What does England know anyway?

When governments around the world had to bail out and take control of all the banks that were failing, some naively thought that one of the problems inherent in that solution was that the banks and financial institutions that were saved fell into that troublesome "too big to fail" category and that something further needed to be done. What morons. Because we're America and we know better, we decided we needed more "too big to fail" financial giants, or at least the same number as before. The dumber countries (read: everywhere) decided they needed less. Like England, for example.

The British government -- spurred on by European regulators -- is forcing the Royal Bank of Scotland, Lloyds Banking Group and Northern Rock to sell off parts of their operations. The Europeans are calling for more and smaller banks to increase competition and eliminate the threat posed by banks so large that they must be rescued by taxpayers, no matter how they conducted their business, in order to avoid damaging the global financial system.

The move to downsize some of Britain's largest banks comes as U.S. politicians are debating whether American banks should also be required to shrink. The Obama administration has maintained that large banks should be preserved because they play an important role in the economy and that taxpayers instead should be protected by creating a new system for liquidating large banks that run into problems. But Britain's decision already is being cited by a growing chorus of experts, including prominent bankers and economists, who want the United States to pursue a similar approach.

Pussies! Thank God we're so large that we can probably still counter their nonsense and financially drag them down with us again when the time comes. I think the problem here is that UK banks lost so much money that they just didn't have enough left to make campaign contributions to British lawmakers and hire enough lobbyists to prevent meaningful legislative action. Thankfully we don't have that problem here. Hell, the people in charge of US creation, enforcement, and oversight of these regulations all worked in the financial sector (read: Goldman-Sachs), so they don't even need to be lobbied all that hard.

No no, the clear and intelligent path here is not to do anything to prevent stuff like the complete financial collapse of the world from happening. What we need to do is to make laws to expedite the clean-up and rebuilding period after our next inevitable destruction. Even what laws we do have need to be needlessly weakened for little understandable benefit. If you're out trying to prevent something you're just contributing negative energy, what with your continued whining about what bad things are going to happen and obvious, soon to be bursting bubbles on the horizon. No the best solution is to keep everything the same, but streamline the ascension of the post-financial apocalypse hobo hierarchy.

England...I just don't get why you're doing this. I mean when the next global crisis hits, oh...next year probably, and you're relatively unscathed because of extensive preventative measure you've decided to undertake, well, then you're just fucked. Because when we learn of your relative idyllyc existence (you know: one without the brutal hand to hand combat of the Thunderdome, backbiting shantytown politics, and the daily fights for canned goods) we're just going to pile into our dilapidated boats, arm ourselves with guns and spears, and come subjugate you in a manner befitting our new brutal existence. And your people won't be ready for it...because you made sure they avoided total societal collapse. Now who wishes they didn't break up "too big to fail" banks and pass sensible laws? Not the Hobo Council of Elders or the New Flesh Reaver Militia, that's who. We're going to crush you so hard.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.21

Blue Dog Democrats eye new financial reform
Let me assure you, you're reading that headline wrong. Sure you may think it says "Blue Dog Democrats eye new financial reform", but what it really says is "Blue Dogs seek to fuck over decent financial reform". Mostly by scuttling a planned Consumer Protection Agency and weakening planned regulation. Because if this global financial apocalypse taught us one thing, it's that we don't really need to keep an eye on that whole financial and banking sector. They're good people.

Good Billions After Bad
Vanity Fair comes at us with a piece that alleges that the trillions from the TARP bailout package seemed to have large chunks of the money spent poorly, being put in the wrong hands, and doing the opposite of what was needed. And all just because the system was designed without restrictions, accountability, or common sense by the Paulson Treasury Department. Are you shocked? Neither am I. Rest assured though, nothing will be done and the next time a problem like this rolls around, nothing will be learned.

Ahmadinejad: Holocaust Denial A Source Of Pride
Some people take pride in a job well done, others by helping someone else out. Then there are others, "assholes" we call them, who take pride in denying one of the most widely documented events in human history. Couldn't he take pride in rigging an election and suppressing a revolution? At least that's an achievement. Still, this is probably the smartest way to kick off your big "message of peace and friendship" UN trip.

Steve Keen Out-Thinks Larry Summers
One of the great things about this economic meltdown, besides the hobo-grade tins of beans, hopping boxcars, and all this free time, has been watching some of the most respected economists in the world armor up, grab a truncheon and a shield, and wade into the Thunderdome to do battle on the bloody fields of economic theory. Up next is Australian economist Steve Keen, who hopes to garrote Larry Summers over the Obama Administration's economic approach and neoclassical economic theory. Winner faces the viking helmeted Joseph Stiglitz and his steel murder talons in the next round.

I'm Such A Shitty Senator
The Onion was able to look at Max Baucus and see the future, why couldn't anyone within the Democratic caucus or White House see? I mean just look at that S.915 Semiconductor Investment Act. What in the hell was that shit?

Almost double digits

Remember the optimism of last month where four straight months of job loss improvements were causing some people to think that happy days were here again and bluebirds would imminently be alighting on some shoulders? About that.....do the terms "devastating", "crisis", "enormity", "extreme weakness", and "fucked to death pile of burning ca-ca" sound positive or negative to you?

