Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.04

Portland artist Alexander Rokoff painted a portrait of Modest Mouse frontman Issac Brock... standing in front of a boar whist wearing lederhosen. This is not that important, except for the part where it now hangs in the office of the mayor of the city of Portland, Oregon. Eat it, Eric Judy and Jeremiah Green!

Sean's off on a street corner, preaching from the bible he wrote and looking for "converts", so it falls to me to recount the things that happened today that weren't related to oil being everywhere. That doesn't leave much, so there's some oil stuff in here too. Fuck you if you don't like it.

Local Pittsburgh politician and future victim of having trash dumped on his lawn, Councilman Matt Drozd, has a bright idea for the Stanley Cup finals going on right now between Philadelphia and Chicago: he wants people in Pittsburgh to root for Philly based on some arcane tax revenue/yay Pennsylvania reasons. After my urge to stab him subsided, I decided to honor the Flyers in much the way I'm sure they did when the Pens were in the Finals the past two years... but then I decided against urinating on myself while decrying a league wide conspiracy against my team. Fuck you Drozd and don't ever suggest -even in jest- that we root for anything to happen to Philadelphia besides some epically Biblical smiting.

Let's check the score on BP and celebrities. Listened to Kevin Costner? Check. Listened to James Cameron? That's a negatory good buddy, with BP turning down the director/undersea documentarian's help in providing access to underwater equipment/technicians. Cameron responded by saying "those morons don't know what they're doing" and referred to BP's handling of access to video and the site as "asking the perpetrator to give you the video of the crime scene". Uh-oh, looks like I know who the thinly veiled, subtle as a sledgehammer, mustache twirling villains of Avatar 2 are going to be. Hurts, doesn't it, neocons?

In "Democracy" news, Diebold, the crooked, politically active, former makers of easily hacked and zero paper trail voting machines, had to pay $25 million to the SEC to settle a fraud case. The SEC will continue to pursue criminal charges against three of Diebold's executives. Gee, if this is the way they handle their books and their accounting, it really warms your heart to think about the way they handled all those voting machines.

In "This is how the world works" news, a recent lawsuit that attempted to sue pretty much every energy company for creating emissions and global warming conditions that helped exacerbate Hurricane Katrina -effectively a trial on global warming- will not be allowed to continue. Why? because so many of the judges on the 16 judge appeals court panel had to recuse themselves because of "conflicts of interest" with the energy companies, that no true majority opinion can be reached and thus the case cannot proceed. So that makes it pretty much all three branches of government that are completely entwined with private interests. I was worried it was only two.

A study recently published by two UCLA economics professors showed a surprisingly political effects between "nudging" people about energy conservation -i.e. providing energy saving tips as well as information on electricity usage to households- and energy consumption. Those who were registered Democrats who received the "nudges" tended to cut consumption by 3-6%. But those who were registered Republicans actually increased consumption as a result of the "nudges". They essentially scientifically showed that conservatives would actively act out against their own interests if they received what they perceived as a "liberal"/"pussy environmentalist" message on it. For further evidence of this phenomenon, I submit the past two decades in US politics.

Finally we close with the best orangutan/hound-dog buddy video of the week. Caution: you might overdose on cute and go into catatonic "Awwwwwww" shock.

Inspiring facts about government

Though no official study has taken place, scienticians and fungineers estimate that any action taken by the US Congress will have a one in a thousand chance of benefiting the basic gruel eating American underclass more than it benefits a corporation or lobbying group. In fact, a wizened panel of Nobel laureates, Buddhist scholars, and ex-diplomats once mused that most legislation wouldn't pass unless it included "a hardcore buttfuckin' of the American people." Their words, not mine.

The point is we know this and realize our job as citizens is to adopt a siege mentality that eventually morphs into Stockholm Syndrome as we keep re-elected 95% of the same people and hoping that they do something different if we ask them in a stern tone. So I don't know why we needed OpenSecrets to rub our noses in it how little our voices are heard over the din of cash registers.

As the Center for Responsive Politics reported last week, federal lobbying soared to record levels last year, as lawmakers clocked long hours and worked at a pace to be, in the opinion of one congressional scholar, the most productive Congress in decades.

This translates to about $1.3 million spent on lobbying for every hour that Congress was in session in 2009, the Center for Responsive Politics has found.

Lawmakers in both chambers met for a total of 2,668 hours, according congressional records. The U.S. Senate was open for business on 191 days, while the U.S. House convened on 159 days.

Federal lobbying records show clients spent $3.47 billion on lobbying Congress, the White House and other federal agencies.

