Weekend reading assignment

In Wal-Mart's Image
Harold Meyerson of the American Prospect looks into the almost Dickensian beginnings of the Wal-Mart empire and how it ties together with how retail business operates within the US economy and our financial collapse through a review of two new books on the subject.

Shotgun Adoption
Kathryn Joyce of the Nation takes a look at the Christian right's community of crisis pregnancy centers and their ties to the Christian right's adoption agencies and finds an almost 'baby mill' type environment filled with lies, coercion, near brainwashing, and mental abuse towards the pregnant women who partake of their services in an attempt to shepherd newborns for large adoption fees. Heartwarming stuff.

An Insider’s Guide to the Large Hadron Collider
Wired Science provides excerpts from the new book Collider by Paul Halpern, a book which looks at the creation and running of the LHC as well as the theory, mechanics, and science of the experimental high-energy physics going on in it. In it are detailed diagrams on how they plan to use the LHC to capture and kill God by opening up a black hole and devouring the Solar System, as well as pictures of the gravestone they had made up for our Creator.

Homeland Security Marked By Waste, Lack of Oversight
I know I'm going to shock you here, but it turns out that not only did Mayberry and Hooterville not need all that money to protect the Sorghum Festival from al Qaeda, but it turns out that the money they did get they wasted. At least that's the conclusion of G.W. Schultz and the Center for Investigative Reporting. I don't know, maybe lawnmowers, big screen TV's, and boxed up, never used security equipment are useful in scaring away Osama.

Iran bloggings

• There is tension in Iran between Iran's Supreme Leader and his newly minted flesh puppet "President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. It seems when they rigged an election to get Ahmadinejad in power they didn't want him to bring along his VP selection. Because really, just think of all the damage a powerless VP could do to a puppet President in a powerless government that takes all it's orders from corrupt religious dictators. Thankfully Ahmadinejad has vowed to fight on, because if the Supreme Leader is making demands on who should be VP, what other infringements on Iranian "democracy" might he make? Slippery slopes.


• This VP choice has spilled over into a fight with the Cabinet, who clashed with Ahmadinejad in meetings. They must really not like this guy. I mean all they're essentially arguing about is the other guy who gets to sit at the long table and pretend they're running something as they take their orders from the various old men with beards who control things. And really, who wants to spend all that hard work pretending you're a democracy and pretending you're in charge if the guy who is pretending to be VP and pretending to have more power than you is an asshole?


• Worldwide marches and a "day of action" are scheduled for tomorrow to protest Iran and the "election" they had. They plan to stream the protests on YouTube so that Iranian citizens can know that behind the firewall that's blocking them from viewing it, people are supporting them. In Washington there's going to even be an appearance by a man described as "the Iranian combination of Bono and Sting." These protest will involve 10 times the number of protesters as the teabaggers and will proportionally receive 1/10th the coverage.


• Al Gore's Current TV network spends a day with the Basij, the lawless security service that you mostly know for beating up, shooting, and imprisoning protesters.

Things that should scare you today

The IMF's World Economic Outlook
They may use the phrase "Stabilization is uneven and recovery will likely be sluggish" and use lots of depressing charts, but after you cut through all their scholarly talk you come down to the simple fact that they agree with the TB endorsed policy of hoarding food, stealing hydro and petrol, making weapons, and decorating your house with the bones of the defeated in order to ward off evil spirits and bad omens. It's all there in the footnotes.

That this letter represents the writing and intellectual ability of an elected representative of this country
Granted it's John Ensign and Nevada more or less deserves it for the quality of people they elect, but both the handwriting and prose suggest that of a 12 year old boy, instead of an adult senator. It comes across as a kid who got caught doing something bad in Sunday School and has to write an apology letter to God. All that's really missing is a bad finger-painting of a bearded man frowning at a guy in a suit. With arrows pointing out which one is God and which one is Ensign.

That all the TV news can seem to cover now is Michael Jackson and Sarah Palin.
I mean sure Iran is erupting again, the China situation is apparently so important and serious that it caused Hu Jintao to ditch the G-8 Summit and start threatening the death penalty, and there's a myriad of domestic issues that are being debated seriously, but who needs to cover that shit when you can spend 12 hours each on "Is Palin really a super-secret genius who has already won the 2012 Presidency?" and "Was it exploitative to have Michael Jackson' daughter speak at his memorial?" Let me handle those two for you: No, Palin is a crooked idiot and no, but you're trying to exploit Jackson's daughter now for ratings. We shouldn't have to tell them that other news is going on, they're the news, they should already know that.

Over the weekend

A round-up of things that happened over the weekend while we were all eating nurgers to the sound of the sky exploding.

Robert McNamara, Architect of Vietnam War, Dies at 93
God, during his all-time record run of celebrity killing, has taken Robert McNamara. *Sniff* and he still had so many ill-conceived wars left to give us. His last words were reportedly either "Yeah, the blood still won't come off my hands" or "I can't believe the fiasco in Iraq didn't help rehabilitate my image by proxy. Fuck it, I'm out!" In his post-government career he took to helping the poor with financial aid and showing remorse, regret, and self-reflection for that whole Vietnam thing. Remember kids, if you want to start a war try to think about and experience those thoughts and emotions before you do it.

