Cheap Blogging Crutch 07.02

Zombie Meat. For when you want a blue peppered jerky snack that makes it seem like you're eating the flesh on a re-animated dead body.

In America Has An Awful News industry news, Adam Serwer goes into detail about how waterboarding moved from being "clearly torture" to "erm..... *clears throat, tugs at collar* a matter.... of.. debate?" in the New York Times during the Bush Administration because of politics and GOP messaging. It turns out that high level journalistic arts requires giving credence to both sides of an issue, even if there aren't two sides and one is just craven ass-covering.

Think Progress compiles a list of Senators who not only have successfully blocked extending unemployment benefits, pretty much the least thing we can do to combat the bad job market, but have also essentially helped block doing anything substantial about jobs. What's so great about this list? They all come from states with double digit unemployment that is much higher than the national average. Hey, when you're trying to sink the economy further to help your electoral prospects in November, you can't be concerned with little things like people or people who elected you.

Now we know why Arizona had to enact that Walking While Latino law. Apparently there are roving gangs of crazed illegal immigrants decapitating law abiding citizens. So says Governor Jan Brewer. Some liberals, media types, Latino groups, and people with common sense say that this is a completely fabricated lie intended to scaremonger about the Mexicanos, but I don't know; illegal Latin guillotine gangs sounds so plausible. Maybe this is a new breed of Mexican coming here searching for a job and a head (or cabesa as they call it). No dice, Pablo, those jobs and heads are ours.

Scientists believe they have found the earliest known form of complex cellular life: weird scallop things that are 2.1 billion years old. Do you know how they figure out how old the organism was? It was carrying an ancient bible and they just added up all the ages of the people inside it.

The Amazing Kreskin has offered up his services to the Pittsburgh Pirates, saying that unless they hire him they'll continue to lose for at least two more years and he'd offer his help to stop their 18-year losing streak. Unless Kreskin can go a solid 7 every five days and keep his ERA under 3 or has some serious gap power, I don't think he can do much for us. Unless he has no ethical qualms about hypnotizing Bob Nutting into committing suicide. Plus, the Bucs would never hire him; they can't lowball him in arbitration or trade him for several middling mentalist prospects.

In Rich People Have Too Much Money news, a Russian billionaire has commissioned an Australian goldsmith to create a $21,000 golden diamond encrusted vuvuzela. *dusts hands off* God, send the meteors, I think we've clearly bottomed out as a society.

Video of the day

As all you baseball fans know, today is opening day. As a Pirates fan all this means for me is an 18th straight year of pain, losing, and cheap fuck owners. Pain of the kind which is outlined by dirty son of a bitch Will Leitch in his needlessly cruel Pirates season preview for Deadspin. One can only hope that his beloved Cardinals are soon met with the revelation that Albert Pujols is juicing it hardcore at nearly Mark McGwire levels; a revelation we all know is coming.

So in celebration of a new season that I will stop caring about some where midway through the first 20 game losing streak of the season in March, I present this video of a great highlight in Pirates history: that time Dock Ellis threw a no hitter while tripping balls on LSD.



The sad part is that the fact that this video recounting this 1970 event was made in late 2009 means that this video is officially one of the brightest spots and most significant things to have happened to the Pirates since Barry Bonds couldn't throw out Sid Fucking Bream. Mull on that Buccos fans.

Zach Duke takes the mound against the Dodgers at 1:35.

Sports attack ads

If you were watching the BCS National Championship Game, perhaps you saw the new wave of ads that are sure to dominate sports: sports based attack ads. Because this county's decline won't be truly complete until all aspects of our life take the form of our retarded political culture.



Ok, I'm for the playoff and mad that this is just another one of his campaign promises that BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA DIDN'T KEEP! But what about other important sports issues? Surely we need to start flogging the NFL and NFLPA to, for the love of God, get a collective bargaining agreement worked out so we A.) don't have a strike and miss one second of an NFL season, B.) don't see football turn into baseball with a few elite teams outspending everyone. How about the Committee to Horsewhip Bob Nutting? An impassioned plea for the Steelers to draft an offensive lineman high? A request for the Detroit Lions to stop, just stop?