CHA-FUCKING-CHING!! $1.3 million per hour. That doesn't even get into the money they spend in donations, fundraisers, ads, and PAC's. It's just going to get better too, now that the Supreme Court says that corporations have unfettered spending rights in elections.

The most money was spent by the health, finance, and energy sectors. Just coincidentally the three major areas that were going to be addressed in this Congress. And in yet another coincidence, not only have none of them passed, but all three have been severely weakened and are rife with industry concessions and sweetheart deals in the unlikely event they do pass. I wonder how that happened.

You just keep telling yourself that your one vote, one voice thing matters. It's cute.

Today in weird GOP racism

First there's the case of the gift that keeps on giving: Sarah Palin and her new book. Seems that she had a rather interesting reason for transferring out of the University of Hawaii, aside from the fact that lurking nearby was the sham birth certificated menace that would one day control the media conspiracy against her. See, Asians make her feel funny.

But Palin’s father, Chuck Heath, gave a different account to Conroy and Walshe. According to him, the presence of so many Asians and Pacific Islanders made her uncomfortable: “They were a minority type thing and it wasn’t glamorous, so she came home.”

This is why Sean and I are donating to the Palin 2012 campaign. This woman can not be allowed to go away for any reason. As a side note, Minority Type Thing just happens to be my favorite Stone Temple Pilots song.

But there's basic racism and there's our new favorite brand of racism: Obama inspired crazed rant racism. We knew that electing a black man was just going to screw with your fringe constituents and southern lawmakers pretty good. Hell, we didn't even like Barry, we were just in it for the imagined racial comedy. That's why were so glad that men like Arlington, Tennessee Mayor Russell Wiseman exist. Otherwise we wouldn't have gotten this beautiful Facebook rant on Obama's decision to talk on the TV about the Afghan troop escalation.

The second term mayor wrote, "Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."
...
"...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America...pitiful...you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different..."

See what happens when someone fucks with a man's Charlie Brown? You get bizarre, misspelled rants against Muslims and the basic concept of Democracy. I'm just glad Obama didn't preempt Rudolph, otherwise we might have had a full blown race war on our hands.

You know even though he is kind of fucking up health care (or at least aiding and abetting its fuckup in the Senate) and his record on war on terror related measures has been less than inspiring, this Obama Presidency is working out better than expected just for shit like this. It's a shame he didn't pick a Latin guy as his VP.

Democracy in action

New York City mayor Mike Bloomberg, America's benevolent rich political overlord, is setting records. The kind of records that make you glad that only billionaires can afford to run for any elected office of substance in this country.

Bloomberg, a former Republican who ran this time as an Independent, spent more than $85 million of his personal fortune on the race – dwarfing the amount Thompson raised – the most cash dispensed for a self-financed campaign ever. This brings the total amount he's spent for three terms to a quarter of a billion dollars.

For those of you scoring at home, he outspent his closest opponent, Generic Democrat, by almost 20-1. And he still had to squeak out a win. That isn't even counting all the money he had to spend to get the city to repeal the term limit laws so that he could run again.

Add this to the $22.6 million from his Goldman-Sachs golden parachute ($125 million total for all his political campaigns put together) that repellent loser Jon Corzine spent making sure he lost to fat, repellent loser Chris Christie in the New Jersey governor's race. Don't worry, the ultra rich former McCain adviser who tried to run Hewlett-Packard into the ground, Carly Fiorina, is going to show the people of California that they need not be ruled by mere multi-millionaires like Barbara Boxer.

Ahh, doesn't it make you feel proud to be an American? Right now, even as we speak, children are looking at this and dreaming of a future where they to make hundreds of millions in various business fields and thus are deemed by our media elite as "serious" enough and "expert" enough to run for higher office, or are, at the very least, able to fund their own primary campaign against the other billionaires that are running for the chance to run for the seat. *sniff* Makes you glad to be alive right now, where being rich makes you qualified to make laws instead of just merely having them not apply to you. It's a grand time.

Yes, uh..."stunning" is the word I'd use

So the look into Afghanistan's "election" is finished according to the ECC and it seems that the electoral fraud that was obvious to everyone turned out to be obvious to a panel of experts as well. Not that it's going to do anything to hamper our transfer of funds to his government, increase in troops to his country, and escalation of our war against terror. See, Karzai is a crook, but he's our crook. Plus, he's a much smaller crook than anyone thought.

An investigation of allegedly fraudulent ballots in Afghanistan's troubled election has reduced President Hamid Karzai's portion of the vote to about 47 percent, an outcome that will trigger a runoff between him and his closest competitor, according to officials familiar with results.

The tally by the U.N.-backed Electoral Complaints Commission, which one official called "stunning," is due to be finalized Friday. Preliminary results by Afghanistan's Independent Election Commission had given Karzai 54.6 percent of the Aug. 20 vote.