Afghan Presidential Candidate Takes a Page From Obama's Playbook
James Carville has decided to go to Afghanistan to help advise the campaign of the man running against Karzai. Carville ought to be able to give great insights on all the strategies that don't work against Obama's, seeing as he helped mastermind some of them for Hillary. They hope to turn the candidate Ghani into the Muslim Obama, which is coincidentally what John McCain wanted to do to the actual Obama. They hope to recreate the whole Obama phenomenon and campaign strategy....except without the whole internet & TV thing. The initial slogan is rumored to be "Severely Tempered Hope".

Ethnic Clashes in Western China Are Said to Kill Scores
You think news out of Iran is hard to come by? Try China. They announced that for some reason there were ethnic clashes in the city of Urumqui, that you shouldn't really worry your pretty little head why or even where that city is, and that as a result 140 people are dead and the number of injured is creeping up into the low thousands. The clash was reportedly between Uighurs and Han over...something....which will never be heard about again. Right now Khamenei is shaking his head and saying to himself "That's how you do it."

Cheap Blogging Crutch 06.05

North Korea's Kim Anoints Youngest Son As Heir
Scratch any plans you had of moving to North Korea and running for President after Kim Jong-Il kicks off. Seems they're a little nepotistic in Pyongyang. Shocking. Though given the exponential increase in craziness from Kim Il-Sung to Kim Jong-Il, I wonder how crazy we can expect Kim Jong-Un to be? Might someone be making a go a Caligula's "Craziest Leader" title? We'll have to wait and see.

Earth Gets Billion-Year Life Extension
Just in case you were thinking of scuttling your plans to put your brain in a robot body in a bid for immorality just because the Earth only had a lousy billion more years to go, well you are in luck. Science has given the Earth a full 2.3 billion years of habitability. So get back in the garage and keep tinkering, science says it'll be worth the effort.

U.S. Accidentally Releases List of Nuclear Sites
Whoops! Ever have one of those days when nothing goes right? You burn your toast, catch every red light, get shot down by the pretty girl at the office, you lose your briefcase, and then you accidentally release a confidential list of every nuclear site in the United States? Yeah, that happens to everyone. Especially the nuclear one. Boy is egg gonna be on this guy's face if a nuclear site is attacked by terrorists. He's gonna get ribbed so hard at the water cooler.

Manchester United name Aon Corp as new £80m shirt sponsors
An era come to an end. The government is no longer funding the shirt sponsorship of the world's premier (or at least second best) soccer team. Sadly this kills my dream of getting them to put Ben Bernake's head on the front of their jerseys. Good choice going with another financial services giant, ManU. It worked so well last time.

Miranda Kerr Naked On Rolling Stone For Environment, "Specifically Koalas"
Thank dying koalas and a tragic eucalyptus shortage, for a near nude Miranda Kerr. Though this does raise an important question: exactly how many koalas are you willing to make sure die in order to get Kerr to not strategically cover up her naughty bits? Is it strange that I know the exact number of koalas I'd be willing to murder?

Evgeni Malkin's mother's lucky borscht
Want to know the secret borscht recipe that's fueling Evgeni Malkin to the most points in a playoffs since Gretzky in 93 and the most multi-point games since Lemieux in 92? The PG come through in spades. "1 pound any kind of meat, cubed." Oh Mrs. Malkin, I think I'm in love.

Cheney Hate Triad

That son of a bitch popped his head up and started talking again yesterday. Naturally, as he can't seem to ever stop talking, there are numerous fallacies, straw men, and lies to go over. Even the thes and ands are false. Let's hit on a couple of noteworthy parts of his remarks.

"On the question of whether or not Iraq was involved in 9-11, there was never any evidence to prove that," he told the "On The Record" host in a joint interview with his daughter Liz. "There was "some reporting early on ... but that was never borne out," Cheney said.

You know,that would have been a nice thing to mention when you were mentioning there was solid evidence to prove Iraq and al-Qaeda were working together. That "reporting early on" was you. What tipped you off? Was it the complete lack of evidence or the fact that you spent all that time waterboarding prisoners to find out what the connection was and they never gave you anything good? Thanks for finally coming to the conclusion six years, two wars, thousands of lives, and a couple hundred billion dollars later.

At least he's finally dealing with 9/11 and criticism towards the Bush Administration like an adult.

CHENEY: You know, Dick Clarke. Dick Clarke, who was the head of the counterrorism program in the run-up to 9/11. He obviously missed it. The fact is that we did what we felt we had to do, and if I had to do it all over again, I would do exactly the same thing.

That's right, he's blaming Richard Clarke for 9/11. That's the same Richard Clarke who was trying to convince them to focus on terrorism while they were focused on missile defense. The same Richard Clarke who couldn't get a meeting with the Bush Administration. The same Richard Clarke who sent countless memos and e-mails to Cheney and guys like Cheney with titles like “Bin Laden and Associates Making Near-Term Threats”. The same Clarke whose 2000-01 terrorism plan languished inside the Bush bureaucracy. The same 9/11 that happened 8 months into the Bush Administration's reign. Clearly Richard Clarke's fault and not the guys who wouldn't listen to him.

Then there's this odious little comment.

Asked if “some form of legalized marriage” was “inevitable in the United States,” Cheney said that “freedom means freedom for everyone.” “I think people ought to be free to enter into any kind of union they wish,” said Cheney, adding that believes marriage should be regulated at the state level.