Frankly I think we shouldn't be able to turn on a sporting event without seeing a sinister voice ask Roger Goodell and DeMaurice Smith if they hate America while flashing up pictures of Osama bin Laden and Hitler. If it'd mean one less repetitive beer ad hitting the airwaves, I'll fund it myself.

It's a deal, it's a steal

You know it is our duty here at These Bastards to bring you news of any financial opportunities that cross our paths. So we would be remiss if we didn't tell you about the above ship, named the MacArthur, that Yachtworld is currently selling for the bargain basement price of $3.7 million. Don't take my word for it, look at the specs:

The "McArthur" is totally self-contained, makes her own water, and has satellite communications systems that provide for continuous broadband service and satellite telephone. The vessel has a two bed hospital and carries adequate stores of food and supplies to support her crew and 30 additional personnel for 45 days without re-supply. She has the ability to land and fuel small and medium size helicopters and store, launch and retrieve 3 small craft up to 15 tons and 36 ft. in length. She has temporary sheltering for over 100 survivors from disasters.

With those capabilities and at that price, I don't think it'll last long, so if you wan it you'd better move on it. Need any more incentive? Well, it was the boat Blackwater outfitted in order to take up the private-sector pirate-hunting business. But then those Somali guys stopped taking so many hostages, the 3rd Pirates of the Caribbean movie was a bloated mess, and Blackwater's name became toxic, so there just wasn't a market for them to exploit.

$3.7 million. I can guarantee it was never used to temporarily shelter 100 survivors in a humanitarian crisis. No wear and tear. Maybe you can start your own extra-legal navy or just hold monkey-knife fights in international waters. Do whatever you want. Think about it.

Oh and don't get all teary eyed for Blackwater. They may have had a setback on their plans to buckle swashes and sail several seas, but on the other hand, they did get a big thumbs up on indiscriminately murdering 17 Iraqi civilians in a gun "battle". So they do have that going for them. Frankly this yacht sale just saves them the negative publicity that would have stemmed from their inevitable sinking an Iraqi fishing boat with 17 people on it.

Cheap Blogging Crutch 11.03

Palinoia
Matt Taibbi gets out his long knives for Sarah Palin in story he wrote over the summer but never published, during her whole resignation embarrassment. I don't know why he didn't publish it. It has great discussions on gems like the "campaign trail version of Mommie Dearest" she put the McCain camp through, the through line of "nutty-ass paranoid behavior" that permeates everything she does, as well as her political supporters to seem to rally behind her because it "validates [their] insane sense of fucked-overness". Worth a read, if only to remind yourself that she's never going to go away and there's still a large chunk of people who want to hand her power.

How Goldman secretly bet on the U.S. housing crash
McClatchy news joins the "bludgeon everyone at Goldman-Sachs with a truncheon" bandwagon with Matt Taibbi as they start up an rather exhaustive series on how our economic betters at G/S have looted government, bet against the country, manipulated markets, and screwed everyone everywhere over for copious amounts of cash. Click on the sidebar for a full rundown. It misses Taibbi's outraged fury, but more than delivers in jaw dropping detail. McClatchy runs a pretty good news operation, shame he couldn't run a baseball team. Ah well Kev, this, and your reporting on Iraq and the war on terror more than make up for running the Buccos into the ground. All is forgiven. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm still fucking pissed off about the Pirates. Fuck you, McClatchy!

Racial disparity: All active ethics probes focus on black lawmakers
Whoops! I'm sure that's just a coincidence. Nice to see that no matter how high up you get in this country, the justice system still works the same way. I'm sure that it's just that there aren't any white crooks that have been elected. As Rod Blagojevich, Eliot Spitzer, Mark Sanford, Donald Rumsfeld, Dick Cheney, Larry Craig, Tom Delay, Jim Traficant, and George Bush have taught us: it's the black politicians you have to watch out for.