7.6%? C'mon that's practically honest. The little scamp just wanted to avoid a run-off election, because he knows heeding the ways of democracy according to the manner in which their constitution demands is detrimental to his country. Now there's going to be another election, more money is going to be spent, a new round of threats levied against those who vote by the Taliban, and the onset of winter might drive voter apathy to American levels. That is, of course, if Karzai even recognizes the results of the study. You see he thinks that the study of the internationally back election for his internationally backed and funded government during the internationally backed, funded, and fought war for the liberation of his people is too tainted by the stench of international involvement. There is that.

But these findings have "major implications for the Obama administration's ongoing deliberations over Afghanistan war strategy" according to the Washington Post. You see, depending on how Karzai responds to the discovery of his obvious election rigging will determine how we go forward in Afghanistan. You see if he allows the runoff to go forward and admits the fraud, well then we'll give his government billions of dollars and escalate the war in his country. But if he refuses to do either, then we'll just be forced to give his government billions of dollars and escalate the war in his country...but with a head cocked skeptically and a cautious look on our faces. So you can see what hangs in the balance here.

Afghan shenanigans

Afghanistan has been in the news a lot recently. From the President surprisingly (sarcasm) ruling out a reduction in troops today after he spent an entire political campaign running on an Afghan troop increase, to the GOP telling Nancy Pelosi that they were going to put her "in her place" just because she pointed out that House Democrats might not be so eager to support an Afghan troop increase just because Gen. McChrystal wants one. Plus there's this little matter of the UN firing it's #2 man in Afghanistan, Peter Galbraith. Why? Just because he had a little problem with the whole matter of Hamid Karzai stealing the recent election there.

The United Nations fired its No. 2 official in Afghanistan on Wednesday after the diplomat, Peter W. Galbraith, wrote a scathing letter accusing the head of the mission here of concealing election fraud that benefited the campaign of the incumbent president, Hamid Karzai.

“For a long time after the elections, Kai denied that significant fraud had taken place, even going to the extreme of ordering U.N. staff not to discuss the matter,” Mr. Galbraith wrote in the letter, a copy of which was obtained by The New York Times.

“And, at critical stages in the process,” he wrote, “he blocked me and other U.N.A.M.A. professional staff from taking effective action that might have limited the fraud or enabled the Afghan electoral institutions to address it more effectively.” U.N.A.M.A. refers to the United Nations Assistance Mission in Afghanistan

The UN then got even angrier because he decided to point that out in newspapers nationwide. I think what they want Galbraith, and the world, to understand is something we've discussed on this blog a few times: when an election is rigged to put or keep someone we like in power, then that's just an extension of the category we like to cal "democracy working". When elections are rigged to put or keep people we don't like into power, or even a legitimate election puts someone we don't like into power, that's what we call "a travesty of democracy", a "subversion of the people", and "something we need to invade over." This is the basic theory of democracy in relation to foreign policy and Galbraith should understand that as the UN's #2 man in Afghanistan. Excuse me, former #2 man.

So the leader is rigging elections, everyone is scrambling to cover it up, the Taliban is resurgent, we don't have enough troops, casualties are on the rise, and everyone stopped caring about this when everyone realized no noe in government cared about catching that "9/11 mastermind" guy. Yeah, this definitely sounds like a massive troop increase is the right and popular thing to do.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 09.16

Wall Street Gambles on Old People Dying
Via Matt Taibbi comes this look at how Wall Street continues to make people who pile kittens into burlap sacks in order to drown therm in a river look like decent humans. What have they done this time? They've bundled life insurance settlements together like mortgage back securities and essentially allowing investors to wager on when people will die. This sounds like it'll end well.

DIY Pics From the Edge of Space for Just $150
Ever wanted to take pictures of the curvature of the earth or perhaps make the family gerbil and unwilling traveler into the mesosphere? Thanks to two Asian guys from MIT (was there any ever doubt?) you can now recreate the feat for a mere Benjamin and Grant, which is much less money than it cost those rotten Spanish kids who did the same thing. It costs even less if you're willing to part with your beloved Styrofoam beer cooler and steal a camera.

Dorgan Supports Climate Legislation So Long As It Doesn’t Address Climate Change
Great news for climate change legislation. Senator Byron Dorgan is willing to sign on to any action that aggressively addresses climate change as long as it doesn't aggressively address climate change. Or weakly address climate change for that matter. With leadership like that we'll have effective environmental legislation sometime right after the sun fries our brains at the exact moment we're drowning in pure melted ice cap water.