See...wait. He just said something I agreed with. Getting dizzy...head spinning....world collapsing....urge to vomit increasing....

There. Recomposed myself. This raises an important question: If Dick Cheney supports gay marriage, is there a chance that it might be as morally ruinous as Christian Fundamentalists claim? I think we have to consider that possibility now. Though frankly, this would have been a nice thing to say during those eight years when you were running things and your party was making big hay out of demonizing gay marriage. I guess you were too busy violating the Constitution to notice. Isn't that always the way it happens?

Saturday News Hole 5.30

Glowing Baby Monkeys: Marmosets Inherit Genes Added By Science
As if glowing beagles weren't enough. Science, in its unending quest to shame God, has decided that marmosets need to glow in the dark. Why? So you can experience that zoo monkey house smell at night and still know where all the monkeys are. Just kidding, its so we can better give lab animals diseases so we can do medical experiments on them. So yes Virginia, you may have a glowing monkey, but only if you're going to do some medical tests on it.

Dem Senators Open To Allowing Innocent Chinese Detainees To Live In U.S.
Sure we can't let the criminal masterminds at Gitmo onto American soil, but what about the innocent 17 Chinese Uighurs we're also holding there? Shouldn't we , I don't know, let them go free. That would make sense, wouldn't it? Well you don't think like a Senator. Even though everyone recognizes they are innocent and even though they should be let go, our elected betters in the senate still aren't totally sure what the next course of action should be. They have to negotiate what to do with innocent people we've held for six years. And now you know why nothing useful ever happens in the Senate. It's where common sense goes to die a thousand deaths.

North Korea Test-Fires Missile, Vows To Retaliate If Provoked
Gotta love North Korea. Illegally tests a nuke, illegally tests some short range missiles, vows to illegally test some long range missiles, and all but says it doesn't consider the 1953 Korean War truce. But also simultaneously claims that everyone is provoking him and that if the UN so much as tries to sanction them for any of this, well then they vow to get really crazy. When did starving his people and kidnapping Japanese directors so they could make monster movies for him stop being enough for Kimmy? I'm afraid it's looking like Kim Jong-Il gonna provoke us into a war in Korea before the crazies in this country can regroup after the Obama victory to provoke us into a war with Iran. And I did really want to see Tehran in the springtime.

Debate Over Child Executions Roils Iran's Presidential Vote
You think Presidential elections over here are full of bullshit macho posturing? Iran has us beat. They're arguing over whether it's cool to execute children after they hit the age of maturity (15 years old for boys, 9 years old for girls). What's the other big issue in the race to unseat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad? Freedom to blog/freedom of speech. Haven't these people ever heard of injecting dimwitted plumbers and hockey moms into their elections? Everything's gotta be so serious.

370 Beech Street Highland Park, IL 60035
When Cameron was in Egypt's land........let my Cameron go. If you've got $2.3 million and are interested in 5,300 Sq Ft on 0.75 acres which also happened to be Cameron's house in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, then you're in luck. It's even been repaired since the time some damned idiot backed a Ferrari out of the steel and glass garage into a ravine while trying to run the mileage backwards.

A compendium of childish reactions to the new liberal devil

Mike Huckabee hears "Latino" and "woman" and doesn't bother learning Judge Sotomayor's first name before he fires off a complaint about "feelings" and "the far left." He just assumes she's named Maria and may or may not be in the middle of a doomed romance/pitched dance off between the Jets and Sharks.

The Judicial Confirmation Network's Wendy Long dropped in the phrase "liberal judicial activist", accused her judicial style of dishonoring police and firefighters who died on 9/11, "reads racial preferences and quotas into the Constitution", and said she was more liberal activisty than the current liberal activist Supreme Court which is full of liberal activists. Judicalpocalypse in other words.

Rod Dreher calls her a mediocre Quota Queen, the left's Harriet Miers, and is relieved that Obama picked a dumb liberal woman instead of someone who can match wits with Scalia.

Charles Krauthammer decided she cares more about minorities and affirmative action than justice and that conservatives essentially need to oppose her to show that white people will not let this stand, man.

Red State: Intellectually shallow. To be clear: they were describing Sotomayer and not the entirety of their website.

Powerline wonders if she's "Che Guevara in robes". I guess we won't know until she's dead in Bolivia after failing to foment a revolution there.

The New Republic is perplexed as to why its dirty, anonymously sourced hit piece on Sotomayor is being used by conservatives to attack her. Gee, I wonder why.

National Review's Mark Hemingway: ‘Dumb,’ ‘Bully,’ ‘Doesn’t Play Well With Others,’ ‘Obnoxious’

ThinkProgress has video from Karl Rove to various Fox Newsies giving different variations of "not smart" and "intellectual lightweight".

There are also reports of a Virgin Mary statue bleeding from the eyes and the birth of a white two headed calf that the media ignored in favor of the birth of a tan two headed calf. We aren't even 12 hours into the nomination yet.

Things that don't sound good

Iran Announces Successful Missile Test

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced Wednesday that his country had successfully launched a medium-range missile, just two days after President Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu discussed the importance of halting Iran's nuclear ambitions.