Second Circuit Affirms Dismissal of Arar
Something you probably won't hear too much about today and tomorrow as our press decides whether Republicans winning in historically Republican states and districts means that Obama should resign immediately or take two weeks off and then resign: the fact that a US court said it's OK for the US to illegally detain, render to a foreign country, and brutally torture an obviously innocent man without evidence as long as a.) government swears their complete violation of the law was totally for national security purposes, b.) prosecuting the crimes would force a court to scrutinize the effectiveness and legality of government programs and the high level officials that made them and c.) the victim cannot complete the bizarre and completely impossible legal hurdles the court places in front of him. This is the country we live in, America. Be proud.

Omnibusted
On the anniversary of their admittance to the union, The Edge of the American West looks at how the Dakotas and other mountain territories became states. In case you were wondering how states with more sheep than people get two senators with which to fuck over states that actually have people in them, the simple answer is corruption, fear of polygamist Mormons, racism towards brown people, and a desire by Republicans to pack the Senate with more Republicans. So just in case anyone tries to tell you otherwise, the Senate was never a place of congenial good, there was never a "better time" in its history, it was always an awful, stupid and corrupt place. Happy birthday Dakotas!

I can has baseball

In an bid to open up the American non-football pastime to the fans of bizarre internet memes, the Seattle Mariners recently unveiled Cheezburger Night in conjunction with the LOLcat website icanhascheezburger. Attendees got discounted tickets, a free t-shirt, and bizarre glances from anyone over the age of 30 who didn't understand what was so funny about cats and sandwiches. It sounds awesome.

Meanwhile we here in Pittsburgh don't even get any good promotions for the Pirates anymore. Just variations on "You guys still like fireworks...right?" Night and various bobbleheads of guys who won't be on the team next season. Not even a $17 ticket night to honor the impending record setting 17 years of losing futility, a "wave goodbye to the players we just traded away" night, or a night where the concession stand items cost $.30 cents on the dollar in commemoration of the return the Pirates have gotten in every trade they've made since 1992.

I demand at the very least a Fuck Yeah Sharks night or some promotion where we are allowed to bring rotten fruit to throw at anyone identified as being in the upper management or ownership of the Buccos. If they won't spend money to win, I at least want an official team recognition of inexplicable internet memes. And Zach Duke pitching a game in a shark costume. I want that too.

Broken News: China says “Fuck it", opens salmonella factory

BEIJING—After several embarrassing public health scares caused by salmonella laced foods, melamine laced baby formula, toys found laced with lead and the drug GHB, and a recent public opinion indictment involving the Uncle Chen and Lian How brands, China has decided to throw up its hands, say “fuck it”, and open a factory that produces nothing but salmonella.

“Honestly, it’s time,” announced David Han, a spokesman for the Mu Bai Group, which is funding this venture jointly with the Chinese government. “All we seem to be able to produce are goods that are too toxic for human contact or consumption. The country sees no further point in putting up pretenses about our industrial abilities. This stance frees us to begin manufacturing the shit wholesale, with what we predict will be 35-40% greater efficiency. Production should commence by the end of the 2nd quarter.”

The company's first product, a lead-lined bag full of GHB-spiked salmonella, will retail for $19.99 and should be available for the Christmas rush. MBG’s hope is that American consumers will be eager to stop playing games of “which product is tainted?” enabled by two decades of outsourced manufacturing capacity and just be relieved to buy a product they know for certain is extraordinarily dangerous.

Many within the Chinese communist government hierarchy are hoping that the new development of this burgeoning industry will be able to provide a much needed economic boost to China, which has seen its GDP output slow to the weakest levels on record during the global financial crisis.