One in three votes for President Karzai 'was faked', EU observers find
Look at the bright side: that mean 66% of his votes were real. That's over half! Sure it wouldn't have been enough to avoid a runoff, bu he still won....a plurality. Look, even though we condemned vote rigging in Iran (sort of), I think the UN needs to realize that sometimes fraudulent elections can be a good thing. Like when it marginally benefits US interests. Stop being such a stickler on the meaning of "democracy".

Patrick Swayze and Chris Farley's Last Dance
To some people, they will remember Patrick Swayze as the star of Dirty Dancing and Roadhouse. To many, he will always be the bank robbing surfer Bodhi who squared off with Keanu Reeve's Johnny Utah in Point Break. But to everyone that matters, he will be the buy that was dancing next to Chris Farley in the SNL Chippendale's sketch. They're both dead now, and that's kind of depressing.

Iran bloggings

• There is tension in Iran between Iran's Supreme Leader and his newly minted flesh puppet "President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It seems when they rigged an election to get Ahmadinejad in power they didn't want him to bring along his VP selection. Because really, just think of all the damage a powerless VP could do to a puppet President in a powerless government that takes all it's orders from corrupt religious dictators. Thankfully Ahmadinejad has vowed to fight on, because if the Supreme Leader is making demands on who should be VP, what other infringements on Iranian "democracy" might he make? Slippery slopes.


• This VP choice has spilled over into a fight with the Cabinet, who clashed with Ahmadinejad in meetings. They must really not like this guy. I mean all they're essentially arguing about is the other guy who gets to sit at the long table and pretend they're running something as they take their orders from the various old men with beards who control things. And really, who wants to spend all that hard work pretending you're a democracy and pretending you're in charge if the guy who is pretending to be VP and pretending to have more power than you is an asshole?


• Worldwide marches and a "day of action" are scheduled for tomorrow to protest Iran and the "election" they had. They plan to stream the protests on YouTube so that Iranian citizens can know that behind the firewall that's blocking them from viewing it, people are supporting them. In Washington there's going to even be an appearance by a man described as "the Iranian combination of Bono and Sting." These protest will involve 10 times the number of protesters as the teabaggers and will proportionally receive 1/10th the coverage.


• Al Gore's Current TV network spends a day with the Basij, the lawless security service that you mostly know for beating up, shooting, and imprisoning protesters.

Well then, I don't know what everyone is complaining about

Iran Extends Deadline for Election Inquiry

As officials began a limited recount of Iran’s disputed presidential ballot on Monday, authorities in Tehran said they had extended by five days their deadline to investigate opposition claims of electoral fraud. The move could postpone the final certification of the ballot, which Iranian leaders insist was fair.
...
The Guardian Council, a 12-member clerical panel charged with vetting and authenticating the June 12 vote, said on Monday that Mr. Moussavi had offered proposals to “rebuilt public trust” after more than two weeks of rallies and protests by the opposition that have drawn a broad and violent crackdown from government security forces.

Press TV, the English-language state satellite broadcaster, said the council had found Mr. Moussavi’s proposals to be “positive.” It did not say what they were.

Whew! I was afraid there that all the complex and logistical challenges that election recounts and inquiries take wouldn't have the full amount of time to be completed. I mean with all those ballots cast, it takes a lot of time to pretend that they are being counted and pretend that laws are being followed. They don't want to make the mistake that was made on election night when they pretended to count them too fast. If they aren't allowed to fully complete the recount, how will they be able to do stuff like give Ahmadinejad more votes? If the GC doesn't have more time where are they gonna find the balls to pull more moves like that?

I'm just glad that when its all over the Guardian Council will have fully and officially certified two things: 1. Yes, Ahmadinejad won by that ridiculous margin, and 2. Thinking there is a second thing is a sign of revolutionary tendencies, the Basij will be around to beat you shortly. See The West, Iran can do things within its own legal system in a fair and open way...provided you ignore quite a lot.

It's also nice to see that the GC has said that Mir Hossein Mousavi offered up some "positive" solutions for a "rebuilt public trust". Let me guess, those "solutions" involve the security forces getting to beat and arrest anyone in groups larger than 3 and also involves Mousavi's public show trial and imprisonment. Those would be helpful ideas. I was worried this thing was going to spiral out of control.

Picture of the day

Courtesy of HERE

Something smells fishy about this election

Surely this whole Iran "protest"/"revolution" thingy dingy isn't going to simmer down anytime soon. Why? Well those mass arrests and shootings for one, planned nationwide strikes, Mousavi claiming he's ready for martyrdom, half of the clerics criticizing the actions of the other half, and now there's evidence that the vote....wait for it...might have been fraudulent. I know, it's surprising to find this Iranian election might have been more rigged than a clipper ship, but I'm beginning to suspect that's the case. But don't believe me, believe Iran's Guardian Council.

