Picture of the day

I know we here at These Bastards are accused of spending too much time talking about NASA's Fermi Gamma Ray Space Telescope. But, I'll be damned if it isn't the most interesting thing on the planet. For instance, take the above photo. What is it you, say? Oh nothing, JUST A MOTHERFUCKING PICTURE OF FUCKING SPACE-TIME! Yeah, it's a map of the extreme universe made from collecting gamma ray burst data for over a year.

Now while that is cool, there were several unfortunate side effects. First, was all the talk and study of gamma rays led a group of unfunny scientists to make one too many Hulk jokes and "don't make me angry, you wouldn't like me when I'm angry" references. The data also provided that uppity son of a bitch Einstein with more reasons for his dead ass to think he's so great.

Einstein also got a shot in the arm by confirming the scientist's theories of space-time.

Gamma rays represent the highest-energy form of light in the universe, and often emerge from sources such as massive black holes that spew out fast jets of matter. One particular event known as a short gamma ray burst confirmed Einstein's view that radio waves, infrared, visible light, X-rays and gamma rays all travel at the same speed through space.

Well la-di-daa Mr. Einstein, looks like you'll finally start to get some respect in the astrophysics field. Also: we might be one step closer to creating gamma irradiated scientists that change into giant green monsters when you make them angry. Sounds like a double win for science.

The bearer of bad news

Heartless killjoy and Nobel prize winning economist Paul Krugman is here to douse water on your dreams of a post-apocalyptic society brought on by an economic crash. That's not to say it couldn't still happen, Nouriel Roubini still thinks it could, and there's always the chance of some Porcine AIDS-based the Stand type scenario, some sort of teabagger type political uprising, a natural disaster catastrophe, hell filling up and the dead walking the earth, or the Mayan 2012 scenario could happen. But the numbers are the numbers, the trends are the trends, and it looks like we are no longer headed towards a Great Depression, economic collapse, or destabilized world economy. Whither the hobo council of elders?

Let Mr. Big Shit Nobel explain:

Basically, we started out with a year that matched the Great Depression, but have since pulled back a bit from the edge of the abyss.

Wonderful. Great, now we'll have to stop hoarding water and canned goods, practicing our hand to hand combat and survival skills, stockpiling weapons and copies of the Turner Diaries, and attempt to find jobs. Of course we won't find any and around 10% of us will be forced into a cardboard box 'neath the underpass. Oh sure, we'll be living the hobo lifestyle, but with out any of the prestige or power that the global financial apocalypse would have provided us with.

So sorry to bear this bad news for all you apocalypse fetishists, but it seems we're in a recovery. A jobless recovery, but a recovery nonetheless. The pillars of power, government, and society will stay intact, civil war will not break out, and you will not have to kill Garret Dillahunt because he wants to eat your son.

....fuckin' Paul Krugman.

Chart of the day

Because it's a slow news day for anyone who doesn't want to obsess over the governorship of states they don't live in, we'll look at this interesting chart from Wired Science. It's based around a recent study done in New Zealand that tried to calculate the ecological footprints of our pets. Why? Because eco-snobs need something else to sneer at. Plus, after society collapses large dogs are going to be the new SUV's, compact terriers are going to be the new hybrids, and we'll all cry ourselves to sleep at night, so it's best to figure out classifications and carbon footprints now.

What they did find out is that we use 294 thousand square miles of land to feed our pets in America, roughly bigger than the size of Texas. Now I know what you're saying, "Hey, we've finally found a use for Texas", but it isn't that simple. Since our elected betters, when they aren't busy humping a pile of coal or denying global warming's existence, have recently taken to knocking solar power because of the land it uses, Wired decided to measure how much land it would take to solve all of the United States' power needs using solar. The answer is 16,602 square miles of desert land, or 17 times less land than we use for pet food.

Now I'm sure to the Natalie Portmans of the world, this just means we should burn our dogs for fuel instead of eating them. But I won't eat or burn my dog, Natalie, no matter how hot you are! But this, like the fact that we don't bat an eyelash on spending $680 billion a year on defense (without even factoring in our wars) but have a problem with $90 billion a year for health care, kind of puts a strange face on where Americans place their priorities. Now plow up that solar array, hippie, I'm buying two St. Bernard's.

