Broken in Brief: Mystical white stuff bedevils humanity

MID ATLANTIC—“Oh God, what fresh hell is this?” an unnamed civil servant was heard to utter today in a mass conference call between the mayors and city officials of several mid-Atlantic cites plagued by the recent appearance of a cold, white, seemingly ice-like substance that has mysteriously begun falling from the skies over the past week.

“I’ll be jiggered if I know what the fuck any of this cold sky cotton is or what to do about it,” a despondent Washington D.C. mayor Adrian Fenty was heard to scream during the conference call. “Help! Dear sweet God help us, we have never encountered anything like this before!”

“One of my staffers has heard tale about this fabled weather event,” Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl revealed. “I believe it is called snoo or snough, I’m not sure how the pronunciation goes. But it is apparently a real meteorological event and some sort of heathen curse. In some cultures, this schnow is even a frequent weather event that they periodically endure. I can’t imagine such a thing and am without the means to combat this sky menace or perhaps reason with the evil spirit that has conjured it.”

Some of the older staffers soon regaled the assembled group with tales from their elders about methods their forefathers employed in pitched battle with the fluff ice. Some mentioned an ancient custom of salting the white air debris to combat ill omens, while others mentioned horse drawn plows as a means of redistributing the substance.

“Base witchcraft and chicanery,” Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake yelled. “If we drag plows on the streets our asphalt will be marked with deep grooves fit for a planting harvest.”

“We shall be doing none of this,” she finished, the others moving to note their support of her words.

As of press time only prayers and small sacrifices to the Gods are being offered, with few efforts made to clear streets. It is hoped that at the very least the prayers will be enough to stop the deluge until the requisite mystics and alchemists can be summoned to tell local leaders how to handle this unprecedented weather.

It's about to get a lot warmer

If there's a silver lining to our impending governmental foray into climate legislation it's that whatever gets passed won't be some woefully inadequate response to any agreements and goals set at the Copenhagen Conference. How do I know this? Because they aren't going to have an agreement coming out of Copenhagen, because the talks are collapsing. I know that doesn't exactly sound like good news, perhaps I'm explaining it wrong.

Talks to save the planet from catastrophic climate change were on the brink of collapse this morning as officials from the three main blocs – rich countries, major developing economies, and small island states – said they had given up on getting a substantive deal.

Even as 115 world leaders began arriving to put their personal imprint on a deal, the summit hosts were admitting they had failed to broker an agreement.
...
The sense of despair from the Danes comes after nine days of working negotiations which has seen increasing acrimony and distrust between rich countries and poor countries, and industrialised countries and the rapidly emerging economies.

Isn't that always the way? Poor and emerging countries want to grow and not be in so much abject poverty, low lying and equator countries want to not fry and drown to death, and the developed nations want to be able to not take minor political hits, pass complex legislation, and make difficult decisions. It's impossible to weigh one set of goals against the other. At least the developing countries got to keep the Kyoto accords and get US support for a climate fund.

However, China is talking about "no possibility of achieving a detailed accord to tackle global warming", anything the President signs will not be listened to by our Legislative branch, the President of the Maldives has practically resigned himself to the fact that his country will resemble Atlantis soon, African countries are crying out that they're being railroaded and held hostage by countries that provide them aid, and the Danes have shown a perceptible emotion that one could construe as displeasure. So buck up, you may think that your own country is the height of political mismanagement and duty shirking, but it merely pales in comparison to when you gather the entire world together. Feel better?

By the by, you probably should have asked Santa for scuba gear, SPF 10,000 sunblock, and a boat this Christmas. You'll need all of them.

You don't say

I don't want to alarm you too much while you're still groggy from turkey consumption and the elbow you may have taken to the head on Black Friday while you trying to cut in front of some elderly pensioner to get a discounted blu-ray player, but there is shocking news of a revelatory nature to discuss. Yes, it seems that shortsighted planning, bad decisions, and political/military failures have taken a problem in the Middle East and turned it into an even bigger problem that dramatically affected the US and our foreign/military policy years after it took place. This is the first time that has ever happened.

