because he was divorcing Palin's sister.

Let's just say what it is: a desperate attempt to try and get the dozen remaining Hillary voters who haven't gotten on board the Obama train and other women to cross over based on the fact that Palin is a woman. It's a desperation move and a massive gamble, considering that no one knows who she is and she basically stands for all the same policies as John McCain, including all the ones that make him so unattractive to female voters. Though with his voting against the equal pay for women bill, John has already pledged to save thousands in government spending by only paying Palin 80% of the VP salary a man would get. Fiscal conservatism is back! I guess he doesn't want the experience argument and figures he's going to lose it badly, so he's seemingly trying to glom onto the change mantle and hope that Hillary voters squint so hard at Palin that they see Hillary. It'll be interesting to see her debate someone like Joe Biden in any event. Obama/Biden v. McCain/Palin. Have at it.

McCain knows who his VP is

McCain selects his VP

John McCain has chosen his running mate and the person will be notified on Thursday, a senior campaign official said.

A friend said McCain had pretty much settled on his selection early this week, and it crystallized in the past few days. Campaign manager Rick Davis flew to McCain's cabin in Sedona, Ariz., a few days ago to confer, and another meeting about the choice was held with top aides Wednesday.
...
McCain's selection process has been conducted mostly in secret, but officials said he was considering one or more candidates who support abortion rights. The disclosure set off a fracas on the right wing, with talk-show host Rush Limbaugh saying such a selection would destroy the party.

Oh happy day. The moment where Big John unleashes Mittens, Joe Lieberman, or Tim Pawlenty on an unsuspecting nation is nigh.

Mitt "Mittens" Romney will bring in the critical 'lacquered hair shell' vote, adds tons more houses to the campaign tally, still says bling bling, is insanely rich, and likes throwing good money after bad. That ought to really help McCain not look like an elitist. The 'Mormon explaining' to the evangelical base will be amusing and will involve several forms of groveling. Plus anytime you can add someone who actually shipped jobs overseas and layed off workers in a swing state, you really need to add that person. Also: big fat phoney.

Joe Lieberman. Oh God I hope this happens. Dems didn't like him when he was Al Gore's VP, now he isn't even recognizable as a Democrat anymore. He supports Bush harder than McCain does. But hey, add him, he's a total drag on the ticket, just ask Al Gore. Karl Rove is personally trying to fight the choice, which is amusing and Limbaugh is presaging the destruction of the Republican party if they pick a pro-choicer like Liebs. This needs to happen.

Tim Pawlenty. Who? This guy is so anonymous he would get stopped by security and not allowed to enter his own VP acceptance speech unless they put his picture on the McCain/Pawlenty signs. His weird attacks on Obama (Petraeus as VP?) would be a boon to comedy. I just can't see McCain picking a guy he couldn't differentiate from a collected group of his staffers.

Maybe John will go off the reservation. Pick Charles Barkley or Big Bird or something crazy and maverick like. A festive hand puppet or a chicken who makes football picks for the local drive time radio sports show. Who knows? It's coming people. Are you ready?

'Tis Biden

Bow down to a true pimp, bitch

Biden Is Obama's Pick for VP

So in case you weren't cool enough to get the text, Biden is Obama's pick for the veep slot. The text said "Barack has chosen Senator Joe Biden to be our VP nominee. Watch the first Obama-Biden rally live at 3pm ET on www.BarackObama.com. Spread the word!" I got one that said "U R A QT. LOLZ. IDK MY BFF JILL." Was that from Obama too?

Sources close to These Bastards say that the VP announcement took so long because of the difficulty of finding human sized muzzles. In the end they went with a company out of Indiana, Woof Shush, who had the device fitted to Biden in the early morning. Sources close to Biden say he wrote up a volume of zesty McCain zingers which was turned over to Obama campaign for future use. Obama Scienticians are already on the quip testing range firing off a McCain centric version of the Giuliani nipple roaster "Noun, Verb, 9/11". The choices are "Noun, Verb, POW", "Noun, Verb, Can't Remember Houses", and "Noun, Verb, McCain's a rotten old bastard."

Biden is already practicing indignant looks of disbelief towards Republican ideas, has already received both the change-ectomy and the hope-transplant, and has already torn to shreds and defecated on a Mitt Romney doll. They plan to give a speech later today in Springfield, then stalk the town in the dead of night rolling any 73 year olds they find. The campaign slogan has been changed from "Change you can believe in" to ""What the fuck are you looking at old man? Get him!" Insiders say that both are excited, fired up, and ready to go.

God speed, gentlemen, God speed.

VP Mittens

So according to TIME's Mark Halperin, John McCain surveyed the Republican VP field and settled on Mitt Romney. Allegedly.

2 Republican sources say McCain has apparently settled on Romney as his pick, but no offer has been made.

That noise you heard was the sound of a million silent, exuberant, Democratic fist pumps and hushed whispers of "Yes!". A man who flushed tens of millions of dollars of his own money to finish second and third a bunch of times, got ganked by a couple severely dirty McCain tricks, and someone who polling finds decreases support for Republicans is the pick. Furthermore he's another rich, white Republican, he's possibly the most phony politician in America, and the evangelical base of the Republican party hates him because he's a Mormon. Oh and he went on a campaign stop to a black neighborhood and acted like everyone's awkward dad, even busting out the phrase 'bling bling'. Hard to see why McCain would pass up on all of that.

This bon mot was also dropped in the article: “People close to the campaign also floated a wild-card choice, Gen. David H. Petraeus, the top American commander in Iraq.” Yeah, it's every republicans wet dream. But what's he going to do, just drop his clipboard, yell "Fuck it, I'm out" and then get discharged out of the military and Iraq command to come run for VP? That ought to go well with McCain's message: "Iraq isn't going well enough for us to ever leave, but it is going well enough that the guy who runs things can quit and come be by VP candidate." Furthermore that ought to come off real well with the sense that many top Pentagon and military brass have become defacto political actors for the Republican party. But wet dreams are wet dreams.

Mittens is allegedly in. Now I just have to use all my mental powers to deflect any Evan Bayh choice on Obama's part. ~feingoldfeingoldfeingoldfeingold~ ~nobayhnobayhnobayhnobayh~