Your morning election round-up

Fatty Fat the Monty Python thief squeaked out a win against the deeply unpopular Jon Corzine for the Governorship of New Jersey. In the Virginia Governor's race, some Republican guy beat some unpopular Democrat who thought it would be a great idea to run against all the stuff Democratic voters like. What does all this mean? Largely nothing. Sorry, excuse me for a second, what I meant to say is THIS MEANS EVERYTHING AND WAS A DRAMATIC REFERENDUM ON OBAMA! Except that it wasn't. But what this does mean is that Republicans are back and look out everyone and hubba hubba hubba money money money, happy days are here again, the death of socialism has been signaled, strike a Heisman pose. Except that it isn't.

So that's that for all the mega important governor's races that were all about Barry, except for the parts where they were all about local politics. Did anything else happen? Why yes, Mayor Billionaire, despite outspending his opponent, the Honorable whoever he was, 20-1 to keep his grips on the reins of New York City, barely squeaked one out against that guy he was allegedly running against, who I'm sure dozens of people could name offhand. Also: Maine hates gays.

Well, I guess that's it. I don't think there were any other races that would have actual national significance in terms of passing laws or doing stuff. Well, I guess there was that House race in California where one of those odious Blue Dog Democrats was replaced by a progressive. Then there was that House race in New York where the preferred candidate of Palin and every nutbag right winger in existence, the creepy looking, Glenn Beck mentored Doug Hoffman, lost a district to a public option supporting liberal that hadn't gone to the Democrats since Ulysses S. Grant was destroying his liver with rot gut. Well done, right wing media establishment! You can't get a conservative elected! So let me see if I have this right......the House got more liberal? Let's clearly not mention this again.

No, the night was a story of how the rotten Obama, drunk off his Muslim ass with all the liberal policies he hasn't gotten passed, got told by the low turnout defeats of two unpopular men who were expected to lose their Governor's races. The Republican party is back! Just not in a way that can effect actual voting on national issues. Thankfully, they still have Joe Lieberman to help them out there.

This explains everything

via No Happy Medium

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.03

Palinoia
Matt Taibbi gets out his long knives for Sarah Palin in story he wrote over the summer but never published, during her whole resignation embarrassment. I don't know why he didn't publish it. It has great discussions on gems like the "campaign trail version of Mommie Dearest" she put the McCain camp through, the through line of "nutty-ass paranoid behavior" that permeates everything she does, as well as her political supporters to seem to rally behind her because it "validates [their] insane sense of fucked-overness". Worth a read, if only to remind yourself that she's never going to go away and there's still a large chunk of people who want to hand her power.

How Goldman secretly bet on the U.S. housing crash
McClatchy news joins the "bludgeon everyone at Goldman-Sachs with a truncheon" bandwagon with Matt Taibbi as they start up an rather exhaustive series on how our economic betters at G/S have looted government, bet against the country, manipulated markets, and screwed everyone everywhere over for copious amounts of cash. Click on the sidebar for a full rundown. It misses Taibbi's outraged fury, but more than delivers in jaw dropping detail. McClatchy runs a pretty good news operation, shame he couldn't run a baseball team. Ah well Kev, this, and your reporting on Iraq and the war on terror more than make up for running the Buccos into the ground. All is forgiven. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm still fucking pissed off about the Pirates. Fuck you, McClatchy!

Racial disparity: All active ethics probes focus on black lawmakers
Whoops! I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Nice to see that no matter how high up you get in this country, the justice system still works the same way. I'm sure that it's just that there aren't any white crooks that have been elected. As Rod Blagojevich, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Larry Craig, Tom Delay, Jim Traficant, and George Bush have taught us: it's the black politicians you have to watch out for.

