Broken In Brief: Levi Johnston missing, presumed shot from helicopter

WASILLA, AK--Local police and Alaska State Troopers have promised to think about conducting a half-assed search for national pistachio spokesman Levi Johnston, who has been missing late last week when he conducted a two-part interview with CBS News. At several points in the interview, Johnston asserted that he knows "things that... would get [Mrs Palin] in trouble and could hurt her, will hurt her."

Johnston, who a year ago was slated to be the victim of modern society's most shameless public shotgun wedding, is the father to former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin's grandchild, Tripp. Johnston and Bristol Palin ended their engagement three months after the child's birth.

"Yeah, it's, um, tragic." Said Alaska State Trooper Mitch Conrad, clearing his throat. "We, ah, are marshaling our, um, best investigative team. Combing the tundra and such. With any luck we'll find his body sometime in the spring. Most of the polar bears have drowned and all the wolves have been taken care of much in the same manner we're assuming Levi was, so I'm betting the corpse will be relatively intact."

Asked why he assumed Johnston was, in fact, dead, Conrad explained, "If you knew how accurate that chipper bitch was with a .50 cal, even hanging out the side of a helicopter, you wouldn't be asking that question."