“Sure, we’d love if this were some new growth industry; the next Silicon Valley,” observed Hong Tsai, a junior deputy at the Ministry of Commerce. “And we are acutely aware that there just might not be a market for bagged bacteria, mind erasing hallucinogens, and dangerous metals. Not outside of Africa, anyway. But if we flood the market with these products, then eventually the world will be forced to pay us to stop. So it’s really a win-win.”

While Tsai was reluctant to reveal more about the future of this new policy, he did indicate that China has many similar projects intended to provoke the ire and financial restitution from a threatened world on the horizon. They include turning Shandonga Province into a five square-mile pit of burning car tires, a factory that grinds dangerous and poisonous metals into microscopic dust and loads them into weather balloons, and inundating the toy market with products that are little more than crudely painted, lead laced daggers.

Sources close to the government say that this new initiative was launched after the Chinese saw the success that Somali pirates were having hijacking ships.

“If they can get millions for taking hostages and letting them go, surely we can get millions -- billions even -- for not shipping out dangerous materials and poisoning the world, right?” asked government spokesman Qi Zhaoxu. “Sure, US Navy SEAL snipers might have to shoot a couple of us in retaliation, but what are three people to China anyway? There’s a billion of us.”

Zhaoxu added, “It’s really just an extension of our plan to poison the athletes of the world with smog in pursuit of athletic glory for the Motherland. We just started thinking bigger and thinking about our economic glory. Or ‘non-collapse’ as it appears.”

The Chinese hopes to have either a large stack of cash in non-sequential numbers, preferably Euros, or American citizens feeling nauseous and vomiting, progressing to abdominal pains and diarrhea by early 2010. With any luck they think the public will be going through advanced stages of gastroenteritis, entric fever, and bacteremia by midyear.

Important chart of the day

via Big. Crush.

It's important to note that while records are hard to come by it is almost assured that the Presidents of the late 1700's and early 1800's at had some pirates killed on behalf of this great nation. But since the advent of steam locomotion it's clear that one man and one man only holds the title of America's greatest pirate killing president: Barack Obama.

Eat it Taft.

Dolphins v. Pirates

Thousands of dolphins block Somali pirates

Thousands of dolphins blocked the suspected Somali pirate ships when they were trying to attack Chinese merchant ships passing the Gulf of Aden, the China Radio International reported on Monday.

The Chinese merchant ships escorted by a China's fleet sailed on the Gulf of Aden when they met some suspected pirate ships. Thousands of dolphins suddenly leaped out of water between pirates and merchants when the pirate ships headed for the China's.

The suspected pirates ships stopped and then turned away. The pirates could only lament their littleness before the vast number of dolphins. The spectacular scene continued for a while.

That's right Somali pirates, you aren't just dealing with the various navies of the world.......you've gone and pissed off Aquaman. Not content to join our navy, fight terrorism, star in our prime time adventure shows, and to flip for our amusements at Sea World and other marine establishments, the dolphins have decided to take on our piracy problem.

Not only have the dolphins successfully prevented a pirate raid, the dolphins also caused a philosophical conundrum within the minds of the pirates, making them question the order of the universe, the nature of existence, their place in the universe, as well as their place in the vastness of nature. Let's see a Navy SEAL sniper do that.

Just be warned pirates, we have the animal kingdom on our side. You've seen our naval forces, wait till you see our ground forces. I don't want to give away too much, but let's just say....gorillas riding tigers. It's gorillas riding tigers. God help you.

Awwwwwwww

Madoff's yacht seized on French Riviera

French authorities on the Cote d'Azur have chained up his $7 million yacht "Bull" at a port in the exclusive Mediterranean enclave of Cap d'Antibes, between Cannes and Nice.

Bailiffs threw a heavy chain around the boat's propeller on Friday after a court granted the request by French investment firm Meeschaert, one of the many former investors in one of Madoff's funds that is now suing to get some of its clients' money back.

The Bull was seized "just in time," lawyer Philippe Rames of Gide Loyrette Nouel told the Associated Press. "It seems that the people who were taking care of the boat were getting ready to move it to more accommodating waters," said Rames, who is working for Meeschaert on the case.