Iran's Guardian Council has suggested that the number of votes collected in 50 cities surpass the number of people eligible to cast ballot in those areas.

The council's Spokesman Abbas-Ali Kadkhodaei, who was speaking on the Islamic Republic of Iran Broadcasting (IRIB) Channel 2 on Sunday, made the remarks in response to complaints filed by Mohsen Rezaei -- a defeated candidate in the June 12 Presidential election.

"Statistics provided by the candidates, who claim more than 100% of those eligible have cast their ballot in 80-170 cities are not accurate -- the incident has happened in only 50 cities," Kadkhodaei said.

Now true, the Guardian Council does try to pass this off as completely normal and cast it aside with a sweep of the hand by saying it probably only affected 3 million or so votes, but that's OK because Ahmadinejad won by more than that. So there's really nothing to worry about. These results were confirmed in a separate analysis by eggheads with books.

I've got to say this is a new one. "Sure there was widespread fraud that is so obvious we had to address it. But that's OK because the margin we picked Ahmadinejad to win by exceeded the amount of fraud we mistakenly made so obvious. Now fuck off." But when you're trying to set the record for Most Fraudulent Election, it's nice to follow the count and recount that featured no counting with reassurances that its normal for most places to have more votes than voters. At least they're consistent. But this is what happens when democracy tries to get in the way of theocracy. The people voted for who they wanted, but God knew better, so things had to be rigged on His behalf. Sorry Iran, but after all God is pretty smart and this is the system you didn't vote for. I'm sorry you couldn't understand that.

Everything in Iran is fixed now

Don't worry. Those mourning rallies, new protest rallies, investigations into deaths resulting from a military attack on Tehran University are all unnecessary. Why? Because the people who helped rig the election are totally going to look into complaints about vote rigging.

Iran's rulers today offered a fresh concession to opposition protesters angry at the official results of presidential elections by inviting candidates to present their allegations of vote-rigging at a formal session.

The powerful guardian council has convened an extraordinary session for Saturday and invited the three candidates who were, according to official results, defeated by the incumbent, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

The council announced on Tuesday that it would re-examine disputed ballot boxes. Its move came as tens of thousands of protesters began to amass on the streets of Tehran for a sixth day of demonstrations.

Whew! Crisis over. Mousavi will just forward a link from Nate Silver, point out some of the more glaring electoral impossibilities, the fact that several laws of the space-time continuum seemed to be broken during the first "counting" of the vote, and then I'm sure the Guardian Council will see the error of their ways, respond sanely, and will either have a re-election or actually go and count the votes they didn't count last time. Then all the protesters will simply go home, say thanks for restoring their "democracy", and completely trust the results. Those who rigged the election will totally see the error of their ways, vow never to do it again, and commit themselves to a full and fair legal accounting of their crimes. This completely sounds like a situation where evidence is important, reason reigns, and cooler heads prevail.

Or, you know, everyone gets arrested, sham trials, heavier police crackdowns, and Ahmadinejad continues to walk around and act like he can't believe everyone thinks there's anything unusual going on in his country. One of those two. Either way, I'm sure this is the end of it. The fox agreed to look into the henhouse incident. Crisis over.

Broken in Brief: Iran can't believe you bought that 'democracy' bullshit

TEHRAN--Diplomatic relations between the west and the Islamic Republic of Iran have collapsed virtually overnight as the Middle East power has become distracted by quashing reformist protests to the disputed presidential election and rolling around on the floor in a fit of debilitating laughter.

Orders by both incumbent president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Ayatollah Ali Khamenei to crush opposition demonstrations over rampant voting irregularities were reportedly issued through tear-filled eyes, as neither Mr. Ahmadinejad nor Mr. Khamenei were able to stop laughing long enough to order police and military into the streets with a straight face.

"I... can't... believe... you all.. fell... for... it," the diminutive leader said, barely able to speak through his constant, hysterical laughter. "It was so obvious, and you fell for it hook, line, and sinker. Here, let's shake hands and make up," he finsished, offering up his hand in friendship. "Whoops," he yelled, pulling his hand back dramatically as onlookers attempted to shake it. "I got you again. AH HA-HA-HA! This is too easy! Ali, Ali, you talk, I can't stop laughing."

But Ayatollah Ali Khamenei was unable to even form basic words as he was laughing so hard. As he was doubled over cackling, some journalists began to point out a trail of urine seeping out from under his robes. Soon he was able to compose himself enough to sarcastically toddle over to a cardboard box at the side of the stage and mockingly put a slip of paper into it.