Gee, after Israeli elections that make the government more hard-line and right wing, the day after the US talks to Israel about "that Iran thing" and Israel's possible propensity for launching some unannounced missile strikes, Iran decides to do some missile testing. Then when asked about the range of the missiles all Ahmadinejad can say is "Oh, they can go as far as...say Israel, to use an example." This sounds like it's going to make things so much better.

Another Democrat Says CIA Records On Briefings Were Not Accurate

The letter makes Obey the fourth Democrat to allege that the CIA's record of which members of Congress were briefed on the Bush administration's enhanced interrogation techniques contained factual errors. Former Sen. Bob Graham, in an interview with the Huffington Post, noted that the agency's records initially had him being briefed four times in 2002 about the interrogation techniques. Upon contacting officials with the CIA, it was determined that he had only attended one such briefing. Similarly, Sen. Jay Rockefeller has said that the records kept by the agency and made public on May 7 contained errors in regards to his briefings.

All told, the testimonies of these three Democratic officials bolster the case made by Speaker Nancy Pelosi that the agency's own account of those now-controversial briefings is misleading. Pelosi -- like Graham -- has insisted that members of Congress were kept in the dark in the fall of 2002 about the Bush administration's use of waterboarding on terrorist suspects.

All right! The CIA is back to actively misleading elected officials and fabricating records on their dealings with Congress. Topple a few African governments, rig a few European elections, switch out that high fructose corn syrup for real sugar, and we're back to the classic CIA we all loved. Some of the GOP, in their quest to blame all the torture (which was awesome) on Nancy Pelosi, seem to want to fight a battle based around the thought that the CIA would ever mislead Americans or elected officials...ever. Of all the battles to fight and all the hills to die on, "the CIA is honest" is probably the one you want to fight the least.

Arms Sent by U.S. May Be Falling Into Taliban Hands

Insurgents in Afghanistan, fighting from some of the poorest and most remote regions on earth, have managed for years to maintain an intensive guerrilla war against materially superior American and Afghan forces.

Arms and ordnance collected from dead insurgents hint at one possible reason: Of 30 rifle magazines recently taken from insurgents’ corpses, at least 17 contained cartridges, or rounds, identical to ammunition the United States had provided to Afghan government forces, according to an examination of ammunition markings by The New York Times and interviews with American officers and arms dealers.

Why does this sound familiar? *cough*Cambodia, Vietnam, Laos, Iraq*cough* "May be", NYT? Between the weapons and money we give to Pakistan that end up in the Taliban's hands and all the equipment and money we give to Pakistan for anti-terrorism work they don't do, we're practically funding, arming, and supporting the fight against ourselves and our allies.Good thing we're not going to ramp up military action and funding into that whole entire area. ....Oh wait. Well.....at least we aren't sending them shipments of uranium that they totally promise to use to build a uranium statue of George Washington.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 4.17

Ex-McCain aide to call for gay marriage support
Seems former McCain aide Steve Schmidt thinks that Republicans being for gay marriage is a smart thing. He'll be denounced as a heretic, shunned, and possibly stoned by the rest of his party in 3...2...1. While it's good to see him make the argument, let's make sure he's not involved in selling it or getting it passed. I don't know how much McCain campaign type backbiting, mixed messages, infighting, confusion, incoherence, and mismanagement the issue can take.

Banks Rush to Repay U.S. Funds, but Cling To Other Lifelines
Well, well, well. Banks want to bitch about taking one set of government funds while lining up at the trough to take another. CEO's are complaining about the restrictions surrounding the use of TARP funds, using words like "scarlet letter", "asinine", and complain that they only took the money to show a united front. Now that some turned a 1st quarter profit, they want to yell about how they never needed the money in the first place, they're defaulting on checks to their butler, and the terms are "damaging the economy", neglecting to mention the fact that they'd be bankrupt if they didn't get the TARP money and are still hoovering up government billions from other areas. They really haven't learned anything, have they?

Injured War Zone Contractors Fight to Get Care From AIG and Other Insurers
Turns out those bastion of usefulness, AIG, were making quite a handsome profit off of the Iraq war. Not only did they insure civilian contractors, collecting premiums to the tune of $1.5 billion dollars, a sum an army audit called "unreasonably high", they went ahead and denied 44% of all claims for contractors suffering serious injuries and over half of all claims for psychological distress. They were able to net a cool $600 million profit, which given their track record, they probably used to fund the liquidation of orphans in sub-Saharan Africa. God, I'm so glad they were too big to fail. What would we ever do without them? I mean besides have a solvent economy and treat people wounded in war with a shred of dignity.

Sondhi Limthongkul Survives 84 Gunshots
Mr. Limthongkul, aka King of the Badasses, organized protests that ended up deposing Thai PM Thaksin Shinawatra last year. The New Rasputin, who led the 'yellow shirts', has been under fire (figuratively at first, now literally) from the 'red shirts' who backed the previous government and are trying to protest the new government out of power. When asked for comment, Mr. Limthongkul responded that "there is no spoon" and then kung fu fought his way through a bunch of men in black suits.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 4.1

Super Bowl Loss Can 'Kill' Some Fans
I knew the Steelers winning the Super Bowl meant more than just bragging rights over 31 other cities, it turns out the XLIII victory meant that the Steelers Nation will live longer. Now if they could just figure out how many years Super Bowls XL and XLIII added to my life and computate it with how many years the Kordell Stewart helmed AFC Championship games took off it. According to science if the Steelers are able to string together three SB victories in a row everyone in Pittsburgh will become functionally immortal. Highlanders. So draft some fucking lineman already so we can live forever.