A warning posted by the bailiffs on the boat reads: "Important: Do not turn on the motors, considering that the propellers are chained."

It's a shame. Of the things this global financial meltdown produces that I most wanted to see, a crew of Madoff flunkies roaming the high seas evading creditors, evading any fiscal payments or asset forfeiture to Madoff's debtors had to be near the top of the list. They'd wear little Madoff themed naval uniforms, run a flag (Madoff's head on a $100 bill) up the mizzenmast, and raid the fishing boats and party cruisers of the middle class. Maybe Mrs. Madoff declaring their penthouse a sovereign pirate nation would be as good, but what are the odds of that happening? It's too bad the damned French police had to get in the way of my dreams.

Picture of the day

From the always indispensable Boston Globe's Big Picture blog comes a photo series on everyone's favorite high seas rapscallions, the Somali pirates. Click to embiggen.

Fashion bailout

While everyone's bitching about paying out bonuses for AIG executives, are we still paying $100 million to sponsor the jerseys of Manchester United? I'm all for promotion, and really what better vessel than the world's most popular soccer football team, but hasn't AIG been in the news enough that they don't really need a promotional expenditure of that magnitude? Sure, it's 'collapse' this, and 'dirty crooked fuckers' that, but front pages are front pages.

Can we at least get the American flag on the front of ManU's shirt? Perhaps the Fed logo? Ben Bernanke's giant bald head? A characticture of a nervous Tim Geithner on a dune buggy looking like he wished he stayed in the private sector?

Corporate logos on the front of the jerseys....bleh. Smarten up soccer world, American sports only like to keep our embarrassing linkages to failure on the stadium facade, not the uniform. Unless that uniform is of the Detroit Lions or Pittsburgh Pirates, then failure is part of the outfit.

A pirate life for me

So these Somali pirates, why do they do it? Is it just because they have no other jobs, the infrastructure and government of Somalia is so poor that this is the best option for them? Money and pussy? The feeli....actually it was the last one.

"Is there any Somali who can earn a million dollars for any business? We get millions of dollars easily for one attack," bragged Salah Ali Samatar, a 32-year-old pirate who spoke by phone from Eyl, a pirate den on Somalia's desolate northern coast.
...
"It is true," said a 28-year-old pirate who identified himself as Jama. "We are getting very rich."

Jama, who described himself as a high-ranking member of a group based in Eyl, has earned $375,000 as a pirate, enough to buy a Toyota Land Cruiser and to begin building a six-bedroom house in Garowe, the regional capital, for his family.
...
"Once there was a girl who lived in Garowe," 100 miles from Eyl, Jama said. "I loved her. I tried to approach her many times, but she rejected me. But since I became a pirate, she has tried nine times to get with me.
...
"The pirates are the hottest men in town," Abdi said. "Girls from all over Somalia moved here to marry pirates. But if the girl isn't cute she's out of luck, because the pirates only go with beautiful girls."

Yeah, the money's good, but the ladies are what piracy is really about. And parrots, bomb ass parrots. Keep in mind that all of this, the dozens of hijackings resulting in millions of dollars in ransom, is being done with little more than small fiberglass boats and AK-47's. These guys have so disrupted trade that the UN is going to send naval support, led by the Chinese, into the area to pursue the pirates on land or sea. Not bad for a couple of guys who wanted Land Cruisers and get with the easily impressed girls of Garowe. They'll all be killed by the Chinese, but not bad.

Blackwater on the high seas

I bet through all this pirate brouhaha, after you yelled out "Yarrrrr matey", made a few Johnny Depp references, and cracked a parrot joke, you were thinking one thing: how's Blackwater going to make a fast buck off of this? Oh don't you worry about that, little dog, they've got it all figured out. The world's foremost extralegal, for hire, mercenary army knows how to protect you from pirates.