"Look! Look! I'm expressing my rights as a free citizen," the religious leader said before once again rendering himself unable to speak due to his uncontrollable chortling. It was at this point that President Ahmadinejad fell to the floor laughing, clutching his sides, and kicking his legs in a wild manner. "It's... just... so... funny," he squealed, gasping for air.

At press time opposition and protest leaders were unable to understand what was so funny. But sources close to them were preparing their own return joke. One source close to rival Presidential candidate Hossein Mousavi was heard to quip, "From a physical comedy standpoint, what's funnier when it happens to a despotic leader: public stoning or public hanging?" before being dragged away and tossed into a windowless van.

Pictures of the day

The Big Picture Blog with scenes from the event that Iranian leaders say isn't happening. It directly follows a photo series of the Iranian election and the people being happy about expressing a limited form of Democracy. Yeah.....didn't work out so well. If you go look at them note the transition between the two sets: smiles become frowns and the ink stained index finger turns into a blood stained middle finger/fist holding rock.

Oh good, more chaos in the Middle East

Hey remember that part where millions and millions of Iranians went out and voted in what many world leaders, observers, and bloggers were calling a sign of hope for free and fair elections inside Iran and signaled hopes that what was essentially an Islamic theocracy was showing signs of becoming more modern and willing to join the world community? Yeah, that all went pear shaped, didn't it?

I can't believe rigging the vote in the most ham-handed way possible, shutting down methods of communication within Iran, blocking foreign news, putting rival leaders under house arrest, sending in police to beat up protesters, immediately signing off on election results, and ordering people not to protest didn't go off without a hitch. Unpopular coup attempts from an unelected religious theocracy against popular reform leaders usually go so well. Especially when they come at the end of an election that saw massive turnout in favor of that reform. I can't believe the Iranian people didn't buy it. I would have swore picking a random landslide number and saying Ahmadinejad won by that number would have worked. I guess that's a lesson to all you future dictatorships out there, when you nakedly rig an election, say your guy won by 51%, not 67%.

What now? Well suddenly crazy right wing claims of Iran/Israel military conflict don't sound so far fetched. Inside Iran there seems to be not only realization that this whole process was a farce, but real anger, and serious attempts to make sure this fraud isn't allowed to stand. Mir Hossein Mousavi, the man who really won the election, is still alive and seems to be able to organize his supporters into action. In a surprising reversal, Ayatollah Assaholla Khamenei has decided that maybe this whole election rigging for the massively unpopular leader the people are now in the streets rioting against chanting "death to the dictator" thing was a mistake and has ordered an inquiry into the election. Of course the same people who rigged it are probably going to be doing the inquiry, so let's not get too far ahead of ourselves just yet.

Isn't the Middle East great? Just when you thought there wasn't one more way that the place could become crazier and more unstable, Iran rigs an election. Good times. Oh, American TV media? You might want to , I don't know, cover this a little more intensely. It seems important.

The Iranian Election

The results of the Iranian election will be known by tomorrow. At stake is the future of who we will be able to demonize as the new Devil for domestic political purposes. Running against each other are the old new Satan, Mahmoud "Not a fan of the Jews" Ahmadinejad, and the man who wants to become the new new Satan, Hossein "Obamadinejad" Mousavi.

At stake? Whether Iranians will repudiate President Obama's wishes for a more democratic Iran and more open dialogue between us or if they will agree with America. There are also chances of a third route where they don't even take America's views into consideration and instead base their vote around what they think is the best decision for their own country, but this possibility has been laughed off by American political commentators as "ridiculous beyond all belief." It's totally about us. Everything is always about us.

Iranians packed polling stations from boutique-lined streets in north Tehran to conservative bastions in the countryside Friday with a choice that's left the nation divided and on edge: keeping hard-line President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in power or electing a reformist who favors greater freedoms and improved ties with the United States.
...
But Mousavi has offered hopes of more freedoms at home. If elected, he could try to end crackdowns on liberal media and bloggers and push for Iran to embrace President Barack Obama's offer of dialogue after a nearly 30-year diplomatic freeze. He favors talks with world powers over Iran's nuclear program, which the United States and others fear is aimed at making weapons. Iran says it only seeks reactors for electricity.

Iranians around the world also took part in the vote. In Dubai, home to an estimated 200,000 Iranians, the streets around the polling station at the Iranian consulate were jammed with voters overwhelmingly favoring Mousavi.

"He is our Obama," said Maliki Zadehamid, a 39-year-old exporter.