Second Circuit Affirms Dismissal of Arar
Something you probably won't hear too much about today and tomorrow as our press decides whether Republicans winning in historically Republican states and districts means that Obama should resign immediately or take two weeks off and then resign: the fact that a US court said it's OK for the US to illegally detain, render to a foreign country, and brutally torture an obviously innocent man without evidence as long as a.) government swears their complete violation of the law was totally for national security purposes, b.) prosecuting the crimes would force a court to scrutinize the effectiveness and legality of government programs and the high level officials that made them and c.) the victim cannot complete the bizarre and completely impossible legal hurdles the court places in front of him. This is the country we live in, America. Be proud.

Omnibusted
On the anniversary of their admittance to the union, The Edge of the American West looks at how the Dakotas and other mountain territories became states. In case you were wondering how states with more sheep than people get two senators with which to fuck over states that actually have people in them, the simple answer is corruption, fear of polygamist Mormons, racism towards brown people, and a desire by Republicans to pack the Senate with more Republicans. So just in case anyone tries to tell you otherwise, the Senate was never a place of congenial good, there was never a "better time" in its history, it was always an awful, stupid and corrupt place. Happy birthday Dakotas!

Quote of the Day

Paint huffing world champion Michelle Bachmann has upped the ante on her eternal struggle against the socialists, organizing a gathering of tea baggers so massive it will make MLK's civil rights marches looks like last week's meeting of the Detroit Lions fan club. Listen to her promote it:

Rep. Michele Bachmann took to Fox this morning to promote her tea party rally this week, calling it the "Super Bowl of freedom."
...
"The only way they're going to listen is if real freedom-loving Americans come here to Washington noon on Thursday, look at the whites of the eyes of their members of Congress and say, 'Don't you remember, I told you don't take away my health care,'" she said

Ok, these are almost assuredly people that don't have health care or have bad health care going to protest attempts to make their situation better after they protested...Obama keeping their taxes the same or cutting their taxes. We'll....we'll just let that one slide.

No, what I'm outraged about is calling this thing the "Super Bowl of Freedom." Oh no you don't, Minnesota's shame, the Super Bowl is the Super Bowl of Freedom! Can you name me any other event that so universally encapsulates the United States of Freemerica's values of capitalism, consumerism, sports, violence, commercialism, violence, sitting motionless in front of the TV, and capitalism more than the Super Bowl? If there is one, it sure as shit isn't teabag clad birth certificate experts enraged over the fact they might be able to finally afford health care.

Apologize to the NFL, Michelle, you made Brett Favre cry.

Picture of the day

via the Bad Astronomy blog and NASA's Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter (the one they didn't smash into the moon) comes a look at the landing site of Apollo 17. In it you can see the flag, module, rover, and various and sundry footprints of the last men on the moon.

Why was it the last manned mission to the moon? Because if you look closely you can see the flayed meat piles of bone and flesh that used to be Gene Cernan, Ron Evans, and Harry Schmitt. Sadly they were killed and their skin was stolen and worn by alien reploids who live on the moon. Thankfully NASA scientists realized the deception and fought and killed the three imposters upon their return. This is why we can never return to the moon and also why we started Moon War.

Just kidding, the entire moon landings were a hoax. Viewing these photos is submitting to the government's continued moon landing propaganda.

Chart of the day

Via Ezra Klein at the Washington Post comes something Klein learned from a talk with Kaiser Permanente CEO George Halvorson. In it he received a bunch of charts from the International Federation of Health Plans that actually compared health care prices between countries. The long and short of it? We pay more because we choose to pay more on every unit of health care there is. If were to pay Canadian prices, we'd cut health care costs by 50%. If we were to pay Medicare prices (you'll note those are represented by the 'USA low-end' part of the charts) we'd drastically cut costs.

The end result? Well, basically we just had a health care debate and health care bill that failed to seriously address price differentials and cost controls. In other words, more specifically in the words of George Halvorson, "A health-care debate in this country that isn't aware of the price differential is not an informed debate." But you already knew we didn't have an informed debate, didn't you?

Get fucked, happy people

Finally, an explanation for why despite a decade-long chemical campaign against healthy brain function, one that has yielded a multitude of events which would best be forgotten, I can still readily recall virtually every petty, inconsequential event that has transpired since my birth.

SYDNEY (Reuters Life!) - Bad moods can actually be good for you, with an Australian study finding that being sad make people less gullible, improves their ability to judge others and also boosts memory.