Unions protest Joe the Plumber in Pittsburgh.
What's that? A union town doesn't like a mongoloid political novelty act come to town to bash unions and ignorantly pontificate on things he doesn't understand? For future reference: Republicans, if you want to send someone to advocate to unions that they should willingly sodomize themselves, don't send the scab plumber.

McCain Rumored To Be Working His Own Budget
Oh dear God, someone kindly tell him he lost and no one cares. Let me guess what his budget is: no earmarks, tax cuts for the rich, some paen to the working class about how government needs to tighten its belt just like the regular folks do in tough times, and something named after Reagan. I know it's April 1st and all but can the GOP stop releasing so many joke budgets? As we demonstrate here daily, jokes become less funny after you ram them into the ground a few thousand times.

FARC guerillas fail in bid to kill defence minister after spelling mistake
Pobody's nerfect in FARC. I can just imagine the conversation. "You wanted me to kill Jose Rodriguez? I thought you said Jose Bodriguez! DOH!" followed by a comical slap to his forehead, the sad trombone, studio audience laughter, and the sound of gunfire as he's shot to death by a firing squad out back. Actually it's even dumber: they misspelled "policia" on their fake police gear. Boy are they gonna get made fun of in prison.

Luxury Property - The Luxury Real Estate Authority
If you'd like to trainwreck gawk at the misery of the rich there's the Luxury Property Blog. A place where you can see all the hot new foreclosed mega-mansions that are up for sale. Perhaps laugh as some poor baron's castle and mega-yacht are put up for sale. It's OK to laugh, they're rich and thus don't have real human feelings or emotions. Remember to point.

HBO sets drama series in Treme with focus on city's musicians
What's that, David Simon, creator of the Wire and Generation Kill? Writing a new TV show for HBO? About post-Katrina New Orleans? It follows destitute musicians trying to get back on their feet and it stars Bunk and Freamon from the Wire? Sounds like like a typical Simon appointment viewing epic for those of us who get a huge tragedy boner from depressing TV. I'll get my TiVO ready.

B&E: Financial crisis style

G-20 Protesters Break Into Royal Bank Of Scotland

In London thousands of G-20 protesters jammed downtown London on Wednesday and some tried to storm the Bank of England, pelting police with eggs and fruit and rocking the barricades designed to control them.

Demonstrators shouted "Abolish Money!" and clogged streets in the financial district known as "The City" even as Prime Minister Gordon Brown and President Barack Obama held a news conference elsewhere in the British capital.

Protesters had branded the day "Financial Fool's Day" ahead of Thursday's summit of world leaders who are gathering in hopes of resolving the global financial crisis that has lashed nations and workers worldwide.

Oh G20 and G8 protesters you always amuse, what with your hectoring puppets, maceable faces, terrible slogans, and political ideas a college freshman would chortle at. I'm sure the G20 will get right on that abolishing money thing. But then what will your parents use to pay for your air and hotel fare to go to these protests? Hemp? A shitty poem? Listen, you have the same problem as PETA: some laudable ideas surrounded by insane bullshit, methods that make decent people cringe, and tactics that discredit your ideas before you even utter them. Here's a suggestion for the next summit: put the anarchy/abolish all economies/property is theft people at the back, try not to riot at the sight of cops/capitalism, and more serious puppets.

Sarkozy "to save plant" after staff detain bosses

French President Nicolas Sarkozy pledged on Wednesday to save a factory run by U.S. bulldozer maker Caterpillar Inc, where staff angry over layoffs detained four managers for 24 hours.
...
Workers at the Caterpillar plant locked the site's director, head of human resources and two other managers in an office on Tuesday in a bid to force them back into negotiations over redundancy terms, a trade union official said.

A senior police officer negotiated on Tuesday a resumption of talks between unions and management at Caterpillar, but the management were not able to leave and spent the night there.

Calling France cowards is always the go to Z-grade joke for hacks/right wingers/Dennis Miller, but they'll riot at the drop of a hat. This is the third such incident following a office locking of the head of Sony France and shop owners going ape merde on Francois-Henri Pinault. That last one could have just been over the fact that he's a billionaire and nailing Salma Hayek, and not the economy/layoffs. In any event: American workers, I think you've just been handed your blueprint. Don't like the bailouts or your company handing out bonuses to executives and firing you? Take hostages! If you want to really rub some ironic salt in the wound call them financial enemy combatants and claim you're just detaining them.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 2.27

Anti-Scientology...Infomercials?
This is a story of one man. One man and his failed career as a comic, his third rate Kentucky Fried Movie wannabe, a Church of Scientology bankroll, financial ruin and attacks from the CoS, redemption in the form of an absorbent towel, and a ShamWow funded war against Scientology. Vince the ShamWow guy, our personal hero of the day.

Obama Budget Includes Funding Boost for NASA
AstroBase Go! Combined with the stimulus package NASA is getting an extra $2.4 billion to destroy satellites and not build me a moon chateau. On the other hand it makes plans to move away from the shuttle, finish the International Space Station, further non-exploding monitoring of climate change, build a robot that will dent and graffiti Chinese and Russian satellites and spacecraft, and a plan to bury Neil Armstrong's bones on the moon by 2020.