Private security firm Blackwater Worldwide began holding meetings in London on Tuesday with potential clients for a new business venture -- protection from pirates.

The Moyock, N.C., firm, which has grown rapidly through State Department security work in Iraq, has been courting shippers and insurance firms about protecting ships in pirate-infested waters. It's meeting with more than a dozen firms this week and hopes to drum up its first contract.
...
Blackwater already has a ship it says could be deployed abroad to scare off or even challenge pirates: the 183-foot McArthur, which the company bought in 2006. It can carry two helicopters as well as rigid-hull inflatable boats favored by naval commandoes, and 30 guards in addition to a crew of 15. Blackwater's database of contractors includes former Navy SEALs and Coast Guard personnel.

I thought Blackwater wouldn't have attacked the pirates out of some sense of professional courtesy, but there are markets to corner. I am sure that this is exactly what the situation needs: a high seas merc army of ex-SEALS with no regard for any laws, only their clients, taking the fight to any pontoon or bystander they deem to be threatening. Oh, and then there's all those pirates. But hey, you've got to expand that business model, it can't all be State Department contracts in Iraq, hell the Iraqis are stripping your immunity from local law next year. Why not the high seas?

Broken In Brief: Somali Pirates inadvertently seize Dane Cook

XARARDHEERE, SOMALIA--Somali pirates, who have garnered international attention lately after capturing several commercial vessels, made headlines again today after accidentally seizing comedian Dane Cook, who was on break following the filming of My Best Friend's Girl 2 starring Gallagher, Jason Biggs, Jessica Alba, and Eugene Levy.

Using several speedboats, automatic weapons, rocket-propelled grenades, and a shoebox with "originality + relevance" written on the side, the pirates gained control of the inexplicably successful American comic approximately 200 kilometers due east of Somalia's capital, Mogadishu. Sounding slightly surprised and rather disgusted with his booty, pirate leader Abdi Silan issued a statement demanding "fifty euro and a carton of Camels" in exchange for the release of, "um... America's most treasured funnyman." Further threatening "America will pay us the cigarettes or it will never get a chance to see a Good Luck Chuck prequel."

At this writing, both the Indian and American navies had committed resources to encircling the captured comedian, with the former assigning two pontoon boats and the latter an inflatable carnival bouncy thing that, according to Rear Admiral David Folton, "looks kind of like a boat from far away and upside down." Folton added, "We cannot let these Somali pirates take control of America's only source of manic, bland observational humor on the stuff people in their late twenties and early thirties watched as kids. America will not lose it's stockpile Thundercats references and stolen Louis CK material."

In other Pittsburgh "sports" news

Given the Steelers' utter humiliation of their opponent earlier today, we can take the following in stride:

SAN FRANCISCO -- The Pirates' 11-6 loss to the San Francisco Giants this afternoon at AT&T Park clinched a 16th consecutive losing season, tying the professional sports record set by the 1933-48 Philadelphia Phillies.

No NFL, NHL or NBA team has had so many.

Congratulations, Buccos. You're famous.

28A, below the fold

Wanted to throw up a quick list of things you might have missed missed while inundated with wall-to-wall coverage of the fall of a certain former ambulance-chasing pussy hound turned 2008 Presidential Candidate.

The Olympics started. Americans were largely ignorant of this fact for approximately twelve hours because their television overlords held the footage hostage until prime time last night.

Hoping everyone was distracted by the Olympics, Russia invaded Georgia.

Hoping everyone was distracted by the Olympics and Russian/Georgian war, Somali pirates attacked the U.S. Navy.

Hoping everyone was distracted by the Olympics, the Russian/Georgian war and the Somali pirates, Bible House, Inc. continued to sell these things.

Knowing everyone was distracted by the Olympics, the Russian invasion, the pirates, and the single-serving communion wafers, some guy murdered a relative of the head coach of the US Men's Volleyball team.

Surveying these various atrocities, Bernie Mac said, "Fuck this noise," and, sadly, died.