The grand irony here is that news of this puts me in a good mood, one compounded by the knowledge that the pleasantness won't last and the bad mood will return... which pleases me. Yet I'm troubled by all of this sudden optimism and-- fuck it, I need to lie down. In a bar.

What does England know anyway?

When governments around the world had to bail out and take control of all the banks that were failing, some naively thought that one of the problems inherent in that solution was that the banks and financial institutions that were saved fell into that troublesome "too big to fail" category and that something further needed to be done. What morons. Because we're America and we know better, we decided we needed more "too big to fail" financial giants, or at least the same number as before. The dumber countries (read: everywhere) decided they needed less. Like England, for example.

The British government -- spurred on by European regulators -- is forcing the Royal Bank of Scotland, Lloyds Banking Group and Northern Rock to sell off parts of their operations. The Europeans are calling for more and smaller banks to increase competition and eliminate the threat posed by banks so large that they must be rescued by taxpayers, no matter how they conducted their business, in order to avoid damaging the global financial system.

The move to downsize some of Britain's largest banks comes as U.S. politicians are debating whether American banks should also be required to shrink. The Obama administration has maintained that large banks should be preserved because they play an important role in the economy and that taxpayers instead should be protected by creating a new system for liquidating large banks that run into problems. But Britain's decision already is being cited by a growing chorus of experts, including prominent bankers and economists, who want the United States to pursue a similar approach.

Pussies! Thank God we're so large that we can probably still counter their nonsense and financially drag them down with us again when the time comes. I think the problem here is that UK banks lost so much money that they just didn't have enough left to make campaign contributions to British lawmakers and hire enough lobbyists to prevent meaningful legislative action. Thankfully we don't have that problem here. Hell, the people in charge of US creation, enforcement, and oversight of these regulations all worked in the financial sector (read: Goldman-Sachs), so they don't even need to be lobbied all that hard.

No no, the clear and intelligent path here is not to do anything to prevent stuff like the complete financial collapse of the world from happening. What we need to do is to make laws to expedite the clean-up and rebuilding period after our next inevitable destruction. Even what laws we do have need to be needlessly weakened for little understandable benefit. If you're out trying to prevent something you're just contributing negative energy, what with your continued whining about what bad things are going to happen and obvious, soon to be bursting bubbles on the horizon. No the best solution is to keep everything the same, but streamline the ascension of the post-financial apocalypse hobo hierarchy.

England...I just don't get why you're doing this. I mean when the next global crisis hits, oh...next year probably, and you're relatively unscathed because of extensive preventative measure you've decided to undertake, well, then you're just fucked. Because when we learn of your relative idyllyc existence (you know: one without the brutal hand to hand combat of the Thunderdome, backbiting shantytown politics, and the daily fights for canned goods) we're just going to pile into our dilapidated boats, arm ourselves with guns and spears, and come subjugate you in a manner befitting our new brutal existence. And your people won't be ready for it...because you made sure they avoided total societal collapse. Now who wishes they didn't break up "too big to fail" banks and pass sensible laws? Not the Hobo Council of Elders or the New Flesh Reaver Militia, that's who. We're going to crush you so hard.

Your morning reminder of the crushing stupidity of the health care debate

We've heard lots of reasons for why we shouldn't pass any type of health care reform: Joe Lieberman's feelings are hurt, it'll eat all the money the financial sector hasn't already eaten, SOCIALISM~!, COMMUNISM~!, because Americans prefer their shitty health care system, or because it will result in our Muslim President ordering the mass deaths of everyone's favorite grandma or great aunt. But it's rare when we see a political hack just open up and admit the naked political calculation behind desperately trying to block a bill. Orrin Hatch (R-UT) is just that kind of hack.

"And if they get there, of course, you're going to have a very rough time having a two-party system in this country, because almost everybody's going to say, 'All we ever were, all we ever are, all we ever hope to be depends on the Democratic Party,' " Hatch said during an interview with the conservative CNSNews.com.