Growing hate groups blame Obama, economy
Ever wondered what marginalized, fringe, racist hate groups are feeling about the economy and President Obama? No, right? Because you can already guess what they're going to say? Yeah, I thought so. Still, for the five of you who would be surprised, CNN went and asked anyway. Turns out they're sympathetic to Obama and the problems he inherited, they just hope that he'll increasing spending on programs for students and people living in rural poor areas, seeing as achievement levels are mostly a result of the poverty level whether in the inner city or the sticks. No, just kidding. They hate his black ass and blame him for everything. Plus there's some analysis on how the economy is going to probably swell their ranks and increase the amount of shit they build into crosses and swastikas and set on fire.

Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden?
Hey, remember that guy who killed 3,000 Americans and then got off scot free? Obama something something? Well it turns out some people are still concerned that he's still breathing and planning attacks with al Qaeda. The people at Foreign Policy magazine have gone to the trouble of bringing us MIT scientist Thomas Gillespie's biogeographic data information and his mathematical model for where bin Laden should be. Unsurprisingly it's on the Afghan/Pakistan border, Kurram province to be specific. The town of Parachinar to be exact. N. 33.901944° E.70.093746° to be precise. Though his map does say there is a 10% change bin Laden is in Japan or France. Anyone up for a look?

Of Atlantis and Anacondas

OMG! Did Google Earth find Atlantis?
When trolling the oceanographical floorography on Google maps an man, purported to be someone with enough time on his hands to look at ocean topography on Google Maps, saw a what appeared to be a gridded network about the size of Wales on the ocean floor just off the coast of Africa. It was immediately apparent what this man saw: ATLANTA ATLANTIS!!!!!!!! Duh! There is no other explanation. Except for the one Google gave about it being sonar remnants from their ocean floor mapping they did for Google Earth 5.0....which they did in grids. Or the fact that Plato's opium induced deranged ramblings scholarly works described Atlantis as a series of concentric circles.

I think we all know what's going on here. Coverup!!!!! Google wants Atlantis to themselves. This is how it all ends, first Google gets Atlantis, then the Bermuda Triangle, then Nessie, then Bigfoot, then they start genetically breeding them and arming them with the retro-futuristic technology of Atlantis and the ships and planes from the BT. Worrying about Skynet is for amateurs. Worry about Google branded Bigfoots in 1942 fighters with laser guns.

Photograph shows 'giant snake' lurking in Borneo river
Thinking of traveling to Indonesia for a nice vacation? Good, I just hope you like getting eaten by hundred foot long snakes with dagger teeth. They caught a photo of the giant beast as it enjoyed a nice swim down the river to eat a village of cute children. The Telegraph isn't sure if it is really a giant snake, perhaps a boat, or even.....a fake, but they are willing to publish it and run it. Inconclusive aerial photography strikes again!! Already the villagers are terrified, dubbing it Nabau, and will be worshiping it imminently.

I just hope this has given you a proper fear of rivers. Oceans are the domain of giant fucking sharks, rivers are the domain of giant fucking water snakes......and also sharks that swim upstream. Christ, here in Pittsburgh, we've got three rivers. There could be three massive snakes patrolling the waters as we speak, dragging yinzers to their deaths. Stay safe, stay vigilant. The snakes can't eat us all.

Presidents' Day Link Rodeo Roundup

Salma Hayek Marries French Billionaire
I bet this is surprising to you as well. I was sure I had a shot at wooing Salma Hayek, she seemed so down to earth. But then she decided to shock us and the world by doing something that rich and beautiful actresses never do: marry an extraordinarily wealthy fashion tycoon. What's the make the score? Millionaires and billionaires 1,102,549 - Normal guys 3? We'll rally in the second half.

Wipeout: Herve Leger Models Fall In Fashion Show
New York fashion week. That means one thing: photos of emaciated Ukranians toppling over on the runway as a result of malnutrition, seven inch heels, and a methamphetamine haze. Huffington Post and the AP do not disappoint.

Venezuela Referendum: Chavez Wins Vote To End Term Limits
Shocking the world, President Hugo Chavez effectively becomes President for life of Venezuela. Gee, this is the sort of thing that always ends so well. I'm sure that this time, and not the other hundred times, will be when becoming dictator President for life doesn't end with oppression, revolution, civil war, and bloody battle through the streets of the capital. I mean statistically it has to happen at some point, right?

Galaxy has 'billions of Earths'
Sending a immediate boner to the groin of every Star Trek Federation nerd or Star Wars Empire freak, scientists decided to go for the gusto and predict that the Milky Way could have up to one hundred billion earth like planets. As to why we seem to have no evidence of any other civilization on said planets, so that we are barred from joining with them into a galactic UN, they have two suggestions. One: these alien sandbaggers have never heard of the Drake equation. Two: God and Jesus made these extra planets empty so we could one day colonize them. Either way, NASA's Kepler mission will go on the hunt for them next year.

What happened today

44

"Sorry 'bout all that misery. Remember, my new house has guards, a moat, and an electric fence. Come and get some if you've got the stones liberals."