The report asserts that the failure to kill or capture bin Laden at his most vulnerable in December 2001 has had lasting consequences beyond the fate of one man. Bin Laden's escape laid the foundation for today's reinvigorated Afghan insurgency and inflamed the internal strife now endangering Pakistan, it says.
...
"Removing the al-Qaida leader from the battlefield eight years ago would not have eliminated the worldwide extremist threat," the report says. "But the decisions that opened the door for his escape to Pakistan allowed bin Laden to emerge as a potent symbolic figure who continues to attract a steady flow of money and inspire fanatics worldwide. The failure to finish the job represents a lost opportunity that forever altered the course of the conflict in Afghanistan and the future of international terrorism."

The report states categorically that bin Laden was hiding in Tora Bora when the U.S. had the means to mount a rapid assault with several thousand troops at least. It says that a review of existing literature, unclassified government records and interviews with central participants "removes any lingering doubts and makes it clear that Osama bin Laden was within our grasp at Tora Bora."

Well, it's not like we didn't already know that, but it's nice to have a definitive account of how the Bush Administration completely shit the bed on capturing bin Laden by not devoting enough troops to the cause of finding him and then pulling what ones they did have to go to the new war they were starting in Iraq. And what wonders that war did for us all. As a bonus, the report was delivered by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and it's chairman John Kerry, who futilely tried to make that exact point all throughout the 2004 Presidential election he fucked up. He must feel very proud that this gets added to the list of things he was right about five years ago. Ask Al Gore, I'm sure that's almost as good as being President.

So let's see, I think that means that America pretty much fucked up every single thing possible in the aftermath of 9/11. Not only did we gut our laws at home and violate our Constitution, we violated them abroad with our rendition, detention, and torture policies, we started a war in a wrong country, half-assed the war in the correct country to a degree that not only didn't we defeat the Taliban, but we allowed them to regroup, come back stronger, and helped them play a part in trying to destabilize Pakistan. Oh yeah, and we let the guy who masterminded the attacks waltz away, have shown little interest in capturing him, and there's still nothing built where the Twin Towers stood. By "we", I mean "the Bush Administration", but then again, we couldn't even be bothered to pay attention until 2008. Meanwhile, our one attempt to prosecute some of the guys involved in the attacks can't be done without half our country wetting itself over the horrors that will befall us if we follow the laws of our country.

But hey, at least Zacarias Moussaoui is in jail. We didn't fuck that one up. Mark that in the 'Job Well Done' column with.............. uh........................ um........................... yeah.

Oh good, more chaos in the Middle East

Hey remember that part where millions and millions of Iranians went out and voted in what many world leaders, observers, and bloggers were calling a sign of hope for free and fair elections inside Iran and signaled hopes that what was essentially an Islamic theocracy was showing signs of becoming more modern and willing to join the world community? Yeah, that all went pear shaped, didn't it?

I can't believe rigging the vote in the most ham-handed way possible, shutting down methods of communication within Iran, blocking foreign news, putting rival leaders under house arrest, sending in police to beat up protesters, immediately signing off on election results, and ordering people not to protest didn't go off without a hitch. Unpopular coup attempts from an unelected religious theocracy against popular reform leaders usually go so well. Especially when they come at the end of an election that saw massive turnout in favor of that reform. I can't believe the Iranian people didn't buy it. I would have swore picking a random landslide number and saying Ahmadinejad won by that number would have worked. I guess that's a lesson to all you future dictatorships out there, when you nakedly rig an election, say your guy won by 51%, not 67%.

What now? Well suddenly crazy right wing claims of Iran/Israel military conflict don't sound so far fetched. Inside Iran there seems to be not only realization that this whole process was a farce, but real anger, and serious attempts to make sure this fraud isn't allowed to stand. Mir Hossein Mousavi, the man who really won the election, is still alive and seems to be able to organize his supporters into action. In a surprising reversal, Ayatollah Assaholla Khamenei has decided that maybe this whole election rigging for the massively unpopular leader the people are now in the streets rioting against chanting "death to the dictator" thing was a mistake and has ordered an inquiry into the election. Of course the same people who rigged it are probably going to be doing the inquiry, so let's not get too far ahead of ourselves just yet.

Isn't the Middle East great? Just when you thought there wasn't one more way that the place could become crazier and more unstable, Iran rigs an election. Good times. Oh, American TV media? You might want to , I don't know, cover this a little more intensely. It seems important.

Picture of the day - 12.15.08

It appears we have a movement...