"That's their goal," Hatch added. "That's what keeps Democrats in power."
...
"Do I believe they're that diabolical? I don't believe most of them are, but I think some of them are," Hatch said. "Maybe diabolical's too harsh of a word, but the fact is, they really, really believe in socialized medicine."

That's right, we can't do a reform of health care or include a public option because people will like it too much, will be grateful, will vote for Democrats on the basis that they passed it, and vote against Republicans just because they opposed its entire creation and worked actively to kill it. Well, I have to say that's clearly a concern. I mean who would want to vote for a plan that people would like? This whole popularity/voting problem is even more of a problem than Ben Nelson's fears that a public option would be too beneficial and win any competition against private insurance. Thankfully our elected betters exist to protect us from things they know we'd like and would work to reduce health care costs and make health care more available.

Just one last thing Orrin: the Democrats don't really believe in socialized medicine, or even really, really believe in it. If they did they wouldn't be trying to pass some ultra-watered down, half-assed public option that will almost invariably now be taken out of the bill. No, they'd be trying to pass the thing that would actually massively reduce health care costs and cover everyone: single payer health care. But after Medicare and Medicaid reduced costs for its users, proved to be the two most popular health plans in the country, and covered people fully, Government learned better than to try that horrific fiasco again. So keep on protecting us from things we'd like and things that would make life better and easier for us, otherwise we might just like and vote for the people that do pass it. Orrin, I can't believe you were actually in the Senate Finance Committee health care negotiations. Great call, Max.

Tragedy

Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Headline of the day

American Wins New York Marathon

For the first time since 1982, an American has won the New York City Marathon. By which I mean an Eritrean immigrant who became an American citizen has won the New York Marathon. Good work Mr. Keflezighi, the US does not regret expediting your citizenship for the purpose of Kenyan shaming. In fact, if you know of any fast guys who can help us shame electric named Jamaicans, send 'em over.

This is America, we buy our champions. [insert Yankees joke here]

What's that, Africa? Yeah, it's the return of "We got yo runners!"

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.02

Pa. high court tosses 'tainted' juvenile cases
Thankfully for the basic tenets of justice, the courts tossed thousands of juvenile cases that were tainted by a kickback scheme that ultimately resulted in a crooked judge sending kids to a for profit detention center in return for bribes. Have to hand it to Judge Ciavarella, throwing people in jail for money is a step up. Usually people just get tossed in on the basis of race, religious, social, or economic status. You free marketed the shit out of legal malfeasance.

Car maker develops its own flower species
Now the Japanese are rubbing our noses in it. Not just content to beat our heads in over the regular car and hybrid markets, now they're making special flowers that absorb nitrogen oxides and take heat out of the atmosphere. When fully grown one of these flowers can actually flip the bird in the correct geographical direction of Detroit while it wipes its own ass with GM stock. Progress, it's a beautiful thing

'Torture flight' plane spotted in Birmingham
The European Parliament is up in arms because of the reemergence of the infamous CIA torture/extraordinary rendition/"frat house hazing" plane that jetted terrorist suspects all over the world to CIA black sites during a refueling in Birmingham and a meeting with British SAS forces. Lest you think that this means Obama is somehow reneging on yet another one of his war on terror campaign promises and that this is not "change we can believe in", know this: that plane used to refuel in Leeds. Now who feels silly? You, that's who.

Ford Posts an Unexpected Profit of $997 Million
Look at that, another quarter, another massive loss by the car indust...wait, what the fuck? Almost a billion in profit? Did Ford find some Nazi gold Harry buried out behind the headquarters? rich uncle die or something? *gasp*...is an American car company being....run intelligently? Sources cite the cash for clunkers program as well as an extensive and intensive 17 hour surgery that removed many of the executives' heads from their collective asses. Ford hopes to make a full year profit by 2011, at which time the sheer unlikelihood of an American car company running itself well will cause the universe to collapse in on itself.