Is everything fixed yet? No? Goddammit. Well, at least we got our balls to the wall pomp and a face full of circumstance as Mr. Barry Popularity was allegedly enshrined as our 44th President (more on that later) and the Bush Administration finally ground to a halt. Everyone was there, from your favorite celebrities like Don King and Magic Johnson, Dennis Kucinich and Byron Dorgan, to nearly two million citizens with a high tolerance for freezing temperatures and soul legends wearing head bows that can be seen from outer space. Also there were all the living ex-Presidents and Vice-Presidents, as well as our current VP, one white cat short of full Bond villain resplendence. But what else happened?

• Gay hating evangelical phony Rick Warren made the election and invocation of the first black President in our nation's history somehow come across like an increasingly bizarre pitch to sell you a used Datsun that he swears a little old lady only used once a week to drive to his mega-church.
• Reverend Lowery on the other hand, knows a little something about a benediction, showmanship, color related rhyming, and a little thing called sincerity.
• Obama was actually sworn in today on the Lincoln Bible. Which, oddly enough, is a Koran.
  
• The White House Website got a little makeover. In case you don't want to bother to look, it's essentially Obama's campaign website with the color white replacing blue. Same font and everything. There's even a blog and they even have a fake news brief up about Washington changing.
• Chief Justice John Roberts fucked up the Inaugural Oath. Coincidentally he messed it up in such a way that it was actually the oath you have to take to become Postmaster General. Tragically Obama isn't really President now, but he does have some great ideas on shipping charges and stamps. Remember to put this in your "Crazy Right Wing Crank" file when Rush and Hannity try to claim this somehow invalidates Obama's Presidency along with the birth certificate thing, the Muslim thing, the black thing, and the Democrat thing. Historical fun fact: you don't actually need to take the oath, Obama officially became President the second the clock hit noon.
• The stock market continued to fall into the toilet. This was the first day of trading since Citibank and Bank of America announced their massive losses on Friday. Either that was the cause or everyone on the stock market floor heard a loud noise, got spooked, and decided to sell.
• Sen. Kennedy evidently had a seizure at the luncheon and had to be taken to a hospital. Sen. Byrd also had to be taken out of the luncheon due to his state after seeing his friend collapse. Both are fine and according to Chris Dodd, Kennedy was bitching about having to go to the hospital. In all likelihood both were probably just tired of hearing yet another speech from yet another President about how things were going to change, the American people were behind his agenda, and everyone needed to come together. It was all a ruse and they're both drinking in a bar right now, on their tenth round, bullshitting about whatever it is people who have been in the Senate for 1000 years bullshit about.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.18

After Obama's win, white backlash festers in US
You stay classy white people. The Christian Science Monitor documents some of the 200 hate-related incidents that have sparked up since we done elected a black guy. Included are 4 college students who sprayed racist graffiti, cross burnings, high schoolers who got a visit from the Secret Service after posting inappropriate comments online, and two bloggers who constantly compared Obama to Cyrus from the Warriors. Also referenced in the article is the expected upswing in racist organizations and how groups like Stormfront and the League of the South are experiencing server crashes because of all the new interest. Post-racial? No friends, still racial racial. Hope you didn't get too enamored with the capacity of the South for reason.

The Case Against Hot Pockets
In case you were wondering, the foreign makers of Hot Pockets are laughing at you for eating them. Plus, the stuff they cram into them are just some Danish guy's guesses on based around a stereotypical notion of what fat American idiots eat. The Hot Pockets themselves are probably laughing at you. Everyone's laughing at you. Hooooooot Pock-ets!

Is Obama the Antichrist?
Thanks Newsweek, I really needed you to delve into whether some deranged God humpers really think Barack Obama is the anti-Christ. Thanks for also treating the subject with the same seriousness you would treat a story on a cancer cure. The lottery numbers were 666? You even got serious analysis from Jerry Falwell's Liberty university. That's all the info I need. Crucify him!

Can Mall Be Filled For an Inauguration? 4 Million May Try It.
Some people are expecting that 1% of the American populace will turn out on the Mall in DC to hear Obama give his Hopiest speech ever. 4 million. Well actually, maybe a million will be able to actually see him at the edge of the horizon. 1.5 million will actually be able to perceive his words audibly ("Blessed are the cheesemakers?"). The rest will be standing all the way back in Fredricksburg and Baltimore seeing nothing and hearing nothing, wondering why they didn't just watch it on TV. I know it's historical and all, but you all aren't going to be at the front.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.7

Val Kilmer Mulls Run For Governor
Oh yes Val Kilmer, the notoriously volatile star of the Doors and one of the bad Batman movies is not only BFF with New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, but wants to take over for him when he's done and has received encouragement from Richardson. I don't even know how to respond to this, but I would totally want one of Hollywood's most bizarre actors as my governor. You hear that Jeff Goldblum? Come back to Pittsburgh and unseat Rendell! Brundlegovernor!

How wrong they were
Salon collects up a myriad of quotes and predictions about the election, piles it up, and rubs everyone's nose in it. My favorites? Dick Morris' '05 book "Condi vs. Hillary: The Next Great Presidential Race." now selling for $.20 in the bargain bins. The National Review's K.Lo trying to squash rumors that Obama won PA, then two minutes later having to concede Obama won PA. McCain advisor Charlie Black's November second quote that McCain "...is probably going to win Pennsylvania and Iowa." Or Rush Limbaugh's quote about Obama having been dead in the water since the primaries. Go look through the stupid and pick out your favorite. Remember though, I was right all along. I scrawled 'OBAMA08' into a stone tablet when I was five and it came true.

