GREEN BAY—Today area dog breeder Stephen Walden announced that he was about to undertake an extensive operation to breed hundreds of dogs for the mass consumer market, based entirely on the cleverness of the breed name he thought up.
“It has become apparent to me that Americans are no longer satisfied with mere Labradors and retrievers,” said Walden in his announcement in the local Penny Saver. “No, they must have some breed name that is so cute and frilly and so sugary sweet that in damn near rots your teeth out. I am of course referring to labradoodles, yorkiepoos, schnoodles, poochons, and various and sundry abominations against God. It is in this vein that I would like to announce my newest creation: the Bagel. Orders will be taken at $500 bucks a puppy.”
When contacted for further comment, Walden was quick to admit that the proposed combination, that of the Lord’s two cruel jokes on dog-loving mankind, the basset and the beagle, didn’t sound in the least bit like a good idea. But he noted that in these tough economic times and with some new cutesy named “-oodle” breed cutting into his golden retriever puppy business every week, that simple marketing warranted this new step, creating a horrible new breed be damned.
Walden hopes to have the new dogs ready for sale after the gestational process is completed, “whenever that is”, and anticipates families regretting their purchase and lamenting their trend-based animal buying within a month after taking the dogs home, when the animals begin to exhibit symptoms of a long, painful series of debilitating genetic shortcomings.
Monday, November 9, 2009
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