Obama Strategy on Health Legislation Appears to Pay Off
Yup, that's right. According to the NY Times, Obama's strategy is paying off. What strategy is that, you might ask? I have no clue. Because to me it looked like they dicked around for months, fobbed off decision making and power to the legislative bodies, made sure that the "moderates" had the power, needlessly courted Republicans they knew would not support the bill in any shape or form, hamstrung progressive, kneecapped the public option, publicly tried to oppose measures that were not only popular within the caucus and the American public but had been campaigned on by the President himself, then no legislative pressure or arm twisting was applied, Harry Reid was told to basically go it on his own, the White House still fought against even the milquetoast weak public option that remained in the Senate bill, and now Joe Lieberman is threatening to blow up the whole thing unless the weak bill is made even weaker and more ineffective after Obama saved his ass within the caucus and lobbied for him to keep his Senate committee chair. Yeah....looks like that "strategy" really paid off. Note to Rahm or Axelrod or whoever ghostwrote that article: I wouldn't be too eager to claim credit for what just happened and what's about to happen.

Broken In Brief: Sports pretty sure it can cram juuuust a few more boner pill ads into game broadcasts

NEW YORK—Today spokesmen for Sports came together to announce that after a preliminary analysis of game broadcasts, it’s pretty sure they can cram in more ads for the wide variety of pills prescribed for erectile dysfunction.

“I know it doesn’t seem like we could get one more Cialis ad in there, but rest assured: we can,” announced a triumphant Sam Bay, press liaison for Sports. “Right now the plan is to either split screens and show two ads at once or possibly combine ads, maybe selling beer or trucks that make your cock rock-hard.”

While Sports had yet to fully conceive of a final plan, they hoped to have some preliminary breakthroughs shown to the American public during the World Series and NASCAR Cup Chase and perfected in time for the NFL playoffs.

In all they hoped that this breakthrough would finally help the sporting industry achieve its goal of turning national pastimes and treasured sporting events into awkward, hushed experiences shared between fathers and sons as conversations about zone coverage and the infield fly rule fade into uncomfortable, sideways glance-filled silences as 50 year old men appear on the TV to deliver long soliloquies about their penises not working properly and the dangers of 4 hour erections.

“Fine, whatever, I’ll take what I can get,” observed long time sports fan Dave McMurphy, who himself had to sit through an excruciating block of boner pill ads in the presence of his father and mother while watching game four of the World Series last night. “Just as long as I don’t have to hear those ‘This is ouuuuur couuuuuuuntry’ ads again. They almost drove me to kill a man during the AFC Championship last year. I'll take weird sexual tension with the people who sired me over 25-to-life any day of the week.”

Animated .gif of the day

Don't get it? You mean you didn't read this?

"A former Rodriguez fling remembers seeing portraits of the slugger, 34, as a centaur hanging over his bed.

"He was so vain," his ex tells Us Weekly. "He had not one, but two painted portraits of himself as a centaur. You know, the half man, half horse figure?"

Adds the ex, "It was ridiculous."

How much do we have to pay to get a maid, nanny, doorman, gardener or whoever to get us photos of those two paintings? Sean and I are willing to chip in both for the bribing of said person and for their inevitable legal defense. Centaurs....

Quote of the Day

Joe Lieberman (Scum Fuck-CT), moving beyond merely lying about the public option and health care reform to openly advocating for you to heap your loathing and disdain on him as well as begging you to test out any type of voodoo doll on him.

BOB SCHIEFFER: But is what you're also saying is that nothing is better than a government health insurance or a gov- health insurance reform that includes a public option. Nothing is better than that?

SENATOR JOE LIEBERMAN: Well, the truth is that nothing is better than that because I- I think we ought to follow, if I may, the- the doctors' oath here. In Congress says we deal with health care reform, do no harm.

I don't know Joe, I think maybe to the 45,000 people each year who die because of a lack of health care, nothing isn't really a great option, though they do appreciate how relevant you now feel. To the countless thousands who are bankrupted each year because of medical costs, I'm sure that the option of doing nothing isn't that great either, thought they do really sympathize with just how sandy your vagina is after Ned Lamont beat you in the Democratic primary way back when.

But not content to merely play with people's lives because he wasn't getting enough media attention, Joe decided that he wanted to up the ante and blame everyone else for forcing him to join with Republicans to filibuster health reform.