The American economy shed 467,000 jobs last month, and the unemployment rate rose to 9.5 percent from 9.4 percent, the Labor Department reported on Thursday. Job losses were widespread among the construction, manufacturing, and business and professional services sectors.

The losses were sharply higher than economists’ expectations of 365,000 lost jobs.

Do economists ever actually nail the job loss expectations? Every month they seem to miss it by about 50,000-100,000 over or under. Now Paul Krugman's back on top of the table, pants off and squatting over our favorite punch bowl. He's saying things like "jobless recovery" and that was before this month's job numbers made him sound a little optimistic.

If I recall correctly, TB Industries' official advice was to hoard canned goods, steal MRE's, and to stash especially good killing rocks and jabbing sticks. We still hold by that advice and hope that the brief bit of positive economic news didn't cause you to start opening and eating those tins of Hobo-grade beans or burning those sharp sticks for warmth. In fact, double down. Hoard more, scale up to jagged branches and tree limbs, take a leather tanning course, and work on your more animalistic grunts and cries. It'll serve you well as the horrific financial apocalypse seems back on schedule. See you in the Thunderdome!

Thiiiiiiiis close to Thunderdome

For people who think football is for pussies comes Red Bull Crash Ice, the lamely named death sport that thought "Why not send multiple skaters speeding down a bobsled course with dips on it, in a full contact race to the bottom. I'm sure the contact and falling will not result in a skate blade across the jugular."

That said, we make the course longer and let these gladiators armor up, throw in drunk people in the grandstands and gambling, I think we could give Rollerball, Running Man, Bloodsport, and Thunderdome a run for their money.

Broken News: Markets rally on strength of machetes, ammunition, stolen MREs

NEW YORK--After a week that saw the Dow Jones Industrial Average buck before eventually settling well below the 9,000 mark, the index staged a massive rally today on the strength of rudimentary survivalist items.

The surge was led early on by bottled water, Spam, and cloth bandage futures, both of which saw their strongest gains since the Cold War era, with rifle ammunition lagging just barely behind. Late trading rode a wave of climbing penicillin, Kevlar, and hatchet prices to a stellar close of 9,565.78, well above analyst projections.

"We honestly didn't see this coming," explained trader Rhett Goldberg, apparently oblivious to the larger economic issues hinted at by this rally. "Most of us were paying attention to General Motors or the banks. Apparently we should have just trusted in capitalism and flowed with the market. It turns out capitalism is never wrong and we're finally seeing proper, conventional adjustments to our new economic reality. From now on I'm focusing on portable generators, bindle-sized handkerchiefs, hobo-grade tins of beans, and chunks of flint. I'll make bonus next year, baby!"

Analysts have been quick to embrace this bear market phenomenon, dumping billions into the survivalist industry practically overnight. Even the recently moribund print media markets are seeing upswings, as the impending need for flammable material to keep warm through winter is causing a rally in anything with a high pulp content.

Few are as elated as Phineas Frank, manager at cottage investment firm, Frank and Berry. "With all the recent market volatility and lousy consumer spending data, it seemed only rational to look into blade sharpeners and water purification tablets. Frankly, and this is just between you and me, I think whoever corners the night vision goggles and crossbow markets is going to be poised to rule. I don't mean that metaphorically. How will you protect your family after the bullets run out and your eyesight is poor because you're vitamin A deficient from a lack of milk, carrots, and generally nutrient-rich food." Frank and Berry, which also has large stakes in the crude gas siphoning and baseball-bat-with-nails-in-it markets, is one of the few firms slated to post substantial profits at year's end.

Clearly, not all investment news is so sunny, as many investment funds have operated to this point as though the American and International economic systems are not, in fact, on the verge of total collapse. Frank attributed this to a near-universal lack of foresight and "the undercurrent of baseless optimism that seems to permeate American investment circles."

Given these late-breaking developments, investors are scrambling to identify new markets to target. Initial indications are that jeep mounted harpoon, studded leather apparel, gyrocopter, and Geiger counter-based securities will soon see renewed interest. In the service sector, analysts predict a dramatic rise in the metal-smithing, CHUD repellent, subterranean construction, mercenary, and black-market markets.

Investors were also seen bailing out of the paper money markets, choosing instead to invest in metals, precious jewels, and shiny rocks. "I just don't see much of a future in paper based monies, or really any kind of monetary system based around capital markets and centralized government. I'm dumping it all into gold futures, silver futures, clamshell futures, especially round pebble futures, and chicken futures," observed industry analyst Dmitri Arshavin. "People don't really think of animals as money anymore, but think of the trade value of eggs! One futures market I'm staying away from is the future futures market. That's a dead zone. No one's really too bullish on the future right now. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go run the numbers on concrete barriers and concertina wire."

In a joint statement released by the White House, Federal Reserve and Treasury Department, the three leaders of these institutions hailed today's advances as "...proof that the fundamentals of capitalism are strong and can withstand anything." Furthermore they also stated that when society is rebuilt in the future, either by a new race or by a loose confederation of human tribes, that they hope this future society will entrust their financial growth and economic stability to the very principles that are being shown by the market today.