Bah, I bet Mousavi can't even ball. Turnout is expected to surpass 80%, which kind of rubs our noses in shit as THE freedom loving freeple of freeberty and freemocracy. We're getting schooled by the oppressive hand of Islamic theocracy. It's all meaningless though, whoever they elect is just gonna be run by a shadowy group of clerics who hold the real power. They don't even have the decency to let their government be run by a shadowy group of corporations who hold the real power. And Iran calls themselves a democracy.

So, just a heads up. You might have to start thinking about a new despotic, antagonistic, enemy leader of Iran. I just don't want you to be confused if you hear Newt or Rush saying some Mousavi guy is the new Hitler or we have to carpet bomb Iran because of this Mousavi guy. Be prepared.

Amy Goodman: Clearly a security threat

Democracy Now!'s Amy Goodman should have known better than to confront law enforcement officials about the illegal detention of two co-workers. Asking straightforward questions tends to open up small, unarmed journalists with notebooks instead of sidearms to all sorts of "justice."



The good news: They've since been released.

The bad news: Goodman's colleagues, Sharif Abdel Kouddous and Nicole Salazar, have felony riot charges pending.

Impeaching Musharraf. This will end well.

Pakistan coalition moves to impeach Musharraf

Pakistan's usually fractious coalition government moved decisively for the first time on Thursday to impeach President Pervez Musharraf, who has been an important American ally in the campaign against terror but who has largely been pushed to the sidelines since his party lost elections in February.

The leaders of the two main parties in the coalition - who have barely been on speaking terms in recent weeks - announced their impeachment strategy at a news conference in Islamabad.

In the joint statement, they said that Musharraf would be required to face a vote of confidence in the national assembly, with the implication that if that vote did not pass then impeachment would immediately proceed.

Of course Musharraf still has considerable power, he can legally dissolve Parliament to avoid impeachment as long as he gets an agreement from the army. Boy, that ought to be hard for the former leader of the military to get.

According to politicians who have seen Musharraf recently, the president has declared he would not go easily. Zardari warned the president against dismissing parliament as a way of clinging to power. "If he does it, it will be his last verdict against the people, against the people's mandate and against Pakistan."

Yeah, I'm sure that's of real ethical concern to a military strongman who took power by coup. But, dear reader, I'm sure you're wondering what exactly has brought about this series of events in Pakistan. Well according to the news: "the coalition says that Musharraf acted unconstitutionally by declaring a state of emergency last November and dismissing nearly 60 judges, including the chief justice of the Supreme Court."

That barely rates on the list of things Bush has done. Yeah, Pakistan takes it Constitution more seriously than we do. By the way, that cry you heard? It was the furious anguish of Dennis Kucinich as he trained angrily in his basement dojo. Don't bring it up to him or you'll quickly fall to his sword as he parrys and thrusts and twirls all around you like a Congressional Yoda.

The fact is this could very well end with Parliament dissolved and the military hunting for the traitors as Musharraf consolidates power even more. The men who moved to start impeachment know this and they still went ahead with it. Meanwhile in our country you can recklessly violate thousands of laws, pardon cronies who committed illegal acts on your behalf, spy on your citizens, out CIA agents, violate several Constitutional Amendments, and completely politicize the Justice Department to protect yourself from prosecution, combine it with the lowest approval rating for a President ever, and only a tiny man from Ohio seems to view it seriously enough to move for impeachment. Pakistan has a better functioning Democracy than we do.

Broken News: Second Amendment Moves to Kill First

WASHINGTON--In an unprecedented move, the Second Amendment vowed today to conquer and replace the First Amendment "by any means necessary.” While there has been no official response from First, notorious gossip, the Ninth Amendment, claimed First was cowering in a urine-soaked corner and pleading for someone to save it from so manly an amendment as Second.

Sources close to the FBI say that, after being contracted for a hit on the Fourth Amendment last week, Second did not report back to his holding cell inside the FBI Laws and Amendments compound at Quantico. Later that day, the body of Second's longtime partner, the Eighth Amendment, was discovered in several tattered pieces behind the escaped operative's toilet.

Those same sources allege that Second seized upon an opportunity to make his move and become the only amendment to the US Constitution. This accusation was confirmed today when Second surfaced just long enough to release a pamphlet entitled "Bill of Right" in which he stated that it was his patriotic duty to eliminate all the other remaining Amendments, starting with the First. He wrote "Do we need a First Amendment when your gun can do the talking for you?"

The Second Amendment, occasionally known as “The People’s Amendment”, was originally devised by the founding fathers as a means for the populace to protect itself from a tyrannical government, a codicil perhaps influenced by their having come of age in a monarchy. Second rose to prominence as America’s favorite because, as Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said in the recent Heller decision, "it can be pointed at a burglar with one hand while the other hand dials the police."