SENATOR JOE LIEBERMAN: Yeah, but I'd say to the people who are all of a sudden making the public option a government health insurance company, the litmus test here, they're stopping us from getting something done.
...
I'd say to them, don't stop us from getting something important and good done for the Americans.

Joe, when around 57-59 Senators are all in agreement about a public option, they aren't the ones holding things back and stopping things from getting done. I know around 60% of the populace would like a public option too, but you've already explained that: we're not as smart as you, the man who doesn't understand anything he's actually saying about health care.

I'll say this for Joe, he may be a contemptible, back stabbing, self important, third rate liar, but he lets you know just how badly he wants to fuck you over and lets you know where he stands. Even if it is the opposite of where he used to stand.

Picture of the day

The Big Picture blog gives us a look at NASA's Ares I-X rocket from its humble beginnings, to its successful launch last week, to its future as being the next dramatically underfunded and underutilized arm of our space exploration program.

Video of the day

Oh the humanity! A drunk Moscow forklift operator smashes his forklift into the shelves of the vodka and cognac storeroom, destroying over $150,000 worth of precious, precious life juice. I'd ask you to pour a little out in honor of our lost brethren, but too many have already given their lives needlessly. Instead, just drink one in their honor.

Incidentally, $150,000 worth of vodka is enough to keep one Russian liquor store adequately stocked for the 3:00-3:15 late-lunch crowd, so this didn't disrupt the supply in any meaningful way.

Elections, Afghanistan style

What's the best way to win an election? Rig it. But what if dirty foreigners have already found out you rigged it and are making you follow your own Constitutional laws by having a second round? Run un-opposed. Works for Hamid Karzai.

Afghan officials on Monday canceled plans for a runoff presidential vote, declaring President Hamid Karzai the winner after the withdrawal on Sunday of his last remaining challenger, Abdullah Abdullah.

The announcement capped a fraught election widely depicted as deeply flawed by corruption and voting irregularities.

Azizullah Ludin, the chairman of Afghanistan’s Independent Election Commission, said the Constitution did not require a runoff and the second-round vote had been canceled after Mr. Abdullah’s announcement that he was dropping out of the race.

And so begins another term for the man charmingly called a "Weak Partner in Time of War". Why did Abdullah Abdullah drop out? Some combination of wanting to spare Afghans the election costs and insurgent attack risks inherent in a second round of elections, an offer from the CIA of big time money like Karzai's brother gets, the emergence of a pesky red laser dot that appeared on his chest last week and kept moving from his heart to between his eyes an back to his heart over and over again, and a desire not to fall victim to another election rigging on the "rig an election once, shame on you; rig an election twice, shame on me" principle.

Finally, now that Karzai has "won", we can get down to the business of sending our last remaining troops there to start Operation Our Bad, We Really Should Have Done This Stuff Eight Years Ago, Better Late Than Never, Right? But don't worry, Afghanistan's, shall we say, contentious history with occupying forces, combined with the fact that it took us nearly eight years of bombing runs and fighting to actually conceive of a strategy, widespread corruption in the Karzai government, their drug trade economy and drug lord power hierarchy, combined with the fact that we still know little to nothing about the politics and people of the area will all be figured out....by dicking around there for another six months or so. Well, at least we've got those pesky election questions out of the way. That'll probably fix most of it.

I fart in New Jersey's general direction

With a disinterested populace set to go out tomorrow and vote in record lows, our attention moves to the New Jersey Governors race between Jon Corzine and Chris Christie, which has been accused of degrading the human spirit. First it was just a typical race between two deeply unlikable men, squabbling for political power. But soon things got classy as, in the face of flagging poll numbers, the incumbent Corzine was all like "Yo momma ain't the fat one, you the fat one, fatty" and then Christie was all like "Call me fat again, bitch. Call me fat again, you bald bitch" and a Governor's race in America was contested on a platform of fat jokes and subsidies for more Kevin Smith Jersey movies.

But now, as voters get ready to trudge to the polls, look at both names, sigh mournfully, and ask an election worker if they actually have to pick one of them, comes something that truly offends everyone: Chris Christie ripped off a Monty Python sketch for one of his political ads. That son of a bitch!

