Broken News: Senate negotiations break down over bill to wish Americans a "good weekend"

WASHINGTON—With the weekend fast approaching and dinner plans and yachting excursions still left to plan, today the Senate suspended negotiations on a proposed non-binding resolution to wish Americans a good weekend.

The resolution, S.417 the Schumer/Wyden Have a Good One, America Act, was initially an attempt by the Senate to show the public that it was not out of touch with their feelings and that, despite decades of proof in legislative form, they did not harbor any ill will toward the citizens of this great nation.

All in all, the bill not only wished Americans “a good weekend”, but also asked them to “stay safe”, “have a fun time”, “try not to drink too much”, to “try to remember to obey the laws of this land”, to maybe get outdoors, go camping or visit a national park, and “have a little fun, you deserve it.” Sadly, all these banal expressions were meant for when this bill was initially introduced: Labor Day. 2008.

“It is my honest belief that these demands to stay safe and obey the laws of this country are a deliberate attempt by this Administration to order the good people of this country to do their bidding for some shadowy socialist purpose,” observed Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN), the ranking minority member of the Senate’s Empty Platitudes and Glad-handing Committee.

He was joined in his opposition by Sen. Richard Shelby (R-AL), himself a member of the Senate’s Committee for Meaningless Timewasting, who decried the legislation's suggestions of vacation destinations as “a chilling incursion into the personal choices and freedoms of all Americans” before vowing to filibuster the bill.

But not all the opposition and debate over the bill came from Republicans, as several Democrats took umbrage with many of the bill’s provisions. Having experienced numerous interactions with the public during health care town halls, West Virginia Senator Jay Rockefeller and Virginia Senator Jim Webb had proposed changing the main premise of the bill to “Go fuck yourselves this weekend, America.”

"I have looked into the dark, dark heart of America," a pale, white, and broken Webb intoned. "These people do not deserve a good weekend."

The Democratic portion of the opposition also attached several riders to the bill. The more noteworthy of these called for government to supply subsidies to help adults attain better reading comprehension skills; empowering citizens to beat with chains anyone suggesting a talk radio pundit or 24 hour news commentator has made a worthwhile point; that senators should be allowed to stomp to jelly the faces of anyone who invokes the phrase "death panels"; and a one-time stimulus aimed at printing several massive posters of a political cartoon in which a man, marked as “the American public”, was bent over a barrel and sodomized by a large cat dressed like the Monopoly guy with “health care industry” written on his top hat.

Sadly, their proposal was rejected on the premise that it was dangerous to point out the truth to the country as well as vocalize any displeasure over their interaction with society’s teabag waving dregs. Others within the caucus have now just grown to oppose the resolution on the basis that many of its suggestions and parameters are hopelessly outdated now that the debate had dragged on into November.

“I’m just worried that if we pass a bill full of references to summer activities, camping, and going outside, we’re going to appear to be out of touch,” observed majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV), who was wary of forcing a vote on this non-binding resolution. “I mean, you tell some poor bastard to visit Yellowstone now and he’ll freeze his ass off. Plus, some of these were clearly suggestions for a three-day weekend, of which there isn’t one for a very long time. We’re just going to look stupid.”

Instead Reid hoped that he would be able to push through the resolutions wishing Americans a “Happy Thanksgiving 1982” as well as a “Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah 1991”.

Some within the Senate felt that a resolution offering to wish Americans a good weekend was just too ambitious a process to undertake at this point in time. Hoping to instead to pass a bill that recognized the fact that there were Americans, but leaving the debate open for whether or not they should be wished a good weekend or even good morning, for another time, perhaps years down the road when more information becomes available.

When asked to comment on the fact that legislation wishing it a good weekend had stalled, America simply sighed, slowly walked over to the liquor cabinet, poured itself a stiff drink, and mournfully drank it while perusing Canadian apartment listings.