Karim Kadim (AP)

Iraqi's thank our President with shoes

"Mr. President, as a thanks for your invasion our country let me present you with a ceremonial pair of shoes, to be thrown in the style of your American baseball game which you love so dear."

An angry citizen heaves footwear at our beloved beleaguered leader during the press conference for his Iraqi victory tour, I guess that's the perfect coda to George's Iraq adventure. Well, short of the shoe clocking him straight between the eyes, then he staggers back and knocks over a five tiered wedding cake. Close enough.

Let me rain on our Obama parade

The grownups are coming

Seriously, isn’t it amazing just how impressive the people being named to key positions in the Obama administration seem? Bye-bye hacks and cronies, hello people who actually know what they’re doing. For a bunch of people who were written off as a permanent minority four years ago, the Democrats look remarkably like the natural governing party these days, with a deep bench of talent.

If I may be permitted to spit into the wind here, isn't that what everyone said about Bush's people too? He had Cheney, Rumsfeld, Wolfowitz, Armitage, O'Neill, Powell, Rice, the Fonz, and all our favorite cartoon friends. It's hard to remember now, but those people used to have sterling reputations, and while clearly right wing, at least heralded some level of competence and respect.

Didn't really work out that way, did it? Now while a lot of Obama's picks and prospective picks look good, if they all decide they're King Shit of Fuck Mountain, decide to engage in every far out whim and notion they ever held about governance, Biden goes off to form his own shadow government, they all start backstabbing and undermining each other from the drop, and Obama sits idly by unable to stop it, then it doesn't really mean anything. Execution is the thing.

Sarahpocalypse

So yeah. At what point does the American populace start to get worried that the VP candidate for the Republican side is a blithering idiot? I can't imagine Sarah Palin could have looked worse unless she broke down crying about all the hard questions. Even then she might have won sympathy points. But she seems unable to express a coherent thought on any issue. What's scarier is that she's allegedly been being briefed and worked with constantly on the issues and how to handle the limited number of questions she's been asked. And she's still horrid. Does she have a learning disability?

It's not as if she's getting hard and unexpected questions either. She's striking out on questions about the financial bailout and Alaska. She can't even name things her running mate has done and tells Couric she'll get back to her later. She can't even correctly articulate the McCain/Palin positions. She's always offering up that she could give specifics, but never can. Perhaps the most embarrassing moment came when she tried to defend that claim she was a foreign policy expert because Russia is close by. She actually claimed that she had significant experience because if Putin (who isn't even President of Russia) decided to nuke America and invade in some direct to DVD sequel to Red Dawn, that the planes and missiles would be flying over Alaska on their way to Real America where the rest of us live. "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where do they go? It's Alaska." What the fuck does that even mean?

Some of the commentary directed towards this interview has been of the "Yeah it was awful, but I almost feel sorry for her" variety. As if her blank faced nonsense in the face of easy questions is almost forgivable because it was Ricky Gervais/Larry David level awkward. Fuck Sarah Palin and her moose in the headlights look. She knew her inexperience, she knew her level of readiness and she still said yes to McCain anyway because “I answered him yes, because I have the confidence in that readiness and knowing that you can’t blink. You have to be wired in a way of being so committed to the mission, the mission that we’re on, reform of this country and victory in the war.” So she said yes because the thing you need is commitment not knowledge or experience. And she could conceivably be President if Cancer-face kicks off. You should be horrified that this is even a possibility.

Am I actually longing for the the eloquence of George W Bush? I think I am. You at least got the sense that there was a cliff-notes version of the issues in his desk somewhere that he was mis-remembering. I'm not sure Sarah even understands the cliff-notes. Next time a reporter asks a question Sarah, dive into the fucking bushes or fake a seizure. It could not go worse than if you answered it. I eagerly await your impending trainwreck with a bewildered Joe Biden and moderator.

Ford figures out you don't want SUV's now

CANYONEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ford to Make Broader Bet on Small Cars.

Showing stunning foresight to the realities of the energy and automotive markets, Ford today announced it's plans to build more small cars, more hybrids, less SUV's, and move in a generally more fuel efficient way. If you ever wondered why American automakers have all the success against foreign automakers that random henchman #7 does against the goddamn Batman, wonder no more. All it took Ford was nearly $16 billion in losses the last two years, the complete decimation of a line (SUV's and pick-up's) that accounted for 60% of sales, and $4 dollar gas to move in a direction that they should have been working on in earnest a decade ago.