[Editor's note: That is an actual quote. We are incapable of making this shit up.]

Seemingly buoyed by the Supreme Court's recent 5-4 decision overturning DC's handgun ban, not to mention hundreds of trillions of dollars in NRA lobbying efforts over the last four months, constitutional insiders say that Second has, “long been primed and ready to go gunning for the numero uno slot, he just needed an opening.”

“Frankly, it’s time.” said Wayne LaPierre, CEO and Executive Vice-President of the National Rifle Association. “With the court the way it is, we can pretty much 5-4 ourselves to whatever we want. Besides, First is weak and needs to be put down like a sick dog. So long as we're all forced to agree by a politically rigged court, why do we even need First? Or any of them? Second is King! I worship at its sacred altar! All hail Second! It is our right!"

Over the years, debate amongst constitutional scholars has raged over whether this right was intended for all Americans or, as the Amendment states, only those in "well regulated militias, being necessary for the security of a free state." The argument has been compounded by the fact that militias are no longer this country’s primary means of defense, as we have a military with laser-guided bombs, thirty-ton tanks, and munitions that can destroy everything but the fillings in your teeth. Militias, on the other hand, consist almost exclusively of unregulated coalitions of backwoods conspiracy theorists resigned to distilling moonshine and protecting small parcels of land covered in deer shit and tin shacks from imminent invasion by the federal government.

None can seriously doubt that First is weaker than ever, given a cursory glance at its provisions:

--Freedom of speech was badly injured after 9-11, when Americans collectively decided that, were they to speak their minds or abstain from crass consumerism, the terrorists would win.

--The right of the people to peaceably assemble has been turned over to the government in good faith, with the tacit understanding that the arrangement will not affect sporting events or concerts.

--The right to petition the Government for a redress of grievances has been abandoned in favor of a “Government knows best” policy.

--Freedom of the press is missing, presumed dead, after the professional news media decided questioning the government was too taxing and it was best to regurgitate official press releases and argue incessantly over party-sanctioned talking points while emphasizing high school-style gossip and not the petty little trivialities of policy decisions impacting literally billions of human lives. In fact, the media buried the death of the Free Press on page A28, below the fold.

In fact, only Making no law respecting an establishment of religion is thriving. as Americans, despondent over their benign neglect of the country, have turned to a new regionalized crops of fringe zealotry.

“It’s just been depressing,” says Professor R.J. Gumby of St. Pooves, one of the newer faiths. “We’ve just handed over these rights, not fought for them, and gotten bent over and banged roughly for going on eight years now. We’re pining for someone to do something as a Norwegian Blue pines for the fjords. Why won’t anyone fix things for us?”

According to the latest footage, Second is said to be stalking the streets, armed, ironically enough, with long knives, in search of the battered and abused First. Rumors have begun circulating that First has bought a Bowflex and every Rocky movie in hopes of making a stand sometime in late October or early November. Whether "Ol' Firsty" can survive that long is a matter of debate. Will he will be consigned to the law and amendment dustbin like so many others, notably “Free Pie Tuesdays” and that Slavery one? Only time will tell.

If the President does it, it's legal

As expected Bush signed the FISA "compromise" into law today. He grandstanded on about 3,000 or so corpses and thanked the House and Senate for assuming the fetal position so quickly and so thoroughly. He marveled at the lowness of his approval rating and how he was still able to strongarm the weak kneed members of the Democratic party into accepting a deal that benefited no one but those who had already broken the law. He then wandered off into the rose garden wondering if he could get Democrats to authorize war with Iran if he threatened to veto a bill that would rename a Post Office after Betty Grable and commemorate the season of Tulsa's 3rd best Pop Warner team. He already knew the answer.

Luckily for the non-crooked members of society the ACLU is going to sue on the basis that the law is unconstitutional and Congress is comprised of rotten toad fuckers. Democrats on the other hand are going to continue the strategy that has won them so many elections over the past twenty years. They plan on not getting called weak pussies by doing exactly what Bush and Republicans want, after which they will be called weak pussies by Bush, the Republicans, and the National Press. I believe it's called strength through utter spineless capitulation. They can't even rise to the level of saying they surrendered, they couldn't even muster that much effort.

Take heed though "There is nothing to fear in the bill, said Senator Christopher S. Bond, the Missouri Republican who was a lead negotiator, "unless you have Al Qaeda on your speed dial." Trust your government, you have nothing to worry in. They use their powers responsibly. I mean it's not like they're going to, I don't know, illegally wiretap American citizens outside of the established law, get their asses hauled into court for multiple felonies resulting in violating FISA and the Constitution, and then get bailed out by people who just want it covered up and done with. Who could think something like that would ever be done by our government?