Chris Christie, the Republican candidate for Governor of New Jersey in Tuesday's knife-edge gubernatorial election, has been called out as a copyright thief.
...
The official campaign advert -- titled "Deja Vu" -- attacks incumbent New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine by using scenes from a famous skit on the "Monty Python's Flying Circus" TV show that features Michael Palin. The ad is on Christie's official YouTube campaign site, and has already aired on national TV.

But neither Christie -- a lawyer for 22 years -- nor anyone in his campaign bothered to seek any permission for using the copyrighted material in his election spot.

Now this is something to get outraged about and decide an election over: ripping off the Deja Vu sketch. He doesn't even do it in a good way either, he just runs the beginning of the sketch with lame text attacks about Corzine underneath. It looks like it was put together in a high school A/V class. But it has done one positive thing: it has allowed Monty Python members Michael Palin and Terry Jones to inject themselves into the race, threaten lawsuits, and take easy potshots at Christie's former status as a Karl Rove recommended, George Bush appointed US attorney (something that should have had him disqualified from the race almost immediately).

"I'm surprised that a former U.S. Attorney isn't aware of his copyright infringement when he uses our material without permission. He's clearly made a terrible mistake. It was the endorsement of Sarah Palin he was after -- not that of Michael Palin."
...
"It is totally outrageous that a former US Attorney knows so little about the law that he thinks he can rip off people. On the other hand -- another of Bush's legal appointees was Alberto Gonzales and he didn't seem to know much about the law either...," Jones said.

So to any of our readers who are living in Jersey, don't vote for Chris Christie. Not because he's an awful candidate or because you think Jon Corzine resembles a human, no, because Christie has affronted the comedy Gods in an illegal and, most importantly, unfunny way. Also, because he's a fatty fat fat fat. At least he didn't rip off the Argument Clinic Sketch.

NYC Mayoral "race" art

As New Yorkers prepare to reaffirm their King vote for their preferred mayoral candidate tomorrow, I think it appropriate to point out certain similarities between the media campaigns of two very unfunny people....


As you were.

It's a deal, it's a steal

In this economy and with the cash for clunkers program having ended, one might find it hard to procure a vehicle to drive oneself for your daily trips to the bar and weekly trips to the unemployment office. But thankfully eBay and the City of Proctor, Minnesota have come forward to help you out. What if I told you you could have a vehicle with comfort, the green power of an electric motor, and a top speed of 40 MPH all for the low, low price of $39,310...so far. Doesn't sound great, does it? What if I told you it was used in a crime and was being auctioned by the police? No, still not worth 40 g's? Oh yeah, it's also a motorized La-Z-Boy. Now have I got your attention?

Vehicle Description
Known as the world famous DWI Motorized La-Z-Boy style Chair, year built unknown. This is a unique vehicle located in Proctor Minnesota. The vehicle has been obtained from a DWI forfeiture and has not been restored. Engine: Briggs and Stratton Model # 19070 Type: 5641 with electric start. Transmission type unknown and is sloppy. The vehicle has front lights, rear tag light, radio, cup holder, rear roll bars and other custom options, missing the seat cushion. Curb weight of vehicle is unknown, length is 52” and width is 45”. This is a great parade vehicle or a terrific business draw. Be the only one in town with a unique vehicle like this. This is not a street legal vehicle.

Q: Would you know if this chair could beat a Segway in the 1/4 mile ? My best friend is a Mall Cop and says that his Segway can spank this Chair in the 1/4 ... I intend to bid to win.
A: Was told it could reach close to 40 mph. It also has a wheelie bar in the rear for poppin wheelies. Unknown what max speed is and we will not be running any test runs.

Auction is only open for a little while longer, so if you want it you'll have to act fast...you're going against a guy who's bidding to win!

Costume of the weekend

I don't know what you dressed up as yesterday (a sexy cat, George Washington, George Washington dressed as a sexy cat), but chances are it wasn't as cool as this guy


Not only was he Cthulhu....he was Cthulhu with a crocheted ski mask. He wins the internet and Halloween. His costume was also better than the one you're wearing today: that of a drunk and hungover barely human wretch filled with self loathing.