8 of Ford's 14 plants are truck/SUV/full size van plants and initial plans are to convert at least three of the eight into car plants. This is pretty much the result of a long marketing strategy that told people they wanted 15 mile a gallon cars instead of listening to them and tying your success to wishes that gas prices would stay low. Ford sales are down 14% already and they want to start getting this news out now before they make the official announcement later when they have to release the assuredly abysmal 2nd quarter numbers. They hope and pray you buy the Focus and the Mercury line or they're out of business.

Slow, sarcastic golf clap for Ford. Welcome to the now, hope you enjoy it here. We don't wear flannel and listen to grunge music anymore. Try and cope.

Afghanistan's going great, why do you ask?

Remember that speech Obama gave yesterday where he mentioned the need to increase our effort in Afghanistan because we really dropped the ball their in our fiasco in Iraq? He wasn't bullshitting.

US troops pull out of Afghan base after attack

U.S. and Afghan troops have abandoned a remote outpost in eastern Afghanistan where militants killed nine American soldiers this week, officials said Wednesday.

Compounding the military setback, insurgents quickly seized the village of Wanat in Nuristan province after driving out the handful of police left behind to defend government offices, Afghan officials said.
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Sunday's attack by some 200 militants armed with machine guns, rocket-propelled grenades and mortars was the deadliest for the U.S. military in Afghanistan in three years. Rebels fought their way into the newly established base, wounding another 15 Americans and suffering heavy casualties of their own, before the defenders and warplanes could drive them back.

The assault underlined how Islamic militants appear to be gaining strength nearly eight years after the ouster of the Taliban, and the difficulties facing foreign and Afghan forces trying to defeat them.

McCain was saying yesterday how we needed another 'surge' in Afghanistan. He then immediately realized the infeasibility of that and came out with a new plan. His plan for that? Getting other countries to willingly join our Iraq fiasco. Yeah, not such a solid plan there John-boy. Everyone in NATO is just dying to put brigades of troops into Iraq so that you can go tidy up the first war you and your collection of dingus touchers failed to win.

Bush even sees what's up. Which either means he accidentally got ahead of the curve, is so far off the curve that he's on it, he accidentally guessed right, he accidentally said Afghanistan when he meant to say something like "I want a hot dog", or things are as unbelievably bad there as is normally required to get Bush to notice and we're the ones who are behind the curve. We're in uncharted territory here.

Thumbs up our asses

A Shortage Of Troops in Afghanistan

The nation's top military officer said yesterday that more U.S. troops are needed in Afghanistan the Pentagon does not have sufficient forces to send because they are committed to the war in Iraq. to tamp down an increasingly violent insurgency, but that

Navy Adm. Michael G. Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, said insurgent Taliban and extremist forces in Afghanistan have become "a very complex problem," one that is tied to the extensive drug trade, a faltering economy and the porous border with Pakistan. Violence in Afghanistan has increased markedly over recent weeks, with June the deadliest month for U.S. troops since the war began in 2001.

"I don't have troops I can reach for, brigades I can reach, to send into Afghanistan until I have a reduced requirement in Iraq," Mullen told reporters at the Pentagon. "Afghanistan has been and remains an economy-of-force campaign, which by definition means we need more forces there."

This is what Iraq costs. We can't fight the actual terrorists because we're presiding over a civil war. We can't even hope to draw down in Iraq and spend the time and effort to destroy al Qaeda and the Taliban in Pakistan until 2011.

The best part is Bush promising something will get done in 2009 and there will be more troops for Afghanistan. Well, way to put your balls on the line George. You'll hopefully be in the early stages of prosecution in 2009, but you definitely won't be in charge. As for more troops, unless you're holding on to a third wish (1st wish: be President, 2nd wish: jam with Skynyrd) we still don't and won't have the numbers to fight either war properly.

About that legacy George...

Amid Policy Disputes, Qaeda Grows in Pakistan

In case you somehow got the idea that things were going well in the war on terror, the New York Times was kind enough today to provide a reality check.