Rahm Emanuel: Obama's Chief Of Staff
Rahm Emanuel officially agreed to become Hussein X Obama's Chief of Staff. This has already provoked hysterical bitching from right wing commentators saying that Obama reneged on his promise to change the way things work and be bipartisan. He did all this with his first selection. Apparently Obama isn't allowed to hire any Democrats and if he wants to be bipartisan he can't actually want to bring Republicans over to his side or attempt to win any legislative battles with experienced hands who know the players and the terrain. Apparently Obama was supposed to pick some noodle spined lickspittle who would cave in the mere presence of Republicans. His failure to do this means he molested the Statue of Liberty or something. Molested it with a Democratic agenda.

Scientists Turn Tequila into Diamonds
That's right, Mexican scientists have found out a way to create diamond film using 80 proof tequila and heat. This is not a racist joke. No donkeys or sombreros were involved. They hope this will be useful in providing diamond coatings for semiconductors and cutting tools. I'm just mad at this disgraceful wasting of alcohol. Couldn't they use something useless like babies milk or donor blood?

The Department of Defense wants your designs for a collaborative robotic team
That's right, the DOD needs help in designing teams of mechanized horror-bots to track, mutilate, and assimilate fugitive humans. Pack hunting robots specialized for hunting humans. I'm sure this won't result in Skynet going active or possibly...Tek War. You maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!

Cheap Blogging Crutch 10.29

Presidential race in Arizona a toss-up
According to a poll conducted by the Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication at Arizona State University and Eight/KAET "Action NEWS!", Sweet Johnny Mac is only two points up in Arizona and the race there is "too close to call". If you thought you were going to be able to revel in a McCain concession speech, put that on hold. You might just get a depressing night long memorial to the Senator after it's found out he hung himself with his belt in the closet of the Straight Talk Express after the Arizona returns came in.

Top McCain Aides: 'Palin Simply Knew Nothing About National And International Issues'
The McCain camp is beginning to asses the shame and shambles the Palin pick left the campaign in. They seem to think that she only ever left them with the choice of making her look like a "scripted robot or an unscripted ignoramus." Well gee, this seems like the sort of thing, along with the utter lack of or interest in gaining foreign policy knowledge, would have been tremendous red flags during the vetting process. Oh....right....the "not thinking things through or actually vetting her" thing. I'm sorry I brought it up.

Syria Closes U.S. School, Cultural Center Over Raid
In case you didn't hear, we're bombing and raiding Syria and wrecking their shit Cheney-style now. Oh, you forgot about Bushie? He's going to get his third Middle Eastern war if it kills him. Well, not him, just random, indiscriminate Arabs and soldiers. Syria has responded to these raids by....closing a US school and cultural center in Damascus. Ooooh, culture burn, but you do realize this is the Bush Administration here. A school closing is a net plus of these raids, you're going to have to close down a Damascus monster truck rally for them to feel it.

Early Voting Avalanche
Early voting, or "cheating" as some Republicans call it, has been posting record numbers as citizens decide to brave inordinately long lines, waits, and robot abacuses that miscount their votes before the 4th instead of on the 4th. Most states are reporting 2008 EV levels at either at or near 2004 levels earlier this week with some states, like Louisiana, North Carolina and Georgia, reporting almost double the amount of early voters as 2004. Early voting, which is traditionally dominated by Republicans, is of course being dominated by Democrats this go around. Leading the way are African-Americans who are early voting in record numbers. Hmmm, I can't think of a reason why they'd be voting in such large numbers.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 9.22

George W. Bush's Overall Job Approval Matches ARG Low
George Bush's approval rating is 19%, which seems a tad high. The percentage of people who think the economy is going well is 18%. Do you think these people are completely deluded on two counts or just their deluded about Bush and that clouds all the other shit? If you see one in the wild, tag and document him, we need to keep tabs on their migration and breeding patterns. They are endangered.

Dodd bill more aggressive than Treasury plan
Big Daddy Dodd slapped down his alternative bailout plan. Instead of no oversight it has an oversight board with governmental and non-governmental members. Independent investigator general. Instead of just buying bad debt we get equity stakes in the companies. Limits on executive compensation. Plus more, it's 44 pages. Read it. Barney Frank also has a similar plan that involves similar CEO fucking but with more extensive homeowner refinancing and foreclosure mitigation. These are probably going to be the House and Senate versions of the bailout, to be later hashed out in committee.

Bush Backs Unlimited Compensation For Disgraced CEOs: Now Is Not The Time For ‘Punitive Measures’
Bushie is out in force defending the right of halfwit CEO's who wreck their companies and get bailed out by the government to still get a big fat golden parachute and yearly bonus. He calls it "punitive measures" and whines it will be a "disincentive for firms to participate." It's nice to know that even to his last dying, irrelevant, childish, colossal fuck-up, last breath he's still defending the mega-rich. I'm glad you want to die defending this hill, George. I don't have to pretend you learned one damn thing over 8 years.

Stocks Fall on Objections to Rescue Plan
The Dow Jones closed down 372 points. $25 rise in the price of oil. Since oil is performing so well I think there's only one solution for Wall Street: oil backed securities! Smell the money. Oil will always increase in price, just like the housing market. Cha-ching. Economic crisis over.