After the Sept. 11 attacks, President Bush committed the nation to a “war on terrorism” and made the destruction of Mr. bin Laden’s network the top priority of his presidency. But it is increasingly clear that the Bush administration will leave office with Al Qaeda having successfully relocated its base from Afghanistan to Pakistan’s tribal areas, where it has rebuilt much of its ability to attack from the region and broadcast its messages to militants across the world.

Though now that I think about it, maybe the Times has been too harsh on Mr. Bush's efforts. George has said he's working really really hard on this terrorism thing and he's a honest, straight shooter. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt and just look at what's supposedly so damaging about this report.

Maybe al Qaeda has reformed in Pakistan, but surely we have all the necessary field agents there tracking them down and putting them on the run.

One reason for this, according to two former intelligence officials directly involved in the Qaeda hunt, was that by 2006 the Iraq war had drained away most of the C.I.A. officers with field experience in the Islamic world. “You had a very finite number” of experienced officers, said one former senior intelligence official. “Those people all went to Iraq. We were all hurting because of Iraq.”

Well we need those CIA officers to, uh, hunt down all those top global al Qaeda guys that are in Iraq. There aren't any, you say? Well.....uh.....who believes what David Petraeus says anyway?

Surely then, we at least have the resources to carry out what strikes and counter-terrorism actions we need in Afghanistan and Pakistan.

Current and former military and intelligence officials said that the war in Iraq consistently diverted resources and high-level attention from the tribal areas. When American military and intelligence officials requested additional Predator drones to survey the tribal areas, they were told no drones were available because they had been sent to Iraq.

Ouch. Maybe what we do isn't so critical, what we really need is for Pakistan and Pervez Musharraf to take the lead. They know the area, they know the people, they know how to solve the problem.

To get Washington’s attention, the commander, Lt. Gen. Karl W. Eikenberry, ordered military officers, Special Operations forces and C.I.A. operatives to assemble a dossier showing Pakistan’s role in allowing militants to establish a haven.

Behind the general’s order was a broader feeling of outrage within the military — at a terrorist war that had been outsourced to an unreliable ally, and at the grim fact that America’s most deadly enemy had become stronger.

But surely that call was a wakeup to all the Bush admi...

When General Eikenberry presented his dossier to several members of Mr. Bush’s cabinet, some inside the State Department and the C.I.A. dismissed the briefing as exaggerated and simplistic.

Ok, that one was kind of a kick to the gut. Uhhhh, let me think for a minute.

Maybe by some sort of voodoo or other types of unholy black magics, we have divined where bin Laden is hiding so we don't need all the field officers, soldiers, equipment, intelligence, or help and co-operation of Pakistan.

But while Mr. Bush vowed early on that Mr. bin Laden would be captured “dead or alive,” the moment in late 2001 when Mr. bin Laden and his followers escaped at Tora Bora was almost certainly the last time the Qaeda leader was in American sights, current and former intelligence officials say. Leading terrorism experts have warned that it is only a matter of time before a major terrorist attack planned in the mountains of Pakistan is carried out on American soil.

Shit.

Liberal.....media......bias? Just remember, if any attack does happen, that's good for Republicans.

“I said, ‘Jesus Christ, John, this is a recipe for disaster,’ ”

"Boy I hope this picture can never be used as some sort of metaphor for our Middle East policy."

President Bush has long maintained that in the long run, history will will vindicate him on Iraq. Well yeah, uh......about that. George, one of the first drafts of history is in.......it.....it isn't pretty. And the Army wrote it.

“We had the wrong assumptions and therefore we had the wrong plan to put into play,” said Gen. William S. Wallace, who led the V Corps during the invasion and currently leads the Army’s Training and Doctrine Command.

Faced with a brewing insurgency and occupation duties that they had not anticipated, Army units were forced to adapt. But organizational decisions made in May and June 2003 complicated that task.

L. Paul Bremer III, who replaced Jay Garner, the retired lieutenant general, as the chief civilian administrator in Iraq, issued decrees to disband the Iraqi Army and ban thousands of former Baath Party members from working for the government, orders that the study asserts caught American field commanders “off guard” and, in their view, “created a pool of disaffected and unemployed Sunni Arabs” that the insurgency could draw on.

Some of General Franks’s moves also appeared divorced from the growing problems in Iraq. Before the fall of Baghdad, Col. Kevin Benson, a planner at the land war command, developed a plan that called for using about 300,000 soldiers to secure postwar Iraq, about twice as many as were deployed.